Bill H Practice Log

15/40 conc/Noting outloud freeform, got to wide open, more clear space after about 15 min noting then it seemed like I was going to go through some emo stuff (felt like DN cycle a few times but lightly), then some 'stuff' came up, memories and feelings from long ago, noting all of it. Feels to me like the deeper stuff is getting weaker and awareness is coming closer and closer to being fully throughout the entire 'head' area - there are still spots where self-images and sensations in the head are tangled together and it takes a while noting to split them apart..

lots of nausea and aversion off cushion for a while noting it while driving, another 15/40 conc/noting out loud, lots of stuff, mostly negative, to note. Nausea, tensions, aversion, some self-hurtful intentions, every so often widening, opening, release, tingling, pushing up in the crown..

yesterday did two 15/40 sessions, the second one was noteable as I suddenly 'remembered' how I used to concentrate to get access-like concentration, pleasure, windows rolled up, nimitta /etc.. I remember being able to do it *before* I started noting and crossed A&P but I havent been able to do it since. Apparently the circuit was still there just somehow forgotten. I got in and out of what I would consider light access a few times during the concentration portion of the second sit and it made the noting pretty powerful. I was amazed at how I was suddenly seeing subtle visual thoughts as thoughts, able to note them as they occured. I know how I concentrated and its odd that I haven't done it that way yet - perhaps I had convinced myself it was the wrong way to concentrate? Odd...

Just for the record the method I used that I 'remembered' involves trying to find the real object, the direct experience of the object. The intent it to push aside/through any layers of thought to 'touch' the real object, and when I do this the object is still, mysterious, and a part of me is left dumbfounded by this experience of the object. All I have to do is keep touching it directly, and it gets very bright and the mind and distractions start to recede as it takes up more bandwidth. There is a very strong sense of knowing that I am not my thinking, and the mind doesn't seem to have a job.

15/40 and 15/25 later, lots of off cushion, got so tired and dreamy during second sit I was dropping out, warping notes...

amusingly tried the same concentration method today but didn't get very far with it - these things go in cycles regardless I suppose.

15/40 in the AM, 25/40 this evening. Second sit I didn't feel very concentrated yet during the noting seemed to get to a place where for a few times, a few seconds each time everything was just being noticed in space, no reactions to what was arising. Very wide, lots of stuff going on in the head, pushing out, had a long period of very pleasant vibrating pressure pushing up and filling the whole crown area and the top of the head, some sort of feeling like I was going to explode like a volcano or that something was about to happen. This backed down at some point and there was a rushing tingling period where sensations came superfast, almost felt A&P ish, or more like a energy release, could be either...

Flavor of the sit is the usual, for me its been a slow washing machine of not-to-hard-to-note dukkha and then opening into wider, clearer space then suddenly finding myself going through another cycle of dukkha. Not sure if that is the grey area between 10th and 11th or if Re-Ob has its own equanimity -like pause in its own repeating.... Meh.

15/40 this Lunch, will do more in a bit...

Discovered this thread on MCTB www.dharmaoverground.org/web/guest/discu...ards/message/3628416

Now this is curious as I know the one for attaining 5th Jhana works because I've accidentally done it for a few seconds but my ideas were all wrong. I've always assumed jhana was a result of concentration, but indeed if it is just a certain mode of the mind that is conducive for absorption/concentration then this thread suggests that you need to tune to that mode and then stay on the qualities of that mode (strata).. The idea turns the whole thing on its tail for me - I will have to play around with it and see how it works. Half the time when I try to do anapana Im having harsh vibrations or something else going on, never occured to me to try and solidify those things.

copy of my reply over at MCTB...


I spent about a half hour going up the arc with these instructions..

Amazing - it actually works. And this from a guy with a notoriously unsteady attention!

What is interesting is it gets harder as I go up - each strata becomes successively more difficult to hold on to, is less stable. I was able to get to 5th and maybe get a feel for what 6 would be, 7th/8th no way. 1st was amazingly easy to find using the pointer, although the rapture seemed a bit rough, and curiously I could just 'turn on' the rapture/joy of A&P and tune into it, although it was harder to stay on it than 1st. The bliss of 2nd though felt stronger, almost too much (just hook it to my veins lol) - Much more relaxing to move up from there. 1st was the narrowest, with the 'area' of focus seemingly just head sized maybe, 2nd felt like much of the body but not fully, just the center column of the body perhaps, 3rd was the whole body but seemed to be more like just the surface, not as clear what was going on inside, 4th was panoramic, like relaxing behind everything, sense of neutrality to the 'clouds' was apparent, 5th was expansive beyond this, fewer mind/body objects like they get small or something, not sure. I'm not sure I really got sixth - tried to superimpose mind on space but that seemed more like a fantasy, tuned into quality of 'mind' but not sure about that one, maybe a whiff of it. 7th/8th no idea, I probably haven't opened up that territory yet

....cont

3rd seemed more difficult to find - even than something that felt like 4th, although I think I got a few seconds of a harder taste of 3rd, like feeling the skin all over the body at once in a 'cool' way although it is apparent to me the coolness is vibratory/misty (hard to solidify?) - It seemed easier to remember the fuzzy/misty body quality of dissolution and focus on that - I will have to play with the vibrations next time. and see how that goes.

15/30 conc/noting out loud all over, went up 1, 2, 3, 4th using method above, couldn't hold onto 4th then went back down to light 3rd and started the note, seemed like I would cycle aversion states over and over then pop into a space were I was more OK with it, got a clear quiet space for a while then back into the dukkha washer.. One thing though I will say is there is much more neutrality built into the noting now than there was last year... Aversion image thought, contraction around mouth, etc can be seen in real time and don't get reacted to as much.. Did notice that doing the superlight jhanas made the noting much faster, more intense - my mind could note faster than normal, got to 2/sec outloud for a bit. Seems like a fun way to get more concentrated.

15/40 conc/noting outloud all over... up the arc, seemed like a really weak 2nd was as high as I coudl take it, so stayed down in 1st j territory, lots of pleasure and then noting, went pretty quickly through a weak A&P, some dukkha stuff then went back and forth from some aversion to a very open space, some boredom noted, aversion every so often but not sticky, lots of space, noting it for a while, noting all sorts of sensations in the head, none of which are really an 'observer' though catching glimpses of thoughts implying that were so.. felt like I was adrift in the middle of sensations for a short while.. This time most of the noting was spent in open space, less aversion, only a few times did it seem to crop up and noting it seemed effective.

15/30 conc/noting, stayed in 1J territoory a while, seemed to get close to absorption, then weak 2nd, hard time finding third, 4th there but iffy, 5th seemed more solid, a few seconds at a time, could see how as I do this the sensation patterns in the body and head align themselves in ways I am familiar with through the noting practice.. whiff of the edge of 6th (maybe), noted and seemed to be noting space for a bit then spacious, wide, accepting back to some unpleasant stuff - I have been only noticing fearful iimages and that funny mouth scrunching stuff along with instability/shaking in this 're-ob' mode... Went up again into more open for a while then seemed to spin in the re-ob washing machine a bit longer. Seems to be easier and easier over time to be there...

Felt like I was close to getting a bit harder on the 1J this time.. The factors seem easy to bring up but aren't very strong and absorption is basically nil in any of the jhanas except for the odd second here or there. I think It may be productive to some extra time fleshing out the first until it gets harder, so I can move up the line, etc..

about an hour of samatha, trying the 1J pointer, funny I can get factors for first to arise for a while but no stability on object, no absorption... Very pleasant experience of tuning into and trying to be absorbed into sense of effort without ever feeling like the object was stable or still. Funny thing happened at about 40 min or so something shifted and it felt to me like I was in a very boring, clear space, sounds just sounds, just sitting there, mind not wanting to do anything, had to coax it back a few times, switched to a candle for ten minutes for fun to see how it would behave, noticing inability to sustain eyes on the object, some inherent jumpyness there.. mostly pleasant still. Will have to try this again soon to see how it develops.

40 min outloud noting, all over, seemed to either start up in high DN or possibly move up very quickly, I couldn't be sure, went through 3-4 maybe cycles of unpleasant stuff, got to more boring open space, space behind everything, remembered to note everything and noted OKness, peace, contentedness, even noted the 'space' and the 'space' behind everything, and it became more direct, like looking at everything on a plate glass in front of your nose, noted that, a few times a sense of acceleration and anticipation, but just stayed in that place..

recollecting post 337 I think what actually happened is that I couldn't stay in the territory of first for very long and ended up in third, as I recall the space I ended up in was very clear, mind still, faint happyness, coolness on the skin, attention going out but not panoramic... sense of effort almost totally gone and difficult to bring up... Next time I will just ride things as they change instead of trying to force things.. - sort of a 'ride up and down the arc of fun' instead of 'make it be the way I WANT' ...

15/40 conc/noting outloud all over, stayed in my super rough 1J territory in concentration, pleasurable, object settling somewhat after 10 min, noting was a bit odd as I clearly went all the way up through light rushing/tingling A&P ish to wide open space, expansion, clarity, noting peace and calm, but I never noticed more than a few DN sensations, and they were almost neutral when they arose. Last ten minutes noting observer thoughts, space, peace, calm, etc..

15/25 conc/noting at lunch, got extremely sleepy and decided to play with a kasina after the noting session...

Was playing with concentration on the trainer (bike in my living room) while exercising. Noticed that I can use the 1J pointer to fabricate pleasure, and that it can be merged somehow with the breath, when keeping the breath object in the center of a wider scope of awareness where the pleasure is felt at the same time... Got the breath to trigger pleasure this way, object got very bright and pulsing with excitement for a small bit - I will have to play with that again next time. I remember being in a strong jhana years ago and thats what it was like, as if piti had merged with whatever object I was looking at and as long as I kept paying atttention the state kept going...

15/40 conc/noting, started with kasina but after a minute that didn't feel right so switched to 1J pointer, very pleasant indeed although not very clear, object a bit vague.. Noting rushing/tingles after a few minutes then slowly becoming more open and calm, peaceful, more and more over the course of the sit. near the end noting a knot in the head with tension and aversion, wide container, never really felt anything DNish.

15/40 at lunch, anapana into noting - seemed fairly normal, do remember getting stuck in lazy/dreamy lots afterwards the rest of the work day...

Had a good session with Ron - slowly starting to see through my own desire to 'figure it out on my own' - it is super important and useful to keep in touch with a teacher who knows their stuff.

two sits of 15/40 as usual - didnt get to posting until now, don't remember much out of the usual pattern except that concentration seems to be improved, just gently holding the breath and pleasure arises in less than a minute. Will be interesting to see how that develops.

15/40 this AM, pleasurable on the breath nostril-tip. I find that making sure the entire body is felt allows the pleasure to feedback into the concentration, and I dont get in my own way bearing down on the object as is my past habit. I almost couldn't tell where A&P was, got in lots if shaking and re-ob washing machine dukkha stuff, then after a while everything got still and quiet, very wide, just here sort of feeling, still noting it... Felt deeper in that place than I can remember, after a while falling back into aversion, seeing clearly how the mind is clinging to images of a self, noting some sorrow and mourning/desire for that image, that mental process - like some sort of drug everyone has been hooked on, as if DN is like going through ego-withdrawl symptoms

"Felt deeper in that place than I can remember, after a while falling back into aversion..." -WSH3

Nice. See also if you can feel compassion for the aversion. Everyone feels aversion; it's the human condition to move away from threat, and unpleasant sensation is the body's way of communicating a potential threat. You can feel compassion for that, for yourself and for everyone who has the blessing and misfortune to be born as a human. It's beautiful to see the world through this lens and even aversion can be a reminder to soften. Humanity is worthy of compassion. You are worthy of compassion.

good way of looking at it - yes.

did another sit yesterday as usual, didnt log it.

Switched things up a bit this AM, did 30/25 instead and got a bit more collected on thje breath than usual, maps went faster, A&P in the first minute I think, spent a few minutes in washing machine re-ob, noticing how the mind is jumpy and shaking, stuff happening in all random directions, then up to stillness, calm, pleasant warm tingling in the crown, no roughness anywhere, wide and just here, noting, stayed there perhaps 5-8 min then felt it go back down, fairly clearly went right back all the way down, felt A&P in reverse very clearly which is unusual for me, decided to stop at the bottom instead of go another round up the arc. Usually I don't make it back down during the sit and I 'drift' back down over hours afterwards instead, sometimes getting stuck in a few places along the way...

lunch sit as usual yesterday,

one 15/40 this AM before the big ride.. Good way to start the day. Later I was on my bike in the middle of the sufferfest and started playing with different meditations... Interestingly when things are really on the difficult end of the spectrum the noting is the only thing I can do. Really adds space around all the stuff going on.