MuMuWu's Practice Journal

What meekan said.

Thanks guys!

I woke up today knowing I would be late for work and there wasn't even a twinge of anxiety. It was quite surprising... but I'm not complaining

Rode up and down the arc last evening. Afterwards I began meditating on the breath with buddho (bud - in, dho - out). Got extremely strong blissful sensations in the body (piti) for several hours as a result. It was pretty wild walking around and doing things with all this bliss going on even though I was no longer meditating on buddho. If it started to lessen I either looked for tension in the body and relaxed around it or I simply returned to buddho/breath awareness.

Before bed I used the same technique to go up through the 8 jhanas (my timer went off shortly after going into 8th). It was a much deeper experience of them than I usually get. I seemed to experience several fruitions while in equanimity territory.

I will definitely give this another go

"Thanks guys!

I woke up today knowing I would be late for work and there wasn't even a twinge of anxiety. It was quite surprising... but I'm not complaining "

Coolness

Been pondering something....

Normally, when I do witness practice, I sort of take up a position of observing from somewhere in the skull. The eyes sort of take on a steady forward gaze in relation to this. It has sort of the same feel in setup as when I am manipulating attention to go into a jhana (focusing attention in a specific way).

On the other hand, I have been pondering this other way of looking at the sense of self. It seems to have a similar result as witness practice (maybe this is the same thing). If I turn my mind to "me" I pick up this sort of ephemeral, ghostly, background. It has sort of a vague image associated with it, perhaps of my face or my smile or something like that. This seems to be present in the background all of the time. It's sort of my essence, or a distilled version of what I would call myself. It always seems calm and beyond everything else. It has somewhat of a quality of space with it as well.

When I do witness practice it's almost more physical or concrete where as this seems more like a mental phenomenon (in the way that the handles for formless realms are mental phenomenon and don't seem to be associated with the body).

This second thing, whatever it is, seems to be the common factor of experience at all times. This is what "I" feel like and have felt like since I was a child. This feeling being present is how I know I am me when I first arise in the morning. It doesn't really have any quality that would be easy to describe.

Sat for about a half hour last night before bed.

Had been feeling a lot of aches and pains throughout the day, felt very tired. A nap seemed to help slightly, but still felt pretty crappy.

Didn't use a formal sitting posture, just sat upright on a couch in the dark. Things got pretty tingly upon closing the eyes and following the breath. Initially still felt pretty achey, began to focus on in and out breath. This generated pleasant feelings in the body which I tuned into and they grew. Things were much more pulsey and vibrationy at this point, but still an undertone of unpleasantness and tension. I switched to witness practice at this point. I was surprised at how deep the witness experience was at this point. Felt very locked in. Went through some very negative body feelings fairly shortly after followed by some queasyness, sadness, stray thoughts, etc. The usual stuff I feel when going through the dukkha nanas.

The point at which things opened up and equanimity struck was very pronounced. Still a lot of lingering negativity but very clear change from suffering to acceptance on a deep level.

I seemed to get more and more absorbed into the moment. At one point it felt like everything became a single solid block of experience for a moment and then it felt like I had just experienced a pretty pronounced fruition (feeling of discontinuity in the experience, blissful feelings coming on after a short delay). I don't think I went back to the A&P at this point though. I seemed to continue up through the formless realms.

My experience of them during this sit was particularly deep. It was very formless, not a lot of body sensations in the background.

My recollection of the specifics at this point is fairly sparse.

Alarm went off at the 30 minute mark.

I'm not really sure where I'm at or what I should be doing right now.

Over the past few weeks I've played around with anapanasati (sp?). I would use the breath to go through the jhanas and I got very deep absorbed experiences of everything up to 8th. I've tried doing the noting thing a bit lately. I haven't spent much time in the 2nd or 3rd gear.

Today I'm playing around with the witness. I'm sort of resolving to do some longer sittings going up and down the arc.

I was making good progress it seemed with just being present in the body and 3rd gear but at some point I just seem to have lost some of the drive to do that and the lingering feelings of having to do something led me back to more basic practices.

I feel ok most of the time, but I think that's part of the issue as there's no great drive to practice most of the time. I'm still tuning into the moment throughout the day, but formal practice has really taken a nose dive.

I'm not quite sure what to do or not to do at this point. I've tried finding that NS button, but I'm really not quite sure what to look for in terms of knowing whether I'm identifying the right point in the head and all that.

Anyways, just felt like it's been quite a while since I posted anything... so here's a post.

Hey, mu!
Just wanted to give a shou out, and my best wishes!
don't have much feedback other than that...

Good to see you back! Your practice remains tremendously inspiring.

(1st post on prev page) Turning to the body. There's some pressure in the back, pressure in the foot. I'm sitting cross legged (right ankle on top of left knee - not proper posture) in a chair. I can feel the pressure of where the legs come together. There's a pain in the right hand, itching in the ear (probably from my ipod earbud - this is what I'm thinking). Focusing again on the visual field. Seems fairly bright now. There's some flickering and very slight patterning in the form of blobs of energy. Sort of a numbness in my left arm. Dull ache in my lower back (from my sitting position). Pressure in my buttocks. Pressure in my foot which is on the floor. Slight burning in my foot - like a very bright coolness. Dullness overcoming me now. Sense of quiet and stillness. Embarrassment. Pressure in the chest. Burning on the skin. Pressure in the head. Pressure in the head. Pressure in the head. Pressure in the head. Pressure in the head. Itching. Pain in the head. Numbness in the arms. Thinking about calling my girlfriend. Uniformity in the visual field. Itching in right ear. Itching. Pain in the head. Pressure around the face. Contact points in the body. Burning in the stomach. Can hear my mother in the next room. Sense of sadness, lack of accomplishment. Embarrassment - squandering things. Pressure in my body. Tingling - all over like a soda pop. Except the head - it's mainly tension. There's an itchy spot right on the back of the head. Itching in my eye. Pressure in the head. Itch in the eye again. Itch. Itch. Itch. Desire to scratch. Scratching my eye. Itch. Scratching. Thinking about time - how long I've been here, how long will I sit? Pressure in the body. Dullness. Urge to escape on some level for sure. Negative sensations mainly now. Just driving me nuts. Itch in my eye. Itches around the body - bright ones. Looking right at them seems to lessen them.

(from a recorded noting session Today).
pressure in head, itching in nose, pain in knee, pressure in back and feet, urge to sneeze, sneezing, slight pulsing visually, bright itch in ear, same fast pulse seemingly observable in hands (slightly), pressure in forehead, thinking "is this the third eye and what might that mean", twitching in face, image of face, sense of weariness that seems to mainly involve breathing - some pressure in pallette and tension in the eyebrows, sense of burning in my left arm, tension in head, tension in the face, sense of aversion, anxious burning on the skin, tension in the back of the neck, thoughts of lump in neck I've had for a while, churning on thoughts and wondering about my practice journal, pulsing in hand, sense of gratitude (that's what I'm calling it) - mainly thoughts of Kenneth, a little bit of sadness, feel like just before crying/tears, sense of heaviness around the mouth and jaw, thinking about how there's parts of the body I'm not really in touch with. Burning in the arms and a lot of small sensations - little energy patterns everywhere. Tuning into the visual field now (sort of automatically). Seems like less of a distinction between the visual space and my body. Some pressure spots in the right side of my head. Again the thought of whether it's the crown or whatever, and what that might mean. Flicker in the visual field. Flicker in the visual field. Itch on left side of forehead. Flicker in the visual field. Pain in the lower back. Flicker in the visual field. Flickering in the visual field - In the upper area, seems to be to the right. A varying brightness. Seems related to the breath. Sense of interest in it. Pressure in the head. Wondering why there's no urge to escape some of this right now - figure it might be due to the talk I just had with Kenneth.

Wondering if I'm scripting that. Pressure in the arms and back. Tedious static-like energy looming around the body. Most prevalent in the parts of the body that are in contact with something. Watching the visual field now. More flickering there again. It's on the left this time. Coolness on the surface of the arms, the face. Silence on some level (though there is noise in the background). Itching on the head. Sense of openness. Something seems to be happening with eye focus. Very aware of my mouth right now and my teeth. Pretty harsh ache developing in my right thigh and my left one. Again with the itches. Burning in the shoulders. Aching in the leg. I can hear my voice. Tension in the face. Feel myself asking "where am I in this." Itching in the head. Thinking about my mother in the next room. Tension in the chest and face. Wondering why my birthday is affecting me so much. How did I get to this point? 29 and nothing to show for it except books, records, a tv and a car. I wonder how much this "quest" has contributed to all of this. A sense of not being able to move foreword until this issue is solved, and not even knowing what the issue is. Very intense negative sensations in the shoulders now. Urge to label them as something. Some state. A sense that I could move past that state, if I could just do the right thing. Some tingling in the hands and burning on the surface of the arms. Itching in the ears and the body. Burning in and around the chest. I can feel my lips touching each other. Itch behind the right ear. Thinking of Kenneth again.

There's a real sense of a single space now. Hear my dog at the door. Let him in. "Comin in?" Itch at the ears. Itch in the body. Brightness in the visual field. Tightness in the throat now. Burp. Is this disgust? Itch in the body. Itch. Burning. Tension in the head at the temples. Very tense. Am I contributing to the tension? Very palpable sense of sadness generated by these sensations. Itch in the body. Very noticeable vibrations which also seem to have a flicker to them. Again a thought of maybe I could just pause this right now. Vibrations in the face, itches. Slight flickering visually, corresponding flickeryness (like a flame) to the vibrations in my hands. A fast slight pulsing. Tension in the back and back of neck as well. Thought - If this is meditation - why do I bother? Tightness in the chest and back - across the shoulders - a constriction. Tension in the face - the temples. Burning in the eyes. Blanket of dullness - I think is a generalized pressure in the head. Pain in the left thigh. Sense of wanting to stop. Itching in the ear again. Coolness. Overarching feeling like a chill - like goosepimply. Seems to be a tension in the head but a point of joy in the chest and heart. Theres a real happiness somewhere for some reason. Feel like a pleasant sensation and an urge to smile around my mouth and face. Positive sensations moving down the arm. Sense of spaciousness. Tension around the chin and forehead - not too negative - more negative around the temples. Itch. Real sense of presence in the head. Lightness to the experience - a brightness. Few slight itches. Don't feel as negative now. Less of a focus on the vibrations in the body. More of a mind focus. Like a large circle centred around my eyes. Brightness. Hearing sounds. Stillness. Itch on the head.

Pressure in the front of the head. Pleasant disorientation. Fast pulse. Coolness. This must be what it's like to truly contemplate your experience. Fast pulsing centred slightly above the eyes. Quite slight. Breath seems to generate pleasant coolness in the arms. Very bright experience. Desire to just let go into it, follow the breath, and lose myself. Slightly negative pressure and a twitch in my shoulder. Itching points in the head. Negative image. Spontaneous imagery. Tingling in the arms. Sense of excitement. More pleasant coolness. Can hear background sounds. Focus seems at the top of the head. Pressure in the throat and arms. Pressure at the head. Very intense pressure. Difficult to note. VERY TIGHT PRESSURE AT TOP OF THE HEAD. VERY TIGHT PRESSURE AT THE TOP OF THE HEAD. Chin pressing against chest. very tight pressure at the top of the head. very tight pressure. Head seems forced downward. Pressure at back of the head and top of the head (more so at the third eye and the back of the head). Feels like a bar has been shoved through the lower back of the head and is coming out through the forehead. Head is forced into a certain position. Slight burning in the arms. Pressure in the leg, forehead. Coolness in the arms. Queasiness in the throat. Head wants to stay in that position. Itching points. Tension seems to be dissipating. Brightness returning. Slight visual flicker. Tension in the forehead. Stillness. Pain in the arms. Desire to quit here. Burning in the arms and legs. Itch in the head. Tension. Flickering visual. Sense of space. Desire for fruitions. Brightness visually. Visual focus. Tension in the back of the head. Rocking shaking motion. Body is rocking back and forth on it's own very slightly. Burning sensation in the arms. Rocking very fast. Tension in the head. Pain in the legs. Sadness. Pressure in the head. Pressure. Tightness in the throat. Queasiness. Intense queasiness, gagging. Itches in the face. Pressure in back of head.

Queasiness, itches. Disoriented feeling. Pain in the leg. Image of vomit. Sense of "I shouldn't be in Dukkha nanas right now." Tension in the leg. Harsh vibrations. Really don't like the feel of this at all. Does feel Dukkha Nana-y right now. Just want it to stop. Harsh vibrations, almost painful. Not much of a body sense. Space. Clock checking (1/2 hour in at this point). Itching in the mouth. Pain in the arms. Pain in the arms. Tension in the face. Intense energy of Dark Night is very palpable right now throughout the body. Itching in the right eye - very itchy - scratching. Thinking about this practice and it's value and how much I just want to stop right now. Pain in the head and eyes. Itching. Pain. Pain. Pain. Sense of space around this now that wasn't there before. Coolness. Itching. Pain. Pain. Queasiness. Hearing. Itching. Tension. Aching. Tension in the face. Burning coolness in the skin. Aching in the lower back. Tension in the eyebrows. Light in the visual field. Itching in the eyes. Itching nose. Pressure in the feet. Journalling thought. Itchiness. Itchiness. Itchiness. Itching. Tingling vibrations. Burning in the skin. Harshness. Pressure in the head. Video game thought. Itching on collar bone. Pressure in the head. Exercise thought. Work thought. Flickering visually. Tingling in mouth. Sense of spaciousness. Pressure in the leg. Flickering visually. pain in the lower back. pain in the lower back. Visual field flickering. Coolness. Vibrations in the arms and hands. Feel both hands at once. Itching. Burning itch in face (right on the tip of the nose). Bright itch. Hearing. Tension in the throat. Pressure in the legs. Uncrossing leg. Pressure in the back. Itch on ear. Itch on chest. Desire to stop. Coolness. Itching. Map thoughts.

Sense of spaciousness. Openness. Very spacious sensation. Pleasant tingling. Aching in the head. Brightness visually. Visual focus. Wonder if I'm scripting formless Jhanas. Slight pain in the back. Very visual focus. Shift forward. Feels like I'm in 6th Jhana. Brightness. Pleasant body sensations. Flows of cool, pleasant vibrations. Slight ache in the knee. Visual focus. Brightness lessening. More pleasant vibrations in the chest. Coolness in the arms. Seems to be flickeringness to the'¦ experience (spacing out)'¦. visually'¦. feels like.. 8th Jhana'¦ (long gap of silence)'¦. desire for pureland. Very pleasant sensations in the arms and chest. Pressure at third eye. Sense of a discontinuity. Not sure if it was fruition (probably not). Very pleasant sensations in arms. Pleasant pressure in forehead. Body focus (can feel my feet on floor, back on chair). Coolness in the arms and chest. Pleasant burning. Whispering (can't make out)'¦ Visually bright. Straightening out a bit. Focus moves to top of head. Telephone ringing'¦ GOTTA GO.

Genius.

Thanks Kenneth. Adding the recorder to the mix and using a more narrative style really seemed to bring the practice to another level. Thanks for the advice.

mu,
I was wondering how you managed so much detail, a recorder, cool. I'm curious what it adds though, or is it just approaching noting from a narrative style that makes the change?

It seems to keep you more accountable. You have to keep talking or there will just be dead air.

"Just realise you are dreaming a dream you call the world and stop looking for ways out. The dream is not your problem. Your problem is that you like one part of your dream and not another."
-Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj

Teehee! Add some speach recognition software and you have semi-automated KFD logging.

""Just realise you are dreaming a dream you call the world and stop looking for ways out. The dream is not your problem. Your problem is that you like one part of your dream and not another."
-Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj"

So true.

Sensations, thoughts, witness, attention, states, stages, etc. are all just manifestations of consciousness. It's all like a reflection in a mirror. They are all the same... and without those words, does any of it even exist?

"people fall in love with the road and forget the destination"