Omni's practice log

Sounds very promising.

" Sounds very promising."

I agree with Jayson, promising indeed...

Whoa!

Get in there lad! Looking forward to seeing how this pans out for you.

1 hour sit (with interruptions), nose pinch + insight practice, noting out loud, eyes open

I started with the nose pinch practice. Subtle pleasant sensations came quite quickly, but I didn't feel like cultivating it more.
Some minutes after switching to insight practice I had to get up and go downstairs to comfort our three year old. I managed to remain mindful enough. I noticed lots of compassion, love, pride, humour ...
Half an hour later I was back on the cushion. Attention was good, but a tad less sharp than I prefer. But I try not to get hung up on that so much anymore. Once again I had the urge to close my eyes. Something that happens a lot lately during formal meditation. I have come to find that it isn't necessarily related to sleepiness.

-- 1: 1 hour sit, alternating between each of the four foundations of mindfulness every three minutes, noting out loud, eyes open

Attention was sharp for the biggest part, but towards the end there was some serious spacing out.
Sticking to the sensations of 1 foundation in stead of free floating was challenging and fun. It felt like I was observing things more meticulously. Sensations that would otherwise have been noted in between spoken notes were now noted out loud. The noting was less rhythmic than usual because I had to skip stuff that belonged to other foundations or I had to look for the right words, or I would miss and note something from another foundation.
I noticed many times that things can be interpreted differently. For example: sensations that would be noted in the 1st foundation as 'tickling' or 'tingling' would be noted as 'excitement' in the 3rd foundation.
The less regular (less rhythmic) noting caused me to wander off for a long time towards the end of the sit. When I finally noticed this I switched back to free floating noting and this helped a big deal to remain alert.
There was a lot of curiosity, one short period of intense body shaking (kriya) at the start of the sit when noting only feeling tones. Something that recurred a lot was a light pressure at the top of my head, as if someone touched it with a fingertip.

1 hour sit (with interruptions), nose pinch + insight practice, noting out loud, eyes open

Attention was fine. After a while there was mild languor and dreamlike sensations (darkness, very little thoughts, some inner images and sounds now and then).
During big parts of the sit there were subtle light fluctuations. Faint coloured grainy blobs appeared shortly, almost simultaneously with some itches. A couple of times the visual field of te outer world was vibrating clearly for a couple of minutes. There was one light/dark flash that startled me and made me laugh.
For a while the skin on my head seemed to move and crawl. A bit later I was startled again, for no obvious reason. A lot of pricking in the throat towards the end. This happens a lot and is probably because of noting out loud for an hour on end.

-- 2: 1 hour sit, nose pinch, insight practice

Jhana practice went very well. I felt very calm while experiencing lots of subtle pleasant sensations.

First half of insight practice was spent noting each foundation in turn. The other half I mixed all foundations together again. This was another 'vague' session where things felt more distant than usual.

Recurring regularly was the pressure on the forehead and the top of my head. This lasted for about 5 minutes each time.

There was some frustration, remembering thought, comparing thought and doubt because I was thinking of the intense experiences a couple of days ago.

1 hour sit, insight practice, noting out loud at first + whispered (because I was waking our oldest daughter)

I've been feeling daydreamy and tired all day.

The start of the sit was filled with sleepiness, vagueness, superficial noting. Towards the middle (I think) of the sit, attention became sharper but never crystal clear.

Pressure on forehead and crown reappeared regularly. The pressure on the crown increased each time (I feel it again now that I'm writing this).
Lots of goosebumps, probably because I was dressed too lightly.

Regular itches disappearing and coming back at the same spots in my face.

--1: 1 hour sit, nose pinch + insight practice, noting out loud, eyes open

Jhana practice went okay but not as good as some days ago. Instant pressure on the forehead and the urge to switch to insight practice.

Insight practice felt distant again, shallow ... regularly reappearing itches and pressure on forehead (subtle), lots of pricking of the throat, hearing, seeing, crazy eyes, talking thought, imaging thought, fantasizing thought, planning thought, spacing out (I stopped noting out loud now and then)

The spacing out and the shallowness bugged me. I stood up in front of a mirror and tried to stay alert by noting each blink of the eyelids. This helped, but the pull towards dreaminess was very strong.

--2: 1 hour sit, nose pinch + insight practice, noting out loud, eyes open

Attention was sharper this time. Instant pressure on the forehead again, and this time also behind each earlobe on my neck. There was some wandering of the mind now and then, but always very short although I seemed to close my eyes without noticing it almost each time.

Towards the end there was a very noticable shift. Thoughts were spotted more easily and sticking to the now was effortless. It was as if the background and foreground were switched. Where I had been dragging myself out of the sticky mud of thoughttrains all the time by putting effort in noticing sensations in the environment and body, there now was this flow of sensations in which thoughts played just a little part. They popped up and disappeared in just a few moments. No more stickiness and being hijacked by thoughts. It felt as if I was suddenly 'doing' the med itation differently, but I couldn't put my finger on what the difference was exactly. Maybe it was more like being on the lookout for thoughts in stead of being on the lookout for sensations-other-than-thoughts?

50 minutes sit, nose pinch + insight practice, noting out loud, eyes open

Jhana practice went well. I just had to remind me to have some patience, go through every step and then keep returning to the sensations at the nose. The restfulness and joy followed by themselves.

Insight practice was filled with dreaminess again, eyes closing themselves all the time, hypnagogic imagery, doubting thought ("Should I surrender or should I try to be more alert?")

Attention got sharper and duller in a cyclic fashion. After a while I could clearly see where I started to drift off into the darkness: eyes closing themselves, attention getting diffuse, hypnagogic imagery (and sounds) appearing.

1 hour sit, insight practice, noting out loud, eyes open

First half was vague and dreamy once again. But this time it occured to me that this wasn't the same as being sleepy or being lost in thoughts. That feels different. Although the eyes also feel the need to close themselves, there are very few thoughts and even the imagery only appears now and then and not continously as is often the case with hypnagogics.

Towards the middle of the sit (I think) things suddenly got sharper again, I was able to keep my eyes open and distinguish the sensations of the outside world, thoughts and feelings.

There was itching, crazy eyes, slow kriyas, silly reappearing imaging thoughts that made me laugh, but also horrifiying imaging thoughts (monsters, a zombiechild ...) feelings of disappointment and inferiority ...

Meditation finally familiar again (for better or worse?).

-- 1: 15 minute sit, pingpong noting with my wife

This is a miracle, my wife actually wanted to practice some pingpong noting with me. She usually has a strong aversion to meditating herself, although she's convinced of the benefits of me meditating.

This was a lot of fun. The fifteen minutes went by in an instant.

-- 2: 1 hour sit, insight practice, noting out loud, eyes open

Attention was good. A strong cyclical progression of sharp attention of the outside world followed by automatically closing the eyes, sensations noht really reaching my consciousness, some sparse imaging thoughts, talking thoughts, hypnagogic images and sounds. The vagueness was less intense and/or it bothered me less. Probably because I had less aversion to it and was more okay with the sensations just as they presented themselves.

There were some moments where the meditation felt like shifting towards being effortless again, full of amazement and strong interest in everything, but it never happened.

I felt glad to know about the maps but the need to know where I was all the time wasn't strong anymore.

-- 1: 30 minutes of walking and a little waiting for the train, insight practice, noting mentally

During this walk I had a strong sense that everything was the same: sensations of the outside world and the inside world were just sensations happening on their own, all I had to do was enjoy the show and see everything come and go all the time. None of it was 'mine'.
The mental labels and sensations themselves were pleasantly 'loud and clear'. I walked and sat there probably grinning like an idiot.

-- 2: 1 hour sit, nose pinch + insight practice, noting out loud

Jhana practice was okay, but I still don't feel as bitten by it as I feel bitten by insight practice.

Insight practice was cycling between sharpness and dulness once again, between busy outside world and almost non-existing inside world. Instant subtle pressure on forehead once again. It vanished quite soon.

I noticed (once again) that it must be possible to see more details or more clearly than I have up to now. This is a feeling I often get.

The sit ended with clear pressure on the crown.

Omni's practice log (2011-04-15 part 1)

-- 1: 30 minutes of walking and some waiting for the train, insight practice, noting mentally

A nice walk, but less flowing, pleasant and clear as the one yesterday.

-- 2: 30 minutes sit, insight practice, noting out loud, eyes open

Attention started out fine but got duller and duller all the time. It was a busy day today and I was feeling sleepy. There were some light and short kriyas. The head and upper body circled a bit (like shaking 'no' but then with your entire body).

I noticed: crazy eyes, warmth, pusling (throat and head), imaging thought, laughing, irritation and lots of music thought.

approx. 90 minutes of cleaning around the house, insight practice, noting out loud

Attention was fine while I was tidying, vacuuming, mopping, taking out trash, cleaning the toilets.

Noticed a lot of tension, pressure, warmth, coolness, worrying thought, irritation, disgust, contentment, imaging thought, smiling, hearing, seeing, moisture, itching planning thought, unrest

1 hour sit, insight practice, noting out loud, eyes open

It was a tiring day, so it came as no surprise that the sitting meditation was soon full of sleepiness. It wasn't extreme, but enough to go off into Lala land more than I'm used to. After 20 minutes I got up and did walking meditation. Attention was instantly better. I regularly noticed that seeing things in the room sparked associations, talk thought, imaging thought, curiosity, remembering thought, frustration, planning thought ... and I felt contentment that these things didn't result in powerful trains of thought that took me away from the present experiences longer than a second or two.

I sat down again and felt contentment, restfulness, gratitude. I paid close attention to what arose while I let my eyes glance through the room. For a short period it looked like the intense kriya's from a while ago would make a comeback. The body shook lightly for a couple of times, but it didn't get increasingly intense as it did in the past. After 10 minutes or so I noticed crazy eyes, sleepiness, pressure (associated with sleepiness) ... and decided it was time to get back to walking. Again this helped to fight of sleepiness.

When I sat down again I heard our baby daughter cough in the room close down the hall. This sparked imaging thought, worrying thought, scenario thought ... A bit later I remembered a really sad dream I had a few days ago and the sadness came back quite strongly as talk thought, tension and tingling in the throat, frowning ... There also were some mild episodes of frustration, impatience, remembering thought, irritation ...

1 hour sit, samatha + insight practice, noting out loud, eyes open

I sat down and just tried to be aware as much as possible without starting to label right away. There was an automatic mental label now and then. I guess I did this for 5 minutes. Then I closed my eyes, felt the body and focused on the breath in the nostrils. This felt good. As usual with this kind of practice, there were some subtle pleasant tingly sensations in the throat.

After 5 minutes or so I switched to noting out loud. At first it looked like the meditation was heading towards dullness again, but it didn't. At some point I was startled for no obvious reason, my arms flew half a meter in the air and for the rest of the meditation everything remained sharp and clear. It felt as if I was more present with each noted sensation than usual. I felt a lot of contentment and restfulness, but also some annoyance and even anger when it slipped back towards dullness for a minute. This made me laugh more than once. This seems to confirm what I've been feeling for a while: that it must be possible to experience things more clearly than I have in the past. Today I actually experienced the increased vigilance I had suspected to be possible. Now the trick will probably be not to grasp too much nor freak out when that clarity isn't there all the time. Or at least note those reactions in stead of layering them on top of each other.

**Update: Come to think of it, I wonder why I think of this 'increased vigilance' differently than the spontaneous effortless episodes I experienced recently. Hm?

1 hour sit, nose pinch + insight practice, noting out loud, eyes closed

Jhana practice went well. Lots of restfulness and contentment.

Insight practice went well too. Again the eyes felt a strong urge to close themselves, so I let them. To my surprise no dullness followed at all.
As I discussed with Kenneth yesterday: closing the eyes during meditation in the past was a guaranteed ticket to sleep and dreams.

There was a clear pattern:
1. pressure (usually forehead or crown, clearer than ever)
2. gnawing aches (back, knees)
3. bright itching (face, upper back)
4. a single head jerk
5. light increasing behind closed eyelids
6. positive mental states, pleasant body sensations
7. a new kind of involuntary movements which I have named "hen kriyas"
repeat ...

The "hen kriyas" are different from the back and forth rocking I used to experience a while ago. The new ones look and feel like the upper body and head are subtly shaking "no". Or like a hen finding a good posture on the egg she's brooding. The first times this image appeared, it made me laugh out loud, resulting in more positive mental states and pleasant body sensations.
In between the parts of the pattern there was a lot of mapping thought, although the mind was increasingly quiet towards the second half and end of the sit.

The first half of the sit our oldest daughter came out of bed and her room at least 4 times. I tried to remain mindful and friendly while guiding her bed to bed and was positively surprised by how relaxed I remained. The fourth time however, back on the cushion there was a sudden pang of clear anger and corresponding talk thought that lasted for nearly a minute and repeated itself a couple of times. I was very much pleased with how fast it decreased and vanished though.

On and off during the day, especially during the half hour walk to the train station this afternoon:
feeling very open, remembering to practice whenever my attention wasn't needed elsewhere. A lot of subtle feelings of surprise at the silliest things, like being in the shadow all of a sudden during my walk, or hearing a certain car engine sound, seeing a stranger when turning a corner, hearing birds, feeling the wind, feeling my legs move ... Very pleasant, attentive, open and fulfilling.

1 hour sit, insight practice, noting out loud, eyes sometimes closed, sometimes open

Not feeling 100% because of allergies, maybe a light sunstroke and being too tired (haven't slept enough last night, thanks to the kids). Considering all this, meditation went fairly well. Alternating between sleepiness and alertness, eyes closing and opening themselves, pricking eyes, many times goosebumps appearer all over for no obvious reason, ... then a short period disgust (about sudden imaging thought), followed by negativity, inferiority, frustration, jealousy, anger, impatience, worrying thought ... then a neutral period of remembering, thought, planning thought.