Nikolai's Practice Notes

For me, the best instructions for dealing with any dark night stage are found in this poem by Rumi:

"This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond."

Sometimes I just acknowledge every thought, feeling, or sensation that arises and then say to myself, "This too." Or, if it's really bad, I address the suffering directly: "Hello misery/pain/fear/numbness. Welcome home. Please stay as long as you like. I will listen to whatever you have to say." It may seem counter-intuitive to our human conditioning, but I guess that's why it's effective.

~Jackson

"What are/were your experiences of second path dark night? This seems to just keep going and going."

This is what I experience with every cycle of insight, Nikolai. Know in your heart that this period will end. It's a cycle, like all the other cycles you've had and will have, and at the end of the cycle is what is at the end of every cycle -- more, deeper insight. Think of this as paying your dues. You are practicing to become a fully realized human being. There is no gain without this pain.

Best to you! Hang in there.

Geez, Nick, sorry about what you're going through. The timing does indeed seem to be a bit of cosmic mischief...

You're way in front of me, so I can't offer you any advice based on experience. But hold fast and know that we are with you in spirit. I have no doubt you'll find your way out of this and look forward to hearing your account of it when you do...

Much metta,

D.

Thankyou to the good much needed advice to hang in there and accept it as just part of the process. I kow it is but at times need that slap in the face to gain focus again. Really appreciated!!!! Thanks guys!

I came out of the dukkha nanas about 2 days ago. Hit equanimity of formations and haven't slid back since. I know it's equanimity of formations, because I feel way chilled out and ok with the world. It seems the perfect time to practice dwelling as the witness and that will be my practice for the time being.

Thanks again to Chris, Jackson and David! It helps...

I find myself in very equanimous state at the moment and have been experimenting with dwelling in the witness. Something strange happens when I do this. It's like the energy flow through the body becomes extremely obvious and more easily felt. The mind seems sucked into the witness state and doesn't move until I want out of it. There seems a slight need of effort and concentration to stay in it but it's quite easy to go in and out of.

The witness state for me is like embracing that feeling of "I" and being "it" rather than what I mostly do which is pick it apart seeing it as just a sum of sensations here and there. As soon as it is embraced the subtle vibrations and flow of energy that I always feel on and in the body get stronger and feel like they are vibrating faster. It's an extremely pleasant flow of energy. And I feel very at peace with everything. I have done this recently when I was feeling a really negative unpleasant flow of sensations at the throat. At the time, I thought I was falling back into the dukkha nanas but after a couple of minutes dwelling in the Witness, the negative flow of sensations at the throat lost it's "negative" flavour so to speak, although it continued to flow. I felt above it and not annoyed by it. I attribute this to the Witness state as the pleasantness that starts as soon as I get into that state overrides any negativity felt on the body. Very interesting!

I have been experimenting with kasina meditation also. I found a great little pdf which I posted the address of on the Hardcore Jhana thread. It gave me the idea to make my own kasinas. I got some coloured paper and cut out circles the size of a normal breakfast bowl. So far I have focused only on the colours blue, red, yellow, white and light. But I have also tried the others, fire, water, air, limited space and earth.

I am probably not doing it correctly but what I have done has given interesting results. I have stared at the colour kasinas on and off to get the idea of the colour. I then close my eyes and rise to soft 4th jhana and try and bring each of the individual colours to my mind. So if I think "blue", "blue" then I get a definite feel and image of that colour and the same for the other colours in my mind. As soon as I do that the concentration of the jhana gets stronger and very very absorbed. It seems like it takes you right into a very hard version of the jhana and the whole world seems to zone out and it's just that colour.

I have also done that with the elements. For example imagining "fire", "fire" , picturing it and feeling it, the heat and movement until I get so absorbed in "fire" that the imgae of fire kind of freezes. I haven't taken it past that but these results have made me more enthusiastic about what more I could do with them. So I'll continue doing this.

The easy access to the jhanas still spins me out. I highly recommend putting all your energy into getting a path because it seems too easy afterwards. Just now I went down to my apartment's gym to do some excercise on the step machine. I started the machine and closed my eyes and then directed the mind up to the 4th jhana, a superfical state of it. Then I started to focus the mind on each of the colours and elements at the same time as I was exercising my legs.

I did this for 20 minutes and I got so concentrated that I seemed to lose sense of time and the 20 minutes seemed very quick. When I heard the machine beep, I came out of the jhana and felt my whole body buzzing and sweaty but I felt very calm and my breathing was very, very relaxed. A very interesting experince because I have never been a fan of excercise in the gym but with the inclusion of being in jhana, I think I might make it a daily practise.

Anyways, that's it for now. Hooray for being out of the dukkha nanas!!!!! **(I know they'll be back)

continued from above..
Another recent development. I am having strange moments were it seems the sensations of self have become less or are not being taken as "I". For example, I'll be walking down the street and all of a sudden it is just seeing in seeing, just sesnations of walking and no "I" am walking or "I am seeing. This is new and it seems to be happening more often. And I am seeing that there really isn't more than what is there. I mean I am understanding what people have said when they say...this is it! to quote Michael Jackson and others here. There isn't anything esle but what is in front of you. I'm not sure I'm making sense. This is a weird ride which I am on.

I've not been meditating lately cos of everything that happened since the earthquake here in Chile. I have had a very solemn feeling coming from my chest. It was the first time that I've actually thought very seriously that I was about to die. My fiance and I really thought our apartment was going to come down on our heads. I've had thoughts of death and impermance invade my mind all day since then.

Today I began to sit formally again. I've been listening to the podcasts and talks given by Stephen And TIna, as posted on the Hardcore Jhana thread and Buddhist geeks.

They gave me a bit of a boost to start again with my sits. I started this time to just observe the breath which I haven't really done since I got 1st path. I was very surprised to realize how powerful and calming this technique is now for me.

I observed the natural breath at the entrance of the nostrils and discovered new levels to each of the jhanas which I hadn't previously experienced. The mind truly zones in on the object and everything else drops away. Previously I was just directing the mind into jhanas with the sensations the were made up of as the object and observing the three characteristics. They seem to be two distinct experiences which I feel like investigating further.

My practice at the moment is really random. I am not sure what seems to be happening to me. I have days where I have absolutely no desire to formally sit. My mind seems pulled to one practice at the moment for the past number of days. That is just being with whatever is there. Whatever it is. No searching for anything else. No jhanas, unless I just happen across one, just whatever is being experienced. It is all the mind wants to do. This sense of going with the flow seems so strong at the moment. I've tried manipulating and directing the mind into other states, and causing fruitions but the mind just naturally wants to observe what's going on without manipulation. It is such a strong sensation of "no desire to manipulate".

continued from above..
YEsterday, I happened into a strong concentrated state which was bordering on access and absorbtion into jhana. I just let the mind do what it wanted. Basically it did nothing but let things fly by. As thoughts and recognitions of sensations coming from chakras arose and disappeared, the mind shifted to high equanimity where the flow of sensations was primarily in the crown chakra. When it got there, there was just the mind aware of everything that was making up the "I". Every sensation, at the chest, the eyes, the back of the head, inside behind the eyes etc, This wasn't a continuous uninterrupted experience as those sensations of "I" were seen as just sensations but then would jump back to being "I" and then back to just sensations. Then after some time, the moments of "I" were less and less and there were longer moments of no "I", just sensations. This seems to be the theme of my whole experience these days. I will be walking down the street and I get these moments were the reading of all these specific sensations as "I" drops away and what is left is just seeing in seeing, feeling in feeling. They will last maybe 2 to 3 seconds before the "I" establishes itself again. Yesterday and today I have entered a state of high anxiety. It is making me highly anxious about trivial things on my life. It is also making me feel "lost" and "confused" about what I am doing practice wise. So I think I need some guidance. Due to this state which hasn't dissipated for over a 2 days, makes me want guidance.

continued from above...

Is what I seem to be doing something I should continue to do? What practices helped you most move from 2nd path to 3rd path?

I feel like I am all over the place with all the practices Ive beeen pulled to. One day, I'll be into dwelling as the witness, another I'll be into jhana, another I'll be pulled to picking the "I" apart and now it's just let it all be. I think I may be fed up with manipulating. It is tiring me out.

I feel extremely confused and lost at the moment so I need a push in the right direction. Any advice?

"I feel extremely confused and lost at the moment so I need a push in the right direction. Any advice?"

Hi Nikolai,

First, take this comment as encouragement more than advice. Being stuck in a pattern of feeling lost and confused can be very troubling. Remember that it cannot last forever, and that you will be OK if you give attention to it. It cannot break you.

First, I think you should definitely continue to sit at least once per day, even if it's only for 20 minutes or so. Also, do you best to pay attention to your moment to moment experience throughout the day with nonjudgmental awareness, in an even and inclusive way. Remember Kenneth's persistent reminder: constancy, not heroics.

Next, remember the practical teaching of the Three Speeds. When you sit, if you can get settled and then keep attention on the mind's knowing nature, do that. But, if something creeps up - like this nagging feeling of confusion, shift down and pay attention to the experience without judging it. Allow it in. Is there aversion? What's the source of the confusion? Gently inquire into the process and allow wisdom (paññā) to arise on its own as a results of your application of mindfulness and equanimity.

Stay with it, man. I really feel that the most important thing is that we continue to practice. The process is trustworthy. Allow it to unfold.

Jackson

Nikoalai, what Jackson is suggesting is right on. I fee you, though! Second path was very confusing for me, too. A troubling, frustrating, random hall of mirrors. What helped me, if anything could be said to have helped, was to focus on a daily concentration practice while keeping in mind that this, too, shall pass.

Thanks Jackson and Chris,

That's helpful. I know that is the right thing to do but to read it said from guys who have are further down the path really gives me the dhamma boost I need.

I just had a whole morning and afternoon to put my practice to the test. Hours of walking around Santiago to various immigration places in order to get things done for a permanent visa. I think the whole immigration red tape really makes me anxious and even more so with what I seemed to be passing through today. Then while walking in the city, there were three big aftershocks which had everyone rush out of every building in Santiago.

I felt the anxious flow of energy at my heart chakra and as I headed home on a public bus, I felt it move up to park itself at my brow. There it has remained until now.

I know that just attentively observing said phenomenon with patience and acceptance is the best way to go but at times when it reaches my brow, I get intense pressure and pain there that at times spreads to all the muscles that make up the face, even my teeth sometimes ache cos of it. Do/did you guys go through this and if so, apart from just accepting it as part of the process, do/did you do anything tho relieve the intense pressure it causes?

It makes it really hard to concentrate and my eyes and nose feel like they are going to explode.

I'm no expert in regards to energy practices. My friend Stuart has advised myself and others that bringing attention to one's feet while in a sitting posture can help bring the energy down from the head into the body. I imagine that may bring some relief. It may also help to keep your attention on your feet while walking. Energy tends to follow attention, so see if you can use as a balancing strategy.

Your mind and body are resisting the developmental process that is taking place due to old habit energies. These phases come and go. I am not attempting to downplay the severity of the symptoms in any way. This can feel like hell. But, like I said above, who you truly are cannot be broken by conditions. Do your best to remain open to whatever is happening, even when it feels like you're going to explode. You will make it through this and many other phases like this as insight continues to grow and mature within you.

Remember, there's no way to bully your way through it. Not that you're doing that. Just keep that in mind.

"We need to remember that where we are going is here - that any practice is simply a means to open our hearts to what is in front of us. Where we already are is the path and the goal." ~Jack Kornfield

Thanks Jackson,

Much appreciated. I;ve been focusing a little bit more on my feet and hands when it becomes intense. It seems to help take the attention away from it, and then it seems to dissipate shortly after.

I've been dedicating more time in my sits to jhana and concentration practice lately. What I've been doing is rising to 1st jhana then observing the natural breath until the jhana becomes a very hard jhanic state. The mind locks on to it and it feels extremely stable. When it gets to there, I've been willing the mind to rise up gradually to the 8th staying some time at each jhana. Then when I get to 8th, after some time in this I will the mind out of it and start doing 2nd gear. I am not sure I have reached third gear yet, but i feel it is really helping me along this confusing road to the next path.

I am still suffering from confusion due to not knowing where I am on the big cycle. But what to do? I am feeling more inclined to just be with whatever presents itself as I am fed up of craving stuff.

ISuch a strange experience all of this.

"But what to do?"


R...e...l...a...x

Hehe! Thanks Chris!

Yeh, the remedy is sooooo simple that it evades me at times. Plus I realized I have been suffering from a bit too much "craving for next path" which sneaks up on me so subtly. When I realized that was what was making me so frustrated, it sort of dropped away somewhat.

Now time to .........r...e...l...a...x...aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah...POP!

Interesting subject this. How much to strive? When to relax? In my own case, reading MCTB and then getting connected to the DhO and KFDh communities (hard to believe it's only been a few months) brought me out of years of too much relaxation, based on the mistaken belief that not much could be achieved in this lifetime. Now it feels good to be striving and to see others striving and making headway at the same time.

I suppose the challenge is to differentiate between right effort and craving for attainments... it's tricky.

"I am feeling more inclined to just be with whatever presents itself as I am fed up of craving stuff.

"

I can relate to you there... Best of luck with your practice. Hey Dadriance I can relate it really is hard to know what right effort looks like isn't it. I enjoy the ancient anecdote of the Lute player. The Buddha said when your instrument is too tight does it sound properly? No its thin and tin like. When the instrument is too loose does it sound properly? No. It is terrible sounding as well... May we all truly understand what right effort means at this place in time...

I am eager to get to the next path, so I am following Kenneth's advice and dwelling in the witness in my sits now watching the jhanic arc do it's thing.


As i was doing this last night, something weird started happening. I felt this energy rise up from the base of my spine really fast up to my crown and repeatedly while watching the jhanas float by. Really blissful vibrations started erupting all over the body in an upwards motion as this continued during an hour sit.

Then out of curiosity, I broke from the non-manipulation of experience and intuitlvely thought I could control these blissful rising streams of energy. I just imagined them zooming up through my body from the base chakra right up and out the crown contiuously.

As soon as I did that, the blissful ecstasy of the vibrations increased. Ive never felt that much bliss. Quite a unique experience for me.

Then I broadened the flow of this "energy/vibrations" to include all around me...including my fiance sleeping next to me...I was sitting in bed. The vibrations started shooting up as one big flow of godknowswhat and I felt the mind disperse and there was just the witness and this blissful energy. When that happened I wasn't manipulating anything anymore. The mind was just stuck there...nothing arising except for the slight sensation of the observer. A really blissful state which Ive never experienced before. Intutively I thought this must be kundalini energy or something. So it seems I can now control it when i want. IS this anyone else's experience?

Something else to disembed from. Hehe!

This morning I awoke in a kind of half asleep and half awake state lying in bed, the mind's attention turned on itself and the thought "what does the mind of an arhat feel like?" drifted by. The mind then starts "imagining" what the arahat mind would be like. The "I" would be not sticky. This is all I could think of. Hahah! But as soon as I imagined the "I" not being sticky, the state of being shifted to one where it felt the "I" not have a centre point (in the head) and the experience definitely felt like that. I seemed to do this continuously for maybe 20 minutes in a semi awake state. It all seemed automatic.

Then out of the blue, a big fruition. I say big because I haven't had one for ages...maybe 2 weeks or more. I forget when I had one last. It was a really obvious one and immediately as the mind came back online, the whole body was buzzing and I got an image of a TV without a signal. The mind was blank and the eyelids seemed "brighter". It felt significant. I don't know why.

I feel not the same but the same. I can't find words to describe this. I dont' know if that was just another 2nd path fruition or not. It is way too soon I think for next path. But there seems to be something different about the "I" and I'll have to let time tell if I am just feeling the after affects of a normal fruition. But generally I never felt a big difference before when i experienced them, not in the way i seem to experience things like now. Man, how to put in words the difference. The "I" is less sticky and I am calm as ever, and there seems to be no agitation I was experiencing for the past couple of weeks, and my third eye headache ....is not a headache anymore but a slight pressure that isn't annoying.

Anyway, regardless of what happened...at least that damn chakra headache is gone. Hoooray!

Edited for clarity

Hi Nick,

As you say, it's too early to draw conclusions, but you are doing it right, so keep on keepin' on. On a four-mile walk to town, the first three mile markers are interesting, but, bottom line, you just want to get to town.

Keep up the good work!

Kenneth

Thanks Kenneth,

I think it was definitely just another 2nd path fruition but an interesting one all the same.
I think the witness practice is really coming along. Thanks so much!

Yeh, there is still something niggling at me (insight disease) and I don't think I'll be satisfied till it goes away completely.