MuMuWu's Practice Journal

Mark,

Anxiety rarely snowballs now. Also it's a much rarer thing. I don't wake up feeling anxious these days.

Congrats Mu. I'm happy for you. If you did indeed just attain a path, now is a very powerful time to make a resolution to get this done. Immediately post path, the mind is amazingly clear and focused. The temptation is to bask in it, but you can put it to amazing use. Good luck!

Thanks Owen. Anything you'd recommend?

Things are still pretty much the same. Nothing really compares to the morning after I had the initial thing I am taking to be a cessation where I was having them over and over all morning.

I had a good 20-30 minute sit today. I did noting on 4 foundations. I started at what I take to be A&P and went through a fairly deep but amusing set of dukkha nanas (following a brief dissolution which almost had the sensation of being suspended over a chasm). I found them to pretty interesting, especially the images that were coming to mind (even though things such as the sensation of fear were rather intense and deep). When they came to an end I fought the urge to become absorbed and noted fairly rapidly and had a blip followed by intense bliss and a blankish mind-state (aware, but not much going on in the way of thought/difficult to bring a mental focus - to note for example) shortly after I started doing that.

I've been playing around with direct mode with very good results, although it still requires a lot of vigilance to keep it going. Definitely much less in the way of going off on a tangent, but brief momentary slips from the kill-switch (a few seconds say) are still occurring.

Congrats, Mumuwu. Always good to see another progress here.

Well, about time?

Hey Mu,
The resolution I made after getting 2nd path was to attain enlightenment as quickly as possible for the sake of all sentient beings. Classical formula, but effective. I also rode the post path mental charge into my formal noting practice and kept the momentum going by noting whenever I could throughout the day. The time you spend not aware of your reality as it exists now is the amount of time you delay enlightenment. Now it the time to jump into it with both feet; if you make waking up the purpose of you life from now on, you cannot possibly miss it!
Good luck.

Thanks owen. With the work I've been doing on mental states and thoughts over the past few weeks my noting has gotten much more solid. I will make the same resolution (with the added note to hang out in review for a little while until I've gotten as much as I need to know out of it) and I will try and keep the noting on a fairly intense level as much as possible. I will try to not to get sidetracked with direct mode and things like that until after 4th path.

So I woke up feeling pretty mellow and tired. At some point I started feeling anxious and now I'm experiencing anxiety, pain, and nausea all at once.

Let's see where this goes.

Feeling much less suffering now. Head feels clear, still some minor aches in the body but it feels like I've emerged from the harsh negativity. YAY! just in time for lunch!

there's a harsh negative tingling/energy in the body. It feels like ramped up anxiety.

Mentally I'm pretty good. I feel dis-embedded from it. I'm guessing this is a cycling thing. Trying to just allow it to pass through as noting doesn't seem to do much other than keep me from identifying with it.

This started shortly after the last post.

Very harsh negative vibrations. Feel very tired. Aches around the body (intensity varies) and occasional nausea.

Quick update.

I've been working on concentration since Monday. I've also done noting several times resulting in clear nanas with fruitions.

Been trying several different ways of accessing Jhanas. One way has been to follow the breath at the left nostril as it moves in and out across it. I will feel the coolness there and focus on it, eventually it begins to feel very pleasurable at that spot. Gradually I can feel the same cool/pleasant feeling in a much wider area in the face and I begin to feel rapture in the body. I keep going with this until the pleasure/rapture is quite strong and I tune into that. At some point I feel the focus widen and the application of effort fall away. The visual field gets brighter and there's more of a focus on the joy and pleasure in the body . This will eventually die down and I notice coolness on the skin along with a chilled bliss. Distant sounds will come into focus eventually and the skin barrier seems to drop away and the bliss settles down as well. If I tune into strobing at this point (which seems to come up as long as the concentration is deep enough) I will experience a momentary gap which has a distinct feel and then feel a sense of release and bliss.

I haven't done this much and have only gone up to 4th via that method.

I've also used a kasina, which generates rapture very quickly but it isn't as pleasurable in a sensuous way as the first method I described (and the joy wasn't prevalent). I think this is mainly an issue of time I put into attaining the 1st Jhana. Using the Kasina I went up to 4th (closed my eyes after 1st). I eventually notice that rather than a bunch of things being perceived (distant sounds/ objects etc.)all around (in front and in the periphery of the visual field simultaneously) the space that contains them becomes prevalent. If I attune myself to this space it becomes a very distinct experience.Eventually the focus goes back

toward the back of the head in the middle. This is a very distinct experience. The subject becomes most prevalent (this is what I focus on when doing 2nd gear). It is very much what appears to have been experiencing the space I was just focusing on. There is a tension felt at this spot as well which can be somewhat uncomfortable if I apply too much effort in focusing there.

Eventually this focus seems to fade out. And unlike space, where the sensation of space was quite prevalent, or 4th Jhana where there is a wide all encompassing focus, I am aware that the focus is on nothing. It is almost like an infinitely small point in the middle of my experience. I am aware that I am focusing on nothing and if the mind goes to focus on something I can feel a movement away from this state.

Eventually something odd happens. It seems to also eventually involve a pressure in the third eye area. At this point the nothingness starts to move in a weird way (or more accurately the attention starts to move around). It is almost a bubbling sensation with the attention moving out toward things, but not grasping them and then coming back. It is hard to describe exactly but it seems to have a movement to it.

It's pretty easy to watch these descend in reverse order as well. I will feel the bubbling awareness go away, then there's really nothing in focus (I also feel more tension around the body as it descends). Next I will feel the witness point (this is very noticeable), then that fades out and spaciousness comes into focus. Next I feel the body, sounds, etc. become prevalent again. I will then feel coolness, and if the eyes are open I see the periphery become the focus. Next the center becomes the focus, coolness is gone, aware of some bliss (nothing like on the ascent). Lastly the focus shrinks to a smaller area. I am usually aware of some aching in the body at this point and feel like I want to stretch and yawn.

Focusing on the witness (the sensation in 6th Jhana and the common element between it and the other Jhanas) seems to result in a quick tour through each of the strata I've just described. It tends to be less deep on the first ascent. But holding it will eventually result in a tour back down as well. The more times I go up and down the deeper it seems to go.

I got a real sense of how there's just THIS yesterday. How if I am with experience there is no suffering. If I am looking out of my eyes, for that moment - no suffering, no me. When I go back inside it starts again. If I surrender totally, no matter if there's aches in the body, or whatever, everything is ok. When I let go of the moment, the mind starts going and I am no longer in the moment (I am thinking about it or about the future or the past /I am distracted).

After that experience, I feel like being in the moment (through the senses mainly) is far more interesting than any of the books on my shelf, or jhanas, or anything like that.

That being said, I'm also noticing that throughout the day as I do this I often get tangled up. I lose it and am back to my old tricks. I find that concentration practice and noting help me get my bearings and I am very much enjoying witness practice. I get now how non-manipulation is a key to it.

Just now, for example, I jumped from each jhana up as far as I could go (I take it to be 8th) and then went as deeply into it as I could/felt like. I then allowed the attention to naturally drop down and experienced the nanas I had skipped on the way back down. I then held the witness and went back up through the jhanas & nanas in a more indepth way, up to what I take to be 8th jhana. From there I resolved to experience a fruition and watched the strobing/flickering/movement there. I experienced a subtle discontinuity followed by pleasant tingling and blissful feelings. Soon after I felt coolness on the skin.

All day and since yesterday afternoon, however, I've been far more interested in what's going on around me and I feel very very present and content and free. It feels like tuning into the moment/especially sounds and visuals is extremely gratifying and I am having tons of fun with my family/girlfriend/coworkers, etc

Long weekend.Will write more later

I've also been experiencing cycling throughout the day (noticing flickering/vibrations and pulsing - tuning into which causes fruitions, pressures and nausea, anxiety, equanimity, etc.).

I've also been noticing some palpable energy, mainly on the skin that gets somewhat intense randomly coming up throughout the day. Also aching in and around the body (especially shoulders) from time to time.

Sat with a kasina briefly to bring about first jhana fators. Felt very pleasant tingling on the skin/cool energy, happiness, and directed focus (initially on kasina) then on pleasant sensations.

Closed the eyes and resolved to rise up the arc using the witness. Noticed some brief pressures and itching after a short while followed by strobing/flickering (quite prominant), brightness, and tingling. The mind felt very unperturbed vs. meditating a couple of weeks ago. It felt much larger/peaceful in some way through this whole process. Less evaluation, less manipulation, less noise.

Eventually felt the mind open up more in some way, as well as a palpable coolness. The strobing died down as well. Eventually a anxious energy was felt on the skin. This eventually transitioned to uncomfortable sensations around the body, especially felt in the thighs and back. I felt sadness come up very quickly. It was strange because it was so evident that I let out a surprised laughed initially. At this point I had to go put the oven on preheat. A general malaise was felt as I did this.

When I re-established sitting, I felt an openness and a sense of relief. I quickly felt an intense pressure/pain build in the head. This was quickly accompanied by anxious energy. These sensations were much deeper than what had been going on prior to getting up. I eventually found myself gagging (actually making those vomiting sounds) and coughing.

Eventually things seemed to die down, there was some straggling unpleasant sensations but I was hearing distant sounds and the mind felt more at ease. As this deepened, strobing eventually became prevalent. I eventually experience several discontinuities (johnny johnny johnny woops johnny johnny) type things. These were followed by blissful tingling in the body. I eventually felt a transition to coolness and went through a similar suffering cycle as before.

Current practice is building concentration for a bit and then riding the arc up and down. Witness practice is easy and clear.

This is a lot easier than it used to be.

Life is quite enjoyable. Little to no anxiety these days. Tendency for thoughts/emotions to snowball seems very attenuated.

Feel somewhat unmotivated to practice/journal as the pain that seemed to make it so necessary seems quite less.

PROGRESS!!!!!!

Had a crazy bad headache today centered around the third eye area. I was doing Kasina / witness practice pretty intensely last night, I'm not sure if it's related. It seemed to be connected to the eyes as well in some way. They hurt, and wanted to flicker occasionally.

I experienced some intense anxiety earlier today followed by nauseous gagging but mainly the headache was what was most prevalent.

The headache is dissipating now.

Noting 4 foundations while playing ball with my dog just now. Very lucid and clear experience of the nanas. What stood out the most for me was when I was noting mind states and thoughts (the mind stream) in what I take to be desire for deliverance. I was noting a lot of sadness, defeatedness, regret, inadequacy, fear sort of mixed together. I then started to notice images of a lot people I lost touch with over the years, and a lot of my own faults and things like that. I then began to have religious imagery thoughts. I was picturing my own death and then thinking about Jesus greeting me with open arms, giving me a white robe. My hands were stained with blood and he washed them in a bowl of water and wiped dirt and tears from my face and he was saying that everything would be ok from now on and that he was going to take me to his father. It was weird. Because my noting practice was pretty strong at that point and I was noting these images out loud. It felt like I was disconnected from this. It was like I was watching a dream that someone else was having. I was surprised because I'm not very religious, but I guess that's my cultural background (and I have gone through religious phases in my life). I just let the images play out without trying to stop them.

I eventually went back to noting physical sensations and felt a lot of negative ones quickly come up along with very strong nausea. It had a very Re-observation feeling. At this point I laughed because it struck me how clear of a desire for deliverance experience I had just had.

And again, it was strange in that it didn't have a huge emotional or personal feel to it, it was strictly like a day dream and the noting was keeping me disembedded at the same time.

Jason, it seems like a blessing that the mind is free to just do its thing without having to identify with it. What good practice! So many of us (humans) get lost in those experiences. Thanks for the example.

"I eventually went back to noting physical sensations and felt a lot of negative ones quickly come up along with very strong nausea. It had a very Re-observation feeling. At this point I laughed because it struck me how clear of a desire for deliverance experience I had just had.

And again, it was strange in that it didn't have a huge emotional or personal feel to it, it was strictly like a day dream and the noting was keeping me disembedded at the same time."

Great noting job, Jayson!!
It's great when one can notice the insight stages manifesting before your eyes, specially when not during a sitting. Keep up that great noting and let those cycles "do you". You keep progressing at a good speed! keep it up, man!

Wow, Mu!!!
!

Been practicing Jhana as per my discussion with Kenneth last night.
Had been working on breathing meditation this weekend and the mind was fairly concentrated.
Been doing the nose pinch with resolution to stay put and go deep into 1st jhana.

Have not had this intensely pleasurable an experience in meditation since I first began journaling on this site (back when I was still smoking weed and working with kasinas a lot).

I went very deep into first and had been lying down, sleeping (and waking up - broken sleep). Had been going into 2nd and 3rd and 4th after going deep into 1st. Lots of energy movements in the body. I feel very very nice right now. Theres a subtle burning pleasantness all over as write. I am not doing anything in the way of directed focus right now I just feel wonderful.

Very excited to explore this more and also to combine it with noting/vipassana. Shifting the focus to movement/the witness/pulsing as I was lying down seemed to result in a fruition several times, the last one being the most intense (After briefly going up through the arupa Jhanas). There was a very clear pulsing at the 3rd eye in 8th. After letting that go, on the way back down I seemed to have a very clear blink, followed by pleasant sensations/ bliss (the aftermath which I am taking to be the pleasant burning described above).