yadid's practice journal

I think I'm lurking in the (notorious) Dark Night sometimes..
Grumpy, easily annoyed and stuff, today I sat for an hour and got up into this state of mind,
but some words from this forum rang in my mind which helped, such as "What comes after this is more insight", and I'm also less embedded in this so it is bearable, though I'd love to just get stream entry already.

I'm going through the beginning of a hectic exam period.
I didn't practice for several days.. I really don't like that. My practice really does help me deal with life in so many ways.
Anyway, the only time to sit is now really, so I sat for an hour tonight.
Felt like continuing from where I left off. Stared at the Kasina, strong concentration, sensations as if I am falling backwards (pleasant).
Tried to note whatever arose. It feels as if my 'deep' sittings are mostly concentrated around the forehead, with flashes like lightning occuring from time to time which make me wonder if these are fruitions (during the sitting), though I'm very sure they are not, I think. I feel like the very seeking for it is something I need to see clearly. I'm trying to be mindful of the whole field of awareness, including all these subtle things.. it feels right and like I'm going forward and there's really not much I can do except increase my mindfulness.
I resolved to continue sitting daily and stop the lazyness.

Ahhh... I haven't written here in a long while.
My practice has become very inconsistnet over the past two months. I am very unhappy about it, to say the least.
Anyway done with my exams and moving to a big city, I am trying to get my practice back together. Today I sat for 30mins kasina + noting.
I will try to practice for at least an hour a day from now onwards, and I've signed up for a week long retreat in the coming weeks.

This forum is still providing much needed support and inspiration.

Welcome back Yadid!!! Looking forward to seeing you progress!!!!

Thanks Nick.
I truely miss my practice. Oh well, lets get on with it! I love practice.

I'd also like to share a funny story:
I had a nice pale-blue bowl that I used as a Kasina. It sat really nicely on the floor. A friend broke it while eating Pasta out of it. Oh well.
I went home, my mom had another identical one, so I brought it with me in my rucksack wrapped in some bed sheets. Then my girlfriend broke it while taking out the bedsheets. Ahhh!!!! I got so upset for a minute there! and then I thought, wow, if I get so annoyed by a silly kasina bowl breaking, what does this tell me?

"Thanks Nick.
I truely miss my practice. Oh well, lets get on with it! I love practice.

I'd also like to share a funny story:
I had a nice pale-blue bowl that I used as a Kasina. It sat really nicely on the floor. A friend broke it while eating Pasta out of it. Oh well.
I went home, my mom had another identical one, so I brought it with me in my rucksack wrapped in some bed sheets. Then my girlfriend broke it while taking out the bedsheets. Ahhh!!!! I got so upset for a minute there! and then I thought, wow, if I get so annoyed by a silly kasina bowl breaking, what does this tell me? "

Have you tried a candle flame? it is all the rage these days. Plus you can't break it.

Sounds like its worth a shot!
What kind of candle do you use?
Also, since I use kasina practice as a preliminary means of getting concentrated before noting practice, a flame might interfere once I close my eyes, don't you think?
Anyway thanks for the reccommendation, I'll give it a try soon.

I've been trying to meditate more often lately.
I find that a major object which arises for me is the little fear of getting caught in objects. The mind feels like a very powerful maze of seeing (imagination) and hearing (imagination). There is also a subtle tension of trying not to get caught in it and objectify it. Noted!

Im going on two retreats next week, the first one will be 3 days long, and the second one (starts exactly as the first one ends, in the same place) will be 6 days long. so sum total of 9 days to meditate and get stream-entry already, by noting as much as i can and getting out of the way of this process and lettin it roll.

Any suggestions to help me are most welcome

"Sounds like its worth a shot!
What kind of candle do you use?
Also, since I use kasina practice as a preliminary means of getting concentrated before noting practice, a flame might interfere once I close my eyes, don't you think?
Anyway thanks for the reccommendation, I'll give it a try soon."

It won't interfere. When you close your eyes watch the image that is there in your minds eye. It will fade, come back, change, etc. It is just as good an object for meditation as anything else going on right now.

Just keep an eye on the force you are applying your attention with. There's a bit on the site here about it. Picture a foam peanut floating in a tub of water. If you push against it hard it will drop below the water. If you lightly touch it it won't go under. Noticing is like that in a way. You don't want to interfere with what is going on, you just want to be aware of it.

So concentrate (breath counting or kasina) until you get some signs that you are becoming concentrated ( tingling, pressure, lack of distraction, etc.)

Then begin to note (use simple, consistent terminology & make sure to note all 4 foundations - I found it easiest to do 1 at a time and I tend to emphasize sensations - noting distracting thoughts and strong mind states as they come)

When you get to equanimity pay attention to either the flow of sensations going on in the head (I often watch the swirliness and change in the visual field and let the mind sync up with it - especly good is watching flickering if it is happening) or get very equanimous and then tune in to the dukka that will still be present even in high equanimity. Let your mind sync with that and see what happens. You can also try and tune into the noself characteristic of your experience perhaps by starting the investigation with "who am I".

Just suggestions based on my own practice.

Thanks for the suggestions, Mu.

I won't be using a candle on this retreat but I'll bring my trusty kasina-bowl along with me.

When noting I usually do all foundations at once without seperating them, noting whatever is predominant.

Same goes for the bowl, it might still create an after image which is a great transition into your noting. I also added another suggestion as I think I forgot how advanced you were at present. I think you need to focus your efforts on fruition, in which case when you start getting to equanimity on the retreat you'll want to really ramp up the concentration before sitting and take as much of that momentum with you into equanimity. Once there investigate the three characteristics of what's going on. For me I would get flickering or pulsing and I would pay close attention to the end of each flicker (the impermanence characteristic).

Well, I believe that last retreat and at home i have been getting to equanimity.
So you suggest to do more concentration practice before noting?
Usually I start by staring at the bowl (also in a retreat setting) and then once I get the noting going, concentration gets quite strong at times, especially on retreat.

So you say for you observing these flickerings have been instrumental in getting a fruition?
I am a bit hesitant with these experiments since I find that trying to make something happen causes tension, so I try to just note everything

Well. I find that doing a good concentration practice before hand brings more intensity / resolution to what is experienced afterward during noting. Also, I think that after a yogi crosses the A&P concentration is key in getting to stream entry (as at that point their vipassana is really good, they've seen the three characteristics clearly).

Also in equanimity it helps to be more concentrated rather than at the shallow end of things (i.e. you can do noting up the arc but not be very absorbed and so you can miss much of the detail and only see each nanas obscurely) as you are kind of trying to allow things to happen there (concentration helps curb thoughts and things which can be distracting and discouraging, although noting thoughts is as good as anything else, I have noticed a tendency to get caught up in them and get distracted more so than you would by tingling or some other physical sensation) and you sort of have to get out of the way a bit and allow cessation to happen (so when I say syncing up with flickering, for example, you kind of want to tune in really close to it so it is all that is really going on. You don't really need to be going "flickering, flickering, flickering" in your mental voice. Just stay on it and become one with it, until BLOOP, cessation.)

Yeah I agree that a good concentration practice is excellent, I'll make sure to do that more often..
Here's to a very FRUITful retreat

Flickering is something I noticed fairly frequently in equanimity. Fruitions occur via 3 doors (no-self, impermanence, and suffering). Observing the flickering is a good way to get one via the impermanence door. I find it to be the most frequent door through which cessations occur for me.

At some point when I got to equanimity there was this flickering and that's how I did it. I'm not sure what it's like for others but it seems to be something a lot of others have run into prior to stream entry as well.

Note whatever and if you happen to see flickering in the visual field during equanimity, just watch it. Since it is changing rapidly, it's hard to get absorbed into it to the point you are in some sort of blanked out stupor, and when in equanimity your mindfulness is quite strong, You don't need to be noting all the time to be seeing the three characteristics or to be mindfully present. Noticing is the reason you note (the noting provides feedback so you know you are noticing).

When things get very subtle, noting can actually get in the way of progress.
"As a general rule, note until things become very subtle. At that point I would let go of noting as it is unnecessary and can disturb subtle states"
--http://kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/page/Q+%26+A+on+Vipassana

You got this thing. You can definitely do it! (especially with your secret Kasina weapon!).

The first few days might be settling days, so don't get discouraged if you don't make a lot of progress right away. It takes a while to wind down.

I think this is going to be a good one!

BEST OF LUCK!

Thanks for the reminder Mu.
I should definitely remember that (drop the noting once I get to high-eq).

"Thanks for the reminder Mu.
I should definitely remember that (drop the noting once I get to high-eq).
"

Hi Yadid,

Make sure if you are going to drop the noting, let it be when it feels like your whole focus has shifted to a panoramic one and you can see a lot more going on in the field of experience. And if you do drop the noting, make sure to ask yourself if you have become subtly embedded in some of that high equanimity pleasantness. Make sure to remain disembeded and note it if so. Just so you know, I DIDN'T drop noting when I got SE. I noted right up to the cessation moment.

Good luck, mate!

Thanks nik. I would go with niks advice on this one then yadib. If you are noting and it worked for nik, I wouldn't change things up.

I'm off to my week long retreat.
It is so hard to go on a retreat. I feel so much fear of it ,leaving my girlfriend for a week, thinking i will miss her, that she will miss me, that i wont be working for a week, and so on. but yet, i am able to observe that and I know it is going to be real good for me.
Thanks to everyone here for the encouragement they provide.

I really like this Shinzen video in which he explains "why note" in a very good way,
he says : "The idea is to take invisible patterns of force that scatter our attention, and transmute them into observable patterns of sensation". Hell yeah.

Note your behind off, Yadid! We are all with you in spirit. Stream entry should be your goal. Go get 'er done.

Kenneth

It seeems I have caught a cold.
I returned home after the first retreat (3days) ended.
I crossed A&P on the second day and then continued plunging into the dark night.
A question for those more experienced: After A&P i felt like i cannot grasp my mental formations at all, as if I lost all sensitivity. Which stage is this?
I was then slowly more able to see what I am experiencing, but at that stage it felt like I really cannot.

Thanks for the encouragement Kenneth, it really helped during the retreat.

'returning to the marketplace' so to speak, I have to say, practice is so helpful!
I got my battery recharged and I vow and hope to continue my daily practice (with some retreats after I'm recovered from this cold !

Thanks to everyone here. To Roomy, Chris, Nikolai, Kenneth, Owen, Clayton, Mike, Mumuwu, Bruno, Jackson, and all the rest! I love reading your writings.
Sharing life and practice in such an intimate way is so so helpful in so many ways.

So I started attending daily sits at the nearby Goenka house.. they have a nice flat a few minutes walk from where I live and they hold 3 sittings on most days (morning, afternoon, evening) and every weekend they have a whole day sit.

Just noting away whatever is up. itch itch salivating, desire to swallow, swallow, dissatisfaction, thinking about the future, looking for something, doubt, and so on.
And I try to carry this with me as I walk away from the sitting , walking in the street, and so on.

Going on a 3-day Goenka retreat next week to get progress moving as well.