Bill H Practice Log

55 min anapana - started out with a bit of wandering/dreamy mind left over from waking up this morning, although I stayed with the breath the entire hour, probably lost it a few times for a split second though. It was more like the percentage I was with the breath would go up and down, and I would spend the time seeing how the percentage would go up a bit, then the mind would have a desire to think about something, usually some self-story, and sometimes the desire would end there and other times it would develop into a story, and then I would notice the object starting to fade and see the story/bring myself back a bit. Slowly chipping away at the addiction to unnecessary thinking. For the most part very calm and peaceful the entire sit, no wild tensions or energies or anxiety, just the breathing and the hundred-thousand ways the mind wants to escape being here.

At first I was worried I might be going in the wrong direction here with this stuff 'OMG what if I never get path' but now I am seeing that I never really did this basic work. I had spent most of my time sitting before this year trying to do investigation without any samatha at all pretty much so I had basically created an unstable platform from which to do insight practice.

55 min anapana - started out a bit daydreamy and tired, stayed with the object but wasn't as solid as the morning ended up being, had lots of environmental distraction which didn't pull me off too bad but there was this sleepyness and tendency for daydreaming that seemed to occur even if I was on the object. This time noticed lots of the thoughts as anatta, much more so than usual.

3x30 min anapana @ zendo and 30 min this afternoon, sitting on the deck as the sun settles lower, the ocean in the background

Noticed today that there was some mind wandering, lots of mental distractions at the zendo, more difficult to sit with other people as usual but it felt to me like the sits were much more focused and calm than any I had had there, except on retreat.

the sit outside was nice, still some mind wandering going on, although it was very relaxing and peaceful. I need to work on noticing that moment where attention starts to try to lift off the object - although I must say these sits are getting deeper and nicer as the days go on.

55 in anapana - didnt reall lose the object, lots of gross distractions though, after a while I could see a self-doubt hindrance pattern sitting on the outbreath, also noticed attachment to self doubt, staying with the breath. I could see also what a difference in quality it is when that loop of thinking drops for a few seconds. Its very hard to see clearly without lots of concentration for some reason.

55 min anapana, not very solid at first, but was able to get energetic joy to arise by 'making love to the breath'.. Interesting the bodily sensations associated with it are too strong, harsh pinpricks, like my normal A&P but the mental component of joy is there at the same time.

55 min anapana, had a few short episodes of drifting off the breath in post-sleep daydreams, fairly solid otherwise, sense of enjoyment most of the sit.

55 min anapana, pretty solid, worked on getting to the 'real' breath as object as there still seems to be oftentimes a veil of conceptualization over the experience... Had a number of times where I slipped into a deeper calm and had a bit of that 'windows rolled up' going on, mildly pleasant sit, a good amount of effort required to get to the 'rolled up windows' part, will try to see if I can get that again next time.

52 min anapana, some reflection on the effort I am using and its effects led me to try a more gentle approach. Concentration wasn't as solid as normal but I am seeing clearly now some unskillful patterns that I have been reinforcing in my practice, a sense of striving to achieve covering up a deeper feeling of unworthiness - A gentler effort helped me to see these things and the tension that they create. I can also see that the gentler effort leads quickly, when the tension isn't present and I am not reinforcing it, to a sense of joy arising with the practice, one that does not need to be created or forced.

55 min anapana, gently bringing the mind to the breath, over and over. Pretty solid on the object, bright and direct, the breath really starting to feel 'real', vivid to a degree not present a few weeks ago. Lots of 'stuff' but the gentleness prevailed. Starting to get into dullness, very strong and indicative of the 4th stage, almost did the 'zen lurch' a few times.

55 min of... something. Mind refusing to get behind it all the sudden, desire to note... Feels like its time to switchback? Did some mahasi and sense-base noting in there. Desire to do mahasi off-cushion.

Still wondering why I haven't been able yet to get mahasi to increase concentration - maybe this time it will work. ?

55 min anapana, difficult, floating through harsh stuff all morning, fear and vibrations, mind all over the place, couldnt hold on an object very well, settled down during the sit somewhat.

55 min anapana,
odd starting out first ten minutes or more I was just floating in space watching the breath and the mind doing its thing, somewhat sticky but on the breath. Stayed on the object, which is getting more clear and solid, and seeing how the mind grasps self-thoughts, tries to pull them close, and the fear that arises when they are seen as empty, the fear seen somewhat empty as well, just staying on the breath. Its very instructive to stay on the object when the mind is fearful. Not sure if I am on the far side of A&P right now, guess it doesnt matter.

55 min anapana. Solid and clear object, fairly, but sleepyness became very strong, spent most of the sit doing my best not to fall asleep, a few times noticed I was 'dreaming' the breath

55 min anapana. Was able to apply antidotes to sleepyness this time, I had forgotten that as a child I somehow out of curiousity had learned how to trigger small releases of adrenaline by thinking about it, used that and was able to steer the sit away from sleep, then about 2/3 of the way in I started to see something I hadn't seen clearly before, a mental process that prevents stable focus, a sort of vague, flickering self doubt that was running constanly, its like my personality habit uses the self doubt loop as intent, and it becomes a layer that gets applied to everything... Really strange to see that, actually moved through it a few times and the difference was amazing. Like night and day, with the loop running the object is constantly wavering in this subtle way, the energy caught up in worry, without it there is a unified calm, the object there, a sense of stability and continuity on the object.
Amazing what trying to just stay with one object can reveal...

"I had forgotten that as a child I somehow out of curiousity had learned how to trigger small releases of adrenaline by thinking about it"

Wow. I totally did that too. I wonder how many people have done this in their youth but for some reason there has never been any talk about it.

" I started to see something I hadn't seen clearly before, a mental process that prevents stable focus, a sort of vague, flickering self doubt that was running constanly, its like my personality habit uses the self doubt loop as intent, and it becomes a layer that gets applied to everything... "

I am curious abou this. I think I know what you mean. At some point in my focus there is an irritating buzz that questions why I am doing any of this and wants to have an immediate gratification for having to focus.

Thanks for the report.

sure.

55 min anapana, seems like I uprooted something or perhaps that I can see it more now, not sure but the self doubt was obvious the whole time, the clinging to it, the minds insistence that it hold onto it as some sort of self image, not wanting to let it go... Coming back to the breath, the mind a storm of doubt, but its all seen as some kind of addiction, habit of the mind, I can see that, feel the addictive quality of it. bleh.

55 min anapana, fairly solid, noticing that undercurrent of stuff preventing deeper concentration, staying on the breathing while glancing at the stuff from time to time, seeing what thoughts and beliefs are there...

3x30 min anapana, then 55 min anapana in the afternoon...
good concentration, starting to see more stuff the mind hides inside the outbreath, habitually putting thought loops there that obscure the object. Felt to me like hindrances were nicely supressed for a while after the 3x30 sits, but its clear that I must have crossed A&P accidentally because the 55 min sit I ended up cycling through the dukkha nanas over and over - its still good practice I suppose. Carrying on...

2x55min anapana and 45 min anapana... Very difficult this morning, storms of self doubt and thoughts spinning all over the place... Worth while, but..

After this I went to the gym and was playing around with following the breath while on the bike and I discovered that I have been doing this all wrong - lol.

I have been doing this practice with the idea that somehow I would anchor the mind on the object yet do nothing with thinking, allow it to do what it wants and end up with a sort of 'first nana' viewpoint where the mind spits off and is easily seen as having nothing to do with me. My assumption here was that doing this would allow the mind to calm down and eventually thoughts would occur with less frequency and concentration would deepen. Instead what I am finding is that I either start going up the insight maps when I approach concentration in this way or I sit there for a whole period, oftentimes with the mind being more stirred up than it was before I started (though not always)... sooooo I was on the bike and thought to make a dropping off and realignment of the mind each time it wandered, so instead of trying to anchor on the object within a sea of mind/body I actively tried to see what the mind was doing, catch it and return to a state where the mind was only thinking of the breath and thats what the attention was on... It was easy to see that doing it in that way, using *control* was more useful for concentration...

So then I looked around again at some instructions for concentration to see if this was something I had missed out on or ignored, and sure enough:

from IAN AND, on the DHO

www.dharmaoverground.org/web/guest/discu...ards/message/1191517

"My practice didn't really begin to take off until I was able to finally bring the mind to stillness and quietude. The importance of attaining to mental stillness was only tangentially mentioned when I first began a meditation practice. Most of the emphasis was on performing the meditation technique itself, which involved a mantra and therefore was not focused on obtaining mental quietude. Since the aspect of mental stillness was never really emphasized throughout the greater portion of the first twenty years of my practice, I never developed it, and therefore arrived late to the game. Once I realized how important this was (I was around 48) I immediately set out to correct this aspect of my practice.

What does this have to do with being able to attain to meditative absorption? Everything. The ability to reach one-pointedness of mind (cittassa-ekaggata) and to focus on a single object is dependent on mental stillness. Concentration is strengthened and increased only when the mind's movement is subdued and tranquility is present enabling sustained focus. The fourth level of jhana itself is dependent upon there being an all pervading deep peacefulness and quietude of the mind. It blocks out distracting thought, thus deepening concentration upon the object of meditation. So, mental serenity is crucial to the attainment of absorption."


so perhaps it is true that after one has achieved a certain level of unification of mind that one can concentrate with the attitude I initially developed, it may be true that a beginner needs to actually learn how to control the mind and mental processes so they can quiet down enough for deeper states to occur. I will make this adjustment and see how it goes.

45 min anapana, using the stopping method from DHO... Very different experience. The mind more clear, some tension involved in the stopping which will probably take some time, the breath there as object, a few times the breath got interesting, almost exciting, but no more than that. The stopping practice off cushion is interesting - seems to be a way of transforming the usual habit of my mind to spin stories I am not even aware of. leads to a less tainted experience, similar to MM I suppose but without that kind of effort, and adds the bonus of sharpening the ability to notice what the mind is doing. We will see.

this 'mind-stopping' practice is amazing... even better than MM. We will see if the effectiveness lasts or not.

55 min anapana @ lunch. Had been grooving on mild joy/happyness from doing the mind-stopping exercise (seems to work like MM for me but without the maps), concentration strong, pleasant, aware of many more sensations, more vivid, although it did seem like constancy needed work.

55 min anapana, piti/sukha from the morning/early afternoon subsided, concentration felt strong, kept noticing more ways the mind thinks, images etc, seen as if the same substance of dreams, and then 'stop', and back to a more direct and full awareness of the breath, some moments in there where it felt like the mind was almost going to stop.. or perhaps I cannot yet perceive the level of detail needed to see what remains in thinking...

55 min anapana, using some returning to 'now' and mind stopping as possible, stayed with the breath the entire time, Seeing how the mind stopping is a tool to develop the ability to see exactly what the mind is doing and pull it back. I am starting to see now that the 'stuff' that has always seemed to bother me is really nothing more than a mental habit, like an automatic daydream. I have noted this 'stuff' a million times and seen the three C's of it many many times, but never focused on trying to actually retrain the mind to stop producing it, and it seems to be working slowly. Feels like good practice right now.