Loco's journal 1

gentle cool winds blowing downwards my spine. in the evening arrives a feeling for the holiness and uniqueness of my human relationships. intensifying my practise to 4 x 45. a strong tension in the soft palate comes to awareness and keeps coming and going (then the breath is free)

like a baby on the belly of his mother, my mind rests on my breath the whole day. shamata-med (2x45). don't know why. just happened easily. maybe because i read kenneths description last night before i fell asleep. haven't been in this place for long time, remember all its comfort now, sucking on my on lips (gack) ... in the end regression defeated me and unmasks my true self: a suckling

whats that?: following breath, change the place of awareness to above and behind the head. eyes roll up and lock in, short flickering of eyelids softens fast and disappears. cramp at the base of the skull, and the left indexfinger and thump spread extended (no control), a soft milky yellow light around the head like having your head above the clouds but light is milky yellow, maybe feeling of beeing sucked upwards. later all softens up.

The day before I started to recite Namo Amitabha (after 13 years the first time, its a preparation for phowa) and fell asleep with it. Now I read that Kenneth and a friend had a related idea. I tried to find out if my unconscious could have anticipated it and what the order of events was. It started with beeing interested in shamata and reading Q&A on this webpage where Kenneth mentions his pureland experience. could be a rational explanation. But why was I suddenly interested in shamata and read just that page? It is not the first times I am observing such a coincidence (but it seems to be part of the game that you never get a 100%proof) anyway the concentration practices seem to sensitize. and the suffering of the world makes an impact I am not always sure I want to take

Awaking with a blister filled with transparent lymph on the top of the head, the scales fell from my eyes. Sherlock Folk-Holmes and Dr. Watson skyped yesterday and today a possible but very mystical solution presents itself:

I recited Namo Amitabha in the evening, the next day practiced shamata and fell into a blissful state (post77) I didn't know. Research on KFD -> could be Pureland 2 - > called Kenneth went into it again - next day I had a blister on the head.

Background: I recited 13 years ago as preparation for phowa Namo Amitabha (tibetan: om ami deva hri). In phowa you visualise yourself shooting the mind as a green ball up the central channel through the skull into the red pure land of buddha amithaba (combined with a certain shout). there appears a blister filled with trasparent lymphe at the top of the head if the practise was succesful, they say on x-ray you can see a small whole in the skull afterwards. it is said that if this channel is free the mind leaves the body on autopilot through it in the moment of death and gets into amitabhas pure land directly and will not be reborn. i considered this to be a legend, even if i had strong bodily signs (blister) during the 10 days of the retreat. Now I'm starting to think about it.
I nearly had forgotten about phowa, then read about shamata and the Amitabha mantras on KFD (see synchronicity/post 78), used them, kind of switched the auto pilot on, fell into a state that turned out to look like a pure land and have a blister on the head the next day. I didn't realise it as a pure land cause the light was milky yellow there and during phowa it was clear red, but the sweet feeling and the state are very akin. And both have a tendency to send the really undiscribable sweetness after the practise during everyday life, when you don't expect it.

like often after more intense experiences life feels like I am returning from a dream and I still feel a bit insecure which one now is the dream, the experience or the daily routine.

scientific discussion about recent studyresults about precognition, telepathy, etc:

4 x 45 min. avoiding newspapers-weltschmerz. also sad songs or poems are hurting 100times more.

2x 45 just sitting. on the other hand the beauty is overwhelming. nearly.

Just sitting. Applying any kind of technique to the mind seems to be a form of violence.
Going into a Jhana, why would you do that? You are lost for the world there.

Even to concentrate in an effortless way appears as a disturbance of my state. I could put my concentration on every object and it would stay there forever (as easy as if I put my wallet on the table, simply by deciding to). but why should I ? It is perfect here.
The state I am in is pretty dysfunctional in every day life. Too slow, too much contact, too less normal emotions, too much equilibrium. I am simply not of this world. I am a standing tightrope walker in perfect balance.
I feel pretty enlightened but I know I am not. Where to go from this place? I could stay here forever ... If I go on with sitting my body will probably soon disappear, I feel already like Caspar the ghost after a biobleaching

concentration is suddenly amazing. witness nearly always on. HAIETMOBE 2-3 whiffs a day of a feeling like matter concentrates and a kind of ghostly quality appears in "the scene/the seen". if no whiff a sensual innocent not very special, simple state locks in place. i have no idea upon what the whiff depends, IT IS VERY OFTEN THAT I HAVE THE FEELING THAT I SUDDENLY SEE THE WORLD THROUGH SOMEBODY ELSES EYES for a few seconds. Do i see the horse or do i see what the horse sees. Do i experience my own experience? no. it is as if i undergo somebody elses experience but. because i experience it, it is also at the same moment my experience. useless to describe that.

today was pretty normal and ineffective. except ping pong noting with my grilfriend/wife was a surprise. felt connected and in a way wonderful in love

Facing the Not-Beeing bears the highest contrast to Beeing. This is why it feels so alive. The senses can perceive their maximum in contrast to perceiving nothing.
(if there is something like an inner picture etc, the senses take this as their baseline to compare the real world with and can not gain their full momentum. so at the moment i am perceiving enlightenment as just having the full capacity of senses because of correct calibration of the zero-line. ruther unspiritual i admit.)

Got a sunstroke: headache, nausea, dizzy. I would say it is impossible to meditate with it. it affects the brain directly. hmmm, a mindstate that is completely independent of conditions... not sure if something exists... what would be the basis for it? the brain, hmm, anyway it's not so important

Big K gave me Mahamudra-Noting yesterday. Afterwards was like beeing in love without falling in love with the world. Feels very tibetanlike .I start with 4x45 min today

No motivation to sit down and meditate, when you can walk around through the world and enjoy it while meditating having all kinds of results. (I like the transparent fog that appears when I look through an upcoming emotion and the feeling of cool disappearence of me in that single moment ) But ok I am doing my homework...

Mahamudra-Noting together is like having a very beautiful woman, while Mahamudra-Noting alone is more like beeing the beautiful woman. (less fantastic)

I am "vastly" overwhelmed by the effectiveness of the methods Kenneth is teaching.

In the huge white tempel of the ego there is vastly space between the allmighty sensory pillars. they are carrying nothing rather being themselfves. the child can run fast or play with the marbles in the light of the sunset. it all would be the same falling apart. akropolis is levitating.

There is a film of awareness in everything i experience for maybe 30% of the day. no thoughts arising in that 30%. no awakenings, no wows. no energyloss at all. thats why: fresh natural friendlyness when i need to act/interact with other people.
dreams are not weird anymore, i dream complete novels with a logic storyline. i can check them for their artistic value while i am dreaming. had that 10 years ago.

Had to get into tummo the last days to post some descriptions. My body is like a hungry tiger to get back into tummo practice and its hard to hold him back. he is roaring and growling if i want to sit him down for other practices he tries to get into tummo by sending waves of warmth and bliss, feelings of boredom and does the tummoexercise nearly by itself. i wonder who will win this fight, for today i've lost. He is claiming for what is his.

In the huge clockwork of techniques, there is only one direction to move

Hi Nick or Owen, would be great if one of you would have an opinion on the following problem:
I experimented a lot the last weeks with AF and Wittness because my impression that they lead into the same state becomes more and more set.

1. I ask myself "Who am I?" and wait 4-5 sec for the answer, the body becomes aware of the situation through the senses and gives the answer as an integrated/homogen display of all senses. Then I think no, not this. then I ask again the question (before I can start to think)

2. If I ask HAIETMOBA, the same procedure has to happen as a result of the question.

So it seems to me to be the same method. After a few minutes one does not need to ask but can easily keep the mental process of perception going and can stay in it.
In one case it is called beeing/Iamness in the other EE, both can switch sometimes into a state that is called PCE (my longest was maybe 60 sec) or a state that is called collapsed witness/nondual. Is this correct or am I misunderstanding something?
The only difference I could find out was that the "Who am I" is a bit more visual or focused on the visual sense and a bit more energetic/upgoing, while the HAIETMOBA is a bit more including the bodyperception/sensual, more childlike.
So one seems to be a flat version (witness) of the other (HAIETMOBA), is this true?

Thank you guys

Hi loco,

In my own experience those two questions yielded different results.

When I asked 'Who am I?", the mental focus would shift to the witness sensations in the head, the area that seems connected to the 6th jhana focus. The sense of I AM.

When I asked HAIETMOBA, I did not have this experience. The mental focus would shift to the sense doors, the eyes, the ears, the surface of the body etc. Not the witness nor a sense of I AM, which just seemed like a another self-referencing process in my experience. Whereas when I asked HAIETMOBA, generally all self-referencing mechanisms would drop away for a short time.

This is my experience so I would not advise equating those two questions and results. But I do not know how you are taking them on. Perhaps they lead to the same experience for you. Investigate some more. Spend a few days with just Who am I? and then switch to HAIETMOBA then viceversa. Perhaps practicing both of them together at roughyl the same time might mix up and skew the results. Experiment! You saw a slight difference in the focus. Now let the focus grow predominant.

Nick