Omni's practice log

I sat for 30 minutes noting mentally, eyes open.

Had a bit of a conflict before my planned meditation hour which almost lead to not doing any formal practice at all today. Eventually I managed to go sit for half an hour after all. I noted a lot of frustration, some anger, confusion, tight sensations in chest, throat and face and lots of chaotic circling self-talk. This went on for about 15 minutes, changing but not really diminishing.

Finally I decided it was wiser to take a couple of minutes to chronologically formulate in my head what had happened just before the meditation and what I wanted to do with it. This brought rest. The tightness in chest, throat and face started to diminish, the frustrating circling thought went away and I could note different things as well: "relief, relaxation, warmth, remembering thought, tension, pressure, seeing, hearing, dharma thought, ..."

I sat for an hour, eyes open, noting out loud.

I noted the usual pressures, itches, warmth, coolness, tension, tingling, aching, planning thought, remembering thought, hearing, seeing, ... but also things that are quite new during meditation: "fear, insecurity, joy, melancholy, shame, impatience, doubt, irritation, jealousy, attraction, aversion, disappointment ... ". Usually these were effects of imaging thought, remembering thought, planning, fantasizing ... The sensations were quite clear (in mind in body) but not too intense and although they repeated themselves a lot, they were all quite shortlived, so it was fairly easy to remain equanimous.

Near the end of the meditation there were some involuntary eyelid movevements and related visual flickr. My attention focussed automatically on these sensations, the noting out loud stopped, although the noticing continued just fine.

"I noted... things that are quite new during meditation: 'fear, insecurity, joy, melancholy, shame, impatience, doubt, irritation, jealousy, attraction, aversion, disappointment ... '" -omnipleasant

Fantastic! This is a big step, Omni. As long as meditation is seen as a way to reduce stress, to get calm, or to have a pleasant experience, it is just another way to drop out of your life. When a yogi finds out that meditation is really about the whole rich package, including both the joys and disappointments, the calm and the anxiety, the god realms and the hell realms, a whole new world opens up.

Now it's possible to make progress along an axis that was previously hidden. You no longer have to turn away every time something ugly crosses the screen of the mind. This is the death of what I call the "20 minute yogi," who gets up from sitting every time the going gets tough. This is the birth of the true yogi, who is learning to be free in heaven and in hell.

Keep up the excellent work!

Kenneth

Thanks Kenneth!

I sat for an hour, eyes open, noting out loud.
For about a quarter I practiced standing up, because of sleepiness.

I noted similar things as yesterday, but these returned the most: "self-criticism, longing, doubting, disappointment, frustration, impatience, self-control ..." The self-control was mostly about wanting to look at the timer, wanting to scratch the itches that were quite intense, wanting to walk around ... Paradoxically there was quite some equanimity interwoven with all this.

Oh, forgot to mention: there were some minutes where my eyes were again moving as if they had a mind of their own, like REM but while awake.

I sat for an hour, eyes open, whispering notes.
Once again as soon as I noticed persisting sleepiness I stood up and practiced like that.

Noted a lot of itches, warmth, rising warmth, sleepiness, ache, tension, apprehension, fear, irritation, frustration, doubt, insecurity, shame, regret, planning, fantasizing, joy, smiling ...

Unlike what I expected this noting-style results in quite different meditations than when I used Shinzen Young's more generic labels. I'm much more aware of what kind of FEEL is going on, because of the explicit naming (subdividing) of the FEEL flavor (to use SY speak). A while ago I believed that it made no difference which labels I used, as long as I was clear about what I was noticing. But this noting-style seems to facilitate the clarity of what I'm noticing, making me more aware of details.

There still is some doubt: Is this better because it leads to more insight? Or is it worse because it's more focused on content? Actually I don't think it's the latter, because I'm not dwelling in the content. Always keep don't know miiiiiind!

Hi Omni,

I am of the opinion from my own experience that because you are looking at the details of the phenomena of what you are noting, your concentration is heightened. You are making the mind sharper and more inclined to notice more. This will increase concentration at the same time and the more concentrated the yogi, the faster the progress. If you note more broadly with FEEL, then you let the mind be more broad and less focused. Make it pay attention to subtler details and it grows subtler and more powerful. You are disemebdding from that "content" not embedding in it. Because you are being more accurate with exactly what is being noted, you are disembedding from more layers of that phenomena. If you just note FEEL, you may be half disembedded and half embedded. Not fully objectifying the whol deal. You might note FEEL while there is a negative sensation going on, it is easy to note but still feel aversion to it. If you note it in more detail you are giving the mind a chance to truly disembed from that very quality of negativity. Anyway, this was my own experience. Hope it makes sense.

Hey Nikolai,

That makes a lot of sense. Especially now that I'm starting to experience it.
Good to hear about the "layered disembedding effect" from someone who walked the path(s) before me. It gives me faith that I'm on the right track.

Hi Omni,

Detailed noting is better than skeletal noting. That's because detailed noting "uses up" the available processing power of your mind. If you are noting in a way that requires all of your attention, your mind will not wander and you will not suffer. It's that simple. If, on the other hand, you use a noting technique that only requires 30% of the processing power of your mind, what are you going to do with the other 70%? You're going to suffer! Try it and see!

Here is a systematic way to use your own mind to best advantage in waking up:

1) Note body sensations, e.g., pressure, coolness, warmth, tightness, stretching.

2) Note "pairs" (body sensations + feeling tone), e.g., "pressure-neutral, coolness-pleasant, itching-unpleasant."

3) Note "triplets" (body sensations + feeling tone + mind-state), e.g., "pressure-neutral-investigation; coolness-pleasant-contentment; itching-unpleasant-aversion."

If doubt arises, note "doubt." If speculation arises, note "speculation." If comparing arises, note "comparing." Everything goes in the hopper. There is no such thing as a hindrance. Whatever arises, including distraction, agitation, anger, doubt, etc. can be noted. Co-opt your enemies. You will find that that scariest monsters in your mind can be allies in your own awakening as soon as you note them.

You do not have to be concentrated to note. Note "agitation, dullness, unhappiness, dissatisfaction, doubt, anger, distrust, frustration, exasperation, confusion, fear, self-loathing, judging."

You don't have to figure this out in advance. Every moment that you spend making love to ideas is a moment you could have been noting. Imagine a surfer who thinks he has to understand wave theory before he gets in the water. Just get in there and surf!

Hi Kenneth,

I'm going to print out that reply and hang it on a wall.
Many thanks!

Sat for 50 minutes, eyes open, whispering labels.
I practiced the above advice of Kenneth, mainly noting pairs of body sensations + feeling tone: (p)leasant / (u)npleasant / (n)eutral. Of course there were lots of thoughts as well which I "assigned" a feeling tone as well.

It went like this: "softness-p, warmth-p, tension-u, pressure-n, itch-u, doubt-u, insecurity-u, hearing-n, seeing-n, worrying-u, joy-p, irritation-u..."

The longer I did this, the less thinking and feeling tone I noted and the more I repeated the same labels as if the mind was focussing more narrowly by itself. So it gradually changed to something like: "warmth-p, warmth-p, warmth, tingling, itch-u, itch, itch-u, itch, itch, itch".

There were some moments again where the eyes did their R.E.M.-like thing.

"Hi Kenneth,

I'm going to print out that reply and hang it on a wall.
Many thanks! "

Seriously, Kenneth, that should be an article on the left side menu of the site. It's very useful.

"Seriously, Kenneth, that should be an article on the left side menu of the site. It's very useful. -jigmesengye"

Done!

I just posted it as a page, thanks to your suggestion and Omni's encouragement. It's called "Detailed Noting is Better."

I sat for 30 minutes, eyes closed, whispering labels.

The meditation was quite similar to yesterday's (20100824), except this time some thoughts caused me to laugh out loud for a couple of minutes.
This was quite challenging to disembed from, but I guess I managed: "energy, tingling-p, tension-p, moving-p, hearing-p, warmth-p, laughing-p ..."

There was some resistance when my attention spontaneously shifted to the sensations of an intense itch. A part of me wanted to hang on to the sensations of laughing, and to the thoughts that caused it, but I interfered as little as possible and let the itch take over.

Also new: there were some hypnagogic images that were clearer than usual. There was a strong emphasis on colors, mainly a lot of blue. Maybe I hadn't noticed this before because I've been practicing with open eyes for quite a while now.

I practiced for about 90 minutes, partly seated, partly walking around the house, whispering labels and sometimes even noting out loud, eyes open (especially walking around the house ).

I was home alone with the baby. Practice started out much like the past two days: noting mainly body sensations & pairs of body sensations + feeling tone: "warmth-p, softness-p, coolness-p, itch-u, itch-u, itch-u, worrying, self-criticizing ..."

Then our 2 month old daughter started to cry in the other room. Suddenly there was a lot of : "frustration, annoyance, hope ..." I repeatedly got up to see what I could do to calm her down, but nothing really seemed to help. I kept noting all along and saw that there was LOTS of annoyance, even some anger. And I'm certainly not proud to say: almost no empathy. There were some brief moments of compassion. But all the (very silent) subtle thoughts of how things *should be* ("she has no reason to cry now, she's fed, her diaper is clean, why just now when I finally have some time for myself?") resulted in out of proportion thoughts and feelings of annoyance.

While one of my main motivations to practice is to be a more content person who is good to the people around him ... I see there's a lot of automatic egocentricity. It's obvious the baby didn't feel good (cramps?) and didn't cry on purpose to annoy me. I know that the right thing to do is simply get up and comfort her, which I did. But all this rationality was confronted with a lot of irrational resistance.
It seems like I still have a long way to go.

Wonderful stuff omni!

It's crazy just how crotchety this old guy here really is...

"
Detailed noting is better than skeletal noting. That's because detailed noting "uses up" the available processing power of your mind. If you are noting in a way that requires all of your attention, your mind will not wander and you will not suffer. It's that simple. If, on the other hand, you use a noting technique that only requires 30% of the processing power of your mind, what are you going to do with the other 70%? You're going to suffer! Try it and see!

"

So we're distracting ourselves from suffering by focusing on noting what is here and now!
Useful paradox

"So we're distracting ourselves from suffering by focusing on noting what is here and now!
Useful paradox
"

There is no suffering right here and right now. Look!

"There is no suffering right here and right now. Look!"

Absolutely right!

"I kept noting all along and saw that there was LOTS of annoyance, even some anger. And I'm certainly not proud to say: almost no empathy. There were some brief moments of compassion. But all the (very silent) subtle thoughts of how things *should be* ("she has no reason to cry now, she's fed, her diaper is clean, why just now when I finally have some time for myself?") resulted in out of proportion thoughts and feelings of annoyance." -omnipleasant

Wonderful! It's only when we abandon the posture of the "good Buddhist" that we find out what the devil is going on here.

Freedom comes from turning toward the feelings that arise, whether noble or loathsome. The habitual tendency to pretend to be "good" becomes an impediment because we take it up like a cloak and try to live in it. Having embraced the role of "good person," we reject any evidence to the contrary. We turn our faces away from the mule we're riding and long for the chimera. But the chimera is a mythical being. The only life you have is the one under your nose. When you turn toward it instead of away, you see that all of these sensations, thoughts, and mind-states are changing moment by moment. You cannot put stock in any of it. It's like the wind blowing across your face; sometimes it is cool and refreshing, sometimes it blows grit in your eyes. It isn't you. And even the sensations that come together to create "you" are just more thoughts and sensations. The sense of self has no more or less status than an itch. It's just stuff, coming and going. This is where freedom lies. You can, paradoxically, be much more intimate with your life because you are no longer turning away from the things you deem unacceptable. Freedom lies in acceptance of the whole package, not in rejecting half of it and longing for a sanitized version of who you are now.

This is excellent practice, Omni!

Um, wow. Please read the above comment two or three more times. Important stuff...

"Freedom comes from turning toward the feelings that arise, whether noble or loathsome. The habitual tendency to pretend to be 'good' becomes an impediment because we take it up like a cloak and try to live in it." ~Kenneth

"The habitual tendency to pretend to be "good" becomes an impediment because we take it up like a cloak and try to live in it. Having embraced the role of "good person," we reject any evidence to the contrary." - Kenneth
--
Yep, that's one to watch out for.


"The sense of self has no more or less status than an itch. It's just stuff, coming and going. This is where freedom lies. " - Kenneth
--
Right, the annoyance lasted for "only" 20 minutes or so, and when I looked closely it wasn't uninterupted by other mind-states or body sensations. It was good to see how quickly it vanished once the circumstances changed and "normal" sensations took over again. But when it lasted, it was so dominant that I wonder: when I'm noting "annoyance, annoyance, annoyance ... (x100)" am I not suffering right there and then?

"This is excellent practice, Omni!"
--
Thanks!

I practiced for an hour, eyes open, whispering labels.
I started seated, but when sleepiness wanted to take over, I continued standing up.

I mainly noted pairs of body sensations and feeling tone: "softness-p, warmth-u, itch-u, tension-u, coolness-p, ..."
What was new were repeated gushes of heat quickly rising from abdomen to face.
The dominant mind-states were "restlessness, impatience, questioning, interest", also a little bit of "surprised" & "laughter".
Towards the end my eyes went berserk for a couple of minutes. I guess this has something to do with fighting sleepiness.

can you explain "eyes went berserk for a couple of minutes" in detail?

"can you explain "eyes went berserk for a couple of minutes" in detail?"

Well, I was practicing with my eyes open but not really looking at something, when suddenly my eyes started to move all on their own in a very random way, quite fast. Something like: "left, right, up, diagonal, right, down, left, right ..." I noticed this for as long as it kept going (not more than 2 minutes I guess). This has happened a couple of times before now (all recorded at this log). I guess it's a bit like R.E.M. but while awake. No clue what it's about though.