Omni's practice log

The past days' sits were more or less the same:
1 hour sits, 10x10 breath count concentration + insight practice (eyes open, whispered labeling)

Every time there are lots of kriya movements, body rocking back and forth during almost the whole sit. Though last tuesday it started with rocking from left to right, then swirling, then back and forth ... quite intense. When I deliberately stop the movements, there is usually an increase of tension all over my body, an urge to close the eyes, tension around the scalp and forehead and intense little kriyas of the spine and head that "break out" anyway. So I usually don't interfere with the movements.

Lots of sudden memory imagery popping up from nowhere, usually from holidays but recently also childhood "pictures". Although I'm still sick and a bit woozy in the head, the meditations are clear, devoid of sleepiness or getting caught in thoughts. Perhaps this is because I now meditate during the day instead of in the evening.

Again very similar meditations the past days.
1 hour sits, 10x10 breath count concentration + insight practice (eyes open, whispered labeling)

Lots of kriyas, especially the rocking back and forward, suddenly my arms raising themselves, fast jerks of the head to the right, eyes going berserk / cross eyed, head tilting to the left in an awkward position for my neck. This must all look very silly for a bystander. Luckily there aren't any.

All the time the attention isn't wandering, but the quality is changing. Today it happened once again that the meditation changed towards a more passive feel, where things just come up and I don't really have to put any effort in to keep noting. This is also often when the body gets a mind of its own.

Today when switching from concentration to insight, there was an instant physical sense of fear again, without any noticable thoughts causing it. Slight nausea came and went during the first half of the sit, then the 'passive/effortless' part began again. The kriyas changed from mellow to hectic and back. And a couple of times there was some sort of hyperfocus on the white noise of silence or on the light of the white door in front of me.

Oh, something I forgot to mention: lately it happens a lot that I tend to speed up the noting automatically, as if there is more stuff that's catching my attention faster and faster. A bit funny when I start to stumble over my words. Sometimes I deliberately slow this down and notice the attention becomes more stable/deep.

And another remarkable thing about the kriyas today: at a given point the back-and-forth-rocking changed to lef-and-right-rocking. The thought occured: "I prefered back-and-forth" and about half a minute later it changed again. I played with this a couple of times with the same result. First I thought I was fooling myself, but it really felt as if the moving body wasn't mine. It was as if I gave someone else the suggestion to change direction and this other person waited a little bit before responding. Weird.

" I do notice there's still a strong undercurrent of subtle interpretation going on while meditating, even though I'm getting less involved in the contents of thoughts."

I noticed I get that same thing thoughts/interpretation that is really subtle and its really difficult to note for me. Is there anything you've done to improve on this? Or anyone else?

"It was as if I gave someone else the suggestion to change direction and this other person waited a little bit before responding. Weird."

This is something I note quite regularly in my own practice, I've started identifying different types of movement, where they start and end, how they move and what they "feel" like as they happen. Your notes are really good mate, keep it up!

"Today when switching from concentration to insight, there was an instant physical sense of fear again, without any noticable thoughts causing it. Slight nausea came and went during the first half of the sit, then the 'passive/effortless' part began again. The kriyas changed from mellow to hectic and back. And a couple of times there was some sort of hyperfocus on the white noise of silence or on the light of the white door in front of me."

Dark Night to Equanimity -> Nice

Thanks guys!

"I noticed I get that same thing thoughts/interpretation that is really subtle and its really difficult to note for me. Is there anything you've done to improve on this? Or anyone else?"

I think something like this will always be going on at some level. I guess it's where the conscious mind meets the subconscious?

"I think something like this will always be going on at some level. I guess it's where the conscious mind meets the subconscious?"

Fair enough. Guess its just something I have to deal with in order to make progress.

(I see I've made some errors in my little title dating system, so I'm adding dashes for clarity)

1 hour sit, 10x10 breath count concentration + insight practice (eyes open, whispered labeling)
Attention wasn't very good. Lots of dreamy thoughts and superficial labeling. I never stopped whispering notes, but it wasn't like I was clearly experiencing everything that got noted, sometimes it just went on in the background, like everything was warm unclear mud or something. It's been a while since this was the case. Very little kriyas today, no rocking at all. Eyes were very defocused and I didn't really notice the visual field all that much. I guess I feel some disappointment now, but also quite calm.

(I already discussed the following a bit on SocialEyes with Mumuwu and PEJN last saturday.)

Saturday's and sunday's sits were different than the ones before. Alertness was higher than usual. The kriyas got quite dramatic. Usually it's a mellow rocking back and forth of the upper body and sudden head jerks (almost always to the right).

But these last days the rocking suddenly changed into intense shaking, not mellow at all, but not unpleasant either. The first time it was joined buy a laughing fit. This went on for about half an hour I guess (I don't watch my clock when I sit). The second day it lasted only for five minutes or so. I tried to stop the shaking at some point, which worked only to start all over again a couple of minutes later. In contrast to the rhythmic rocking it was unpredictable and intense. Remarkably, my body had almost no aches towards the end of the 1 hour sits (usually there's tension and uncomfortable pressure in my legs, ankles, butt).

Which was interesting about the shaking was observing how my thoughts and feelings reacted. There was some disbelief, thinking I was doing this on some level, then detecting this wasn't the case, the laughter and investigating which thoughts caused it ... I treated it all as an unusal concentration object, which was rewarding.

"There was some disbelief, thinking I was doing this on some level, "

Yes, I get these thoughts too. But afterwards I understand; why on earth shold I start to do these things? (And even i f do, something caused me to start.)

Hey Omni
It appears to me, that later on in practice, you can enter states to initiate these kryas which will alter in form and content as you progress. Don't worry about whether or not you're creating them....it appears to me that the system of energy producing this movement is far deeper that the thinking or unconscious mind. It appears to me to be neurological...the intensity will subside as you progress in releasing. I always without fail find, that breathing out with full intention of whole body relax is an exceptional technique for pushing through these situations. You will find more and more subtle energy sheathes, ie resistances in the body and in the brain right down to the subtlest energetic movements of thought, feeling, realizing, remembering, conversing, the tones of others, light, shade, etc....all produce movement until the mind and body together are perfectly still. Hope this helps.
paul

@PEJN Right! I found it very funny to hear that your head always moves to the left.

@Cartago Thanks! I'll try the breathing out intention. Of some kriyas (especially the sudden head movements) I can detect faint thoughts preceding them to which the body seems to react by moving.

1 hour sit, 10x10 breath count concentration + insight practice (whispered labeling)

Alertness is quite high the past days.
Something that I found helpful to stay alert lately is paying attention when the eyes start drifting or go berserk. I mostly meditate with eyes open and when they get a mind of their own, this is usually a sign that awareness is pulled more towards thoughts, which can result in wandering off or superficial noting. When I stop the drifting eyes, I can keep a higher alertness.

This worked well again today, but halfway through the meditation it occured to me that maybe I shouldn't interfere all the time and see what happened when I closed my eyes to put this aspect of the meditation out of play. It wasn't something I thought long about. I just had this short planning thought, felt like closing my eyes and noticed that my awareness didn't drop as it usually does after a few minutes of keeping my eyes closed.

Shortly after this, kriyas started happening again. This time there was very little of the intense shaking. The rocking back and forth was more subtle than usual. Then something new happened: the movements became totally impredictable again, but unlike this weekend, they were very slow and mellow. Upper body, neck and head were swaying here and there, changing directions all the time, sometimes halting for a minute ... It was interesting and I made sure I didn't interfere. There was some short shaking in between, but for the rest, everything remained smooth.

Then it stopped and concentration/awareness was more effortless than I have ever noticed.
My mood before the sit wasn't very good, but now I'm feeling just fine.

1 hour sit, 10x10 breath count concentration + insight practice (whispered labeling)
A rather uneventful sit. Alertness was good but maybe a bit less sharp than the previous days. Some head jerks, but almost no other kriyas.

Things got challenging when my left sitting bone started to hurt more and more and I got it in my head to practice "strong determination sitting" in which you don't move until the sit is over. The pain got quite intense, but the thoughts around it were rather powerless. I focused on the pain, the shifting, the shrinking and growing, the glowing, some talk thought and worrying thought, ambitious thought, imaging thought, the refusal to move, a short episode of surprising joy and then the anticipated relief when the timer went off. That relief was so subtle that it felt a bit like an anti-climax.

1 hour sit, 10x10 breath count concentration + insight practice (whispered labeling)

Another 'easy' sit. The past week or so there's subtle flickering of external light when switching from concentration to insight. The kriyas are still there, but less intense. Just some jerking of the head, some slight rocking back and forth, some shocks through the body, but nothing that just goes on and on like last weekend.
There were brief periods of sadness, being aware of the stomach, agitation, nervousness, worrying thought, external vision almost disappearing, one tiny blackout (blip) ... and a couple of times where a tightness and tingling sensation seemed to build up in the front of the upper body, like something intense was about to happen.

2 hours sit, 10x10 breath count concentration + insight practice (whispered labeling)

Overall mellow feel throughout the meditation, except for some short periods of sadness, laughter, disgust, terror ... each for just some seconds. At the start of the second hour there were some intense kriyas: violently shaking of the upper body for 5 minutes or so. When this stopped, it was followed by a very mellow sensation as if the spine was making ultra subtle snakelike moves which radiated a soothing softness all around. When this was fading I noticed grasping, acceptance, and then it was gone.

For a longer period (10 minutes?) there was a feeling as if everything was experienced from a blob around the body, the part of the room in the blob, the part outside of the blob, the body inside the blob and the very few thoughts. The self-referential thoughts that did come up were in strong contrast with the rest of what was experienced. There was some pride, self-doubt, feelings of inferiority/superiority, and short spontaneous laughter at all this "bipolar nonsense". Awareness kept going back to this expanded feeling of being a big mellow blob. Sometimes I doubted if I was spacing out or just noticing things from a different perspective.

After this, awareness narrowed down again. The spaceyness of being a blob was replaced by a more dense feeling of being a body with a lot of noticed and unnoticed stuff going on in the head. Then there was the return of the tingling/itching/pricking hands. Something I haven't noticed in quite a while. Those hand sensations used to be the first thing I noticed when I sat down some time ago.
Afterwards there's this doubt whether the tingling reappeared after some months, or whether it just went unnoticed all this time.

Forgot to mention this yesterday, but today it was there again: a cold glowing sensation on a big part of my left thigh.

1 hour walk, 10x10 breath count concentration + insight practice (whispered labeling)

I started out seated but just could not concentrate on the breath. I felt inactive, sleepy and too warm. I blame a night of interrupted sleep, a busy day with the kids and the hot bath just before the session.
Finally I got up, finished the concentration while standing up and then switching to kinhin and insight practice. This helped me get alert. It even felt as if I got out of my comfort zone and sameness of the daily sit. There was resistance, restlessness, agitation, coolness, softness, impatience, music thought, planning thought, drifting, anticipation, planning thought, imaging thought (also about how I was moving and what I was doing next in the room) ... There even were two short kriyas (the body shock type) when walking around,

Moving is always an extra challenge when practicing insight, cause my mind seems to wander much quicker when there's more visual input generating associations. This time however it went pretty well. Weather is getting better around here, so I'm looking forward to those mindful lawnmowing sessions. (A part of me is dreading those though. )

Last night I attended a phone-retreat with Shinzen Young as I've been doing almost every month for the past year. However, since last summer my daily sits are based on what Kenneth teaches here at KFD. I've grown fond of the detailed labels and the whole feel of likeminded people staying in touch and communicating about their practice, helping each other to "get there" and keep believing in it.

For me the detailed labels clearly shed more light on stuff that remained unnoticed with the generics, This is especially the case for talk thoughts and emotions ("Focus In" in Shinzen lingo). However, it feels good to look at things from a different angle once a month and compare the different "language" that different teachings use. So here is how it went ... (continued)

(continued)

18:00 - 19:45 seated insight practice (generic labels)
19:45 - 20:30 went out for walking insight practice (detailed labels KFD style)
20:30 - 22:00 seated insight practice (generic labels)

I didn't watch my clock a lot, but I guess the parts of the meditation each lasted about 15 minutes. We were asked to focus on different areas of experiences while not labeling experiences that occured in other areas. A bit comparable to practicing each of the four foundations of mindfulness in turn in stead of noticing whatever takes center stage. This gave the sit a more concentrative quality than I usually experienced the past months.

Although labeled differently, the same things came up: imaging thought, planning thought, music thought, impatience, contentment, agitation, restlessness, rocking back and forth, a lot of tingling and pricking, (especially in the hands until it even got uncomfortable), sudden short kriyas (body shock, head jerks), warmth (too warm), glowing, pricking, some minor itches now and then, nausea, alertness ...

It happened a lot that my body was startled and reacted with a body-shock-kriya when the guiding voice suddenly started talking again, or my wife moved about in the room. What was remarkable is that while my body reacted by moving, there wasn't the startled feeling (tingling, tension in belly or chest) that's usually there in daily life.

When it was time to go out for a walk I was very attentive not to let the mind wander. I managed to do this when I spoke to my wife, put on my shoes and coat, went out, ate an apple and walked around for about half an hour. The walk brought lots of pleasant experiences. I paid attention to the moving of the feet, silence in the neighborhood, pride (because I was able to remain alert), contentment, restfulness, the good taste of the apple, sounds of eating the apple, my feet not hurting (always nice), (continued)

(continued)
... looking around, lights, sounds followed by silence, joy, seeing a lot of cats behind windows staring out, talk thought ("it looks as if they're grounded and are sulking because they want to play outside"), smiling, tingling and glowing from belly to face (humour). All the time I was using detailed labels until I got back home in time for the rest of the seated practice.

The warmth of the room was uncomfortable after the pleasant walk. There were aches from sitting longer than I'm used too, but there was hardly any resistance to all those unpleasant sensations. However at first there was some resistance to switching back to the generic labels. I felt this as tightness in the chest and face, some doubting thought and confusion, until I got used to the noting style and just forgot about the differences.

Now back to KFD style practice for the next weeks.

1 hour sit, 10x10 breath count concentration + insight practice (spoken labeling)

Just as last saturday I couldn't stay with the breath. I had to restart counting all the time. Quite frustrating! When I finally got to insight practice, I got more alert, but much less than I've gotten used to lately. Today I have no busy day or hot baths to blame. The switch between concentration and insight was accompanied once again with subtle flickering/vibration of the brightness of the room. The quality of attention was quite dull, but I kept noting, however superficial it felt and even while drifting away in thoughts I could hear myself speak the labels. At a given point this surprised me, because I usually whisper them. Attention started to follow a frustrating rhythm of getting better for a couple of minutes and then dropping down for more minutes, then getting better again for a short while ... and so on.
There was frustration, restlessness, agitation, impatience, pricking (soar throat acting up again), disappointment, dullness, fantasizing thought, remembering thought, imaging thought (again surprising flashes from trips we made long ago), glowing, warmth, tingling (yes the comeback of the tingling hands), doubting thought, planning thought (about work, chores around the house), slight anger, lots of annoyance, minor fluctuations of the light in the room, doubting thought ... and gratitude when the timer went off. Bleh!

1 hour sit, 10x10 breath count concentration + insight practice (spoken labeling)

Concentration on the breath went okay again, not fabulous, but okay. Decent attention during insight practice, also not the best ever and some wandering now and then, but okay. Again some fleeting experiences of a difficult to describe "softness" in the middle of my upper body from chest thru throat towards head. Soft soothing something there, slowly moving somehow.

A short period of subtle light fluctuations and flickering. 1 distinct moment of the light in the room getting brighter and heightened awareness afterwards. Also a short period of spontaneous curiosity towards each next experience.