Bill H Practice Log

55 min anapana, using the mind stopping as well. very solidly on the object, getting very clear (for me), starting to have moments where I can feel the mind starting to lock-on, but not quite, feeling like the mind will get sucked into the breath in with some sort of excitement occuring, but never really happening though, yet. Just keepin on.

the stopping practice seems to be working still off cushion - its pretty good so far, seems to cause the chatter to get quiet, and produces some positive mindstates, seemingly even easier than MM did - there's something about the bigness of MM states that produces tension in my body whereas this one doesn't seem to do that. It seems also as if the mind stopping practice is assisting concentration in some way as well. Funny this is precisely the sort of idea I would have never thought to be useful in the past..

Thanks for these posts. I'll have to check out the practice thread on the DhO. Quieting the mind was a huge emphasis for me early on--back when I was in my 20s--because I was way into Krishnamurti, who constantly emphasized the power of a silent mind. But because I didn't really understand impermanence and the nyanas, of course, I ended up trying to clamp down and shoot for silence kind of at the expense of being with whatever was coming up, say, in the body, and I was largely unconscious of how much craving was involved in seeking after ideals like an utterly transformed brain and continually silent mind. (Not that K. wasn't pointing out these dangers.) Anyway, sounds like this practice is worth checking out...

sure - Its all a tool for me at the moment, on the way to improving concentration enough to get into the jhanas so I can do insight from there...

55 min anapana, mind a bit unruly for a while, stayed on the object 99% of the time, was able to catch the mind desiring to spin off into habitual self-doubt, stopping it and pulling it back... Amazed at the momentum some of these mental habits have after letting them do their thing for years.

The mind stopping seems to be losing effectiveness today, could be the extra unification from the weekend starting to fade...

55 min anapana, tougher than the morning to stay on object, some sleepyness, feels like I need to just simplify here and stay on the breath, let the mind stabilize on it.

55 min anapana, no mind stopping just an intent to rest in the simplicity of the breath in this moment, no past, no future, no need to worry - felt good but after a while I detected something running in the background as I got more relaxed, some sort of ill-will towards self, so I brought it out into the open by adding some LK verses to myself with the breathing, did many rounds of this, some memories and sadness coming to light during and a big energy release, felt like I was passing through a ball of some painful memory/conditioning, like going through it as if it was a physical object, and tingles all over - the whole time just doing my best to stay on the breath while doing the LK verses.

55 min anapana, kind of a rough ride. Lots of tension in the head, almost to the point of shaking, no way to calm it down which is OK, everything started to speed up and I think I crossed A&P unintentionally, tried to stay on the breathing although attention seemed to widen on its own. Tingly, lots of energy this sit.

30 min anapana, solid but still lots of tension, which was OK, also will start going to the gym and using the cycle there, while following the breath, which I find to be pretty good practice usually. Still amazed at how hidden routines running in the brain will sometimes reveal themselves when doing this practice, like waiting for the waves on the water to be still so you can see the fish beneath...

55 min anapana, getting more and more still, for me...Sit was enjoyable, mostly clear and object was consistent 99% of the time, near the end saw directly some 'stuff' that arose, was able to let it drop, continued with a stronger sense of confidence and ease. Again marveling at the habit patterns in the mind that become clear when I get focused and still, and how they are seen bit by bit for what they are, and weaken.

55 min anapana, mind/body tired from 4 hour bike ride earlier, lost the breath a few times, stayed on it but was sleepy, mind fairly daydreamy, but was able to stay on the object. I will try out using binary noting off cushion to see how it works.

55 min anapana, mind very difficult this time, felt like I hadn't done any concentration the last month at all, storms of self-doubt, noting thinking and staying with the breath, didnt feel like it was a real object, the mind not very clear.

Isn't it the pits that you'll get socked with a sit like that after feeling for some time that you're making progress! Oh well, it happens, I guess. All the best to you.

Thanks - its good to see how much I expect things to be a certain way, and good to see what effects the practice. I am pretty sure that the workout I did yesterday had an effect...

55 min anapana, better than the morning but nowhere near how the sits have been over the last week. More storms of self-doubt, trying to see the thinking and return.

The only constant in our practices seem to be impermanence! I often forget to see the wisdom in that, reading of others struggles it is easy for me to see, funny the way that works.

60 min anapana, followed by 5 min break and 55 min anapan, 5 min break then 30 min anapana with DW. (dear wife)
- The first half hour or so was very pleasant, almost exciting, and this continued for varying degrees the rest of the time I sat, there was a period where it was just calm, neutral, but I would say 2/3 of the time it was pleasant, sometimes I was actually moving pleasant energy around in the body, and near the end there was a moment where it felt like I was going to explode with rapture but fortunately that didn't happen because I imagine it would have made quite a mess ;p

55 min anapana, some sort of mild anxiety running the whole time, staying with the breath and noticing the belief that something needs to be done, fixed, that I can't stay with the breath because I need to 'do something' with the anxiety - coming back to the breath, never completely losing it.

55 min anapana, mind all over the place, difficult to stay on target... Funny I think I had an identical sit a week or so back, let me check,

-yep, indicative of dukkhaville. That 'explosion' last night was probably an A&P - I recall having lots of strange fearful and other odd stuff coming and going later that evening.

2x30 min , tried anapana but felt like a volcano of energy stuck in the head, harsh vibrations, unable to stay on object so switched to noting, noticing aversion images, vibrations, desire to get away, tension, etc - got calm after a while of seeing all the stuff as not me, a few times felt like I was going to vibrate right off the cushion...

55 min anapana, some residual anxiety and aversion, stayed on the breath and did 'loving, embracing' on the body sensations as they were noticed. Seemed to allow the aversion to come up and be seen more as a dream fragment, concentration more stable, somewhat relaxing.

55 min anapana, very difficult. Vibrating, strong aversion and desire to get away, despair, staying with the breath trying to cultivate surrender and acceptance. May have to switch back to 100% noting if this keeps up... plans of mice and yogis..

I'd say switching up is not the strategy you should use right now. I think you'd be best to keep doing what you are doing and remember that the difficult stuff cannot be avoided if you wish to continue moving forward.

Just my opinion.

thanks - I needed to hear that.

another 30 min anapana, still difficult, desire for escape, aversion very strong, tensions extremely strong feeling like the head is going to pull apart, just letting it all be there and coming back to the breath.

thanks Mu.

55 min anapana, intense anxiety underneath, staying with the breath, near the end the anxiety broke open to reveal intense self doubt looping in the background and the anxiety was caused by aversion to it, the aversion was occuring so quickly that it was causing the sensations to have a vibratory feel, like a part of the brain was doing one thing and another supressing it, completely outside of my awareness....getting a bit more calm near the end.