Bill H Practice Log

had done another 55 min anapana last night with DW, in our new meditation space - had been irritated earlier and it took some time to find ans stick to the object, but near the end there was some remarkable stability which arose.

55 min anapana, finding the object of the nostril breathing is becoming easier to find in a stable way - it seems to me that there is some sort of benefit to picking one object and staying with it, where sensitivity to that region develops in some way over time. just doing my best to stay rooted to that spot in the end of the nose, feeling the sensations there, very calm sit this morning, mind not very unruly as it sometimes likes to be in the morning.

Looking forward to the weekend - I should be able to get 4-6 hours per day in, hopefully.

55 min anapana, very calm, staying on the spot at the end of the nose where breathing sensations come and go, some sleepyness. Heh - I guess concentration can be very... uneventful at times.

35 min anapana tonight, emphasizing continuity, could feel just on the edge of excitement trying to lengthen the perfect continuity - can see how that is important although I think I will try a softer effort next time.

55 min anapana, fairly calm, mostly solid but fell off the object a few times, some drifting towards the end, some small current of anxiety, felt like it was due to trying/worrying about making progress...

Hi Bill, I'm so curious. Why always 55 mins?
(Because it reminds me of my sits before when I always gave up 3-5 mins before the bell)

Its because my lunch break is an hour and I need time to write this down, just got used to it @ 55... Kind of funny.

55 min anapana, inclined the mind to infuse the breath with pleasure and it seemed to work, made the object easier to stick to, more vivd and exciting, the mind drawn more towards it instead of slapping the mind on the breath and watching it squirm off. Curious.

55 min anapana, inclining the mind towards pleasure in the process of focusing on the object - seemed to work well to hook the mind in, a few distractions which go easier to turn away from, There were many times during the sit where I could sense that just sticking on the object in a continuous vivid way would produce more pleasure but the mind did not let that happen, like seeing paradise on the other side of a doorway and not quite knowing how to go through to the other side...

55 min anapana, very difficult to stay on the object for more than a half minute or minute at a time - some stuff happening at work that has been sticking/looping strongly in the mind lately. Did manage though to incline towards the pleasure again and got into some very vivid pleasurable experiences of the breath, one of which seemed deeper, with hindrances supressed, from what I could tell.

55 min anapana, emphasis on stability, calm, mildly pleasant, on the object, fairly uneventful, noticing how pleasure is nice but I seem to prefer the quiet, looking to have both in balance so I generated some pleasantness but not too much...

30 min anapana, cut a bit short - ok but I think I got a bit ahead of myself, need to stick to stability until I can get to the point where I never lose the object, then work on clarity.. more later.

2x45 min anapana, not sure how but immediately found myself in what I think is 3rd nana, lots of tension fighting in the head, tingling and burning, some itching, lots of anxiety and aversion. Sort of floated around in that the first sit, coming back to the object and a few times saw the aversion and shrinking away self image, disembedded form it and things got a bit easier, still in the rough stuff the last sit but after a bit something clicked and I reliazed on a deeper level that I dont have to *do* anything with the unpleasant stuff, no need to get drawn into it or react to it in any way, and a good part of my aversion dropped, and the last 15 min or so concentration was a bit deeper, easier, and I dont think I let go of the breath for almost a ten minute stretch, not really caring that the tension was still there in the background (although a bit weaker, seems like the aversion amplifies it somehow)

55 min anapana - keeping the intent to stay with the object the whole time, noticing the 999 things the mind tries to do out of habit that are not staying eith the breath, dragging it back a few times but staying on most of the time. Calm, neutral mostly.

Think I may have slipped across A&P last night in a dream, and having some emo stuff occuring now that I normally associate with DN, not sure though. Had two dreams last night after falling to sleep trying to visualize a buddha, one of which was incredibly blissful, woke up and reflected on it, went back to sleep and then proceeded to have the most fearful experience I can ever recall having in waking or real life, waking up with so much fear it was causing a sound to occur in the mind, remembering my mouth opening and saying 'holy cow' or something like that.. Amazingly the fear left as suddenly as it arose and I went back to sleep without incident.

55 min anapana, calm, just trying to stay on, seeing many detours the mind takes, getting thrown a few seconds at a time here or there, seeing how self-doubt has become a mental habit, and worrying about not being able to stay on the object becomes a distraction in itself, which is amusing.

found a useful tip for doing anapana on the nose breath as I am doing - directing the attention to the spot by imagining looking at it (though not using the eyes of course). Seems to be more effective than the thought based 'intent' I was using to try to stay on the spot.

9x30 min anapana, brain was a 'stuff' and hindrance factory today, sat through all of it, trying to stay on the object without pushing anything away, keeping awareness wide enough to see what the mind was doing, widening the container.

had many instances of seeing mental processes hindering concentration, accepting and releasing the energy bound up by it, a few of them were fairly big rushes of energy in the head as the tension would release. Saw many times how the 'stuff' isnt the problem, its the belief that it shouldn't be there, the pushing away that creates the tension and suffering and pulls me off the object.. Had many difficult moments and many very calm, focused ones... Worth the effort.

going to add this: fallingleaveskungfu.com/content/6-rs-mindfulness-meditation

- this won't work well with a small pointed breath object, best done with the whole-body breath... Interesting. This ties into a few other things.

55 min 6R's, coming back to the breath/entire body, never got very concentrated as there was lots of stuff on the surface and tensions to relax when I got distracted but it was very very insightful. I saw a few different ways the mind creates suffering - how the thought of not wanting to feel fear, for example, causes tension and agitation to arise. Relaxing and smiling and going back to the breath in the body - doing this kind of practice makes it very clear how there is a direct correlation between wanting/not wanting and suffering and how the resistance to things holds the body tensions in place, and how when the tension is released a bit, the mind is more content to be present. What I find most interesting is how the full-bodied awareness and the intentional relaxing seem to clarify how the mind moves away from being here, somehow allowed me to see into what the mind was doing more clearly than usual.

Last night: 55 min 6R's with the DW, interesting its still difficult to get a solid hold on the whole breath-body yet all kinds of interesting insight keeps arising as to causes of suffering, this time having lots of 3rd nana-like tensions, but seeing into it and discovering a thought process causing the tension, recognizing the fact that the process is occuring and has taken over, relaxing and returning to the object - I am amazed. This stuff has been difficult for me for years and I have never before been able to really see into the causes like this. 'Oh - thats how I am causing this, how silly (drops for a minute)'..

55 min 6R's, coming back to the whole-body breath sensations, cycling through relaxing, self-metta or smiling, then back, each time getting a glimpse into what the mind was doing when I noticed something was off. Saw very clearly into the self doubt I have been carrying around for years, amazingly I could see the chain of causation more clearly than ever before, that before the self doubt arises indeed there is a craving FOR the self doubt that arises, to see it that clearly, and feel the craving for self doubt itself, somehow frozen in time for inspection. Relaxing again and back into the object - by the end much more clear and stable

"amazingly I could see the chain of causation more clearly than ever before, that before the self doubt arises indeed there is a craving FOR the self doubt that arises, "

Isn't it weird that we want what hurts?

Weird but liberating to see!

I found that becoming convinced that this process was utterly ridiculous (by seeing it over and over, and thinking about how pointless it was), and having that conviction stay in the background at all times, helped me stop doing such things.

"55 min 6R's, coming back to the whole-body breath sensations, cycling through relaxing, self-metta or smiling, then back, each time getting a glimpse into what the mind was doing when I noticed something was off. Saw very clearly into the self doubt I have been carrying around for years, amazingly I could see the chain of causation more clearly than ever before, that before the self doubt arises indeed there is a craving FOR the self doubt that arises, to see it that clearly, and feel the craving for self doubt itself, somehow frozen in time for inspection. Relaxing again and back into the object - by the end much more clear and stable"

This is a really interesting insight. I tend to carry self-doubt around in a heavy way, but what I haven't seen clearly is the craving for it as you've described here. Sounds like I need to look closer...

55 min 6R's - a bit more stable on the object, calm but seeing that there are levels of calm that I haven't really been aware of, layers of it almost.. something would come up, I would notice it and release if possible or switch attention to calmness itself , calm the body and return. less eventful this sit than the last.