Antero's practice journal 4

Indeed - have you looked at the section on the powers in the Visuddhimagga? They detail one being able to master the jhanas in and out, up and down on so many objects and ways for such and such a length of time - it sounds pretty difficult. It would seem that to develop powers one would need a few years on retreat dedicated to it, unless one had some natural talent.

Antero are you saying it isnt possible for you to enter a state where the mind blocks out all other phenomena other than the object of meditation?

Hi Antero,
I was wondering if you may describe the relationship between 'no self' and choice?
Cartago

@WSH3
I will give it a serious try and report the results.

@Cartago
Previously I used to act according to my habitual patterns and in retrospect it seems like I did not have much of a choice. Now those tendencies are seen through and they are falling off, but from my perspective nothing has changed: I seem to be on an autopilot just the same, the software has just been upgraded .

There is a feeling of freedom after getting rid of the previous constraints and nothing is holding me back should I wish to make some major changes in my life. A lot of things that I had previously taken for granted are now seen as empty. This freedom may very well be an illusion or a trick my mind is playing on me because the closer I look, the less choices I am actually making in my everyday life.

My everyday experience is like a movie that I am watching from behind the eyes of the protagonist with the illusion of being able to change the plot if and when I want. I am observing this person making presentations in various meetings and automatically responding to questions asked more skillfully than "I" used to do before. He never hesitates or feels self-conscious and he communicates his ideas clearly and precisesly without any unnecessary mannierisms and doubts. On one hand he is more attentive and interested in other people and on the other hand less judgemental and calculating. It is almost like this body is possessed by another entity that is using the resources of this body and mind much more efficiently than I ever could. So what is there for me to do except to enjoy the show? What choices are there for me to do or is it even possible?

Being ignorant of the philosophy and how these things fit in the big picture, I have no idea how these seemingly contradictory experiences could be reconciled and I would appreciate it a lot if someone could shed some light on this issue.

Hi Antero,
Thank you for your reply. If I understand this correctly then, even though the sensation of the 'self' has ended, there is still the experience of an observer and an observed?
Cartago

"I would appreciate it a lot if someone could shed some light on this issue.

"

cause and effect

"Antero are you saying it isnt possible for you to enter a state where the mind blocks out all other phenomena other than the object of meditation?
- WSH3"

This experiment turned out to be more interesting than I thought.

The first four jhanas do not differ from formless jhanas except for the shape of the attention, which is behaving like it used to and changing gradually from one-pointedness to panoramic. There are no mind states and no vibrations present and the mind wants to stay open and does not enter a state of deep absorption. The formless jhanas still have their recognizable qualities. When my eyes are open, the visual field is not narrowing the way it used to and previously I could not enter Pure Land jhanas with my eyes open. In those jhanas the visual field is somewhat darkening around the edges, but there are no other visual deformations present.

Then I make a resolution to experience jhanas the way I used to and this time there is a clear difference to the experience. First jhana comes with gross vibrations all over the body. The openness and spaciousness are not present and I can fall into a state of deep absorption. Other jhanas have their own distinguishable frequency of vibration but all of them are clearly felt unsatisfactory. No mind states are experienced.

There seems to be a switch that I can use to change between normal mode (open spaciousness) and the previous mode (absorption with vibrations).

"Hi Antero,
I was wondering if you may describe the relationship between 'no self' and choice?
Cartago"

Hi Cartago,

I am often struggling when describing my experience and it is seldom coming out as I wanted. The observed is still there just like before, but I cannot locate / feel / sense any observer. The viewpoint is moving with this body but I cannot believe even for a moment that a separate observer exists. Who / what is looking out of these eyes? I have no idea.

that is interesting - Thanks.

Very unpleasant vibrations at the throat.

I try to make the mind bend on itself to find some sense of 'me' and I almost make it, there is feeling of vomiting.

Rapture makes my eyes flutter uncontrollably.

[Edited for clarity]

>>>silence, silence, silence, silence, silence,'¦

Anatta quality is very apparent. Not even a trace of self can be found when there are no thoughts present.

>>>silence, silence, remembering thought, silence, planning thought,'¦

Mind tries to create a story from unrelated mental images.

>>>silence, silence, planning thought, silence, imaging thought, remembering thought,'¦

Thoughts are felt in the body as vibration of the attention. There is tension and effort instead of spacious and unhindered attention. The object is vibrating and not clearly seen.

>>>vibration, building up, vibration, release, rapture, bliss, silence, silence, silence'¦

The object is no longer vibrating, clean and pure attention. Noticing how superior present moment is compared to illusory and dreamlike past and future.

>>>silence, remembering thought, silence, remembering thought,'¦

Inner pressure is skewing and distorting the mental space.

Reading about discussions on Dependent Origination at the forum inspired me to do some investigations of my own.

There are two modes of experiencing available for me at the moment. One mode is free of sense of self, location or boundaries of existence and without any vibrations. The other mode that I can turn on if I want has a lot of disconcerting vibrations. These vibrations may be subtle or harsh, but nonetheless they are distracting and obscuring the clear experiencing of the sensations.

I observe a pleasant body sensation closely in this vibrating mode and I can see how the web of vibrating tension is formed on top of the original sensation obscuring it. This screen of oscillating tension is making it impossible to fully appreciate the pleasantness of the sensation without being affected by the unpleasant nature of the vibration. I can see how the vibration itself is composed of peaks and valleys and how the peaks are the unpleasant part of the vibration.

I can see how the attention is not just resting on the sensation, but it is jumping between the object and the area at the third eye very rapidly. This is giving rise to a feeling of duality between the observer and the object. Illusion of existing within the boundaries of this body is formed. My hypothesis is that this is one way of seeing Becoming in action.

No such duality exists when the vibrations are gone and the attention engulfs the object. The outlines of the body are merged with the surroundings and the sense of location and existing is gone.

"
Thoughts are felt in the body as vibration of the attention. There is tension and effort instead of spacious and unhindered attention. The object is vibrating and not clearly seen.

>>>vibration, building up, vibration, release, rapture, bliss, silence, silence, silence'¦

The object is no longer vibrating, clean and pure attention. Noticing how superior present moment is compared to illusory and dreamlike past and future.
"

Does this "release, rapture, bliss" correspond to a pulsing of energy around the head and through the top? Is the strength of the release proportional to the strength of the selfing?

I experience something that may be the same or may be totally different. Within awareness, I notice a cloud of selfing then close my eyes and start rapid fire noting - after about 5 seconds I can see that something (someone) is resisting that tension and the subject is then released leading to cleanness, brightness, clarity, openness.

I wonder if this physical sensation of release isn't blood rushing to a different part of the brain as a different set of circuitry is engaged.

"Does this "release, rapture, bliss" correspond to a pulsing of energy around the head and through the top? Is the strength of the release proportional to the strength of the selfing?
- Orasis"

Yes. For me the rapture starts with the contraction of the deep muscles between the anus and the scrotum (moola bandha). The wave of contraction and vibration shoots to the head that is engulfed by it. The tingling vibration is felt especially around the top of the head. The intensity of the rapture seems to correlate with the intensity of the tension / selfing present.

Could you describe in detail in what ways do you sense selfing? What mental and physical phenomena are selfing for you?

Great question - useful for me to investigate. First, I notice that I am lost in conceptual thought and come back to some level of mindfulness. Then, I expect clarity, but instead something else is there, obscuring the clarity.

At its worse, it is a sense of stuckness and confusion, as if some wild animal is locked inside a cage and doesn't know how to get out - a tension with maybe a trace of claustrophobia in it. "I WANT TO BE AWAKE! WHY AM I NOT AWAKE!?" This one now resolves itself within a few seconds. Prior to my last shift I might be stuck like this for hours.

Other times it may manifest as a resistance or pain - this is especially evident if I then note with my eyes closed. I might notice that eye fluttering immediately occurs which is causing physical pain that "I" don't like - a searching toward the spine occurs for the source of this "I don't like" and it is released through the head.

Other times, there is just a cloud of obscuration - something like a vague dissatisfaction manifest as something that keeps the senses dull. It can even be a dissatisfaction with the concept of being awake in that moment - a movement to try to conceptualize awakeness or conceptualize this moment rather than experiencing it. This can be a confusing and slippery place, because I might get a small release, but then it is impossible to tell if it is real or manufactured.

Whats tricky about this last one is if I ask myself if I am selfing or not, my answer would be "uh...I don't know??"

This last area, especially, has been the edge of my practice.

My body awareness is not very strong - I'm going to have to try paying attention to the source of this release going forward - I am still habitually head-oriented and only experience it from the top of the spine through the top of the head.

I created a sidetrack to my practice journal to study Tummo

kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/thread/47...s+sidetrack%3A+Tummo

I have been investigating a process of shadow selfing that is obscuring the empty and spontaneously knowing nature of the Mind. For the description of my investigation see:

kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/thread/47...Processes+of+Selfing

Methods that I have found useful to cut through the mist:

1. Observing the direction of the attention very closely. The oscillation can be felt in the body as a physical tension, which gives a good handle for a Direct Mode approach to ground it until it is released.

2. Continuous and sustained noting of thoughts cuts through the dualistic nature of the arising and passing.

3. Asking 'What is the Essential Nature of the Mind?'

4. Paying close attention to the senses create a pull from the pit of duality.

'Disturbing emotions come because of thinking.
Thoughts produce emotions,
Thoughts create karma.
Therefore, don't follow past thought,
Don't invite future thought.
In the present moment, do not correct,
Do not modify,
Do not accept or reject.
Don't try to rearrange your present wakefulness.
Instead, leave it as it naturally is
Without any attempt to alter it in any way.
That is called sustaining your natural face.
The moment you let be in uncontrived naturalness,
The essence of your mind is empty
And at the same time cognizant.
Cognizing while being empty,
This is your natural state.'

- Tulku Urgyen Rinpoche: Quintessential Dzogchen

'Buddhahood means being totally stable in the state before dualistic thought occurs.'

- Ibid

There are a vast number of states between no-self and almost-no-self. How do I know where am I?

If I need to check, then it was something other than no-self. It comes with an unwavering feeling of certainty.

Is no self a state or a simple fact?

"Is no self a state or a simple fact?"

no-self is an undeniable empirical fact, but for some reason the experience may still be almost-no-self.

Properties of thoughts

1. Arising and Passing
Self appearing of thoughts is related to Mind's aspect of spontaneous presence. In that instant the thought disappears, the awake quality is present and can be recognized. As a result of practicing the clear seeing of thoughts the gaps grow longer until there may be long stretches with no arising thoughts.

Thinking is movement of the attention towards an object and sticking to it. As this stickiness is decreasing through practice, thoughts arise and pass simultaneously. Emptiness and nothingness are the antidotes to stickiness.

2. Snowballing
Thoughts branch, invite other thoughts, multiply, gain momentum and link together to create trains of thoughts and stories. The stories are commented on and acted on like they were real. After disembedding from narrative thinking happens, this aspect is not functional anymore.

3. Intentions and Urges
are originated as a result of thoughts. This comes from the wrong assumption that thoughts are volitional and express the wishes of 'self'.

Nowadays if intentions still arise for me, the compelling force behind them is gone, because the emptiness of thoughts is seen in real time. Arising intentions are neutrally evaluated and then decided whether they are acted on or not, so the intention of going to shave has the same force as an intention that involves sense pleasures.

4. Emotions and Body Sensations
Thoughts cause emotions and body sensations because of the false identification with them. This aspect is not functional anymore.

(cont.)

5. Emptiness
Thoughts are inherently empty by nature and they are arising and passing spontaneously and without volition. As this property of the mind is clearly seen in real time, the power of the thoughts to influence other parts of the system is gone.

'The third way of freeing is freed beyond benefit and harm, and it is compared to a thief entering an empty house. Here, at this rather advanced level, you have recognized in actuality that all phenomena, whether belonging to samsara or nirvana, are nothing other than the play of rigpa. When you have become familiar with that, then even though thoughts still move as the flow of karmic patterns, they don't have anything to hook into. Not only are all phenomena seen as empty, but the thought flow itself, all the various patterns, are seen empty as well. At this point there is no real danger of losing anything to thought or emotion that arises. The thoughts 'know' by now there is longer anything to get, since they lost so many times before, but they still have to come because it is their job. There is still some karma left that is not yet purified. The thoughts are still being spewed forth to a certain extent, but that is not such a big deal, because there is no real danger of getting anything or losing anything.'

- Tulku Urgyen Rinpoce, Quintessential Dzogchen p. 222

6. Volatility
Perception influences thoughts easily on a subtle level, like a feather held in front of the nostrils. Lately noting of thoughts has turned out to be too crude technique to maintain the unfabricated essential nature of the mind. The union of stability with no thoughts and recognizing the awake essence of the mind can also be achieved by gently letting go of the burden of conceptual thinking and resting in the resulting clarity.

(cont.)

What is the endpoint of this practice?

'Through this process [recognizing your mind and resting loosely], our though involvement grows weaker and weaker. The gap between thoughts begins to last longer and longer. At a certain point, for half an hour there will be a stretch of no conceptual thought whatsoever, without having to suppress the thinking.
'¦
By growing used to this natural, original emptiness again and again, we become accustomed to it. Then there will be a stretch throughout the whole day from morning to evening, which is only empty awareness untainted by notions of perceived objects or the perceiving mind. This corresponds to having attained the bodhisattva levels, the bhumis. When there is never a break throughout day and night, that is called buddhahood, true and complete enlightenment.'

- ibid, p.130

Great stuff! Thank you for sharing all this, Antero.