Mike Monson's practice notes

"People occasionally get a little nervous about posting these kinds of sitting journals, but Mike's thread is just a perfect example of why doing this is so valuable. I'm learning a ton from reading this thread! Thanks, Mike!
"

Amen to that!

teaching no-dog to 'sit and stay'... If you go back to the old-school cryptic instructions, having practice under your belt, it's a real giggle how literal they are, especially [for me] the Chan and Zen guys: 'dropping off body and mind'; 'stopping and seeing'...

you go, Mike!

"People occasionally get a little nervous about posting these kinds of sitting journals, but Mike's thread is just a perfect example of why doing this is so valuable. I'm learning a ton from reading this thread! Thanks, Mike!
"

Well, I HOPE people arent' nervous.
This, along with some sort of personal instruction with Kenneth is, I believe, the core value of this site.
We post what we are really doing in practice no matter how right or wrong or good or bad or whatever it may be and then others give us encouragement and clarity based upon what we wrote.
I often find out I am wrong about something, which is good because it helps me to focus on what is right. But I'll never know if I am wrong (or right) unless I'm open enough to post my actual experience.
Plus, like everyone else, I read others' progress notes to learn more and to be challenged by what they are doing.

Mike, please let me second the others' comments. It's just excellent stuff you're posting here. And while it can get a "little nervous" to be this public with your practice, it's worth it as others will learn from your courage.

Thanks, but I really don't understand the "courage" aspect. I want awakening and I think this is the way to get it.
I feel like we are all on an open-ended Kenneth Folk retreat and our practice notes and the feedback from Kenneth and our dharma brothers and sisters are like the group discussions and teacher meetings of the retreat. So, they are of great benefit and I don't think we get the full benefit unless we are open to presenting our practice as completely and bluntly as possible.
And, like I said, I state a lot of things in my notes that I think could very well be wrong, but it is an honest reflection of where my head is at at that time. If I AM wrong I want to know it right away so I don't waste time on any useless tangents.
And, of course, the best part of the site is reading all of your practice notes. I am so often astonished at what I learn.
Liberation is WAY more important than any potential embarrassment or nervousness one might feel, right?

Okay, still working on simply trying to stick to actually DOING the practice. Trying to get consistent at actually making the noting of objects that are occuring RIGHT NOW -- rather than thinking, speculating, daydreaming, etc. -- as my primary activity while sitting.
One nice learning in the last few days -- noticing that one has left the noting and then going back to noting and having feelings about that .... is an object to note. So, luckily, one can never really do the practice wrong!
Anyway, 45 minute sit in my office at lunch today.
Tried to notice the "jhanic arc" and did see that it took a certain period of time to get settled and concentrated and between the start and the settled feeling I probably went through some stages 1-10 somehow.
Still I get to what seems like basic equanimity pretty quickly. The out-of-control head swaying is gone for now. There isn't much rapture going on, just here and there and when it does happen it must be arc placement indicator but I'm not sure how exactly.

My determination to concentrate and keep noting continuously eventually produced some new state about 20 minutes in: very very light headed, (head felt a bit like a baloon inflating) lots of brightness behind the eyes, and, at the peak, a feeling that my body had disapeared. This is the first time as far as I can remember I've experienced this. My gut told me to just keep doing what I was doing and not get wowed by the new state and I followed that instinct mostly.

At some point it did feel like I HAD peaked somehow and everything was unravelling or going back down.

AWESOME!!!!

I can't wait till you all start popping!

Lots of bliss soaked metta and mudita for you Mike!!!
It's like watching your favourite series and waiting for the big finale!

Many many similar sits.
Still not really able to see the progression in the jhanic arc until the end, when I can tell that I am at the peak for me. I try to be aware of it but I find that that just distracts me from my attempts to completely key into each moment's presented object, you know?
Nothing unpleasant happens (fear, disgust, desire for deliverence, etc) I just get more and more concentrated and my mindfullness gets more and more continuous.
There is tension when the continuity is broken.
Anyway, I'm calling my peak state "high equanimity" though I'm not at all sure I am right about it. However, before I'd gotten to this state and was in I guess "low" equanimity I was often told that I was "close to popping" I didn't believe it because I couldn't see how anything so significant could come from the state I was in. Now, though, when i am in what I'm calling high equanimity I can kind of see that some deeper understanding could happen from here.
It's just a little calmer, a little quieter, there are short periods of weak bliss, and the sense of the body disapearing and the head inflating as my continuity grows strong brings a sense that someting new is at hand -- as long as my concentration stays steady.
I refuse to get excited or anxious about this. I want to just keep living, keep sitting, keep swinging up to this point and keep getting better at maintaining continuity and let what happens happen if or when it will. All I can do is stay relaxed, focused, and consistent and live my live as peacefully as possible in the meantime.

"I want to just keep living, keep sitting, keep swinging up to this point and keep getting better at maintaining continuity and let what happens happen if or when it will. All I can do is stay relaxed, focused, and consistent and live my live as peacefully as possible in the meantime. "

Brilliant! That's what you have to do! Keep swinging Mike! Cut that path all the way to nirvana. Peel back the layers until there are no more layers to peel. This quote by Buddhist Geek Vince is currently my favourite:

"One of the great skills of vipassana is to help release identification from experience, which I've previously taken to be 'me' or 'mine'. By examining and releasing this identification the sense of 'me' has been able to expand and become subtler. That new subtle 'me' then gets seen, becomes an object (as opposed to the subject) and identity pushes back even further. It goes back to the point where there is literally nowhere left to stand and 'pop''”Nirvana."

Sat at least four 30-40 min sits each day over the weekend. All sits similar. Quickly got to what seems like basic equaniminty (10 minutes or so in) with no unpleasantness along the way. Just kept working on continuity -- practicing over and over gently going from noting each object one after another with no gap for spacing out or thinking or analyzing in-between. My success at this varied but got better and better all the time.
About 20 minutes in, depending on how much continuity I'd developed, I'd enter what I am calling "high equanimity" this is a new state for me and is right now very fragile because the temptation to stop and look and think and comment on it is so great. I'm confident though that with practice I'll settle into it and stay with it for longer and longer periods. Sometimes it feels great and I try to remember to disembed from that by noting it.
I'm feeling very grateful and patiently ready right now. I don't want to push too hard whle at the same time i don't want to slack off, you know?
Upon awakening this morning noticed my hands and feet were vibrating and a newly fast and intense pace.
I just now sat for about 20 minutes in my office. Huge vibrations -- hands, feet, general over-all body. It was like thousands of tiny pin pricks that came in and out with a wave-like pulse. this is new. The sit never really got going -- my office and cell phones kept ringing and there was an unusually loud meeting going on in the room next to mine.

Great to hear what is going on with you... Keep doing what you are doing...

First, I think I might be noticing something from the time I first sit to 11: a few mintues in I usually get a blip of emotion followed by a strong desire to stop meditating and get up. I never take the desire seriously and it leaves pretty much right away.
Okay, 60 minute sit in my office at work.
For lack of a better word, I'll describe this sit as "deep," the deepest I've ever gone. How to describe it other than that? uhh ...... once I felt I was in high E, which was relatively soon (ten mintues? less?) my head felt more and more inflated and my body feelings -- other than vibrations -- went away. I got there by noting sensations clearly and accurately and once there I mostly kept noting sensations when my mind was't wandering which was still a lot, but within this same state. I spent a lot of time just whatching rather than noting and the state "deepened" and I got a kind of light headed giddy feeling, sort of like laughing gas at the dentist ( a LOT like that actually).
So I don't know -- it lasted a long time and was really uneventual in a way, watched and/or noted objects, got lost in thought, watched thoughts.
Now near the end -- and this is the most unique part -- I felt compelled to just "empty" my mind. that's it, not look, not note, not think, just completely let go. I wasn't sure if this was the practice or not, but I'm all about experimenting and finding things out for myself, so I dove in. Doing this made things brighter, more inflated/light headed feeling, more giddy.
Now, I really have no idea what is going on because it is all new to me but it was all very interesting, but, in a very real sense -- NO BIG DEAL.
Also interesting is that as deep as i felt i was, as soon as I opened my eyes to go back to work I was instantly back to normal, no decompressing necessary. No transition AT ALL.
cont.

Also, and I wonder how much this matters, I have no sense of having noticed or learned anything about the three characteristics. I just noted intently, got to "high e" I guess, and then followed my gut into letting go.
I think there is probably just more to do (or not do!) from here.

"Also, and I wonder how much this matters, I have no sense of having noticed or learned anything about the three characteristics. I just noted intently, got to "high e" I guess, and then followed my gut into letting go.
I think there is probably just more to do (or not do!) from here. "

You don't need to learn anything about the 3 characteristics. Seeing these characteristics gives you a reason to let go. But you are letting go by noting any way. And in my experience you wont really "get" the three characteristics until stream entry...in my experience of course, I could be wrong.

and you just have to keep at it...it's the whole chewing scenario, eventually you will swallow automatically. I like to think of it as carving out that path for the energies to flow up to the crown unblocking as much as needed in order to pop a hole out the top of the head to get a fruition. Keep carving out that road, clearing out the obstacle, the embedded "I".

"... sort of like laughing gas at the dentist"

Mike, was this feeling constant and even no matter what or did it vary, go up and down in intensity, with the breath?

"
"... sort of like laughing gas at the dentist"

Mike, was this feeling constant and even no matter what or did it vary, go up and down in intensity, with the breath?

"

Shoot! I really can't remember if it was linked to the breath or not but it did get stronger and stronger when I followed the instinct to just .... let go, empty my mind.

Mike, what happens is, in my humble opinion, not something you need to "get" intellectually. Your job is to sit just as you are doing. The more you intellectualize the more you're going to get on your own way. Please answer my last question, too

Ah, okay. Thanks... and keep going!

When all the ingredients have been mixed together
And the dough has risen
And the oven is hot
And the bread is in the oven...
Let 'er bake!

well .... I never used to pay much attention to where I was at in stages 1-11. but now that i think I get what high E is and have some sense of the dark dukhas going by I'm finding a tendancy to slip into looking "for" rather than "at" which brings the inevitable frustration, flatness, an almost lifeless experience.
So, I'm working on avoiding that right now and it's going fine. the important thing is that I have enough experience now to see it happening.
back to the door that is the door to the door ....
anyway, a nice saturday with a lot of sitting and peacefulness. spent most of the morning and afternoon experimenting with a Mahasi style retreat practice of trying to built some continuity of mindfulness in all activities. it was a good time for it cause there was no work and no one around really to hurry me. I did my best to note all movements, feelings, thoughts as they happened while cooking, cleaning, sitting, driving, going to the gym and, especially, all the in-between moments. I SAW a lot. Clearly there is a lot of stuff going on all the time that is over looked and that brings clues to who I truly am.
it's amazing that what could be considered the most insignicant stuff is actually what liberates

also -- the continuous mindfullness practice basically REQUIRES one to disembed. there is just no way to note an object completely and then move on immediately to the next one without being totally objective -- there is NO time to linger behind long enough to identify with a feeling, a thought, a sensation, a movement.

This is the best time of my life so far. I feel so alive, so intimate with things.
Anyway, sits are similar, the only difference is how deep things feel at the very peak. Sometimes it feels very deep and sometimes not so much.
I'm working a lot more with feeling tone, mind states and thoughts than I ever have. My sitting practice has been dominated by focusing on sensations and vibrations and it still is, but I'm bringing in the other elements more and more.
But the big movement in my practice is in bringing a retreat-like attitude into all my non-sitting time. I'm really doing all I can to keep noting all sensations, feeling tones, mind states and thoughts ALL THE TIME. And, guess what? It actually is possible to do it for a great deal of the time.
I'v e had some momentum lately with continuity in both sits and elsewhere that has been fasinating.
Yes, I haven't "popped" but, you know, right now if I didn't know "frution" existed I'd think the life I'm having now was .... exactly right.
The only glitch I experience right now is i'll feel so alive and things seem so translucent from doing the practice that I'll start to expect to feel that way all the time and then get frustrated briefly before going back to the actual practice -- which is to be with whatever is going on right now (be it "good" "bad" "painfull" "joyous" "boring" "exciting" -- whatever, who gives a ****?)

And the best part is that I know that I've just begun. that what is happening right now is just the beginning of discoveries. All I've done is started to develop some investigative skills that have opened things up. As I develop those skills more and keep investigating my hunch is that there is much much more to see.
It's weird to be so positive and enthusiastic but I've always tried to be blunt and honest in my posting and this is truly the way I feel RIGHT NOW.
I realize that it might be more effective for me to report on what exactly I am noting and what my exact experience is rather than my opnion of it and I'll try to do that in future posts.

"The continuous mindfullness practice basically REQUIRES one to disembed. there is just no way to note an object completely and then move on immediately to the next one without being totally objective -- there is NO time to linger behind long enough to identify with a feeling, a thought, a sensation, a movement."-telecaster

Listen up, everyone, Mike is tellin' it straight. If you are doing the noting technique as instructed, you are not suffering. If you are suffering, you are not doing the technique properly. That is the cold, hard reality of the situation. Properly understood, this is extraordinarily good news. Man/woman up and learn the 4 Foundations of Mindfulness and the bystander and apply the technique. The technique leads to to "the end of suffering, first on a part-time and later on a full time basis."(U Pandita said that.)

Mike, your posts 70-72 are so chock full of wisdom and excellence that I read them all three times. And I'm not done reading them yet. This practice works.

I once asked Bill Hamilton why some people don't seem to succeed in this practice. "They aren't following the instructions," he replied. "They are doing something else, something they cooked up on their own."

It's not very complicated. Do the techniques, as instructed. Results follow.

May all beings awaken in this lifetime.

Kenneth

""The continuous mindfullness practice basically REQUIRES one to disembed. there is just no way to note an object completely and then move on immediately to the next one without being totally objective -- there is NO time to linger behind long enough to identify with a feeling, a thought, a sensation, a movement."-telecaster

Listen up, everyone, Mike is tellin' it straight. If you are doing the noting technique as instructed, you are not suffering. If you are suffering, you are not doing the technique properly. That is the cold, hard reality of the situation. Properly understood, this is extraordinarily good news. Man/woman up and learn the 4 Foundations of Mindfulness and the bystander and apply the technique. The technique leads to to "the end of suffering, first on a part-time and later on a full time basis."(U Pandita said that.)"

Exactly.
One just has to really be willing to do it as instructed.
What you are doing is trading in all your hopes and dreams and desires for self-specific outcomes for something that is much much better.
And, for me right now, it isn't any kind of bliss or jhana experiences or frutions/cessations/etc. but a nice absence of the usual pain. that's it, really, lack of pain along with more access to a wider variety of experience of LIFE.