Antero's practice journal 4

"Would you agree that what we are calling ' Rigpa ' is something that is BEYOND a mind/body state, beyond the senses and cognition?
- stephencoe100"

Thank you Steve for you kind words and good vibes,

Are you asking me to define Rigpa?
I am afraid I am not up to the task. FWIW, I guess you might be right.

Recently I have started seeing a phenomenon that I was not aware of before, at least not on this level. When a thought arises it may carry a very subtle tension or flavour with it. There may be a slight urge to get up and do something that my mind suddenly reminds me of. At times this tension is telling me that I prefer or do not prefer to do some things more than others. Even though these reactions are very subtle and resisting them, if I so choose, is no problem, there is no denying the signal. Basically what I am seeing is attachment and desire that is resulting in mind's inability to fully accept the present.

To enhance my observations and inspired by Owen's post on another thread, I have started to investigate this phenomenon using binary noting Yes/No (answering the question: is there any attachment present?).

It has been very interesting to watch how the process of attachment works in real time for me on a new level. It does not seem to be able to produce body states (let alone mind states) any more. If there is a physical tension involved, it is mild. So instead of irritation or worry there is a momentary mental image or a proto thought of the situation with some kind of mental bend or mental tension.

Noticing these effects of attachment leads to seeing them as a continuous stream of vibrations and there is a building up of energy in the body. This is released through a rapture that leaves the mind wide open and free of all tensions or preferences.

It seems to me that the feeling of time passing is felt in the body through tension that is caused by the mind is resisting what is. When there is no resistance present, the passage of time is irrelevant.

That actually makes sense to me.

I seem to have figured out how to ground the sense of time passing directly, a while ago.
I note "time" or "this time", and pay attention to how attention is directed by this (it seems to be in the lower spine, but that might vary)
There is a sense of spatial pulsing behind the spine, which can be grounded. This also (at least sometimes) seem to the basic nervousness and restlessness, resulting in a very nice relaxation.

There seems to be a sense of "this place" too, which i'm not sure is seperate, but which, when grounded, makes it feel like you're nowhere special, instead of at the center of the world (the sense of the specialness of your physical location disappears). It's funny how you then notice that normally, there's a subtle sense that you're (spatially) at the center of the world.

It feels like I am observing a process that has a life of its own. I have already some time ago passed the point where there would be any motivation to practice to improve my daily life as it goes very smoothly indeed. There are no mind states or body states to speak of, just continuous calm and stillness. I am watching with curiosity where this train I have boarded is taking me.

I have been observing with great interest mind's tendencies to favour certain kinds of outcomes over others or dislike certain situations which could be interpreted as unpleasant for '˜self'. A tiny discontinuity in the vibration of a certain part of the body is produced in these situations and even these have started to peter out recently. Even though mind no longer takes pleasure in creating commentaries and narratives, it has been enlightening to watch how these small reactions are the cause of many mental images, proto thoughts and thoughts arising. Noticing this for a while makes the fluctuation of the mind apparent as a continuous stream of reactions that is felt as a vibration in the head. When seen clearly, the mind drops the whole thing in a rapturous release. These kinds of raptures have been numerous recently.

This process has led to the experience of no-self more often. Like when one learns to drive a bike, all those separate functions involved can be left for unconscious control, which seems to do its job much more efficiently and smoothly.

(Cont.)

There is much less friction in all daily activities and being with other people has never been so natural. I notice that in social situations I am leaving out many unnecessary mannerisms without thinking about it. There is no longer the feeling of self-consciousness that previously got in the way in many situations. At work I am arriving at the right conclusions more often and with fewer steps than before, like my mind was somehow better organized that before.

As I learned from Nick to look for the qualities of Arupa jhanas, I have been noticing that the qualities of 5th and 6th jhana seem to naturally be present at all times. Nothingness of 7th jhana is also part of the default shape of my attention lately. If I try to access the four first jhanas, they are spacious, lack the normal jhanic factors and are completely identical to each other, except for the shape of the attention.

Nothing to say but: great reports!

@Omnipleasant: Thanks!

@Villum: Interesting practice. Have you covered it in detail in your journal? Can you do it on the fly or is some state of absorption required for it to work?

It feels like the latest raptures are twisting my brain into some new position inside my skull. There is a clear feeling of physical tension turning the top of my brain toward the back of my head when the vibrations hit my head. I am constantly having a feeling of pressure on top of my skull and at the third eye.

The aspects of 7th and 8th jhanas seem to be present at all times nowadays. This is weird as I have not done any jhana practice for a very long time.

Very interesting stuff! And congrats on your progress.

Would you share your thoughts on how your experience compares now to that of Nick + Owen's after their latest shifts - whether you guys are experiencing the same thing?

if not then it would be great to see what the differences are. here are some questions:

1) when you tune into metta, do you notice yourself going into the 5th jhana?
2) can you tune into delight/joy of being alive? do you go into the 6th jhana if that happens?
3) do you have any sense of time passing, or any sense of being somewhere in particular?
4) do you have any sense or feeling that you exist?

Hey Antero, thanks.
I don't think i have covered it in detail. Maybe on my old diary on the Dharma Overground. Basically, you note "time" or "time passing", stand aside, and see where your attention flows. For me it flows to near the tailbone. Then i ask, with curiosity and openness, "how does that feel in the body", stand aside, and allow it to manifest as vibrations. While these vibrations are noticed, there is no sense of time. In 10 seconds, this seems to develop into emotions also being grounded, resulting in the very same kind of peace as direct mode.
After a while, i think you can shortcut by asking "how does time feel in the body. It requires no absorbtion state, but for me so far requires stopping and attending. This may be a question of not having done it very much. I haven't really turned it into a practice, so far it's more of a trick, product of experimental tendencies. I suspect it could be done constantly, with practice.
Theoretically, i guess(guess!) it might be possible to ground the sense of time permanently, so that it ceases arising.

EDIT: The same technique applies (for me) to the sense that my current location is in any way special (i started doing this by noting "this place" and "this time"). It seems there is a constant subtle sense (for me) that i am at the center of the world, which with this trick can be dissolved into "being nowhere special"

It might be better sometimes to let the sensations that arise from asking "how does that feel in the body" work themselves out a bit more slowly, instead of just attending to vibrations. I just got into a nice PCE-ish experience by asking "how does it feel in the body to be in this specific location", standing aside and seeing what arose, and then standing aside and seeing what happens as answer to the question (it might help to repeat the question). Then there's a sense of things subtly moving and subtly being worked out.
EDIT: Keeping full-body awareness while this is going on seems to smooth the process, as does rigpa.

EDIT2: The question "how does time passing feel in the body" (for me) seems to bring up a lot of very subtle (and very subtly unpleasant) stuff all over the body, which i suspect is what you are talking about in the above post. This question seems very powerful to me, with the above method

"Would you share your thoughts on how your experience compares now to that of Nick + Owen's after their latest shifts - whether you guys are experiencing the same thing?

if not then it would be great to see what the differences are. here are some questions:

1) when you tune into metta, do you notice yourself going into the 5th jhana?
2) can you tune into delight/joy of being alive? do you go into the 6th jhana if that happens?
3) do you have any sense of time passing, or any sense of being somewhere in particular?
4) do you have any sense or feeling that you exist?

-beoman"

Thanks beoman!

There seems to be a lot of similarities between my experiences and what Nick and Owen are describing. It feels like the process is still going on for me and there are some variations to my experience from day to day, so it is hard for me to say anything definite at this point.

1.
Doing metta has changed completely for me. No more warm buzzy vibrations, just opening up to a feeling of space that seems identical to 5th jhaha. There is no '˜I' sending something to a target, just being wide open.

2.
There is constant delight in everything nowadays. When I direct my attention to something in particular the aspects of 6th jhana become very noticeable.

3.
I don't find any situations in which my mind would get bored. I have stopped reading newspapers, magazines and books. Time seems to pass quite nicely without unnecessary distractions.

I wouldn't say that I don't have any sense of time though. It is still possible for me to approximately judge how much time has passed without looking at the clock. As I just went to the men's room at work and marvelled at the reflections on the surface of the garbage bin, after a while there was enough sense of time to remind me that it is time to continue working again

(Cont.)

4.
This is a tough one for me. There have been some more noticeable shifts in the sense of '˜I', but mostly it has been steadily decreasing and becoming more subtle during the recent stages of the development and especially during the past couple of weeks.

Now as I am writing these words there is no sense of agency, just a physical being sitting on the chair resting its hands on the keyboard. There is some knowing present t feeling the fingers typing and weight of the body against the chair. And seeing how the words appear on the screen.

Yesterday felt like a movie as I was watching this guy going through his daily routines, all the time appreciating the lighting, photography and the scenery even though the plot seemed to be quite unoriginal and the main characters were not particularly talented

Before I started doing Vipassana practice I took my emotions for granted. I never stopped thinking what kinds of emotions I am having and why. Even though I would have liked to be in control of certain emotions, they just happened to me like bad weather.

At some point in my practice as metta started spontaneously arising I learned what love is: a clear recognizable phenomena that matched all the descriptions. It was easily triggered by my loved ones and I noticed that once the feeling was on the move it would even sometimes continue to flow towards people that were indifferent to me. It made me feel good, open and accepting.

Lately I haven't experienced metta at all, except on those occasions I have done ping-pong meditation with another yogi. It seems that feeling good and buzzy is not essential for caring for my wife and kids. If anything, I would say that I am nowadays more present and interested in them than before. I am delighted to be with them and they make me smile. No negative body states (or reactions) for cleaning the mess they have made or having to repeat the same things over and over again (not just with my kids, but with my wife also .

I teach kids at the local judo club, including my two sons. Just some months ago I felt good when my sons were doing something well and there were also very unpleasant body reactions when they were uninterested, fooling around or generally not living up to my expectations. Because of this the teaching sessions were sometimes rollercoaster experiences for me. Recently I seem to be unaffected by mood shifts or bodily reactions in those situations, although there are some moments of anticipating bodily reaction and thoughts arising like 'at this point I would normally feel good/bad'. But the reaction does not happen. This body seems to be very conditioned to react in certain ways even without the stimuli happening. One more thing to unlearn, I guess.

"Lately I haven't experienced metta at all, except on those occasions I have done ping-pong meditation with another yogi. It seems that feeling good and buzzy is not essential for caring for my wife and kids."

Is that to say you feel good and buzzy when doing ping-pong meditation with another yogi, nowadays?

"Is that to say you feel good and buzzy when doing ping-pong meditation with another yogi, nowadays?
- beoman"

When I sit with another yogi, I feel all sorts of things that I have not experienced otherwise since January this year (after 6th and 7th stages). This new ability enables me to tune into other yogi's wavelength so that I am able to follow him through the stages of insight. It seems to work much more accurately than I first thought. When we go through the nanas I may experience anxiousness, excitement, bliss, aversion, fear, disgust, metta, gratitude all other stuff that I otherwise do not have anymore.

It is quite interesting and educational to go through these stages again, especially as I am now feeling them more clearly and intensely than at the time I was cycling through them myself.

Many spiritual teachers must have this same skill as I can imagine it to be quite useful in teaching situations. When I spoke with Kenneth, he recognized it and called it neuro transference, if I remember correctly.

Hmm that's quite fascinating... reminds me of a sutta stating that one can cultivate the ability to know whether another person is released.

Are these things you experience from others of the very same stuff as pre-6th+7th, just that you know it's coming from someone else? Or is it a sense that it is happening, but somehow different than pre-6th+7th? And I'll repeat the same question for pre-"8th" if you have seen it in action.

"
Hey Antero, thanks.
I don't think i have covered it in detail. Maybe on my old diary on the Dharma Overground. Basically, you note "time" or "time passing", stand aside, and see where your attention flows. For me it flows to near the tailbone. Then i ask, with curiosity and openness, "how does that feel in the body", stand aside, and allow it to manifest as vibrations. While these vibrations are noticed, there is no sense of time. In 10 seconds, this seems to develop into emotions also being grounded, resulting in the very same kind of peace as direct mode.
After a while, i think you can shortcut by asking "how does time feel in the body. It requires no absorbtion state, but for me so far requires stopping and attending. This may be a question of not having done it very much. I haven't really turned it into a practice, so far it's more of a trick, product of experimental tendencies. I suspect it could be done constantly, with practice.
Theoretically, i guess(guess!) it might be possible to ground the sense of time permanently, so that it ceases arising.

EDIT: The same technique applies (for me) to the sense that my current location is in any way special (i started doing this by noting "this place" and "this time"). It seems there is a constant subtle sense (for me) that i am at the center of the world, which with this trick can be dissolved into "being nowhere special""

Villum - very interesting. thanks.

"Are these things you experience from others of the very same stuff as pre-6th+7th, just that you know it's coming from someone else? Or is it a sense that it is happening, but somehow different than pre-6th+7th? And I'll repeat the same question for pre-"8th" if you have seen it in action."
- beoman

I am not sure if I understand your question, so feel free to rephrase it if I am missing the point.

I have experience of only one yogi so far, so it is difficult for me to say anything definite at this point. Also it is actually quite hard for me to remember what my experience was like at that point of my practice. The only thing I am sure of is that I am experiencing mind states that are normally not possible for me and that closely correspond to that other yogi's progress of insight.

Out of curiosity I have tried to sense people in a tram a couple of times. My inner body is suddenly full of vibrations that I can feel quite clearly. The vibrations are sometimes harsh, especially around certain energy centres. I have even less possibilities to verify if this experience is genuine or not and I do not feel comfortable doing it as it feels like invading their privacy.

As all emotions are vibrations of the inner body and we are continuously affecting each other through them whether we realize it or not, I think it is quite natural that after certain level of sensitivity has developed, one can sense other people's energy fields also on a vibrational level. Actually I would be surprised if many yogis on this forum wouldn't be able to do the same.

[Edited for clarity]

This morning I noted some very short bursts of vibrations that corresponded to thoughts of future planning. Apparently the mind was finding the present moment unsatisfactory for a little while, before retuning to stillness again.

Lately I have been noticing how the mind is trying to react in old ways in certain familiar situations. There is a feeling of movement at a chakra spot that would normally happen right before the gross vibration occurs. Now instead of gross vibration there is a feeling of sliding like stepping on a slippery surface and it seems like the emerging reaction cannot find any foothold. In these situations I am also very clearly noticing the aspects of 7th and 8th jhanas almost like they are stepping in to manage the situation.

Apparently all that is required from me is to just enjoy the scenery.

"... although there are some moments of anticipating bodily reaction and thoughts arising like 'at this point I would normally feel good/bad'. But the reaction does not happen."

Lately I have been wondering if this might be where this path can lead to and here you state it literally. Very motivating! Now noticing impatience, craving, humor, gratitude ...

This process of unbinding continues to roll downhill. The state of no-self is going on pretty much all the time nowadays, but there still seems to be some differences to how deeply it is felt. There is no feeling that it is going to go away.

Last weekend I ran into something that probably was this stage's version of Dark Night after some brain wrenching raptures. Everything felt pointless, so why get up from the couch and do anything at all? Just looking at the wall seemed as interesting and as important as anything else I could think of doing. After a while I tried to turn this logic all over and started doing all kinds of chores around the house. If everything really is just the same, why not do some things that benefit others as well?

Just recently all the practices and this whole struggling towards freedom have started to feel like a distant dream. I am just an ordinary guy in a tram looking around in wonder and know as little about meditation and states of consciousness as the guy next to me.

Two days ago in the evening:

There is nothing I need to do.
Everything just is.

Series of convulsion like raptures.

From then on the state of no-self has been seamless.