Loco's journal 1

added 2x 45min "whoami"- sad bliss, maybe "american beauty", or "fields of gold" volume up ... UUP!!! (neighbours are emptiness)

"Who is it, who has all this very pleasant feelings?" Suddenly my emotions were like the emotions of somebody else. I am the transparent body behind all this. (1x45)

a lot more is possible than is possible.
i love to be somebody with a very scientific and sceptic attitude, who makes this experiences. it is really an interesting life. even if i don't have a clue what meditation is. i like to be in the role of a sorcerers apprentice, it remembers me when i was a child and had a feeling for all this. i knew there is more. there was just nobody to teach me.

Obviously I like it so much, a part of me thinks it is enough. Only 2x25. In 2nd 25 I fell asleep. Kept on noting: tired, asleep, grey, dreaming, falling, tired, asleep ... surprise, surprise a good session. same result like awake. but 5mins last forever when i am asleep

it is the moment before you met your parents. it is not a saying, it is not a metaphor. it is ment literally, concrete. give up your mother. if it doesn't work again, take both parents, left and right, there is a middle. a place only for you. if you are too intellectual to admit that you loved/love your mother, take your first girlfriend, jump from there to your mother and give that up. the whole thing. or just what you hold in hand from it. you can remember that point. where it all ends, before it all began. you can remember, it is a feeling of "i can't". it is free. You can't, you can't. give it up, you can't. give up. it is somehow important to have that love as a carrier. in that moment.

it is 2.30 am and i awoke in the middle of my sleep. but i had to tell.

(the moment) before you started to love (the first time)

Snicker. It's funny what I write in exceptional states. But it's true.
awakening-state is not very different or far away or better than another state. it is like the infinitely short moment before your foot hits the football, when you first kick in in a soccer game. This moment determines the whole game. if you could go there after the game, with only a centimeter to the left you can change the whole game. this is why it is so special because it includes the whole game and has therefore over all momentum. from there my whole life changes like backwards through time

it exactly works like kenneth teaches (***gratefulness***).
First I-amness. Don't follow the bliss, follow where it points to. Turn into it. This is when the NASA opens the door for the astronaut into space. And it is his expedition now.

Boy, these were the most useful instructions I got in my whole life.

"it exactly works like kenneth teaches (***gratefulness***).
First I-amness. Don't follow the bliss, follow where it points to. Turn into it. This is when the NASA opens the door for the astronaut into space. And it is his expedition now.

Boy, these were the most useful instructions I got in my whole life."

Loco,

Could you go into this in more detail?

"Could you go into this in more detail?"



Yes, so the recipe for my legendary calamari with hawkbitsalad and lemonbread, which will lead to enlightenment will be posted later.

Here comes the enlightenmentrecipe how I understood it (oh my god), from the private instructions with Kenneth (more or less like on this HP). For me it was very important to have the private instructions of Kenneth, because he can correct you when you indicate and you don't have to first take the wrong exit, go all the way back, find a new on-ramp, go in the same direction and then eventually take the next wrong exit. It helped to have the neurons connected several times in the right pattern.

1. Go into The witness or the state beyond it (the NoWitness, I take that one). I prefer to do it when I am asleep because my mind is softer than, like a Monet. but thats a private preference.
2. In this Alices Wonderland there should be some kind of at least subtile bliss or pleasant feelings. The whole world there is very light and easy. If not go to "who is it, who has this experience" or "who am I". There should appear some brightness at the edges of your space. If yes you have the platform for the basejump. (I am in, when my eyelids automatically are more open than usual, and the awareness is around the lower part of the skull, the neck, and around the ears. if eyes closed panoramic.). but you already know that very well. ---> next post, next side

3. Do not get hypnothised by pleasant feelings now. Divine feelings are just there because you turned your mind to the right direction. So one could say they point to something else or they come from a source that itself is not you and not there at all. one can not see it, but you can detect it, because the feelings get stronger when you turn to the right direction. The mind is not there, because there is no mind. If you have sensory perceptions of it, it fooled. It feels free. Turn to the real source of the good feelings (This brings in a kind of nonconceptual awareness, but even that is already said too much). It is more important to go there often then to stay very long. The main characteristic is a perception of intense freedom. So if you watch the bliss too long you will watch it go downstream and it will take you away from its pure well. stay with the freeness. (the bliss is just indicator for the direction, a compass, but if you have the right direction, you have to let go of the liane and jump to the next. which will not be there. both of you are not there. so there will be no fall)

wow, it is more difficult than i thought, to reproduce this inner processes in the external world in form of language

1x25 nothing special

1 x 25min spongebob. very enlightened.

My experiences make me think a lot about what awakening is. It is so personal, so intimate, so psychological. And absolutely not technical. And for sure it is not calm and certainly not peaceful. it is very dynamic and most of all free. radically. So I don't know how useful it is to train for years to be calm and peaceful. I can not see what concentration has to do with enlightenment. concentration is very pleasant in itself, yes. but it has nothing to do with enlightenment. I even don't know if any kind of meditation leads to enlightenment, I am really not sure about that. I mean why not getting the whole thing out of life directly? Why note feeligs in a room alone? I mean show to your friends how and what you feel. It will make you stay with your feelings naturally. And the second thing is that love is so an intrinsic part of the experience that it makes me shiver. Then why not get the enlightenment in a natural way, while making love? Or touching a friend. Or giving something. Or admit how dependent you are on others. But I see one sense of meditation: to not get lost in the chaos. Yes.

... and the result is: 3 gear transmission ) 2 x 25 min the cat hunting her tail. fresh, recharged, clear, beginning was unfocused

2-3rd gear physiology: behaving like an oil-portrait of an old master, turning of the head is slower than usual, i am a kind of stilleben, eyes wide open, streaming around the head, tingling ears/neck, children like me very much like this, like to put their heads close to mine (they feel something), the more gentle and effortless I get into the state and hold it the closer I am to awakening, with no effort its fantastic.
sometimes people that I haven't seen for years call or visit me when I am in it, beeing on a Carousel stops the state quickly especially vertigenious nausea- moderate pain doesn't, beginning to talk is sometimes a bit strange especially when people come to you you don't know (they somehow seem to find you interesting) it feels like the film is stuttering first.

1x25 min 3rd gear. just to tune in, it will come when I like it. Legs like pendulums foward n backward. Turning to somebody results in a stream from my chest to his. not love. just warmth and maybe a bit of light or something like it. Feel like a full treasure chest. starring a little disturbing, people probably realise that i am in a different world. they react positive but i still feel a bit uncomfortable with it. my wife says i look very lucky and my face changes completely when i am in but i don't realise that. i don't feel "very lucky". i am. just this. not anything else.

Does anybody know what is what?I can clearly differentiate these states:

WITNESS (more distance, clean, stiffness/slow motions, starring, no humor, talking is an interruption first, artificial, little effort, no feelings just perception, theoretic knowledge, I)

BEEING (more golden, full and rich, lots of humor, sense for beauty, lot of verbal creativity, human, no effort, more positive feelings, knowing from experience, We)

AWAKENING (freeness, aliveness, innocense, sitting in a cool whirlpool or well, inexistence, falling, radicality pure, Nothing and all)

FUSION (reality and me are made of the same material, we are a waving web that appears and fades, i can melt into it and it can melt into nothingness, the same moment i dissolve it dissolves too, we are twins and unborn at the same time)

What is what?

read a bit of literature. It's spooky how similar human experiences are when it comes to spirituality. seems one can not write anything that has not been written before, sometimes even analogies are very much alike. there doesn't seem to be individuality in spirituality. of course not ...
if samsara wouldn't exist already, I would have to invent it.

oops! I did it again.

2x25min coming up from deep deep, practice is like the first day in autumn

1x25min: have an "explaining mind"-problem, found at the moment no other solution than noting. underneath it seams to be an subtile fundamental fear/tension of beeing "here"

nirvana without samsara would be nothing.

what a gift it is to live exactly at that point where they meet. to be able to watch things appear and vanish.

changes in practise results "2-3 gear":

mystical effects still appear normally after the practice, normally in sleep. during practice: awakening feelings like "ahh! this is it" but not like after practice "wow thats fantastic"

best conditions: walking or on a playground with running kids, time: 3-8pm mind nearly goes by itself into witness/iamness and lets "ah thats it" through the canvas

todays mystic: feeling i could change my fate by just concentrating, harry potter like, miraculous feelings in the chest, free to decide the script of my life.

still difficult: stop seeking the light and start shining instead, get into it while reading, behave completely natural, everything that pulls me into emotions (talking, alcohol, etc.) pulls me out of the state.

there is no difference pain or bliss, they're all exhausting to me. want to exit.

"there is no difference pain or bliss, they're all exhausting to me. want to exit."

Can you say more about this?

Yep. it doesn't make a difference if you are driving over a bump (bliss) or a chuckhole (pain), when in reality you want to just stop.

I guess i am exhausted of loosing something. The change or impermance of phenomenons is the dominant characteristic in my perceptions at the moment. bliss or suffering doesn't make a lot of difference, a sense of having had enough. seems to be a depressive reaction to falling out of bliss.

also had some "experiences" that were not like i expected them to be

1. an "awakening" that was like when the doors of heaven and the doors of hell open at the same time. you don't know what. it is the same door. they extinguish each other. it's not pleasant, but it is free.
it is the most dynamic neutrality one can imagine. it's all in your hands. it all depends on you. not forever, no this would be easy. only now in this moment. nobody can live in this state for sure so i don't know what it means that someone is enlightened. you can't help your kids with the homework and have that realisation at the same time. maybe it is possible to hang around in front of these doors, in an diogenes-like attitude n keep a connection. don't know.

second i fell asleep into a state where i had the feeling to know everything (no no not like i always do ) and it was pretty clear to me that there is no rebirth or former lifes. for sure not. saying 2 me: "this is your live, take the chance in this moment or miss it. its your problem. if you are worried about the future you haven't understood how big is the catastrophe of loosing the presence. there is nothing else and there will be no second chance, no afterlife, no tricks, it's fairytales, opium for the people. this is your chance to achieve a life. miss it or not, there s nobody who cares, just you. it's just you, who has something or not." thats what i am facing at the moment.