Jacki's journal

Sounds good. I find that grabbing moments of open awareness during the day really helps my practice. It also sometimes helps me get through difficult experiences. Yesterday I had to ground my son for being rude to me; he wasn't happy but I just focused on the body and watched the various sensations wash through me. They did their thing and then were gone. All is well.

just a quick report here.

things going ok, i'm doing the noting practise, though finding some difficulty in matching up each stimulus with its note, it's sort of awkward or something.

got myself in a pickle yesterday doing "who am i?" quite intensely. brought up every possible little trauma that i'd pretty much forgotten. won't do that again for a while. felt terrible!

noting sessions often uneventful, in the sense that it doesn't get all that uncomfortable, just a whole lot of touching, seeing, hearing & thought repeated... no wacky thoughts

noting sessions seem to get me quite concentrated and some shifts are felt into more relaxed and quiet mind states.

had my fair share of yuckiness between sits though with issues continuing to bubble up.

over and out.

some reading satsang with rupert spira ("the transparency of things"); amazing.

1 hr noting. almost entirely hearing, touching, seeing, thought... slipped into thought very easily, and forgot to note for periods at a time... thoughts a nice reverie.

i'd almost forgotten the awful time early this morning --- woke at 4:30am; didn't need to rise till 6:30am so didn't allow myself to get up and have a cup of coffee or anything, just forcing myself to sit with my thoughts, the difficult 4:30am thoughts, if you know what i mean. it was very painful. like painful that i haven't felt in a while. by 6:30 i was calm and OK with things. i think it's helpful, when you hit that early morning rough patch, to not allow yourself to give in to the desire for distraction.

I do know precisely what you mean, but is sitting with thoughts such a good thing? I find it gets me tied up in worse and worse knots to do that. Best to note sensations as clearly and precisely as you can, although I'm a fine one to talk because it's so hard for me to do that. Walking meditation has helped me on such occasions. I also am inclined to put in a good word for distraction because I think it's a better choice than letting the thoughts have free run of my mind.

Practice rule #4 -- pay close attention to anything you are afraid of.

"
Practice rule #4 -- pay close attention to anything you are afraid of.



"

I was in a rather advanced state of anxiety when I posted #129. I can't help wondering, though, whether some thought loops are so disruptive that it's better to get out from under rather than look at them too closely, then come back to it later with more objectivity. Then again, if we don't look at it while it's at its worst, will we ever get to break it down into its component parts? I'm still on the fence about this. The one thing I've noticed is that when I'm in the very middle of something severely aversive I just run away. Sorry to hijack your thread, Jacki! Metta to you, at 3:00 or 4:00 or whatever wee hour you're facing your demons.

There were a couple of times in the earlier stages of my practice where I literally got up and left the meditation because it was too scary. Eventually I developed more courage and sat through some pretty damn terrifying moments (as well as of course a wide variety of other kinds of experiences, too). I don't think there's any shame in running away from scary stuff now and then. You'll eventually find that you can be with it quite productively by applying your practice method. What's important is to bring *practice* to the scary stuff (or any other unpleasant stuff). Use noting or whatever other technique you are working with. Take your time, remember to be gentle and compassionate, and in time you will find more and more courage to look. You aren't missing a chance - it will wait for you!! And it will also be there in many new ways over time, as you cycle along. What I found is that over time it becomes more and more interesting to look at that stuff, even when it is very aversive. It's sort of fascinating at the same time.

yesterday --- 3 decent noting sessions, 45-60min each.

yesterday i read the thread on drunken vipassana fist (or something). it was really good in pushing me to speed up my noting. i've been noting at once per 2 seconds. i'm so slow. so i tried just saying in my head "that, that, that" as fast as i could. 4 per second is pretty much the best i can do though sometimes i can go faster. i think perhaps i'm slow because i always seem to engage my speaking apparatus even when silently noting. so i practised that and now i'm speeding along. also i realised that you repeat the note until you say the next one. it reinforces and also catches stimuli and notes them before you would have had a chance to process the whole thing. my brain processor is the equivalent of that of a commodore 64.

i think the faster noting helps in terms of experiencing that disengaged feeling.

today i've done 2 noting sessions and i'm up for one more tonight. as for the noting content, i can sometimes see the progression though nanas a bit. some things i see often, in the order i remember them not the order they occur:-

sudden spaciousness (pretty sure this is mind and body, occurs at beginning of sit)
sitting pain
getting cold (pretty sure this is dissolution)
sucking my cheeks in as if i had something yucky in my mouth
feeling that there is a creepy crawly on my head and having to flick it off because at the time it seems perfectly real (gotta be fear)
needing to keep clearing my throat and swallowing
thinking of someone associated with great sadness (misery)
thoughts on issues/angry thoughts
brick on chest
widening of field of view. (if you're wearing a hoody you'll start to see it). also, the narrow field of view also has a longer focal length, and the wider one has a shorter focal length.

cont from above...

if you meditate outdoors you can really see the change in focal length. this means if you're eyes are relaxed and you are looking straight ahead the "sweet spot" of your vision moves in closer as it widens out.

also on this list,

uncomfortable and strong vibrations (including vibrating pulses behind eyes that vibrate at the same rate as the physical sensation)

and then eventually a sudden shift from this to smoooooth..... where vision is especially glorious and wide

Laurel --- I forgot to thank you for your gift of metta for help with the early morning demons. they visited this morning but it wasn't as bad, so it must have helped!

2 days ago = day-long zen sesshin
yesterday = 80min noting + 40 min noting

some observations of things coming and going during noting sessions...

sometimes warm / sometimes cold
challenging thoughts
sniffing, throat clearing, swallowing / sucking cheeks in (as if something yucky in mouth)
wandering thoughts
anxiety about not getting enough air
a little skin itchiness
itchy eyes a lot lately (couple of weeks), forgot to mention it in earlier posts
rocking motion, forward/back (but not a kriya)
occasional bit of krya appearance, usually just neck movement (this has been on-going)
back pain, jaw, neck pain, all a bit
lights/pulses, pulses sometimes vibrating rapidly
and a little pleasure/joy/relaxation

mostly seeing, hearing, touch, sensing, thought

i remembered one more common thing that happens during sits --- pressure on/behind eyes. this is happening when there is lots of lights so suspect it might actually be part of A&P.

todays practice --- 2 x 60min noting

experiences milder during todays sits. on and off cushion, feel a little different. vision panoramic. sensations generally feeling a bit different to how i'm used to. i feel peaceful and involved in what i'm doing. i suspect this is equanimity. not that i feel completely awesome, cos i don't. i have a lot of underlying anxiety about "nothing happening" (i.e. not reaching path) or of backsliding. this is definitely motivating me to practice but the expectation of something happening is very prevalent. i keep thinking -- "oh maybe it's about to happen" and such thoughts. not helpful. i do note them most of the time. yet i feel that such anxiety has the capacity to thwart things so this adds further to the anxiety. also i worry that i'm missing things in my noting and therefore that is going to stuff things up. really i need to be past all of this for a while, this intense focus on practice, the difficult experiences, and so i want to get path and just RELAX. so i am definitely in no fear of enjoying things too much and slacking off now, cos i gotta get this thing done.

i resolve to attain path as quickly as possible
i resolve to attain path as quickly as possible
i resolve to attain path as quickly as possible

yesterday --- 1 hr noting + 20 min several times

cycling while sitting quite subtle but still evident
awareness rather clear & open for some hours during day off cushion

today --- 2 x 1hr noting + 30min noting

struggling along... sits a bit tedious, uncertainty of efficacy, some unpleasantness on and off cushion. intense light during middle sit with pressure on eyes and in that general vicinity... sensations of "helmet head"; in final sit of day a lot of pressure in top of head.

still bumbling along...

yesterday --- 90 min noting

today --- 45min concentration, 40min noting, zen group tonight

a bit unenthusiastic about practice, feel generally a bit bummed out, don't know why

meditation is good but off cushion feeling like ****.
absorption is pulling me in, especially towards end of sit .... perhaps into jhana 4 and maybe a bit beyond. had some full on concentration experiences at the end of sits. during sits, get to A&P, then experience wandering mind, negative thoughts, itchy eye, a lot of light, .... hard to stop sitting.

but outside of that i feel kind of depressed.

in dealing with expectations, reminded myself tonight that my job is just to do my practise, anything else that happens is "not my business" ....

i seem to be subscribing more and more to the idea that we don't actually have agency... we just think we do. it's a strange notion to get your head around. so even practising itself, or not practising, is therefor something that happens and also "not my business"...

but yes, i'm still practising .... practising my *** off actually.

it's strange... i'm getting some major re-observation type kicks in the butt off-cushion, even though i am seemingly in (low) equanimity. in sits it's not too bad, the tell-tale thoughts always turn up eventually, but it is off cushion that they really seem to bowl me over.

Daniel Ingram in discussing DN stuff, says things like, do not for a tiny second, engage with the content of DN stuff. but i kind of think, it's not quite true. in the sense that, one has to see it and experience it; if one just quickly notes "thought" and moves on, it seems to be a kind of sublimation. perhaps the lesson is in learning to be able to experience those difficult things. (sorry about the awful writing). this way we are really learning that thoughts are not real. of course this is easier said than done, and can only be handled in small doses....

guess it just means more nasty re-observation type stuff.... wish i didn't have quite so many issues

"wish i didn't have quite so many issues"

There is your Dukka talking right there. Note that as desire and move on...disembed. It finally lets up when when you finally let go.

One thing I've discovered is that coming to meditation with the hope that it will magically resolve all one's mental health issues (or life issues) is bound to create problems, because what this practice will do is bring us face-to-face with the very things that unnerve us. If we can somehow face all that we'll be better off in the long run, but there are some difficult moments (or days, or weeks, or whatever). Hang in there.

thanks for your support russell and laurel, and helping me get perspective.

focussing on desire, wanting things to be different, wanting things to have been different in the past, has been helpful. though i don't think this is over yet i feel a bit less stuck today.

2 x 1hr noting sessions.

so i've been trying to manage through what has been a rough patch (speaking euphemistically)... my sits consist of not so much in the way of physical symptoms, have developed a new left leg/ left side of body vibration which comes up rather strongly (off cushion too), during sits the experience is more of personal dukkha, remembering what seems like, over time, every single thing that has hurt me somewhat. it is so weird. this comes up on and off cushion. i feel depression like i haven't for a long time.

so trying to sit my way through it... three noting sits today. the first one was just looking at and feeling arising dukkha and barely a physical sensation could get a moments attention before more came out. it wasn't a lot of fun.

the two subsequent sits were more typical and not so gruelling.

45min, 1hr, 45min noting.

i decided i ought to move a bit more towards doing concentration practice. at the end of recent sits this has been happening anyway, and after reading the following thread on DhOG and especially what kenneth wrote, here

dharmaoverground.org/web/guest/discussio...ds%2Fmessage%2F95728

i decided it would be a good idea.

90min concentration. awesome. feel much better. i am getting into jhanas but not the "hard" variety.

by the way, reading the above thread is a very good idea.

three meditation sessions, focussed more on concentration...

60min concentration (wandering mind)
120min concentration (more concentrated)
60min noting for approx 40min then concentration the remainder

"by the way, reading the above thread is a very good idea. "

Thanks for posting this. I just skimmed it (can't take time out to peruse at the moment). I am particularly intrigued by Florian's quoting Kenneth: "He explained that the more active, forceful, "dry" technique would yield entry through the dukkha door, while letting 4th jhana/equanimity ripen would be the route through the no-self door." I think in my case I got through the dukkha door first time around, am trying to lubricate a bit this time. I've also been advised to work more with metta. My biggest problem, though, is I tend to stick with what I'm used to, what I think I'm "good" at. But this time around I'm finding more concentration techniques are appealing. All the best.

60min of mind wandering followed later by 80min of mind wandering. at least i tried....

feeling some aversion to practice. did a 60min session, first half (approx) noting, then concentration. experienced a new kind of thing which was very nice. it was like tingly and made me sit up, it felt really nice through my face and it was sort of uplifting and refreshing. my breath felt cool, it was a really nice feeling. strange...