Jacki's journal

who would have thought a meditation session could be like a journey or adventure.

60 min mid morning

some yoga prior to sit.

sit down to very nice clarity. then some discomfort, cold from fan, sore knee. get up and then sit down again.
straight into a lovely clarity. i haven't felt clarity for a while i think. peaceful subtle sort of joy. just sitting there. very nice. about 15 mins.

then head twists slightly down and to right. kriya is on.

flicks trunk backwards then flips neck back. hold there for a while. try to get up, flicks me back again.

various kriya stuff. end up flicked forward. notice sharp head pain again in small location, front left. realise that each time kriya puts me forward like this, or back, get this pain (slightly different locations each time but same sort of area). then fuzziness in head and tiredness and need to rest. if i try to stop resting and get up, it flicks me back.

maintain a decent sort of awareness through this. thinking of three characteristics etc a bit while i'm flopped forward.

towards end of session sit up to good feeling. often towards end of session, get a break where feel good and kriya is done for a bit.

noticed i was in a different sort of mental space than i've been before.. the light coming in through leaves looked sort of plump and nice. then head twists softy left and down and sits there.

buzzer goes off, and i get up. notice that i am aware of all around me. feel joy. then feel like my kriya wants me to turn to the right so i start spinning around to the right. its trying to drill me into the ground and have me experience every direction around me.

after i while, i told it, "enough!" and went to lie on my bed. then had urge to roll to the right. so rolled across bed to other side.

got up shortly afterwards.

still feeling gentle elation.

had a long sit last night 1hr 40min. thought i'd give the kundalini thing a chance to do the work it needs to do. so a very physical time it was. stretched in various ways. periods of face planting with accompanying headache and lethargy.

still trying to note

1hr 20 min sit. (20 yoga prior to this)

started sit and soon thereafter ended up scrunched up in a ball doing some kind of strange heavy breathing and rolling back and forth along spine.

then, after maybe 10 minutes of that, i was layed out flat on my back. once i recognised that i was in a sense trying to leave my body, due to an aversion or something, i let myself settle back into my body. then the strange breathing stopped and then had a long meditation on my back. my stomach muscles felt smooth and silky, softly elastic. i hadn't felt this before. i was in a mind state feeling quite steady and nice there (not big wow bang nice ... more subtle) without physical discomfort. explored my mental space. looked wide with my eyes then kind of back into my head. i wanted to see further back so i sent my attention back a bit. it felt very good. just looking around, seeing if i could find "i". having what felt like profound thoughts, realisations. did this for ages.

as i sit writing this (straight after meditation) my kriya is influencing me but this wasn't the case at all back on the floor.

did a lot of practice today. tired this morning after rising, went back to bed. lights flashing in eyes while sleeping. slightly erky strange dream. reminded me of a fully disgusting dream i had recently. seem to be hung up on looking for clues as to where i am on the map. never mind! it's all just so fascinating.

slept til lunch time. for rest of day either practiced, read stuff on computer or slept. i think 4 meditation sessions. mostly nice and long. followed by naps to let it all sink in.

seem to need to go through a bit of merky stuff to get to the clearer, more pleasant mental states. in the merky state, the kriya is more prominent. it has settled down a lot. today more like swooping-swaying, ending in a little jiggle from side to side. my kriya is fixing up my body for better posture and meditation position. thanks, kriya.

integrating yoga before sit from lessons learnt from kriya.

not always do yoga beforehand. tonight i didn't. was able to kind of "step over" the erky state of mind (in which brain is merky, get headaches, and also, which i forgot to mention before, get songs playing over and over... "candy, candy, candy, i can't let you go. all my life, you're haunting me, i love you so". been listening to this one for days.

anyway, a few interesting phenomenon arose but i'm too tired gotta go to bed. good night, see you next time.

woke up early then slept in again till midday. woke to a dream image of a very vile nature. nerves have that rattled feeling about them, same as yesterday. the vibrations running through the nervous system. and corresponding jaggard visuals. i haven't been paying as much attention to visuals lately. they're kind of a distraction. and generally trying to worry less about remembering what happens so i can write it here. i want to write it here but it's a bit of a distraction doing lots of rehearsing thoughts. (taking mental notes).

15 yoga
2 hr session
long session but i just really want to get this out of my system. for the first hour, sitting on chair. not much concentration at all. counting 1 to 10 over and over. check clock - 45mins. i hadn't set a timer or a specified time in my mind so i decided to suffer through the next 15 and make it a neat hour.
about 1 min before hour finished, felt some peace ... finally access concentration or a jhana or whatever it was. still wandering mind, not good at noting.
so i decided to keep going... once in that state, kriya started. just gently rocking me a bit. it wanted to do more so i stood up. i let it swish my shoulders in sort of circles from side to side. then after a while it moved to hips. must have looked like i was doing some kind of weird aerobics or something. then went back to shoulders.
then it gently took my arms (if felt warmth on them and the weight of them being pulled down). so i followed, onto my knees then tilted forward and into a lying position. then after a bit, head tilted to one side.

this thing is incredible. i used to think all that stuff about energy channels or whatever was complete cr*p. what do i say to that now. take that you smug scientist ego.

i was sort of occasionally, ok very occasionally, noting during this.

all this time i was supposedly watching the breath. sometimes, yes.

ended up lying on back cos the carpet smelt gross. just kept going. speaking of smugness, at one point i felt slightly smug for toughing it out in a tough session. then i knew i had to extend the session. nothing says ego like smugness. maybe i should have just noted it and not "punished" myself.

eventually things settled a bit and i focussed on noting the various sensations that were happening. probably doing the quickest noting i've done. this isn't saying much. my attention flipped around from here and there own the body to "away" when i heard sounds. after i while i thought to just let it all come to me. this made me a bit foggier.

anyway afterwards, now, i'm not sure that the session actually made me feel better. nerves are still rattling away. creating physical and psychological discomfort.

i feel like a noob with no skill at all. so i'm trying to just keep going...

approx 45 min kasina (concentration) in morning

20 min yoga
1hr 20min meditation (afternoon)

that was a fairly bad session, in terms of being slow and painful. changed my position several times in the first 20 minutes or so before settling down (on the floor, mind you). better to use the less comfy floor than the bed. tried to note breath, rising falling, and other compelling sensations. also, with mahasi sayadaw's instructions in mind, trying to remember to note "intention" before doing something, and then note it as you do it. this didn't really happen for me today though. it's been something i've been doing a little bit the last couple of weeks. but anyway, i never really got into a quiet head space. looked at my watch 2 times. tried to note feelings of disappointment/dissatisfaction.

it feels useless at the moment. so i just have to keep trying.

it is so good to have this journal to vent about everything.
experiencing some anxiety and just saw a snake on my bedside table. (not really there of course). i saw one on the sofa two days ago. i mean, on the scale of things, snakes aren't even that scary to me. so i'm sure my subconscious will come up with some more creative ways of scaring me. it's 4am and i'm scared to go back to sleep because i don't want to have a bad dream.

was lying in bed mentally noting angry emails i wanted to write to a few people. so i am very very thankful for daniel ingrams comment in the section on the dark night of MCTB in which he expressly advises against sending off angry emails. even if you try to tone it down it doesn't work. i think the vibe is there. so thanks daniel. i think that man has done a great deal of good in this world with his book.

nice to get this out in the open and now i can head back to bed. i need to work on concentration practice, my meditation is pretty dicey at the moment. i'm freaking out and scared that i might have left it too late to do concentration practice because i'm too DN. i believe that i am in that space.

last night i read mahasi sayadaw's book ... can't remember the title. but it's the one that daniel ingram recommends that isn't "practical insight meditation". the description of the A&P in that is so spot on to my experience at my retreat that i just can't doubt that. i think i dropped below it and then passed through it again in a more subtle fashion. seems to fit the data.

the kriya was totally absent today and i think yesterday too. curious.

i read the paper about the "four selves" model on the refugee camp website. very interesting. helps re-enforce the notion of the "ego" as this helpful construct. running out of characters so bye!

Just remember that it isn't going to be all peachy (far from it) but there is a lot to learn from the Dark Night "stuff" if that is where you are. Have you thought about reaching out to a teacher, maybe even just a few Skype chats with someone to make sure you on the right track? Someone that can ask the right questions and guide you. It really helps during the DN stuff.

you are right - a few Skype chats would be good. i saw that you've had ron crouch teaching you and it seems to have been great for you. i think it's amazing you've come so far being a "householder", especially having young kids. and how awesome for them, having a dad like that.

30min kasina session (late morning)

15min yoga, 50 min kasina session (afternoon)

so probably over did it slightly as eyes a bit sore and had headache after afternoon session. wasn't really able to stabilise the retinal impression of the red circle. it came and went a lot and also wasn't cohesive a lot of the time. spent most of the time looking at the kasina itself and the retinal image, which appears superimposed on top of it with eyes open. observed the various effects such as the surrounding taking on the colour of the kasina and also going black and everything around it going black too. i read somewhere that if you can maintain this blackness for a while, of both the kasina and the background, then eventually the blackness goes away and the retinal image gets very bright. wanted to see if this would happen. it didn't actually not really that sad about it.

not 100% sure if this is actually a samatha practice or a vipassana practice. in MCTB, daniel writes in his section on the vipassana jhanas about reaching them using a kasina. but isn't kasina supposed to be samatha? i mean he didn't seem to be dissecting the image in a sort of vipassana way, unless i'm mistaken (which is most likely).

The language is confusing you, I think. The word jhana is generally describing a concentration state, but not always.

(report for yesterday).
had 3 approx half hour kasina sessions.

did reading meditation 15min.
reading MCTB section on impermanence and observing on vibrations in body. reading shuts mind up. vibrations quite strong on large parts of body (especially legs/feet) but other parts sort of blind e.g. sides of trunk.

feeling slightly less inclined to journal all the time.

40 min noting
while son had piano lesson this morning. it was noting but became relaxing with good conc too.

afternoon: 20 min yoga. 30 min noting.

night: 1hr noting.

feeling like nothing much is happening but just keeping going. not sure if my noting is very good. e.g. tonight had to swallow and clear throat etc really often which was a distraction. tried to note sensations surrounding this. e.g., feeling need to swallow. swallowing.

sometimes i find myself in a place of stillness but feel like i'm not just supposed to sit there with it. i just want to sit there with it and experience it. but feel like i am supposed to note. or maybe just keep noting "stillness, stillness, stillness". it feels a bit like acceptance and awareness. or almost acceptance. i don't think i ever experience full acceptance. but it feels important, that state. should i just sit with it? needing to sniff or clear your throat messes with it though. it's fragile. i guess it's similar to "listening to silence" or maybe the ships in faraway harbour.

Hi Jacki,

It sounds like your noting is good. One of my meditation teachers said that at the beginning of each sit, I should remind myself to have no expectations, which is of course easier said than done, but that reminder helps me to let the sit be as it is, even the hard or boring sits.

Noting is good but if your intuition tells you to try something during a sit I say go for it. I don't think there is anything wrong with letting the noting go and resting in that place of stillness (sounds great to me!). Be creative and have fun, meditation is said to be an art so I like to approach it in that spirit of exploration and experimentation.

Don - thanks for reminding me to have no expectations. it's helpful to hear that...

2 x 1hr noting, 1 x 1hr concentration, 1hr zen sitting and walking meditation

i am noting. but to be honest, i feel like my noting is too slow. basically i note once on each breath (ignoring breath noting itself). so i think that is only once every few seconds. i am noticing things better though, that i wouldn't have observed before. but i think it might be too slow. sometimes i say stuff in my head faster, but not really that much at all. that is giving me some doubt i guess. had a reappearance of kriya with neck flipped forward and then body down onto ground face first.

went to the zen class in the evening which was good. reminded me to be with life as it is, no need to struggle. acceptance and trust.

basically today was a mini-retreat i guess.

practice feels a little flat and dull. it's ok though i don't kind of mind. it's hard though to get through those noting sessions.

edit: just adding here that i have been getting headaches a lot lately. i think practice brings them on. i forgetting to write this.

"practice feels a little flat and dull. it's ok though i don't kind of mind. it's hard though to get through those noting sessions. "

Remember that *everything* is notable, and thus productive to practice. That includes being bored, wishing something thrilling would happen, doubting you are doing it fast enough, etc. Wishing for exciting sensations is just another thing to note. One often learns far more about what one is attached to, clinging to, aversive to by paying attention during "difficult" or "boring" sits than during blissy, exciting sits. One of my favorite things a teacher told me: "Every moment is *equally* worthy of mindfulness."

hi giragirasol. i don't think i mind the boring sits. i mean sometimes it's just hard to get through at the time. when i say boring maybe i mean sits with a lot of unpleasantness. like itching and stuff. having to clear my throat and sniff and swallow a lot (sorry, gross). i note it though.

small half hour sit in bed this morning before napping. feeling like nerves are discordant again. strange broken up lights in eyes.

1hr 15min noting
concentration reasonable. noting OK. got pretty relaxed and comfortable. after about 45 min had some head twisting. turned into weird dancing session, ended with face planting floor. teeth started chattering. once kriya gets going i just go with it and note a tiny bit but it kind of takes over the brain a bit. anyway, teeth kind of grinding and chattering and jaw pushed off to the side while grinding/chattering. stomach pains.

more happened but it's left me now. i write it later if i remember.

cont...

this afternoon did 1hr concentration, 1 hr noting.

i've been worried about the effect of staring for long periods at a candle, so after half an hour went back to my old method of staring at the security screen door. it was enjoyable. i can see when my mind changes state by what my eyes are doing. there is the security door with diamond shapes and behind that the railings on the balcony and behind that a leafy tree. i notice my focus changing and i try to hold it in particular spots to stabilise my mind state. i am getting the hang of it a bit better.

regular sort of noting session with no krya at all. again constantly having to deal with my sore throat etc.

today had 1hr concentration

2 x 1hr noting

i don't seem to be able to meditate through to the other side of the suffering. kriya showed up in first of my 2 1hr noting sits. only lasted about 15 min then return to meditation. second meditation was pretty tough.

read about Monica in the Case Studies section on this website. amazing. lots to be learned. you should check it out.

had a weird experience. was reading the above case study and towards the end my eyes stopped moving and i kind of got sucked up into a sort of mind state. i felt clued to the spot. it was like being pulled into various mind states. maybe jhana or something but i had no say in it as it just happened. and my eyes started flickering and it felt like my eyes, around my eyes & forehead was getting pulsated. i had shocks of shuddering in my body. strange stuff. my kriya seemed to flip my head back (like it does sometimes) so my forehead was pointed up to the sky. it went for a while. maybe 15 mins maybe half an hour. afterwards i found my krya making me turn circles and things like that. i really wanted a rest. the light seemed too bright. shutting my eyes there was large red glowing light. shutting eyes wasn't enough to relieve sore eyes so put beanie down over my eyes. eyes light sensitive during the day and i'm really headachy. the aftershocks, the physical shuddering, has come and gone during the day. in the arvo, at my son's gymnastics had a feeling come over me which was like the start of the experience in the morning. i realised i've had it before too, the feeling that is.

later in the day tried to do some samatha it was working well but my eyes were too sensitive so didn't do it for long.

feeling these days much more aware of the ego. all the self talk which builds it up and reinforces it. i see it in my emotional reactions to things. it is the protector. i'm better, i think, at seeing it, and not as influenced by it. it's a good thing.

woke up in a good mood today. feeling good for the first time in a little while. had a good sleep. sleep has been lacking a bit lately. also, can't sleep in daytime anymore.

session on noting with beth. excellent stuff. i cannot stress how valuable it is to speak to skilful people. she put me into a jhana while she was talking so she has the hypnotist touch.

practise: noting the different foundations separately and then 'freestyle' noting

10 min noting sensations

10 min noting sensations+feeling-tone. after about 5 mins of this my krya woke up. went through it's usual routine but added light sensitivity. was good to be noting a particular category of sensations as this made me aware of them during krya. so basically i wobbled & swayed, i noted those things, but also more the basic physical sensations like pressure, tension, etc... ended up face planted on the carpet, sleepy... waited until i thought it was done.... (so about 25 min, but probably last 10 was sleeping --- it's not my fault, it makes me!)

10 min noting mind-states. after 5 min krya came back. it is like a determined yoga teacher who follows you around until your routine is done. again, i'm kinda sleeping on the floor. decided to sleep on bed instead, in same position as krya likes.... then a little neck turning and teeth chattering and grinding. after a rest, when i thought it was done, i got up. then it started turning me in right-handed circles. always the same patterns, and must finish the whole routine! such a determined beast. not that it is a beast. i noted mind-states like wonder, curiosity, amazement, grace, etc while it was doing it's bit. it was great, once again, to be noting the mind states and therefor noticing them during the krya.

still got 10 mins of noting thoughts to do later today. have been having bouts of major vibrations since my noting/workout. nice... chilled today

I didn't know you got a teacher. Great move!

Thanks Russell. Yesterday was my first session

So just logging in yesterdays report

reading a good book that i heard about on this site. "the end of your world". very nice. enjoying reading dharma, preferably of the easy reading type that you can just let wash over you. enjoying wondering who the person doing various things (like writing this) is.

having headache a lot. ack!

practise (i never know when this word is supposed to have an "s" or an extra "c").
1hr45min

1hr "concentration" (this is basically my fun time). spent some time sitting right in behind my eyes. recently had experiencing of suddenly realising that my face was right "in my face". so going their deliberately, just for the heck of it. normally i think we reside further back in our head. but instead putting centre of consciousness right in behind the eyes & nose. other stuff too but can't remember.

45min noting.
first noting thoughts. i was already concentrated and i naturally slipped into doing this. it seemed natural to start with this.

haved wondered a bit whether it's ok to sometimes say "dad thought" (e.g. if thinking about my dad) or more expressly "thinking nikolai needs to work harder on his maths" (we say maths in australia rather than math). or "worrying about Fred". (actually i don't know anyone by that name. just an example!). other times it is easy enough to say "planning thought" for example, and these kinds of labels are coming more easily. anyway, just wondering....

then, noting sensations. this is very nice, i mean to try to focus on this channel.

then, noting mind-states. this was very illuminating. i'd been reading about how after awakening (i know i'm not awakened, so don't worry), one loses one's orientation and that one has to sort of let go of that. so i guess that was influencing me a bit.