Bill H Practice Log

Its quite variable - sometimes off the cushion is very tough, sometimes not at all. This morning I had some extreme sadness off cushion for no apparent reason, yet after this noon sit I just felt 'burned' - like my nervous system couldnt take any more but I didnt really have much in the way of emotions or other stuff. I can say however that the off the cushion has slowly gotten better over the last year. A year ago I was constantly in turmoil off the cushion, so I would say thats a good thing. It also seems like I can handle much more in the way of unpleasantness off cushion. One thing that has been good for me is to not trust anything emotional in flavor coming out of my head(you would think reading this log that I haven't done a good job at this but you dont see the half of it!) - because I know its probably a passing storm. Usually that ends up being the case and I can avoid mucking my life up, which is good!

70 more minutes MM, needed it.

Started out in some really unpleasant territory, lots of tensions, familiar moving of the tension ball up the body over and over, almost a teeth chattering vibration going on, very harsh, just kept listening and surrendering as much as possible. After maybe 20 minutes or so there was a shift, some real surrender, and a good chunk of me became more OK with the sensations, which of course started to dissipate, there was a slow movement into more calm, openness and clarity of hearing and the body - at one point it felt like something was trying to fill every cell of the body, and I opened even more, and there was a pleasant burning inside the upper neck region for a few seconds, then more calm, then some harshness started coming back but it was only in certain areas of the head, around the cheekbones, almost painful, still listening. More difficult sensations creeping back in, but with a bit more acceptance and ease than I started.

15/40 anapana/MM
concentration felt more solid, continuous, easy to access, but I could feel nausea underneath everything as soon as I hit the breath.
MM was very different - started out with a certain amount of harshness, a faint vibration, with mostly openness, hearing, a mix of aversion and ease which slowly altered over the course of the sit towards more clarity and ease, although the harshness never really left, it was just attenuated. It seemed easy to access a wide open listening the whole sit - no energy rushes at all or 'events' or shifts really. A couple of times could feel some sensations moving around, pushing up inside the head somewhere.

I had this idea pop into my head today - not sure I will deviate from my current practice to try it but I figure I would put it here and someone else might take it and run with it...

What if one noted *only* the three C's?
'changing'
'not self'
'unsatisfactory'

Just a thought.. I may test this out someday, but not now.

15/40 anapana/MM
concentration solid, good, more pleasant than the morning.

MM started out with some unpleasantness in the background, but basically ended up the same as the morning sit. Mostly calm, got slowly clearer and calmer as the sit went on. Some boredom, a number moments where the clarity and directness seemed very high (for me), a bit of drifting, felt at times like I was almost just resting there. Vedana was more positive than the morning but not strong. Still some stuff being worked out in the cheekbones and neck but there was once a sensation of a rod of energy from the crown to the base of the neck solidifying, feeling whole somehow.

tried some more MM last night but somehow petered out after 25 min or so...

10/45 anapana/MM
threw in some noting of the three C's but that didnt seem to do much, concentration was pretty solid, still using that technique from EIS, breath got continuous on its own, effort minimal, no factors but felt like I was floating in space right next to the breath at the mouth opening.
MM seemed difficult, immediate tensions, bubbling tingles to energy rush a few times then calm and indistinct unpleasantness, then after a bit felt that mouth twisting/sadness, a bit later into some shaking unpleasantness, then seemed like I started cycling through all the unpleasant stuff over and over again, with a faint nausea underlying everything - similar to a few days ago but much milder in intensity.

10/45 anapana/MM
concentration OK, not as strong as the morning, some negative cycling going on in the background.
MM started in the depths of sadness, anxiety, despair, listening and surrender/allowing, continued to do this, things got a bit rough/shaky and then smoothed out about half way, then got calmer, more open, hearing wider and things started to get more on the side of hearing being primary and 'me' not being primary, more and more, stillness, listening. Slow shifting to more positive mindstates as the end approached.

55 min MM tonight, dove right in. Got into some tension and a strong release/tingle episode, then getting calmer and some shaking observer stuff, mildly difficult but not too intense, then basically was 'sailing in a sea of sounds' the rest of the sit, sometimes more or less clear, more or less calm. Just kept listening, openness, feels like hearing extends out quite a ways... Some odd pains, a few times I had a sharp sudden pain at the base of the neck, after which something worked its way up the neck into the head, and after a while I started to look at the strong tension that was building in the area between the third eye and crown, listening but glancing here and there in the mind to see what I was holding on to.. Listening got so deep this time a few times it felt like I was going to get swallowed up somehow, and there were sensations building up in the head, some sensation like I was about to be propelled into something unknown, which then faded.

10/45 anapana/MM
concentration OK but drifting, sleepy -
MM seemed to go the usual tensions/rushing/tingling/release/calm/then some indisctinct unpleasant stuff although did get mouth twisting tension and 'make it stop' despair in sequence, then some odd unpleasantness with that shaking observer feeling (its as if someone is shaking the camera?) - dropped into more listening, slowly calming down in the body, started to see more clearly how this is really about the mind functioning either out of thinking (the 'me') or the senses, some sort of surrender is slowly taking place as the listening gets stronger - I am more willing to get out of the way and when that happens there is just being here, simple, calm, listening, suffering much less - also noticing that awareness of thinking is getting a bit clearer - since I started this MM practice it has been harder to see the thoughts clearly (noting was better at that), but now its getting easier as well. Resistance to this moment is slowly being chipped away - and I can see now how holding onto my identities and stories, the very things I don't want to give up, keeps me in the loop of endless suffering. Keeping on...

55 min MM @ lunch. Felt ready to do it from the start, as I had been keeping it up in between somewhat...

Started out immediately pleasant, even though there were some tensions in the head, neck, there was a pleasantness coating everything, mild but there, after about 20 min or so there was some tension in the head/face that seemed unpleasant, but after a while it vedana evened out again, more towards the pleasant side. More open and calm, openness, well-being, listening, listening, eventually I noticed that there was a pleasant pool of sensation gathering at the crown, and as I went back into listening a few times it felt like listening was going to accelerate into something, again this sense that something out of control was about to happen, something unknown, but never did, kept back at listening, the sensations in the crown dissapated a bit, moving back into the face again, more calm, listening, and openness - had a bout somewhere in the middle with spacing out, daydreams and had to remember the basic technique. Continued with openness and listening, calm and mildly pleasant overall until the end. Thoughts weren't as clear I noticed as they seemed to be earlier.

something changed - two nights ago while sitting I had a couple of experiences of deep down surrender to sensory experience, where I could feel for a short time things goings from mind centered experience to listening, along with a sense of allowing this moment to be more important, some ego version of letting go but it felt more like a resolution. Ever since I have noticed an automatic ability to enter crisp, wide open listening, the MM positive mindstates seem stronger and the sense of 'me' seems lessened a bit. Interesting - it feels to me like this practice really builds on itself.
edit - also noticing that 'brightness' quality showing up in the other senses as well as hearing, sometimes colors are attractive, shapes/etc - looking at the sky yesterday with the sun coming through the clouds was breathtaking, something I usually ignore while driving home.

got put back in my place though - 55 min MM, started out with MM being accesible, wide, clear, positive, Then in the background felt myself moving through tension/tingles/energy surge pleasantness/calm, then some unpleasant stuff, but pretty soon I found myself cycling through all the DN again, over and over, getting stronger and stronger, found it difficult to allow/surrender, kept at it though - Vedana switched to primarily negative, listening was clear but openness wasn't very available, unable to surrender to the body very well but kept with the practice until the bell. Its interesting to see how the aversion causes contraction and suffering yet seems like a very ingrained habitual response...

did some MM noting with the workshop... I did notice how I have habitual conditioning where I get anxious around other people, like some sort of performance anxiety, noted allowing/release when that was there.
Also noticed how it *seemed* that when doing this in pairs the mental states support each other, and in a few instances things got quite a bit more spacious or open/vast than normally sitting alone, and had some positive state feedback going on between two people. Also noticed an immediate shift to a kind of perfection I dont normally feel as soon as I started listening to Vince/Kenneth talk about MM.

10/35 anapana/MM
concentration ok but noticed that the mind doesnt seem to want to be one-pointed at all, hearing seems to be there the whole time. Sit was similar to the morning, MM ok but very difficult sensations arising, release/surrender, noticing that the aversion arises whether I want it to or not, surrendering to that, listening again.

noticing that off the cushion this practice can go in a different direction, will have to see what causes it to fork one way or another, but off cushion I have been getting into very vivid (for me) states, colors are bright and interesting, having some brief periods of really being interested looking at everything around me, lost in wonder, being present in this way. No map movement detected when it does this off cushion for some reason. interesting - the noting required effort and desire off cushion to do it continuously but this practice contains a positive feedback that makes it easier to want to do...

shift from 85 wore off mostly, although the feeling remains that MM is more accesible than it was before. Interesting though

10/40 anapana/MM, concentration ok, some drifting but able to come back,
MM was interesting, no map movement, felt like I was in tensions all over the body the whole time, not too intense, kept listening, openness, surrender, even played with some vedana hacking which seems to be more effective than release/surrender at residing in the raw unpleasant sensation, almost like I see the sensation and note 'pleasantness' where there is none and the mental overlay on top of the sensations is attenuated and I can reside in them more clearly - there was a mild burning all over, and a very fine high frequency pulse all over, these sensations together the mind wanted to see as 'unpleasant' - kept listening, opening.

30 more MM @ beach, some difficult emotions, sadness, despair, listening, surrender, allowing, some sort of release near the end. Also think there must be some emotional stuff coming up because I am getting married next week - that would be normal

10/45 anapana/MM this morning.
concentration difficult, drifting and sleepy, some kind of harsh vibe under the surface,
MM - another one of those sits, MM not very available, felt an undercurrent of nausea the entire sit, went through some unpleasant states including the mouth twisting, and the despair/desire for escape, then a release, calm, and then drifting through cycling of unpleasantness, each time with a release at the end (right after the desire for it to end it seems), continued to listen and surrender as best was possible.

55 min MM @ lunch, tensions, slowly changed to bubbling, got a bit wild/energetic/tingling with some creepy crawlies on the scalp of the intense but mildly pleasant variety, massive surge of tingling w/ lessening of duality, then calm, then sort of plain for a bit until I had a strong painful tension rise up the throat throw the mouth area, into eyes and then another release, some calm, random unpleasantness I dont remember until there was a smoothing out, then more listening, clearer, a few times I almost absorbed into hearing, some drifting after a bit as effort seemed to get in the way and I let up a bit too much on the gas, more listening until the bell, calm, feeling sensations move their way up through different areas of the head to the top.
One thing I did differently to try and make the listening a bit more continuous was do the MM noting out loud for the first 10/15 minutes and this seemed to be effective at getting it done.

35 min MM, lots of strong tension moving around the head and neck the whole time, MM seemed not very accesible, did get an energy release and calm period about 10 minutes in but never felt any clear DN stuff, just lots of strong tensions stuck in middle of head, around eyes, cheekbones, neck, everywhere..... Hmm.

15/40 anapana/4F
concentration OK, feel like I need more again, did some 4F, tensions, building up, vedana changing to mildly pleasant but intense, tension in the head exploded into rushing tingles all over, sensations coming and going quickly, then calm for a short bit, nausea and tensions rising up the body, mouth twisting, eye tension, mild nausea the whole time. After a bit things got smooth, seeing images pasted onto bodily sensations in the head, unglomming a tiny bit and another release of tension, things calming out, smoother, open, hearing clear, hearing, feeling, tingling, hearing, rising, falling, Bell.

10/30 anapana/4f and ultrafast, concentration ok, noting OK, tensions, release/tinglerush, calm, nothing special then after a bit twisting mouth tension/sadness triggered by seeing through some piece of the self, playing with ultrafast, more vibratory, bell. Also noticed a fair bit of mild nausea during this sit, mostly the second half.
-aspiration low this week.

Interesting. I had a desire to do some regular 'hard' noting today, which I did, and I am discovering that I actually don't like not doing MM. I am starting to prefer the more natural , open state, which often is more positive in tone. After doing 4F's and ultrafast noting I feel contracted, sensations more harsh and the mind spins more stories because it isnt 'listening'.

15/40 anapana/MM
- switched to using thinking to enhance concentration. Felt very effective - concentration OK and felt mildly exciting, enjoyable.
MM started out with very quickly going from tensions/strong energy release/tingles/calm, some nausea and mouth twisting up to another energy releas and calm spot, all in the first minute. Found myself in very strong listening, openness, lots of mild well-being and joy, hint of perfection pervading everything, would occaisionally notice an unpleasant tension in the body that would come and go, felt like in the background I was cycling through quick sadness, nausea, despair, but it was more subtle than normal, sense of perfection didn't really get taken away. Had a few moments where the idea of someone being there to experience all this dropped a bit and experienced happening on its own, somehow perfect and rapidly changing, centerless experience. I dont think it was perfect but it is becoming clear that believing that there is someone experiencing all this creates suffering somehow. More calm, simplicity, just sitting there listening until the bell.