Jacki's journal

It's very easy to over-evaluate our progress. Best is to confirm any significant changes with your teacher or someone else who can talk to you in person and knows your practice history in more depth/over time.

That said, I'm super happy that you are having some moments where you feel connected and some insight into your own patterns, as I think those provide a lot of encouragement. Your enthusiasm for practice is commendable, really.

When we start to practice it's all about the cool experiences. Experiences are signposts on the path, for sure, but they're not ultimately the reason we practice. The danger is that in practicing for the experiences, in attempting sometimes to recreate them, we judge our practice based on the appearance/non-appearance of various fun, exciting phenomena. It's hard to figure but really, any practice experience is about as "good" as any other. So sometimes in trying to make things happen we may actually hinder the process.

Sorry to be a downer but I see a fair number of sidetracked yogis.

giragirasol.... i think over-evaluation is definitely the thing here... i think it is partly because the map is so specific about what happens that we expect that we should know where we are, as it were. actually i kind of vaguely know where i am, but you have to be careful what you write here on the forum, because they want hard facts and not musings. it's my own doing because i haven't written about the detail in my noting sessions. the main reason for this is that i don't actually remember very well the flow of noting after the event.

chris... i like your willingness to be blunt. i find it helpful. not many people are prepared to be blunt like that. but you know, there is kind of a reporting bias operating here. you see, because i have difficulty remembering my noting sessions and easily remember "exciting" things, i report the latter and not the former. i do my fair share of sessions that go.... hearing, hearing, touching, warmth, planning thought and so on. i know though that the pattern of the noting helps to indicate things. i tend to remember patterns if they reoccur enough times; and so thus i speculate.

plus beth has been helpful in giving me a better understanding of where i might be so things might be less speculative than it seems.

OK, i've said enough. thank you to those of you who read my practice notes and give me feedback. it is very instructive and very helpful.

I wasn't meaning to be blunt, really, just honest in assessing what I see -- many who meditate seem to get get sidetracked by the habit of judging every session as "good" or "bad" when really any session is worthwhile and valuable. There are also times when what we think is "bad" is actually the best thing to have happen to us, on or off the cushion.

Thanks for understanding.

.

I m just as guilty as any at doing over-analyzing where I may be on the path. I think we have all done it. It's just the type of people we are that drew us here in the first place. However helpful the maps are, they can be a real bear if you focus on them too much. Also, some people fly through certain nanas without hardly ever noticing them or realizing them in the same ways that they are written, while others get slammed by more intense experiences (good and bad). It looks more clear in retrospect after a path, but for me at least, gets a bit confusing again as more and more unfold. However, lately I have been focusing on the experience and not on where in 'this experience' I may be because that's what it is about anyways.

coolness
hearing
tension
slow pulsing (visual)
flickering (light and forehead sensation)
joy
tension
itching
uncertainty
remembering thoughts, mapping thoughts
fear
lights
relaxing
no pain
smooth visual field (soft black up top, glowing down bottom)
more light/forehead flickering
lost a bit in la-la land

something like that. trying to remember the general noting gist.

want to confess to a new exploration and love for adyashanti, and especially nirmala (see "that is that", youtube videos), also others like alan chapman.

i haven't been reporting for a while. haven't been noting very much. i'm not sure why, but seemed to reach a point where it no longer made sense. but feel i'm moving back towards it now.

1hr conc,
1/2 hr noting (it's all i can face of it at the moment).

seeing, hearing, itches, doubt thought, mapping thought. (this was basically the content of the noting).

i guess i'm feeling a bit of doubt, ok a lot of doubt, about whether it is really possible for me to progress.

did a weekend samatha course led by venerable antonio satta. it was great to listen to someone who speaks the same sort of language in terms of buddhism and practice. he's going to do a weekend on noting in july so that will be good.

OK so i went through some heavy dark night stuff for a few hours on sunday on the retreat. a bit of disgust and misery and so on.

have just now re-read the "re-observation" stage bit of MCTB and the "rolling up the mat stage" sounds awfully true to form. i haven't really properly, consistently, meditated for a few weeks. i did samatha on the retreat and that was really good. to sort of get me going again. DI talks about being stuck between can't go back and can't go forward. And acceptance is the lesson.

Glad to see you back. Keep sitting!

Ok so practice has shifted toward advaita. i've listened to a lot of adyashanti, nirmala, sailor bob adamson. reading as well. also noting, but not "on the cushion". yesterday at my zen thing i got into an awful place that's been hanging around my neck. it seemed humiliating but i imagined that i had really bad breath and that anyone vaguely near me was having a hard time meditating because it was so bad. i also imagined that when i'd been meditating i had been speaking my thoughts without realising it and everyone was like wondering how they were going to tell me to shut up. similar thoughts in other sits of things that seem really humiliating at the time (not so much later). a lot of suffering. but then today i'm all a bit distant from everything and not feeling things so much. when i walk around or at different times i note. it is helpful and i think fits in well with advaita practice.

Jacki - I'd just be cautious that you have a tendency to bounce around (see various of our encouragements to stabilize your practice back on the early pages of this journal just two months ago), so don't let that be a trap for you. Especially for someone with a tendency to bouncing around and being a little dramatic (if I may be honest), it's really helpful to counteract it with a very steady, disciplined and systematic practice rather than encouraging the bouncing around. Good luck.

"Jacki - I'd just be cautious that you have a tendency to bounce around (see various of our encouragements to stabilize your practice back on the early pages of this journal just two months ago), so don't let that be a trap for you. Especially for someone with a tendency to bouncing around and being a little dramatic (if I may be honest), it's really helpful to counteract it with a very steady, disciplined and systematic practice rather than encouraging the bouncing around. Good luck."

Thanks - I'm grateful for that.

1 hr conc
lots of satsang
45min noting

my way of thinking is that as long as i do my 45min of noting, whatever else i do is kind of like my free fun time.

1hr conc
satsang
45min noting

Nice work. What's happening with the noting? What are you experiencing?

Thanks Laurel.
I'm not terribly good at remembering my noting. It takes quite an effort to put it into memory for later. In this particular sit, I was in jhana and didn't experience much beyond the sensations associated with that.

however i do often slip into nana territory from jhana which for me has recently involved thoughts of embarrassment, scared for my children such as imaging one of them being killed, angry thoughts. but also just mulching around in a moving space with changing light patterns. there's also pleasure happening in there too. some joy and so on.

yesterday i did the same routine but stayed out of jhana while doing the noting part. this might be a better plan until i can be really stable in jhana. i experienced lights doing a lot of different things and some bodily pain and a little bit of itching and not much more than that.

did i 1-day goenka thing today. had some OK samatha (but not brilliant) in the morning anapana session. in the afternoon, major back pain (this is nothing surprising, my back has been a problem for ages). used noting in the afternoon. noticed some disgust. had some difficult thoughts arise. generally it was pretty hard to concentrate. noting not really on the ball.

[note --- tentative and reserve right to change mind at any time]

I've just been reviewing my posts here. I probably have no clue, but here goes.

I'm reasonably confident that back on March 18 (post 77), there was probably an A&P. Right now, I am in DN.

Prior to that, it is possible that ....

Jan 9A&P (before I came on this site, see description in post 45)
Feb 26 stream entry (post 38)

edit: some hedging removed

from yesterday -- 2 hrs concentration, 40 min noting.

concentration very wafty, which is why i did it for so long. took more than an hour before it got quiet up there in my head. noting was uneventful. mainly just physical sensations and noting them. my back has been so bad that i have been meditating in bed. so back didn't give me any trouble.

today i've done my concentration practice. for 1 and half hours. head wafty and nice feeling. but thoughts so wafts too that they seemed to blend into the background and i didn't notice them until they had run for ages. so got into very little samatha.

had some arising of yucky thoughts (death of a son again... jeez i hate that one).

more generally, lately, i've been put face to face with some deep personal issues with other people. it's hard stuff. i feel though that some of it has been peeled back. a few days ago i woke up feeling great and had this new sense of realising the feelings of others. it's not like i don't love people and stuff but i'm a self absorbed person. having that wall kind of come down a bit i suddenly realised that i had not seen some things from the side of the other person and how could i have not noticed before. not in the way of being self critical but really in just becoming aware of something.

i feel too so aware of the ego. writing in a journal like this is kind of egoic and sort of painful. it feels fine today though which why i'm here.

just a comment too that all the sort of energy things i've had have gone. it wasn't that long ago i had a headache everyday. i rarely see much of my old krya, head flipping a bit but that's about it. things are a little cooler and a little easier. even though these challenging thoughts arise, they don't seem as painful as they might. i used to experience terrible suffering with thoughts of my issues with a few people.

Are you still working with a teacher, Jacki? Are you finding that helpful?

yesterday's sits... (lying down)

concentration, can't remember how long. not much concentration but some jhanic states.

45 noting.
mind wandering
oral discomfort
sore muscles, change position
agitation. get up to get pen and paper so i can write down some noting as i go.
itchy
relax
red glow
itchy
sniffing
relax
absorption
touch, hearing lots of times
slow pulses
soft & quiet light
pulsing
excitement
distracted
discomfort
panic
face pressure
distracted [time up]

today's sits. (lying in bed because of sore back)

1hr and a bit (non) concentration this morning. brain felt very wide and clear this morning. but when i tried to meditated it didn't translate into good samatha.

35 min noting just now.

settling in
mouth uncomfortable
hearing, seeing, touching (repeat as necessary)
uncertain thoughts, vagueness, mapping thoughts
pulsing
mouth uncomfortable
breathing anxiety
pulsing
cold
forehead tension
more lights
pleasant
cloudy
suddenly large area of white brightness & eye flickering with build up of pressure inside forehead, squeezed and then popped producing burst of mental bliss with glowing redness behind eyes. bliss spread into body. heart feels jolted, nervous system a little shaken.
sort of popped and spat me out to lie still and recover.

approx 1 and 1/2 hr meditation tonight. 45min noting, 45 min concentration + other

the noting was mainly see, hear, touch... had some experiences of pain, pleasure, planning thoughts. clarity and field of view increasing though sit.

sat quietly in clarity at the end of noting session/start of concentration session. but chatter started, wandering mind.... field of view shrinking... so decided to start noting again... noted distracted thoughts and forgetting to note, pain. very wandering mind. very pleasant.

got quite concentrated again eventually so stopped noting in order to watch sensations closely. experienced quite a bit of flickering eyes and pressure behind eye balls. thinking this must be related to jhanic shifts or something.
observing inner sensations that occur inside head and down into neck/body. noticed the innate existential fear from which we constantly seek distraction. ended with meditation on death (repeating to self, i will die, imagining self as one of many arising and passing temporary expressions of life). this cheered me up. no, really. it's painful at first when part of you begins to actually accept that it is true but it frees you up if you stick with it and you end up smiling.

first session with ron. helped me figure out about jhanas. also explained how low equanimity is a bit nothing-ish which explains recent sits. feel very encouraged.

hour long noting session this morning.

didn't want to do noting, a strongish aversion before starting.

experienced some discomfort and difficult thoughts (i.e. concerning my "issues") bubbling to the surface (this is happening a lot lately, things i had completely forgotten about!) and anxiety about not getting enough air; thoughts became very slippery and somehow hard to catch early, so lots of wandering mind; after 30 min shifted into calm quiet stillness. things slowed down and went quiet so it seemed a bit jhanic as well. sensations became clearer and thoughts stopped wandering. a soft warmness arose a couple of times. planned to stop at 45mins but it was nice so kept going for 1 hour.

however towards the end of sit, discomfort and wandering thoughts came back.

some general comments. recently i've noticed when meditating that somehow my vision is more vivid, sharper. No big deal just something i noticed. also, i've been watching tv a bit, which i just have not been doing. maybe it's part of the avoidance of noting thing. one more observation. on friday arvo when i was with the kids i seemed to be going into concentration easily while with them. later on that evening while watching son1 doing martial arts, i kind of shut my eyes at let the amazing cacophony of sounds and other stimuli wash over me. it was like watching the choppiness of the mental impressions of these various inputs, changing really quickly. nice...

will try to squeeze in another noting session later today to keep the momentum going.