Bill H Practice Log

Good stuff Bill. Your current suffering is a sign of doing it right - just resolve to keep going!

Thanks

55 min anapana, started out with intense wild internal tensions, some shaking and anxiety, slowly smoothed out over time, object becoming a bit easier to hang on to, still a wild buzzing energy throughout the body, started to get more relaxed towards the end.

55 min anapana, stayed with the breath, many distractions trying to unseat me, interestingly all 'stuff' this time, felt like all old conditioning rising to the surface, some small energy releases when looked at directly, feelings and self-images from childhood, just doing my best to stay with the breath without pushing any of the 'stuff' aside. Its pretty cool that an increase in concentration would bring up old pain like that so it can work itself out...

55 min anapana, started with extreme amounts of 3rd nana style tensions (which may not be) - felt like the brain was pulling at itself internally, different parts fighting, very strong tensions in different parts of the head, moving around, aversion loops, just stayed with the breath, near the end got much calmer, felt a bit more unified on the breath but took a bit more force to do, stronger intent to feel the real sensations of the breath and stay with them.

40 min anapana, very strong tensions again, but I could see that they were being held in place mostly by my resistance.. staying with the breath as best I could without strain.

55 min anapana, more solid, less tension, seeing many thoughts come and go that are fragments of memories/feelings, some energy release on seeing a few of these more clearly.

55 min anapana, breath getting clearer, mind more stable, calm, seeing the myriad of thoughts and stories the mind spins, none 'real' in this moment, staying on the breath the entire sit, a bit harder to stay on the breath nearer the end as the mind started to chatter a bit more and want to wander in reaction to environmental sounds - felt like I was close to generating some piti but not quite. Some light tensions in the beginning that didn't last very long.

I will add that a few times a week now I have been going to the gym, and it seems to be good to do anapana while on a stationary bike.

3x30 min anapana @ Zendo - had a repeat of something that seems to happen to me there quite often, where I get into some sort of panic attack mode and get stuck there, unable to fully surrender, unable to see what is causing what, and unable to stay with something solidly enough to convince the brain to give up searching for a 'fix'.. At one point I could see that there were two things locked into each other, an image of a fearful self and aversion, but they were operating so unbelievably fast that I only saw them once clearly, and the rest of the time the experience was vibratory in nature on a physical level.. I am amazed that the mind could spin that quickly in a way that I cannot see and cause that kind of experience - it took quite a bit of coming back to the breath to even see into the loop at all. Interesting.

I am also disturbed by something that seems to be coming from a difference in how the word 'concentration' is understood.. My friends here all think it means to shut out everything but the object - who started this rumor? I am unable to talk to anyone about what I am doing because they think I am eating babies or something on the meditation cushion, whereas their main practice is open awareness. How do I tell them that open-awareness, if done in a way like they do where you notice you are thinking or doing something else and *come back to the object of open awareness* IS a concentration practice? Its amazing how many arguments stem from simple misunderstandings about how words are used.

Yeah, that's true -- see here:

kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/thread/34...+Thing+Concentration ...

thanks - I loved Kenneth's quote of the Burmese monk.

30 min anapana this AM, mind ruminating all over theplace, trying to stayon/come back to the object.
55 min followed by 40 min anapana - mostly very calm, object is more stable and bright. Seeing many many more thoughts as thoughts and having the experience of sitting get more and more 'real' in the sense that the number of thoughts that occur that are about something not in the present moment seemed to be getting less and less, more of a sense like 'im just here and there isnt anything outside of this', while staying on the object. Some small inklings of piti perhaps but mostly just calmness, simplicity and the occasional ' 'oh thats a thought isnt it' while coming back (though for the most part not losing contact completely)

will add that I tried doing a prep before each sit after the morning one today that seemed to help - where I just review what the next goal is long term (master access concentration) and then remind myself what it is I will be doing on the cushion this sit (sensations of the breath are the go-to object, over and over, most important, etc). This seemed to quell a sense of doubt and serve as a reminder to keep things going in the right direction.

55 min anapana, mind a bit wild at first, settling down, staying on the object, some sort of agitation preventing deeper stability. seeing mental habit of worrying about not being able to do something, staying on the breath, mental loop dropped for a few breaths and the mind was more stable in a clear almost effortless way, at least for a few seconds, seeing the difference between the two, staying on the object.

55 min anapana, noticing strong self-doubt looping in the background, very quick and hard to see, also noticing how pleasantness seems connected to how full and 'real' the breath feels...

30 min anapana, having intense samadhi pain creepy crawlies and aversion, playing with different focus sizes for the anapana, finally seeing that the actual sensation isn't really that bad.. feels like I have been here before, but last year. I think I have been falling back down through 3rd nana - a few weeks ago I was tired much of the time when sitting, now anxious.. And I recall this distinctly from last year before I crossed A&P. Interesting.

50 min anapana, mind very usteady, had to keep bringing it back to the object, lots of difficult tensions in the body, bubbling and vibrating and at times would lessen and turn into itching in places. Concentration had a different feel to it, as if piti wanted to occur as soon as I brought the attention onto the breath but I could not hold it there.

55 min anapana - switched to breath in nostril tips. a bit more stable than the morning, getting very calm, had quite a few times where I would be sitting on the object and could feel some sort of energy arising in the head, then some feeling or memory fragment would come up, energy would release and then concentration would feel a bit stronger. This happened a few times. Old 'stuff'. Interestingly I do actually feel lighter after sits like that.

55 min anapana, keeping with the nostril tip breath instead of the mouth now that I am over my cold - seems to be more neutral an object. Fairly calm the whole time, although the mind was very busy and thoughts were quick, hard to stay with the object, bringing the mind back, again felt like pleasantness was about to arise, but mostly stayed just calm, trying to walk that tightrope while the winds of thinking whip the air...

55 min anapana, mind sticky and linear, narrow. Kept bringing awareness back to the breath, not very solid feeling, calm though and very very sleepy during parts of the sit with a few very quick drop outs.

started to feel a bit 'closed off' somehow the last few days and am finding either a quick MM or HAIETMOBA works well to be more open to experience. Both are very similar and quite powerful since I am doing so much on cushion concentration (whereas my experience of doing MM on cushion is that my mind's ability to do it seems to peter out after a bit. I am fairly certain that both practices are beneficial and should assist the on-cushion practice for various reasons (positive mindstates and clearing of the mind occur in both). My preference would be to keep on the breath all day but that doesn't seem to always work well.

Open to experience or not, somehow you are effortlessly aware of it

Good stuff Bill. Don't forget "being closed off" can come with further progress along the insight stages. It helps to stick with one practice in order to really show this.

Thanks. I have had pure concentration lead to EE style experiences naturally, which is interesting - Always off the cushion though.

55 min anapana, finding out that instead of trying to hold on to the object once I am on it, which is really adding extra thought, if I just 'place' attention on the object and wait for it to fall off it seems to deepen on its own. Lots of 'stuff' coming up this sit in the space created, although got very calm near the end, mind fairly quiet, small amount of pleasure.

55 min anapana, very calm this time, although a number of distractions keeping full awareness of the object at bay - one was a subtle loop of self doubt, the other the constant interjection of a referential thought, 'i am over here experiencing the breath', these two seemed to prevent stronger concentration although the sit was calm and somewhat pleasant the whole time, just kept on the object as best I could.

55 min anapana - very calm, on the edge of daydreamingly sleepy the whole time, trying to stay on object, noticing that as I get calmer the breath in the nostrils gets shadowy/subtle so I notice sometimes I am not really feeling sensation as much as a concept of sensation, will take some practice to stay on the real thing as it gets harder to notice...

missed writing this down yesterday, did about ~2 hours anapana @ Zendo, lots off cushion and was at the point for the rest of the day where I would bring attention back to the breath and everything would shift and become clear/present very quickly. For the most part the sitting was calm, started out with some monkey mind and took a while to get solid.

55 min anapana - hard to get going, when I get a full nights sleep it seems like the mind is in 'dream mode' and not very easy to keep on task - although very calm, kept at it - since switching to the nose breath I have noticed it is a much harder object to feel solidly, takes a bit more effort and time to get into. keeping on...