Mike Monson's practice notes

Okay, after another drug-related episode (i know, i'm working on that problem) I want to start fresh with a new thread with a new name.
Okay?
Sat 30 minutes.
Lots of strong vibratory sensations. My gut told me to note the sensations as instantly as they arrived and to keep at it without analysis or reflection.
I did this without even noting when I stopped to think -- just when right back to the instant sensation.
It felt like a was practicing vipassana and it felt right and good.
I don't know about stages, etc. I've never really been in practice at that. It was always pleasant with intermittent raptures and lights and colors.

Thanks for the post, Mike. I'm starting over a bit as well, having spent five days in Las Vegas!
As they say in Zen, 'fall down seven times, get up eight.'

Commentary:
I'm finally over my most recent withdrawl sy mptoms. Harder than usual. it's amazing how badly one's body and mind can just .... ache.
I'm surpised that now that I'm sitting again how sensitive I am to my sensations and other experiences. It feels like about six months ago when I was really getting this senstive for the first time and having a LOT of rapture. If I get on a certain roll the rapture can visit while not sitting and vibrations can be constantly vying for my attention. When it first happened I was so happy because it meant to me that something was happening and that I was getting somewhere on the developmental chart, you know?
Now, it's just stuff.
Anyway:40 minute sit in my office at work.
LOTs of vibrations. Still trying to just stick with noting what is exactly happening WITHOUT stopping to ponder and make comments. Was able to do this somewhat.
Near the end lots of activity in what I call "the third eye" -- shapes, colors, and a sense of being drawn into something.

"When it first happened I was so happy because it meant to me that something was happening and that I was getting somewhere on the developmental chart, you know?
Now, it's just stuff."

Good. When the "wow factor" dissipates, you just move on to whatever is next. In this way, even boredom becomes your ally.

You don't have to do anything except concentrate and pay attention.

Kenneth

""When it first happened I was so happy because it meant to me that something was happening and that I was getting somewhere on the developmental chart, you know?
Now, it's just stuff."

Good. When the "wow factor" dissipates, you just move on to whatever is next. In this way, even boredom becomes your ally.

You don't have to do anything except concentrate and pay attention.

Kenneth"

It's funny, with all the talking and thinking that can be done that is STILL the practice:

"pay attention to and note exactly what is happening right now"

that's it. JUST do that.

insight while waking up just now -
a part of me has been thinking all along that what I'm going to find when I REALLY look is something that "I" wont like so my looking is shaded by a very subtle aversion to what I may find.
This, of course, prevents me from seeing what is really going on, right?
And, how can what I find really be good or bad or anything at all?

I think that realization alone will help you see much more, Mike. Your sneaky habit of hiding "bad stuff" from yourself has been exposed!

"
I think that realization alone will help you see much more, Mike. Your sneaky habit of hiding "bad stuff" from yourself has been exposed!

"

How much of our activity is really about preventing ourselves from edging closer to the abyss of self-dissolution? We don't know what's within that abyss or what our place in it will be and we're very naturally afraid of the unknown. Sometimes I get the sense that I'm perpetually putting on this big dog-and-pony show and that my sense of a lack of progress or lack of an ability to progress is what I use to keep the dog-and-pony show going. I don't know if that makes any sense...

It makes sense, Joel. We get completely used to fooling ourselves. This is what is meant by the term "ignorance." If you face up to those things that you do not like, that your little self always runs away from then you will find out, as Mike is, that they're not really you and that they are not really much of anything at all. I was thinking about this last night -- the whole point of noting practice is really to get us focused on what is going on second after second after second after second. Why? So that we get used to dealing with some sort of base reality and not the version our egos create to hide their pain. If you are feeling ashamed, go there! If you are feeling angry, go there! If you feel any aversion to anything at all, go there! Expose that sh&t for what it is!

I have never felt fear the way I felt fear at having "me" dissolve in a jhana. Abject, nightmarish, involuntary, jump back and get-me-outta-here type fear. But ya gotta go there to find out it's just not all that.

"I have never felt fear the way I felt fear at having "me" dissolve in a jhana. Abject, nightmarish, involuntary, jump back and get-me-outta-here type fear. "

Right. The words that involuntarily popped out of my mouth when I had my biggest "opening" or what have you were, "Uh oh!"
I've always thought that was funny--and telling.

nice.
what also occured to me that I forgot to mention is this: how could truth/reality be any worse tha okay/fine if not completely awesome? "I" don't know what the F I'm talking about -- I just need to go there like Chris says and see it. (everything he just said makes so much sense)

Like Tom I have four days off (!) with a wife out of town and kids busy with their own things so I've been trying to meditate a lot and see if I can get some momentum.
Also I've just come off of a hugely stressful time at work and in many other ways and all of that is over so it has been a good time to decompress and deal with some of my "stuff."
First two days:
My sits were focused on rising/falling/stopping and then noting sensations/thoughts/feelings as they arose. VERY uneventful. No sense of stages, no raptures, etc. By the end of the day feeling frustrated, silly, lost, -- all the while knowing that it was just a feeling that would pass.
Next morning PM'd with Nik who helped me see that I had basically fallen into the trap of "looking for" rather than "looking at."
The rest of the day my sits were different as I was trying to make each note just about what was happening right then without looking beyond the moment. (the door is the door to the ....).
Then it got a little annoying as I became stuck in this state in which each rise, fall, stop, etc. -- as long as it was noted just right which was most of the time -- would cause a huge energy surge up my spine, past my neck and into my head causing my head to sway back and forth at incredible speed. So fast that it would whip my glasses off my head!
I swear this was a constant during every sit all day long yesterday. Occassionally my head would twist into some odd position with the energy seeming to be trying to push through and out and it would stay still like that for several minutes. my noting became: rise, surge, fall, surge, stop, surge, etc. On and on.
I did my best to just keep it up and keep noting. But, I swear this was my constant experience all day unless I got lost in thought. Of course if I did get lost in thought as soon as I returned to accurate noting I'd get a HUGE surge.
Today? we'll see.

"Of course if I did get lost in thought as soon as I returned to accurate noting I'd get a HUGE surge. Today? we'll see. "

I concur with this observation. When I get wrapped up in a story, more often than not when I return to real-time, I get a "rush", like a rapture, in conjunction with a real pressure in my head. I mentioned this to Kenneth, and he suggested that it was probably because while I was lost in a story, I had dropped down to the first few strata, and when I came back I was transitioning up again past the A&P, back to where I was previously.

"I mentioned this to Kenneth, and he suggested that it was probably because while I was lost in a story, I had dropped down to the first few strata, and when I came back I was transitioning up again past the A&P, back to where I was previously."-tomotvos

Actually, Tom, I was seeing it the other way around. I don't think you drop down to lower strata of mind every time your mind wanders. Instead, it is the natural movement up and down through the strata of mind that is driving the alternation between wandering and "accurate noting." In some strata of mind, it's predictable that the mind will wander. And in the A&P, it's predictable that noting will be effortless. I think it's common for yogis to invert the cause and effect relationship here, which is the point I wanted to make with you yesterday.

Yogis, don't imagine that every time your mind wanders it is because you are "doing it wrong" and that your wandering mind is causing you to "fall down" to lower strata of mind. It's natural for the mind to wander. When you catch it wandering, just return to noting as before, or return to your object if you are doing samatha practice. Your mind will continue to wander throughout your life, no matter how enlightened you get. Wandering mind is not your enemy, it's just another phenomenon to clearly observe. Whatever is happening to you in this moment is the right thing to be happening. See it clearly and let it be as it is.

A wandering mind is a sign that you are.

"Yogis, don't imagine that every time your mind wanders it is because you are "doing it wrong" and that your wandering mind is causing you to "fall down" to lower strata of mind. It's natural for the mind to wander. When you catch it wandering, just return to noting as before, or return to your object if you are doing samatha practice. Your mind will continue to wander throughout your life, no matter how enlightened you get. Wandering mind is not your enemy, it's just another phenomenon to clearly observe. Whatever is happening to you in this moment is the right thing to be happening. See it clearly and let it be as it is.

"

Suppose you are on a journey. At the onset of the journey, you're walking in open fields and things are bright, sunny, and spacious. You come to a dark wood, and must pass through the wood to get to the next leg of the journey. In the wood, there is little sunlight. It's hard to see where you're going. It's scary. There are strange things that you're not used to. You can't tell if you're going in the right direction. Notice, however, that this doesn't mean you are going backwards. You're still going forwards, but the quality of the journey has changed due to the territory. The increased struggle does not mean you've fallen behind. It's just what comes with the territory.

A simple example, yes, but that's sort of how it works.

P.S. I've been watching the Lord of the Rings trilogy with my wife this weekend - hence the "journey" metaphor

Thanks for the journey metaphor, Jackson. Very helpful. You have a teacher's instinct for moving ideas from the abstract to the concrete in order to make them more accessible to students.

Kenneth

" it is the natural movement up and down through the strata of mind that is driving the alternation between wandering and "accurate noting." In some strata of mind, it's predictable that the mind will wander. And in the A&P, it's predictable that noting will be effortless. ... Yogis, don't imagine that every time your mind wanders it is because you are "doing it wrong" and that your wandering mind is causing you to "fall down" to lower strata of mind. It's natural for the mind to wander. When you catch it wandering, just return to noting as before, or return to your object if you are doing samatha practice. "

Wow. This is so helpful. Thanks, Kenneth.

"Thanks for the journey metaphor, Jackson. Very helpful. You have a teacher's instinct for moving ideas from the abstract to the concrete in order to make them more accessible to students.

Kenneth"

"
P.S. I've been watching the Lord of the Rings trilogy with my wife this weekend - hence the "journey" metaphor "

"The dark fire will not avail you, Flame of Udun! Go back to the shadow. You shall not pass...without me noting you!"
Gandalf

"Thanks for the journey metaphor, Jackson. Very helpful."

Yeah, Jackson really does have a knack for explanation. Very cool, indeed.

" "The dark fire will not avail you, Flame of Udun! Go back to the shadow. You shall not pass...without me noting you!"
Gandalf"

There is no "MY precious," only contact, followed by fleeting sensations of preciousness.
"wanting, wanting," "precious, precious..."

"There is no "MY precious," only contact, followed by fleeting sensations of preciousness.
"wanting, wanting," "precious, precious..."

"

Hahaha, sorry for the hijack, Mike but wouldn't it be more like "precioussssss" "precioussssssss" 'hate" "hate' baggins-thought, 'agitation" "hate baggins-thought" "kill hobbits-thought" "see how it slithers in the dark" "preciousssssss-thought"

"Hahaha, sorry for the hijack, Mike but wouldn't it be more like "precioussssss" "precioussssssss" 'hate" "hate' baggins-thought, 'agitation" "hate baggins-thought" "kill hobbits-thought" "see how it slithers in the dark" "preciousssssss-thought""

Nerd Alert!!!! ;-D