Andy's practice journal

"I'm practicing as if it happened, but am reserving judgement. I've thought I've completed cycles before, only to be proven wrong in a short amount of time.

I will make that resolution and will work on getting clear about each nyana. That's something that's been pretty hard for me to make out, except for big landmarks.

Oh, Post #354 is near stream entry for you. I'll look for the 2nd path stuff further along in your journal.



"

No - it was second path. Keep reading

"No - it was second path. Keep reading "

I spoke way too soon. I saw where Kenneth congratulated you on stream entry and stopped.

Missed all the really good stuff following that!

Wed, 10/26

Morning:
The cat lay on the bed next to me while I was trying to concentrate and proceeded to snore. So, I switched to noting and tried to see what feelings and mindstates came up. Noted a lot of annoyance, frustration, me-related thinking, but even so, I felt a few shifts, and may have eventually gotten deep, but I needed to get to work.

On the road, I was able to note very, very quickly from the start. I get the feeling that when there is a lot going on in the senses, I could note much, much faster still if I worked at it. Got a bit of body bliss going, and really enjoyed the feel of the car on the road today, the light fogginess which softened the look of the landscape around me, the sight of the cars on the freeway miles ahead, interesting cars and trucks. I started getting more thoughts as I got closer to work, but even those had an interesting texture to them. Even after an hour and a half, I'm still feeling a bit of that bliss.

Wed, 10/26 cont...

Lunch:
I basically split this in two. During the first half, I set my intention to experience jhanas in as much detail as I could, and to also experience the movement between jhanas in detail as well. I then worked on concentrating on my breath, then moved through the jhanas, spending time in each to let the state deepen. I would then incline to the next, pay attention to the transition, and then repeat. I seem to be able to get into jhana a bit faster, and the transitions are much more noticeable than before.

During the second half, I did fruition practice (in the hopes that what happened in post 336 was second path. Initial results are that while the general flow is pretty much the same (energetic sensations, lights, tingling '¦. eventually dreaminess, loss of focus, noting, then a sudden transition) body sensations are either more evident, or there are more of them to notice. There also seems to be a higher level of detail in the sensations themselves. In Equanimity, there's a lot flowing past, more than I can note/notice right now. I did have a number of sudden transitions back down, and there was a somewhat different feel to them. The transition itself seemed to take a bit longer, and the sudden appearance in A&P provoked a lot of cool tingles, and the bliss was more subtle. I was able to repeat this cycle number of time.

Drive Home:
The drive home was another of the same interesting, fascinating, enjoyable experiences I've been having. I spent a litte time noting the four foundations, then just noticing, and pretty soon, I started feeling a lot of enjoyment in driving. I found myself looking way out ahead of me and noticing little details about the highway, the traffic patterns, the colors in the sky and trees. There was this sense of fascination, of newness everywhere I looked.

Thursday, 10/27

Yet another fascinating, delightful drive in. My attention seemed to be turned outward, and when I focused on that, a lot of joy would arise, a little bit of bliss, feeling of being present.

At lunch, I worked on getting more clarity into the rising up through the nyanas to Equanimity and then juming back down to A&P. The first few times, the transition back down was sooner than expected, and I didn't have to do anything to get it. After that, I tried to get as close to the moment of the transition as possible, and then seeing how I could get it to happen. Several times, either I got very lucky, or was able to trigger it. Afterward, a cool rush of tingles, bliss, clarity. I did this over and over for the duration of the sit.

On the drive home, the twilight sky was fantastic, almost surreal. Bright oranges, pastel blues, deep, deep contrasts to the darkening landscape and backlit trees. The clouds stretched in vast layers from one edge of my vision to the other, very 3-dimensional, with the curvature of the earth starting to show in the distance. Peace, joy, delight, gratitude.

Congratulations Andy, great job!

Mudita

Friday, 10/28

I seem to be much more interested in what's going on around me - sights, sounds, the feel of my body as I walk. Driving is a delightful, fascinating experience with so much going on in my senses at once.

Had bliss come up for me at various times during the day. It seems to come up more if I can sustain the focus of my attention on something. At a meeting, I was concentrating on the presenter, when I felt a sudden shift in the width of my eye focus, and bliss and a body rush came up for me. At another time, the bliss was so strong that it was a bit disconcerting and diverted focus from the speaker at the meeting.

The drive home was fairly trippy. I spend a few minutes noting thoughts, then just noticing, and then I got a bit of buzzing in my body, and sensations become stronger than thoughts. Everything gots very detailed, like I put on a new pair of glasses. Colors got bolder, like turning up the saturation. Movement through the landscape was very 3-D. I actually added 40 minutes to my drive home so that I could continue enjoying this.

Weekend, 10/29-10/30

On Friday night, a fruition woke me up about an hour after I went to bed. For the next hour and an half, I kept getting fruitions and bliss waves. I lost count of how many I had. I'd fall asleep a bit, then bliss would wake me up. Sometimes, I'd get a fruition, then the bliss wave would immediately trigger another one. The bliss felt pretty overwhelming and eventually got almost nauseating. I finally got up and walked around, then killed some time on the Internet to get it to stop. I ended up sleeping in quite late, was pretty tired all day Saturday.

Over the weekend, formal vipassana meditation seemed to end up out of my control. I'd start noting, tune into the already-present bliss and buzzing, and within a few minutes, I'd have a sudden fruition. This would repeat a number of times, until the time between fruitions would increase and I would get sleepy and start losing clarity in the in-between times.

Monday, 10/31

Today felt like it was the first day that things slowed down and some of the freshness and wow-factor have been reduced noticeably. I still had a sense of presence during my morning drive, and enjoy the driving and the lights and traffic, but it was much more subdued, and I noticed more thinking going on.

I had intended to practice jhana at lunch, but as soon as I started, I got sleepy very quickly, so I switched to noting. Unfortunately, I got sleepier and sleepier. One time I woke after a very mild fruition, but mostly I napped.

During the afternoon, I had lots of doubt, lethargy, little motivation. It felt almost like depression in a way. On the drive home, I passed a combine harvesting grain, and I had this bloody fantasy involving my hands getting caught in the combine and how was I supposed to dial my phone for help with no hands? I laughed when it finally dawned on me that I was cycling through Dark Night.

In the evening, I stayed at home to pass out candy, and since the Halloween traffic was very light, I sat and noted between visitors. I've been working on better noticing the passing of sensations, and this seemed to get me very concentrated, and into Equanimity. I also did a little direct mode practice and played with ship in the harbor for the first time.

The evening passed this way, and by the time I went to bed, I was definitely very present and aware. As soon as I closed my eyes to go to sleep, I felt myself to be quite energized, and not very sleepy. I noted to get the cycling started, and went through a few fruitions before the energy level subsided enough for me to get sleepy.

Tuesday, 11/1

Was able to get a fair amount of mindfulness going as I was going through my morning routine, and this carried over into the sit before my drive, and onto the drive in. I'm started to have to work a more to stay mindful, but the difference between being lost in thought and being present is still pretty noticeable on it's own.

Fell asleep at lunch meditation again, and it took a long time for the out-of-it feeling to subside.

Have definitely been noticing the reduction of the physical effects of the fruitions from last week. The vast majority of the instant, on-demand tingling, buzzing, floaty feelings have cooled off. However, I seem to still have an increase in concentration, and have been able to be mindful way more during the day than before.

More interestingly, I seem to notice a change in some of the automatic reactions I have to certain people and situations. The habitual thoughts still still seem to come up, but it's easier to notice them when they do come up. More and more often, they don't seem to exert so much of a pull as they used to. I got rear-ended (pretty minor, bumper cover cracked and scratched up) on the way home from work, and while annoying, it didn't create a lot of fear, anger, irritation. It's just a car, after all. I felt bad for the kid (who, it turned out, is the son of a neighbor). He was having a big reaction, really embedded in the moment.

Wednesday, 11/2

Came half-awake before the alarm in 6th jhana, but couldn't really sustain it, and kept falling back asleep. I did notice that I felt more of the Witness during the morning, during my drive in, and during walking meditation at lunch.

In the afternoon, I had lots of doubt again about whether I've actually hit second path in #336. I think I'm equating the intensity of review with insight, and when the intensity, strength of concentration, and instant bliss fades (as it must), I start to notice doubt come up. Still, when I wasn't directly involved in working, I was able to stay mindful and aware, and worked on feeling the Witness.

I did a jhana session in the evening, and practiced going up and down the jhanic arc through the rupa and arupa jhanas. My intention was to clearly observe each state and the differences between states. I got very, very concentrated, with almost no drifting into thought in the session. Got lots of body sensations, buzzing, tingling, floating, lots of focus changes and eye sensations.

Switched to working my way through the nyanas with the intent of getting as much clarity as I could into each nyana. Had a hard time feeling Mind and Body, Cause and Effect, and Three Characteristics, but A&P was noticeable as a rush of bliss and excitement. Dissolution was a calming down, cooler tingles, and almost cold sensations on my skin. In Fear, the cold sensations turned icy cold, deep and strong. Misery, Disgust, Desire for Deliverance weren't clear: a mishmash of various things, including a stronger heartbeat and deep heavy vibrations in my chest, and sensations in my gut. In Reobservation, various sensations from the previous nyanas came up one after another in random order. Equanimity started with a calming down of my heartbeat and a lessening of the heavy vibrations. The chime went off soon, so I didn't get make it any further.

Seems like this is getting clearer for me.

Thursday, 11/3

Morning:
Sat for 20 minutes before driving. Worked on getting into and staying in sixth jhana. Was able to stay concentrated for the drive in. Visual objects were detailed and interesting, although the big 'double rainbow' wow factor seems to be almost completely gone.

Lunch:
Started with concentration practice. Initially watched the breath for a few minutes until I was able to get concentrated, then worked on moving up and down through the jhanas. After 20 minutes or so of this, I had a sudden transition where eye focus and the felt sense of space changed and I realized I had just had a small fruition. Switched to noticing nyana sensations, and cycles through up to Equanimity a number of time with a fruition taking me back down. The last time, it felt like I jumped up to and stayed in sixth jhana, so I hung out there and let the jhana deepen for the rest of the sit.

Evening:
On the drive home, I felt more mindful and aware in general. The practice I do during my commutes has been getting stronger. It's getting to be more of an integral part of my full practice, and the mindfulness often lasts past the end of the commute. This evening, it lasted for hours. I was able to remain aware of feelings, body sensations, and thoughts throughout parent-teacher conferences for my middle-schooler. It wasn't happening continuously, but it was often enough that it sustained the feeling of practice.

Fri 11/4

Had a rougher night than usual and tossed and turned quite a bit. I'd come awake, try to note, try to watch my breath, then fall asleep. Over and over and over again.

I expected to be really crabby in the morning, but I wasn't so much. Just a bit, but certainly not how I would have behaved a month ago. I practiced four foundations noting both before and during the drive in. It seems to be getting easier to not get embedded while doing this.

Got pretty sleepy in the afternoon, though, and the drive home felt like work, since I was still feeling sleepy.

Decided to take a nap when I got home, and to my complete surprise, I got a pretty wild ride as soon as I closed my eyes. Very quickly, I went up to Equanimity, and then had a review fruition. Then another. And another, and another, and another, some of them only a few seconds apart. I'd open my eyes and I would stop in whatever nyana I was in, and as soon as I closed them, the cycling took off again.

This went on for quite a while, then suddenly instead of a fruition, I jumped into the arupa jhanas. Then suddenly another review fruition. I kept jumping back and forth between landing in jhanas and fruitions. It felt completely out of my control. Eventually, after about an hour, my body finally calmed down, and the rapid cycling got longer and longer. I finally had enough and got up.

Saturday - Sunday, 11/5 - 11/6

On Saturday, I had another long drive, meeting, long drive back, and was able to get over 3hr 40min of practice. On Sunday, I closed my eyes on the couch, and started having rapid review fruitions again. This time, it lasted for about 40 minutes, and wasn't quite as wild as on Friday. Tried to take a nap later, and again, rapid review fruitions.

I've been having a huge amount of body sensations related to the review fruitions this weekend. I felt very tired (sort of), blissful (sort of) the whole day Sunday, to the point that I thought I might be getting sick. Yet, when I actually got up and did stuff, I had plenty of energy. In a way, it almost seems like my motivation to do stuff is lower. I'm not exactly sure how to explain it. It's like I'm blissed out from the fruitions, but without the physical pleasure aspect. The rest of the body sensations are still there: calmness, peace, joy, floaty sensations, equanimity. All of this becomes more prominent if I exhale slowly and pay attention to my breath leaving my body.

Saturday - Sunday, 11/5 - 11/6

On Saturday, I had another long drive, a meeting, and then the long drive back, and was able to get over 3hr 40min of practice. On Sunday, I closed my eyes on the couch, and started having rapid review fruitions again. This time, it lasted for about 40 minutes, and wasn't quite as wild as on Friday. Tried to take a nap later, and again, rapid review fruitions.

I've been having a huge amount of body sensations related (I think) to the review fruitions this weekend. I felt very tired (sort of), blissful (sort of), peaceful (sort of), lethargic(mostly) the whole day Sunday, to the point that I thought I might be getting sick. Yet, when I actually got up and did stuff, I had plenty of energy. In a way, it almost seems like my motivation to do stuff is lower. I'm not exactly sure how to explain it. It's like I'm blissed out from the fruitions, but without the physical pleasure aspect. The rest of the body sensations are still there: calmness, peace, joy, floaty sensations, equanimity. All of this seems to increase if I exhale slowly and pay attention to my breath leaving my body.

Monday, 11/7

The lunchtime sit was interesting in that I got pretty sleepy. This is a change for me from the last two weeks of very energetic sits and review fruitions. In fact, it didn't really feel like I cycled at all, and when the chime went off, I felt a bit confused, slow, foggy, almost a bit disoriented. This passed in about 15 minutes.

On the drive home, I was able to note well, but I noticed was getting lost in thought more as the half-hour commute progressed.

Tuesday, 11/8

Things are starting to feel like they are slowing down back to some kind of a baseline. The intensity of body "energy flow" sensations is down, and the near-constant mindfulness of a couple weeks ago is also reduced. I'm still more mindful more of the time than before, but it's not as highly obvious as it was before.

This morning, when I sat, it didn't really feel like I went anywhere. It was just a slow deepening of concentration. Near the end of the sit, I felt a shift, and then felt this sort of distance from phenomena, and it became a bit easier and quicker to notice sensations when they arose. On the drive in, I was able to stay present with the driving, and was able to notice pretty quickly when I had gotten lost in thought. It was a low-contrast, misty morning, and I was noticing and enjoying the subtle (and not so subtle) color variation in the foliage and shrubbery along the highway.

Walked outside at lunch, alternating between noting, concentrating on the movement of my feet, and playing with witness practice. Concentration came up gradually, almost imperceptibly.

Dropped into the Tuesday Night Virtual Sangha for a short while, and talked with Pejn, David, Villum and Jason about the Witness, then worked on the witness on the drive home: started with a little mindfulness of breath, then two minutes each of the four foundations, then shifted to Witness, asking, 'Who am I' and investigating the thoughts, sensations, and shift of perspective that came back. This is a different sort of practice, but I'm starting to see it better.

Good stuff Andy - It was great meeting you. Feel free to PM me if you ever feel you need to talk on skype or something like that.

Same here, Jayson. I appreciated all the advice, but it was like drinking from a firehose! I definitely have questions.

Nice to have met you.

You too, David.

Wed 11/9
Did 15 minutes of jhana practice, and exited in sixth jhana with the intent to stay in the state. On the drive, worked on remembering the sensations of sixth jhana, staying in the Witness perspective. Asked, 'who is thinking', 'whose thoughts are these', 'who does this body belong to?'. The answers I got back were sometimes physical sensations, sometimes a sense of presence, and not necessarily thoughts. Near the end of the half-hour drive, thinking was greatly reduced, and there were a few moments where I was sort-of along for the ride, while my body and brain knew how to drive me to work.

At lunch, worked on concentration with a kasina, then on jhanas. Eventually, I lost focus, and then felt a very mild fruition. I continued to sit, and more fruitions came up, and they kept getting more and more powerful. Eventually, though, things calmed down, and I ended the sit after almost an hour. Later that afternoon, I felt myself cycling much in the same way as during the sit, with an occasional transition that felt similar to a fruition.

Did first gear noting practice on the drive home and was plenty distractable, but seemed to get into some calmness and spaciousness. This calmness and peace lasted through getting a bodyshop estimate (a kid tapped my bumper at a stop sign), and into the start of a lifting workout.

Later in the evening, after listening to this Hamilton Project Podcast ( thehamiltonproject.blogspot.com/2010/09/...ti-variety-hour.html ), I played with focusing my attention on the inside of my skull between my spine and my right ear. I would then move the focus of my attention slowly left and right until my eyes would change focus, and I'd get this buildup of an inward collapsing sensation where my attention would move to be only in my body. Once, after I released the attention, I got this long, quiet pause. Nothing else really seemed to happen, but it was interesting to play with anyway.

Thursday, 11/10

Sat for 15 minutes before my drive in, using a chime set for every two minutes. Two minutes of breathing, then body sensations, vedena, mindstates and then thoughts(future, past, self). When I got to thoughts, I felt this peaceful, calm, laziness spreading through my body. This calmness and peacefulness lasted all the way to work, and was still there a bit later in the morning.

Only had time for a quick sit: 5 minutes of kasina practice (tennis ball), then 5 of jhana practice, then 5 of kasina, then 5 more of jhana. Finally, did 10 minutes of fruition practice, and ended up with a big fruition using the eye-blink technique.

I'm really enjoying the practice I do when I'm commuting. It become so easy to see when I'm in my senses, and when I'm in my head thinking. And the thinking is coming up less and less.

In the evening, forty minutes of practice split (somewhere) between samatha practice, moving up and down the jhanic arc, and then, a pleasant and unplanned opportunity to do fruition practice.

Friday, 11/11/11

Morning:
Woke unexpectedly at 5:00 am, so I practiced jhanas for a while, then did some fruition practice, then worked on focusing attention on the spot inside my head where I start getting the buildup of nirodha samapatti sensations -- the inward collapse of awareness, the buildup. I never hit the event horizon, but when I did release my attention, I'd get a long, slow awakening to my senses, and a pristine clarity for a short time.

Took a short break, then practiced again from 6:00 am to 7:00 am.

Drive In:
On the drive in, I was able to maintain a sense of presence and awareness for longer periods of time. I think I'm getting into the Witness, but I'm not exactly sure, because I've rarely had hard arupa jhanas. The sense of watching, noticing, awareness is what's present in the background when I'm in jhana, and it's also present when I'm doing vipassana. Whatever this sense of presence is, it's something that I've had tastes of for as far back as I can remember, way back into childhood. Being able to bring it up at will and then sustain it seems to be the appropriate thing to practice.

Friday, 11/11/11

Never mind that. Forget it. I now think I was wrong about The Witness. I think what I've been experiencing was being aware of awareness.

After I re-read mumuwu's pointing-out instructions at kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/thread/47...n+Pointing+Exercises I 'got' the Witness, and by that I mean that it hit me like a ton of bricks. I'd been looking too hard for it. It turns out that I actually experience the Witness as self-consciousness in the psychological sense, but without all that awkward emotional baggage. It's the sensations of my body and the world and everything in it through the filter of subjectivity. Me, I, mine, myself as the subject, and all other sensations that arise as object.

And then, after re-reading Mumuwu's instructions, for a moment the self as separate entity was just gone, and there was just the mix of sensations implying self, but not being self.