Jacki's journal

continued...

noted mind-states of allowing, opening, and i felt a blackness start to descend over my head. it was utterly delightful. it was exhilarating. it descended down over my body. it was amazing. i suspect that it is a manifestation of what is called "rapture" of the first jhana.

the end

seem to be experiencing more equanimity or good mood or something than usual... don't know if it is officially equanimity of formations (to give the stage it's full title). have been feeling like something is going to happen. but might have jinxed it by writing this.

it was a colourful day. i felt too lazy to practice early. got into it in the arvo and practised noting for about 1hr45min. it's not really that long, because it included a long stretch of time doing some yoga.

started with noting sensations. approx 20 min. then sensations+feeling-tone approx 5mins. then did noting mind states. this one seems to be good for setting of the krya. it is changing over time. i think it comes at a certain point going through the nanas. once it's been woken up it tends to be active, if only slightly, or more prone to become active, for the rest of that day.
so this time i did a little wobbling and then was pushed down into a stretch. my legs were straight out in front and i was bending over them. i pretty much trust it, though do get scared at times. it kind of stretches your muscles and things in a skilful way. it sort of forces you and then you feel little releases. it can move you in ways that you wouldn't have been able to yourself (like the sort of hip sways which i don't have the coordination to do, and deep stretches that i couldn't manage by myself). by lower back was releasing and my hamstrings were releasing. there is a little sensation as this happens. and then i found my nose with in a few inches of my knees. it was remarkable. i'll be sore tomorrow. but it's great. fast flexibility. when i walk now i am much freer. it is really nice. i kind of wobble a bit as i walk. anyway, i'm raving on.

so i didn't get to noting thoughts, because i had this big stretching episode. i tried to let it "finish" and trust that it wouldn't absolutely kill my muscles.

And then, letting it go like that, i felt quite lovely afterwards.

took doggy for a walk and i got overcome by a strange experience, my legs were sort of wobbly. got distracted because i had to go fetch dog who was running crazy with another dog. then i let it start again i sat down. jelly legs and jelly brain. grass swirling a little. it was like i had to just let this thing happen. dog got bored so we got up and walked home. i felt like bewildered. it was all good to feel. it was just different. i went and gave dog a bath. i wasn't really with it. still not i think. had a shower then sat down in shower and had bath. running bath for ages before realised plug wasn't in. everything turning sort of white. i could make it go back to normal. and normal was a bit white. but when relaxing my eyes this whiteness. had pleasurable feelings, that went for a while, at different times in lower back, chest, abdomen. can't remember the order.
felt like i had a big hole in the front of my face, down to about my lips, which i was looking through. reminded me of a similar thing last night where i opened my eyes and my visual area looked round. i felt faceless. then my head started peeling back. it got peeled back quite far, but not all the way. yet a few seconds later i felt momentarily headless. all of this sounds weird but it felt nice. i got scared a couple of times, during the whole thing, but not when i lost my head. more when i was walking home with the dog and felt so strange.

i suspect a sort of near miss or maybe even a stream entry. maybe. who knows.

all this practise is changing me. at my zen thing tonight i became overcome by the desire to become a nun. i realised what all the religious hocus pocus (sp?) is all about. i had the strong sense of being pulled towards something bigger than me. maybe that's the thing. that thing i glimpsed then. maybe that's the stream.

it's been a long day.

feel like this process is still unfolding this morning. it feels like it might take a while. slightly dazed. seeing and feeling in a slightly different way. e.g. listening to the birds this morning, heard the sweet chirps and also the raucous sounds of crows, and i noticed that the crows were talking to each other. you could hear one nearby making its noises and then another would reply; the respondent might be nearby or sometimes very soft so that it was a long way away. so their idea of space is very different to ours.
having some coffee to help me pull my head together and do the chores of the day.

afternoon sit (yesterday afternoon). 1hr -- brief concentration then noting four foundations. spent long time in leaning forward with legs in straddle doing lower back/butt/hamstring/under knees/calf/achilles stretch (again). felt like lead poured into limbs. have had this a bit lately.

in the arvo i sort of started feeling normal. got really worked up over something. feeling solid. close to old self but not quite old self. outburst of emotion reminded me that i don't experience these things as much any more.

got my goenka DVD of evening discourses. yay!

this morning half hour sit. approx 15 min noting sensations, 15 min sensations+feeling-tone. krya arose and gave me a lovely couple of stretches. i stood up when it did the lower back/back of legs stretch which it has been into lately. then it gently put me down on my hands and knees to do the cat stretch, but only the part where the back arches downwards. then i myself leant backwards into pose with legs folded under body and trunk lying on legs and arms outstretched. delightful!

feeling really awesome. thinking the same usual stuff but distant somewhat with attitude of neither here nor there-ness. eg. i was going to the dentist and was pushed for time. thought to look at my watch. then realised that what ever it said wouldn't make any difference because i was going to drive the way i was driving regardless. i was just going there and that was all. so didn't need to look at the time. hope that makes sense. and yes, my senses are a little heightened. wider vision, enjoying smells which i never paid attention to before. i don't feel awake and in the stream or whatever but i do feel different.

meditation this arvo. 1 hr, approx 30 min noting mind-states, 30 min thoughts (though the thoughts part crumbled towards the end). spent most of the time upright and normal. krya came towards the end to do a sort of back arch stretch. nice. during this sit, i became aware of my resistance to awakening, because i am scared that i won't love my kids the same any more. you know, equanimity and all that. so i might end up loving the neighbours kids as much as mine. does that make sense? i could really feel both my resistance and my trying, a trying which uses force to try to overcome resistance. and a craving for enlightenment. feeling it in my body. worried that i'll miss a big stream entry which is coming because of the conflict within. trust is everything.

ended sit feeling good with pleasurable sensations and circle of bright light radiating outwards from centre. corresponded to pressure on my face centred between eyes just where very top of nose joins face.

Jacki, make sure to note all 4 foundations and lets us all in on what's coming up in terms of them.

Jacki, your reports are great and your enthusiasm is a wonder to behold. On top of all this, you are a gifted yogi with naturally strong concentration. This is an unbeatable combination and if you keep going like this you will get enlightened.

For you, the challenge will be to avoid getting side-tracked by all the wonderful experiences; strong concentration leads to lots of crazy phenomena. Over time, you will learn to "level the playing field," giving every phenomenon the same status as everything else. When the good, the bad, and the amazing are all seen as just part of the passing parade, you will develop equanimity. And when even the momentarily arising sense of self is not privileged over the other thoughts and sensations that come up in the mind and body, you will be enlightened. It's a process, of course, and there is no way to rush it. But you can remind yourself often that as amazing as these concentrated experiences are, they all seem to be happening to somebody named Jacki. Ask yourself from time to time why this seems to be the case. Specifically, what thoughts or sensations are signaling "I"? Turning the attention directly toward these "I" phenomena will weaken and unravel the misperception of self.

And finally, take a moment, from time to time, to notice that this moment is already here; there is nothing you could do or not do that would change it. Let it be as it is and revel in the peace that comes from seeing that "you" are completely off the hook from having to fix anything.

Thanks for keeping us posted on your remarkable progress.

Kenneth

I just read what you said about being afraid of not loving your kids any more. The same thoughts come to me. They're just thoughts. We'll both be more compassionate, less reactive toward our kids when we get this done. It's already happening, recent events notwithstanding.

Laurel/Jacki,

My observation is that I am able to simply love my family for who they are rather than who I think they should be with more and more regularity (I love them no less). I no longer have as much of an urge to impose my self on them or impress them and thus the capacity for real dialog has increased.

In all ways it seems to have gotten better.

At the same time, I seem to have sloughed off a lot of old "friends" who I was clinging to out of neediness/habit more so than mutual friendship. It has lead to something more healthy for me and for them.

No worries, the Truth sets us and those around us free. It makes us free to love authentically and to receive authentic love. Nothing to fear!

Kenneth - Thank you, and Beth, for your guidance. The heart of my practice resides right here.

Hi Laurel. Yes you're right, it's happening. My kids see it. I feel better able to be a lightening rod for their suffering. I've only got to watch my subtle and unsubtle preaching of buddhist ways of thinking... do you preach a bit?

Mu, thank you... i think i'm more aware now of when i want them to do something actually for me rather than for them, which is i guess learning to love more authentically.

e.g. one of my sons might be heading for a B in maths rather than an A, which he got last semester. he is topping english and says that is quite enough and he doesn't mind getting a B for math. the lad works so hard in everything, you could never question his dedication. and yet i see the selfish desire to say "ahem, a B?", when he is absolutely right.

P.S. And yes i shall attempt more detailed descriptions of noting.

gosh look at the time, gotta get little laddie mark II out of bed and ready for school.

Interestingly enough, I don't preach. My son loves army stuff, legos, nerf guns, and mock battles of all kinds, in person, with lego figures, and on the computer. What I see is his interests and personality unfolding within the context of the culture. For me to step in and interfere with that would be futile, and besides, I love his little y-chromosome energy, his outrageousness, his fart jokes, even his disrespect. He totally is into who and what he is. I teach by example simply by being authentic. That is what he needs, the space to be authentic himself. Some day I will tell him whatever, but only as far as seems wise when and if the time comes.

I was pushed as a child to excel in school, to be a professional-caliber musician, to be perfect, and it made me sick, chronically anxious, and neurotic. So I won't do that. Maybe I overcompensate, don't try enough to encourage him to excel. I don't know. Underneath the bravado he really does want to please me, but he fights like a tiger at the slightest hint of control, and this resistance to control will stand him in good stead throughout his life, wherever his karma takes him.

Gee, it's fun talking about kids on this forum! Our inner work is for all beings, including them. Be well.

ooo

did you know that you have to enter at least three characters (and they can't be spaces or returns) to be able to post.

otherwise the post would say nothing. it now says hug hug hug.

i've been practising but not updating.

yesterday --- 2 x 1hr noting, 1 hr concentration.

concentration turns into vipassana, so finding it hard to just do concentration.

i actually recorded a noting session so i could write it in here. i haven't transcribed it yet though. i don't remember my notes very well.

sitting in the car yesterday, waiting for kids after school. thought to myself that all these sensations we experience, they aren't even real. i said it to myself because a moment before i said it, i felt it. the not realness. i don't feel it now. it was like a minute glimpse of emptiness. just a teeny tiny one.

experience is interesting. feeling the sense of my life a little more.

i feel rather empowered after reading what kenneth wrote above about my krya. not letting it hijack my sessions quite so much. when it seems to want me to move this way or that, not necessarily just going along with it. when it impels me to face plant the carpet and makes me feel tired, well it is more like exhaustion in a way, just note tired, get up and keep going.

felt helmet head last night. it was like nostalgia because i hadn't felt that for so long.

BFN

Yesterday I did 1hr of noting and 1hr15min concentration.

However both happen in both "kinds" of sittings. And as soon as I find myself in nanas rather than jhanas i always start noting anyway. i'm not that good at being cleanly in jhanas. not at all.

today had a 1-day goenka vipassana retreat. and tonight i went to the zen group for two hours of sitting. added noting to the mix some of the time.

so i've been a serious practitioner today. however i feel a bit like i've gone backwards and not feeling the texture of my life as i was recently. feel contracted. practice hurt. when things itched or whatever they seemed to hurt a lot. it was tough practising today actually.

it's alright i know it is part of the deal.

Progress is not linear. Progress is not measured in conventional terms. It's a sort of grand bargain that tests your faith in the process -- you practice and the universe rewards you with little peeks at things to come.

Hang in there.

Thank you, this is a really nice message.

Jacki,

Sounds to me like the process is unfolding for you as it should. You're a natural.

Regarding Nanas/Jhanas and all that - The main thing is that you are maintaining present moment awareness, which you clearly are. That's the common factor to all the things that work.

Best of luck and well wishes to you!

Thanks Mumu, the encouragement really helps.

Summary of yesterday --- morning 45min samatha. evening attempted to sit but severely distracted by distressing personal thoughts. so got up after 10 mins or so. realised later that it is ok to sit through these things, they are part of life after all. it's better to sit through it.

today --- 3 noting sessions - 40mins, 1hr, 1hr. all seems to be ok. got some patterns that seem to turn up. also, i often get a passing thing in my sits where i sense a huge hairy spider either somewhere in the room or on my head or something. and then it's gone. maybe some passing reference to a particular stage. at different times i'm getting a lot of those strange solid sense of distortion of the head. also, getting a lot of swallowing and sort of mouth/throat discomfort. some sniffing. i've been having those sort of mouth/nose things for weeks. went a bit further today and experienced like my face squishing up around my mouth as if i'd tasted something sour. not taste sensation was involved. just kind of undefined yuckiness to be cleared out of my mouth. saw an image of a face in the carpet, then later another, larger one, displaying strong emotions. i don't normally imagine faces in anything so it was interesting. most of the time just regular noting, like touch, coolness, hearing, something-thought, etc... it's a nice change when smell like a neighbour cooking food pops up to vary the noting a bit. getting better with the thoughts, in terms of noting them. sometimes i'm keener and see them well, other times less so, and after i've been lost in them for a bit.

Edit: wanted to mention here too that the light sensitivity which was quite severe recently has pretty much gone.

Jacki,

I could be wrong but the spider thing suggests, to me, the fear nana, yuckiness the disgust nana, etc.

In either case the pot is starting to boil, don't turn the heat down yet!

i'm afraid i'm only simmering at the moment. i've had to do lots of things and school holidays for the next two weeks so not too much focussed practice has been/is going to happen.

just hope i can get the momentum and motivation back up again later.

i haven't felt that great but i am so glad that i understand some things now. here is a simple thing. basically i'm prone to shyness and at times it's been pretty severe.

i seem to get now though that i am actually a part of things. i was at the school cross country the other day and i was sitting there and i suddenly saw all the activity around me and saw this washing sea of people doing things. i was being pulled into some kind of state but i had to hold to "reality" because i was supposed to be photographing the winners of each age group and not vagueing or blissing out. i'm a bit more able to just go along with things and my "separateness" doesn't occur to me nearly so much. so i'm not as shy. it's hard to explain. i'm more comfortable in my own skin because i don't have any skin. it just doesn't seem to matter any more.

maybe this sounds like things are fabulous but really, just normal. in fact, not being able to meditate, and frankly, losing momentum and motivation, has been frustrating. it's like an addiction and it's really hard to do when the kids are around both because of their presence which is a distraction and because of wanting to get them out of the house and doing things. i feel my concentration has really evaporated and i need a big fat retreat, though the idea of one scares me. (this is hypothetical, i can't go on retreat until next january).

i do, however have a one day zen seshin (or however you spell it) tomorrow (sunday).

Why do you feel like you are in Review. Did you have a cessation/path moment? Do you start at A&P when you sit? Access to jhanas?

"Why do you feel like you are in Review. Did you have a cessation/path moment? Do you start at A&P when you sit? Access to jhanas?"

hi russel. i don't feel i am in review, just mentioning a possibility. but it doesn't matter too much so i've deleted the comment. Jacki