MuMuWu's Practice Journal

Just sat and noted for about 15 minutes (outloud). Spent 20 minutes or so before hand playing ball outside with dog. Noting/noticing as much as I could in the way of physical sensations, movements, thoughts, etc. while playing.

Started sit by noting mostly vibrations, itches, aches, thoughts, etc.
Began noticing a full body pulse
Switched to eye manipulation. Allowed my eyes to go down and lock in. Stayed like this for a few moments and then allowed them to move up until subtle / fast pulsing was occurring.

Began feeling exhilaration and joy as well as more tingling and warmth. Visual field seemed brighter.
Eventually I noticed some thinking.

Allowed the eyes to go back to normal position began noting again (out loud).

Mostly positive sensations, warmth/tingling/occasional bright itch. Stayed with the itches as they came up until they began to bubble / become more complex patterns (vs. a solid point). Did this until pulsing was noticed again

Returned to the eye position. Noticed that the boundaries of the visual field seemed to drop away (if that makes sense). Less like looking at eyelids, more like an undefined / unknown size (hard to describe). Visual field quite bright. Moved the eyes up again and followed pulsing.

Noticed joy and exhilaration / energy

Returned to noting. Began to feel sleepy.

Ended sitting.

Switch from itching predominant to tingling/vibration predominant happened earlier today than yesterday.

Again, hoping to practice well tonight, but lack of sleep may get in the way of good practice.

----

Tension, aching, pressure, hardness, tingling, burning, aching, tiredness, pain, pressure, looking, hearing, itching, tingling, tingling, searching, burning, seeing, tingling, itching, tingling, tingling, pain, dryness, pulsing, shaking (hand), itching, tingling, tension (jaw), pressure, itching, itching, itching, itching, tingling, energy, pulsing, looking, aching, tension, itching, bubbling, itching.

30 minutes of the wheel

upon sitting I felt some slight tingling then some stronger itches and then began noting some pulsing in my hand. At this point I lowered my eyes and allowed myself to get absorbed in the focus for a short period before moving the eyes up. I observed the pulsing here (I am bringing the eye just slightly above the horizon. The pulsing seems entirely automatic, fairly fast and subtle). Doing this led to rapture on the skin (tingling all over) - is this the proper term?, feelings of warmth and exhilaration (also brightness and very active visual field - lots of tv snow). Eventually I switched back to noting as I felt the concentration lessen (spacing out/thoughts coming up).

Noted out loud again with eyes open
tingling/warmth, joy, contentment, excitement, pulsing

Went back to the eye thing again. Not as many fireworks at this point.

Eventually started to notice more itching / tingling become more subtle.

Began to feel tired. More spacing out. Noting out loud again . did the eye thing again (eyes not wanting to flicker).

Noted out loud until end of session.

Felt like I was going in reverse (went from itching / aching to very positive, energized, exhilaration, brightness, tingling, then back down to itching and aching/tired by the end of the sit).

Not recalling a lot of the detail as I feel quite sleepy now.

Haven't had a chance to sit today. Feeling pretty good, some very rapturous feelings driving home today (burning/sensuous). Very pleasant tingling all over, spiritual thoughts (probably not related to practice - had a conversation along these lines with someone), etc.

Looking forward to sitting. Very good mood, urge to be helpful, very happy.

10 minute sitting

THAT WAS DIFFERENT!

Upon sitting, tingling felt all over right away, not much in the way of unpleasant itches (bright itching points still felt occasionally). Visual field would get very dark and shimmery/grainy as I noted (almost like kasina type effects). It seemed to have a pattern to it as well (gradually growing darker then suddenly being less dark and repeating. Halo like effects around some objects).

Very distinct pulsing felt throughout. Felt it a good bit in my hands. Noted this as primary object a good bit of the sit. Could see the pattern (i.e. the pulses would not be constant, sometimes weaker, sometimes it would skip a pulse). Sometimes it would stop abruptly and come back after a moment or two. This seemed to generate fairly exhilarating feelings (watching it generated the feelings, when it would stop cold, even more so).

Felt very warm, pleasant, rapturous throughout sit.

Noting was very strong for most of the sit. Could see how I would be noting one thing (eg. an itch) then another object would come into awareness (e.g. the feeling of my hands touching) and then the original object would eventually be gone and then something else would come up (e.g. hearing) and then the last object would eventually be gone. So I was much more aware of this process than, say, yesterday. It felt like the mind would rest on one thing, I would note it, and then it would eventually move onto something else.

Mind wandered slightly a few times, but not much. Felt pretty easy to stay present (not become embedded).

Eventually drowsiness set in (it was a late night last night).

Eye flickering thing worked pretty good, but I found it distracting to switch over to it from the noting which was working out pretty well. Doing this seemed to make things more energetic/exciting, but it felt like it was also making me tired.

I've also been keeping a thread of awareness going at all times, noting whenever the chance comes up, doing the eye flickers when I get a chance (waiting in the car, bathroom, etc.) watching my feet when I walk (until other sensations take my attention - itches, thoughts, tingling, etc.), keeping an eye on sensations/thoughts/emotions as I go about my day, making a note of when I notice I am embedded etc. I note out-loud whenever I drive alone, play ball with my dog, go for a walk, etc.

I feel like I am able to keep a bit of momentum going/building as time moves forward.

I think this is really helping.

Cool, Mu!
Keep on notin'

Just had a short sit. Noted out loud throughout.

Felt pretty mellow and calm upon sitting. Started noting and noticed a shift visually (that's what it seemed like). It felt like the boundaries of the body dropped away. I was still noting sensations, but they weren't as distinctly felt as body parts. A tingling was prevalent all over the skin and it was pleasant. As the sit progressed I noted it as burning a few times, and it became less pleasant as the sit progressed. I also noted coolness throughout the sitting.

I noticed a lot of anxiety as the sit progressed and towards the end of it there were a couple of itches as well as aches and unpleasant pressures.

Also noticed various worrying thoughts/judgmental thoughts throughout (but not during the first half of the session which were pretty pleasant).

At the end of the sit I felt (and still feel) very anxious.

----

Also a quick note about yesterday. I attended a wedding. I enjoyed it more than any I had been at. Lots of fun, dancing, very un-self conscious (little to no anxiety). Felt very at ease (which is not typical for me in a social setting like that). Had a real blast.

----

Edit - Anxiety continuing to build 10 minutes or so since sitting.

----

Edit - 1 hour later - lots of aches, tension, burning (eyes, anxious energy on skin), pulsing/spasming in lower back muscles, tension prevalent right above neck at back of head. Aching at crown.


Feeling very achey/on edge. Strange pulsing around body. Not meditating does not bring much relief.

This morning = on edge, anxious (harsh tingling on skin), nausea, gagging, cold.

Tension in the head. Mostly felt near the lower back of the head (above spine).

Owwy

I've also occasionally noticed myself swaying (rocking perhaps would be a better term) back and forth ever so slightly as I am sitting in my office today. It seems to be in tune with the pulsing I am feeling in the body.

Not feeling as anxious now, more so just horrible pressure in my head. Seems to have moved up now (sensation between the eye-brows as well as back of head as per before).

Eyes are tearing up slightly. Squinty face.

Must go downstairs and meet courier.

Just went for a walk using the direct mode technique with my dog after meeting with Kenneth. I listened to a Richard Thomspson album as I walked (thanks Ryguy / telecaster for the recommendation).

The air smelled of wood stoves, and was cool and crisp
I could see every star in the blue black sky
The colours of the houses (especially the patios and doors) were spectacular
There were a few halloween decorations out as well.
It felt like I could see every star in the sky at once as we strolled through a field
As I looked across the harbour (seen here:http://www.flickr.com/photos/tishiba/196448536/) I could see all the cars (seemingly at once). The red lights as they drove up the hill seemed extra crisp and clear

Anyhow, I could clearly see greed starting to rear it's head as I got into the pleasantness of it all
I could see aversion as my dog would stop to smell everything (and refuse to move until he had enough). At first I was able to ground it and get back into the wonderful state I was experiencing.

By the end of the walk there were more and more eruptions of thought (mostly of the greed variety as I thought about the music I was listening to, how good I felt, etc.)

Interesting stuff.

Back to noting. That was a very pleasant change of pace. Feels good to just relax and be one for a while (however short that might be).

Right now there is some tension and aching in my back and shoulders and tingling in my hands. I will try and do some more noting practice this evening.

Still some mildly painful sensations in the body. Overall feeling good. Not noting a lot of anxiety or aversion, went for a walk at lunch, fairly open field of experience (noticing a lot of things going on - sounds/birds/etc.). Feel fairly confident at work today.

Tingling starting to become prevalent in the body as well again (since last night's direct mode exercise). Did a walk at lunch noting physical sensation/feeling tone/mind state (aversion, greed, or dullness).


Working here at my desk
Pulsing becoming very noticeable all over (particularly prevalent in the hands)
Intense tingling all over, especially in face and back of head
Feelings of exhilaration as well.

Just sat. Aware of a pleasant tingling right away followed by pulsing.

Closed the eyes and stayed with the pulsing for some time. Did the eye fluttering felt exhilaration and tingling. Brought the eyes back down noted various things which are there all the time (the boundaries of the visual field, the back of the head, things like that which seemed prevalent at the time). Noted more pulsing, did more eye fluttering.

Eventually things got very subtle. Lots of flickering, movement in the visual field. At times it seemed like all there was was this mental space which I usually associated with the back of the eyes.

Felt very aware the whole time, was not off on any mental tangents, did not feel dull. Could hear background noise fairly steadily for a good while.

Often seemed to be getting in the way (thoughts about what I should do, what this might be, what could happen next). This were seen and ended fairly quickly.

Every now and again tension would arise in the center of the head. At one point it got very strange in that everything was flickering and nothing seemed to be registering.

Little awareness of body as sit progressed.

Quite interesting. Very pleasant, could have sat for a long time.

Sit was about a half hour long.

lots of pulsing today, much rapture, much tingling, much vibrating. Feels nice yet at the same time I feel a bit strung out when it subsides (aching in the head/lack of focus/dullness).

This began after a walking meditation at lunch (following the feet at first then noting itches/thoughts/mindstates/feet/sound/etc.)

On the way home this was still going on. Makes me think of the physioenergetic development. It certainly has an energetic feel. Short but intense bouts of pressure at the third eye / back of the head (witness area??) as well. Vibrations (pulsing) are very fast, at least 10hz if not faster.

Sense of equanimity prevailing (was just tailgated by a car with high-beams on, didn't really get an emotional reaction - which I usually do.) Focus seems wide and inclusive

Yesterday began noting while walking. Eventually began to feel itches and pains. Sometime later this took on a more positive tone with pulses, raptures, tingling and excitement. Went through a more spaced out time where these thing subsided and I felt somewhat strung out with mild aches and pains. Raptures returned eventually but had a more annoying/harsh tone. Felt like what I get with intense anxiety. Eventually began to feel uncomfortable and negative. This became very overwhelming and I felt very tired. Eventually the negativity went away though some of the uncomfortable sensations persisted. Went outside to play ball with my dog. Focus was very wide. Lots of little details like leaves, grass, distant sounds were perceived without having to look for them.

Had been doing outloud noting throughout the day up to this point while going about daily activities as well as a walking meditation earlier.

---

Just did a ten minute sit

Changed up the technique a little bit. Upon sitting I followed the breath for a little while and then began rapid silent noting . First I would note sensations that were predominant, then I would note negative sensations, neutral sensations then positive sensations. I would then spend some time noting the mind state and then I would watch for and note any thoughts.

When I first sat there was coolness, tingling, the sensation of contact with the chair, hearing, the mindstate was mainly neutral & relaxed, not a lot of thinking was noticed other than thoughts about practice which were few and brief

Eventually the tingling became harsher and I was noting anxiety as the mindstate

Pressure and tension in the neck and head mainly but some uncomfortable sensations in the legs also became noticeable. Mindstate at this point was somewhat sad and miserable.

Timer went off.

This was a very lucid sit. I like this a lot. I definitely felt dis-embedded from phenomenon and I was able to break down my experience into component parts. What I had been doing (noting in triplets) seemed to get very automatic eventually and there were a lot of subtle things getting missed.

After this sit there is a negative tone to my experience, I am noticing uncomfortable/mildly painful sensations in my neck, lower back, face (around the eyes), and wrists.

Nice reporting, Jayson. Notice how cyclical and stage-specific all the meditative experiences are. This is not unique to you, of course, it happens this way for everyone. Notice also that when you have a pleasant, deep, or especially clear sitting,the tendency is to attribute this to whatever practice tweak you just implemented. It's an illusion, though; things get more or less clear depending on the territory you are marching through. It doesn't have much to do with micromanaging the technique. Just keep perfecting the tools in your yogi toolbox as you have been doing and you will keep moving forward as you have. You are doing great.

Kenneth

Awesome tip! Thanks so much! I will definitely try to catch the tendency to do this.

Did 10 minutes of kasina and another 10 minute sit

Similar to last one but more intense.

Lots of tingling / joy noted at first, followed by a more relaxed empty period, followed by anxious tingling/anxiety, followed by intense uncomfortable sensations/negative tone (miserable/sad), followed by more uncomfortable sensations/negative tone (less sadness, more of a fed-upness) - more negative sensations at the throat, followed by a more sad twinged wanting it to end.

Things became a harsh negative jumble. eventually background noise became prevalent and the emotional edge dropped away. Much of the negative sensations remained initially. Continued to note. Felt my self nod-off / some kind of dropping out (did not seem very significant) then things became more tingling and the emotional tone became more joyous. Timer went off.

All in all an interesting sit.

Hi Jayson,
I like your journal

How do you remember all that happend during the sit? I mean, in such precise detail.

Thanks yadidb. I like yours too. There was a lot more detail than what I wrote in the last couple, those are more of a synopsis.

I usually write these right after I sit. I also try to sit for the same amount of time and I do shorter sittings than a lot of other people (with a good bit of daily activity/noting leading up to them).

I've been through the same sort of patterns a lot of times so that also helps I guess. I try to watch for obvious shifts and usually remember what changed. So If I'm sitting noting coolness and I'm relaxed and there's not much going on and then I feel anxious, that's pretty easy to remember to write down I suppose. Things like that.

In general I find that moods / the behavior of tingling & vibrations / focus / aches and pains seem to be good indicators of where I'm at on the arc and I try to see how those change as the sitting goes. I'm noting a lot more things but tend to keep an eye on those more specifically. This helps me to put things in context when I'm journaling and helps me remember what was going on a bit better.

Nice.
I also find that it is easy to notice the shifts, the most obvious ones at least (like equanimity which is obvious, or re-observation)

Kenneth and I worked on being aware on the level of thought today. I feel like I had tuned this out over the past few years in some sort of mistaken interpretation of various practices. I had learned to ignore or repress it in some way.

I am watching a movie now and keeping an eye on the thinking process. a lot of random images from the past are coming up, lots of fantasy images, judging thoughts (of the characters in the film, etc.).

This is really really neat. I am very pleased with this. I feel like this brings a whole new dimension to practice/life. I've been really missing out!

Just doing that is resulting in some very positive tingling sensations in the body as well. Wonderful! So happy right now. This is definitely the place I need to working at right now.

After objectifying the 4 foundations as much as possible this morning at work (with thoughts being much clearer to me) I began to feel itches and slight pains in the body.

While sitting at my desk I noticed a pulse in my leg that was fairly rapid. I observed this pulse and as I did so I was filled with bliss and energetic feelings. It was almost overwhelmingly pleasant and almost felt like I had taken a drug. Lots of tingling all over and brightness as well.

This has subsided now, I feel coolness on the skin, pretty mellow, not a lot going on mentally and there are some minor aches and such developing in my arms and back. Feel slightly out of it / defocused. It is pleasant.

---
tingling returning with a more anxious overtone

---
tingling is getting stronger but there's not much anxiousness now, mainly noting joy as a mindstate
images of the sun, evaluating thoughts, smiling face image, image of my dad, etc. thought wise.

I've been noticing something as of late. It wasn't happening when I began the strict noting practice a couple of weeks ago. It wasn't happening when itches and pressure and vibrations became prevalent. It wasn't happening when pulses started showing up followed by intense bliss, energy, and happiness. It wasn't happening when things opened up in a relax chilled way. It wasn't happening when the vibrations began taking on a harsh tone and I got very anxious. It wasn't happening when the anxious tingling began to be very uncomfortable and there was pressure and tension all over and I felt miserable. It wasn't happening when this became too much and I began to see disgusting images and get queasy. It wasn't happening when I felt overwhelmed and exhausted. It wasn't happening when these things all came back all at once. It wasn't happening when I emerged from this into a wide focus accompanied by mild pain which eventually dissipated into a very contended wide open state.

But after all these things became more regularly experienced I have had this happen several times.
I will notice flickering behind the eyes. It doesn't require me to do anything such as roll the eyes back. I will experience a gap in the regular flickering, almost like the dark portion of the flicker (bright-dark-bright-dark) is skipped so there's a longer bright portion. And when that happens there's some sort of a sensation immediately after (possible accompanying the second bright) that feels like I slipped, fell and caught myself, or walked into an unexpected hole. I will feel tingling and bliss afterwards.

It happened like this last night.