There is no spoon

"This is the Unix of sanghas, and I am glad for it."-tomotvos

LOL.

Seriously Buddhist. Seriously geeky.

(Tagline borrowed from BuddhistGeeks.com)

Not quite back in the saddle, but back to regular reporting. 40m last night, 40m this morning. Working with the yogi toolbox, and noticing that for the most part, my "feeling tone" seems to always be neutral. Noting sensations, thoughts, and the lack of emotions (esp. surprising given the horrors of the last few weeks, culminating now in the death of my dear dog).

Mid-sit this morning, I noticed that I was not noticing the "sound of silence" ringing in my ears. I could hear other stuff, of course, but not that. But when I made that observation, I started to hear it until it was easily the second loudest thing I could here. I remember thinking that awakening might be like that: always there, but you don't see it until you start looking for it.

Also trying to not be so dogged on the breath once my concentration deepens sufficiently. Instead, I am trying to change my attention to my body as a whole, getting a sense of its periphery. This seems to concur with an expansion sensation that, if I finesse it enough, continues to grow. I am still aware of my breath, but it is much more wispy and shallow. When the bell rings in this expansion state (which I need a good 40m to achieve), I have been deliberately not jumping up but watching the "deflation" process over several more minutes - deflation of the body which amounts to a relaxation of tautness, and deflation of my mind as I transition from a "spacey" feeling to "normal", whatever that means.

30m last night, 30m this morning. In last night's sit, the experience was predominantly physical - I was noting body sensations when I was not grabbed by thoughts. This is in contrast to what I would classify as "inner" sensations, things like inflation/expansion, bliss, etc. Some small rapture waves, but mostly things like pressure, discomfort, coarseness (of breath).

This morning, which I prefaced by a resolution to not expect anything, was a more balanced mixed of outer and inner sensations, the latter being things like pressure around the eyes, ballooning sensation in the head, rapture waves. Many distracting thoughts, but noticed that the majority of them related to things like "how am I going to report this", "what about that thing I read on twitter", or possible future email exchanges and blog posts. I am going to note these as "online" going forward, to emphasize to myself that I need to be "offline" while on the cushion. But it also occurred to me how ego-centric that kind of stuff is and does worrying about what/how online contributions are read support a construct that I am supposed to be deconstructing?

"30m last night, 30m this morning. In last night's sit, the experience was predominantly physical - I was noting body sensations when I was not grabbed by thoughts. This is in contrast to what I would classify as "inner" sensations, things like inflation/expansion, bliss, etc. Some small rapture waves, but mostly things like pressure, discomfort, coarseness (of breath).

This morning, which I prefaced by a resolution to not expect anything, was a more balanced mixed of outer and inner sensations, the latter being things like pressure around the eyes, ballooning sensation in the head, rapture waves. Many distracting thoughts, but noticed that the majority of them related to things like "how am I going to report this", "what about that thing I read on twitter", or possible future email exchanges and blog posts. I am going to note these as "online" going forward, to emphasize to myself that I need to be "offline" while on the cushion. But it also occurred to me how ego-centric that kind of stuff is and does worrying about what/how online contributions are read support a construct that I am supposed to be deconstructing?"

I can relate.
I bet all you need to do is note the thoughts/worries and the deconstruction will happen on its own.

"Noticing that for the most part, my "feeling tone" seems to always be neutral."-tomotvos

This is important diagnostic information. It means that you are embedded in the stratum of mind where feeling tones arise. When you are able to see feeling tone clearly, it will be a good mix of pleasant, unpleasant, and neutral. No problem! Now you know exactly what to do: spend some time each day, both on and off the cushion, noting feeling tone until you are clearly able to note all three, changing rapidly. By objectifying these phenomena, you dis-embed from them. Dis-embeddedness is freedom.

Kenneth

""Noticing that for the most part, my "feeling tone" seems to always be neutral."-tomotvos

This is important diagnostic information. It means that you are embedded in the stratum of mind where feeling tones arise. When you are able to see feeling tone clearly, it will be a good mix of pleasant, unpleasant, and neutral. No problem! Now you know exactly what to do: spend some time each day, both on and off the cushion, noting feeling tone until you are clearly able to note all three, changing rapidly. By objectifying these phenomena, you dis-embed from them. Dis-embeddedness is freedom.

Kenneth"

I've just been rereading your BG article on this, and I think I have misapplied things. The feeling tone I was describing was my overall feeling tone ("I feel neutral", "I feel neutral", ...). I see that you suggest applying that feeling tone to specific sensations instead of noting the sensation itself, which is different. Next go around I'll see what drops out of that.

40m this afternoon, starting with breath counting then moving to noting. Deliberately no samatha. Initially seeing a flood of imagery then, suddenly, images are gone like a tv is turned off. I have had this sensation the last few sits, and it is quite startling. Noting physical sensations, mostly just the feeling of breathing in and out, fingers tingling, the odd twitch or itch. Don't really note pain or discomfort. Noting emotions, fear, sadness, anxiety. Seeing anxiety as immediately impacting the breath as it speeds up.

Noting sensation of inflation, breath much lighter. Some imagery and thought, more fear. Inflation couples with a kind of tension in arms and back. Tingling in scalp, "bigness" in space in front of me. But also sensing a bit of a decoupling, noting how my noting is separate from what is noted. When bell rings, take time to "deflate", enjoying the sense of peace.

40m this am, not trying to accomplish anything beyond sitting and noting. Again a flood of visual imagery at outside, subsiding more gradually than the "tv" metaphor described above. Watching breath, and how it is affected by thoughts that I don't try and stop while at the same time attempting to put a bit of a distance between. Thoughts of worry or anxiety immediately triggering tightness in belly and constricted and quickened breath. Feeling tone unpleasant. Images of my children slow my breath down, notice easing, feeling tone pleasant. Off in thought loop, returning to a wave of "rapture". Coolness starting in left neck, washing downward. Pleasant. Watching tiny tremors in arms and back. Neutral.

Wondering, but not really getting an answer, "who is watching this"? That question is coming up unbidden now, because as I do see/note my thoughts (as opposed to just think them) the issue of what is noting is starting to bug me, ever so slightly. I suppose I am starting to understand that problem a little bit more viscerally than purely intellectually.

"Wondering, but not really getting an answer, "who is watching this"? That question is coming up unbidden now, because as I do see/note my thoughts (as opposed to just think them) the issue of what is noting is starting to bug me, ever so slightly. I suppose I am starting to understand that problem a little bit more viscerally than purely intellectually."

do you find tht precise noting starts to bring these questions up more viscerally? That is my experience.

"do you find tht precise noting starts to bring these questions up more viscerally? That is my experience. "

Hard to say. I have always been somewhat vague on the noting front, finding more precision going down the jhana route. But I am trying hard to note right now, and also keeping in mind the multifaceted noting that Kenneth described in his Yogi Toolbox interview on BG, so I guess I am noting "more precisely". And I am am getting these feelings. So there might be a connection.

Or maybe they are not connected, except by a simple ripening of my practice. The more you do it, the more stuff turns up, it would seem. But I am also trying to be more "yeah, whatever" at the stuff that does turn up, so that could be helping too.

Let's see, can I get any more wishy-washy?

"Hard to say. I have always been somewhat vague on the noting front, finding more precision going down the jhana route. But I am trying hard to note right now, and also keeping in mind the multifaceted noting that Kenneth described in his Yogi Toolbox interview on BG, so I guess I am noting "more precisely". And I am am getting these feelings. So there might be a connection.

Or maybe they are not connected, except by a simple ripening of my practice. The more you do it, the more stuff turns up, it would seem. But I am also trying to be more "yeah, whatever" at the stuff that does turn up, so that could be helping too.

Let's see, can I get any more wishy-washy?"

It seems that people are different in the affect noting or not noting has on their practice. I really don't want to note but when I don't I have to be honest and admit that i miss a lot. A lot. IFor me, when I note it sems to invite the next layer of objects down to appear.
And, if "I" am noting it really seems to beg the question of who or what is looking at the objects.
But I think I lot of people don't need it and it might even get in the way of insight.

"It seems that people are different in the affect noting or not noting has on their practice. I really don't want to note but when I don't I have to be honest and admit that i miss a lot. A lot. IFor me, when I note it sems to invite the next layer of objects down to appear.
And, if "I" am noting it really seems to beg the question of who or what is looking at the objects.
But I think I lot of people don't need it and it might even get in the way of insight. "

I go through phases with it, so it's probably state and stage specific as well as a matter of individual taste. Lately, I've really gotten into noting in my own practice, valuing the way it immediately pulls me out of embedded revery and into wakefulness. I find myself going up and down through the 3 Gears all day long, taking any sense of frustration as the sign that it's time time to downshift. If I'm frustrated while working 2nd or 3rd Gear, I'm pushing on a string. Much more effective to go back to 1st Gear, even the ultra-low gear that is mindfulness of body sensations, and continue shoring up the foundation. Once some momentum builds, it becomes easy and natural to move to the higher gears.

Bottom line: I love noting. What a powerful, efficient, and pragmatic technique! And with a built-in feedback loop; while it's possible to delude oneself about "doing it right" while "noticing without noting," noting gives you real time verification that you're objectifying and therefore dis-embedding from experience. What's not to love?

"I go through phases with it, so it's probably state and stage specific as well as a matter of individual taste. Lately, I've really gotten into noting in my own practice, valuing the way it immediately pulls me out of embedded revery and into wakefulness. I find myself going up and down through the 3 Gears all day long, taking any sense of frustration as the sign that it's time time to downshift. If I'm frustrated while working 2nd or 3rd Gear, I'm pushing on a string. Much more effective to go back to 1st Gear, even the ultra-low gear that is mindfulness of body sensations, and continue shoring up the foundation. Once some momentum builds, it becomes easy and natural to move to the higher gears.

Bottom line: I love noting. What a powerful, efficient, and pragmatic technique! And with a built-in feedback loop; while it's possible to delude oneself about "doing it right" while "noticing without noting," noting gives you real time verification that you're objectifying and therefore dis-embedding from experience. What's not to love?"

If that isn't a clear articulation of an integral approach to the Three Speeds, I don't know what is

I practice noting often as well, when the situation calls for it. I've also been doing quite a bit of shamatha lately, as sometimes I find that my concentration needs to get ramped up to practice more effectively.

And that's what I love about the Three Speeds: it's a way to bring together practices which would otherwise appear to be odd companions.

~Jackson

"Bottom line: I love noting. What a powerful, efficient, and pragmatic technique! And with a built-in feedback loop; while it's possible to delude oneself about "doing it right" while "noticing without noting," noting gives you real time verification that you're objectifying and therefore dis-embedding from experience. What's not to love?"

Not to put too fine a point on it, the other related and powerful technique is the "yogi toolbox" stuff, which essentially allows you to choose the type of thing to note based on what works best for you at that moment. That is really helpful.

40m samatha this morning. Starting with breath counting, watching breath at nostrils. Notice how as concentration gets amped up, I am able to feel more of my exhalation on upper lip: initially very faint, eventually very distinct. Not counting jhanas, just concentrating and observing. Weak body rapture waves, loss of concentration, thinking. Continue to watch breath (no counting now), stronger rapture waves passing into a more calm/bliss-like state. Thoughts again, anger and frustration, breath tightening. Still able to watch breath at nostrils and again as concentration increases, rapture waves. Change attention to ringing in ears, developing into more bliss-like calm. Trying to "not try" but also change attention to space "in front of" me. This seems to continue the calm state, breath very light. Weak sense of expansion in head and body. Lightly begin to note, some physical discomfort in knees, sounds (both internal and external), visual blobs behind eyelids. Trying to keep eyes still.

Bell rings precisely the same time as the phone. How freaky is THAT.

40m vipassana, starting with just watching breath at nostrils then moving to abdomen. Throughout significant portions, had a curious twitch in my upper lip which, when it happened, I focused attention on trying to see each twitch (it occasionally went very fast). Tension in abdomen, never fully relaxed. Random thoughts, very quick, not engaging. Did not note anxiety/fear to correlate with tension in abdomen. Weak raptures/tremors in arms and back. Core pulse was particularly evident and often noting cycled between those pulses and in/out breath with little interruption. Pain and numbness in one knee and leg, watching vibrations in each. Occasional "pop" sounds in house...on one of them I actually felt the sound in my head a split second after I heard it. "Sound of silence" very strong, noting wobbles in its frequency.

Hi Tomo, I always look forward to your messages. Maybe because my experience now is similar to yours. But I am still some distance behind you.

"Off in thought loop, returning to a wave of "rapture" "- Tomo

I recalled you wrote this a few times. I also wonder why I experience rapture after returning from wandering thought, as oppose to "focusing on the breath without thoughts".

Rapture was a big deal to me when I first experienced it in great intensity, back at a Dec09 retreat. But till now, I do not experience the Happiness part. Maybe I am experiencing it , but do not know that is Happiness.

In thread 56, you mentioned "My intent is to approach the 11th nana from a concentration standpoint, getting to J4 and then vipassana-ize that to move up the Path". Do you mean one can bypass the Dukkha nanas by doing that. Is there any text or more information on this?

peong

""Off in thought loop, returning to a wave of "rapture" "- Tomo

I recalled you wrote this a few times. I also wonder why I experience rapture after returning from wandering thought, as oppose to "focusing on the breath without thoughts".

...

In thread 56, you mentioned "My intent is to approach the 11th nana from a concentration standpoint, getting to J4 and then vipassana-ize that to move up the Path". Do you mean one can bypass the Dukkha nanas by doing that. Is there any text or more information on this?
"

Hi peong,

Regarding rapture on return from thought, I have been wondering why this seems to happen too. At first I thought it was a one-off thing, but it happens quite a bit and so must be something real. Perhaps it is a jhanic arc thing, where being lost in thought essentially bumps you down to the beginning, and when you return you retrace your steps very quickly, essentially ramming back into raptures much more intensely. Dunno.

As to the bypassing of dukkha nanas, I am also the wrong person to speak authoritatively on this. But clearly there are traditions that focus on concentration rather than vipassana to reach SE, and so taking a purely concentration tack seems valid. I just want to get there (high equanimity and then beyond) and don't really care about bypassing things as much as taking a route that I seem to be having more success with. Same destination, different path up the mountain.

30m samatha this morning. Breath increasingly obvious on upper lip. Some "online" thought loops, but minor distractions with good breath contact. Tremors then more rapturous waves down arms and back, more than once. Significant thought digression, return met with intense rapture wave. Breath starts to labour on its own. Rapture. Very easy breath now, much more bliss-like, less intense but somewhat more continuous tingling of arms. Breath getting much fainter, looking for something else to lock onto. Start to get an expansion feeling, with lots of tension in arms and back -- feel like a balloon, with tension being tautness of balloon skin. Focusing on that as breath is very faint, insides feel kind of hollow. Not much expansion before bell rings.

Getting coffee after sit, I feel rather hyper-aware, mindfully present, watching all the steps as I get/add the fixings. Trippy.

"In thread 56, you mentioned "My intent is to approach the 11th nana from a concentration standpoint, getting to J4 and then vipassana-ize that to move up the Path". Do you mean one can bypass the Dukkha nanas by doing that. Is there any text or more information on this?
"

More on what I said in 92, there is this gem from Kenneth's latest BG interview:

***
This goes to the perennial concern about samatha meditation, about 'concentration meditation' that leads to jhana. If all you're doing is gaining new places in which to be embedded, that is not enlightenment. The whole point, if you want to awaken, is not to be embedded. It is to dis-embed. However, there is a real relationship between these deeply concentrated states and enlightenment because concentration gives us access to places in the mind that we would not otherwise have. We can then dis-embed from places in the mind that were previously unconscious.

If we cannot concentrate, we are always floundering around on the surface, in the froth at the top of the ocean of the mind. The ocean of the mind is so deep. You don't just want to be on the froth on the surface; you want to be able to go plumb the depths of it, and concentration allows you to do that.
***

I don't want to embed in jhanas, especially J4. But you need to get there to go on and I just want to get there the best way for me.

Somewhat remarkable sit tonight. My iPhone was out of juice after I got into position, so I could not time it without getting up. I elected to just go until I felt I needed to stop, and it ended up being a good 70m or so.

I chose vipassana, and made a concerted effort to note well. Most of my noting was physical, breathing in/out, pain, numb, etc. Thoughts came and went, some imagery. Pain, pain, numb, numb. This was starting to hurt.

But then I got a small lump in my throat. And it got bigger, and I could feel tension building incredibly in my neck. And I was kind of dispassionately watching from "over here", noting the tension and lump getting bigger and bigger. I remember thinking "ain't me", "impermanent". I really was *watching* this happen to my body, and it seemed kind of significant so I let it go on. I could swallow through it, but could not make it go away. I thought "bring it on!", taunting it, daring it to get bigger. It complied. Then at some point I stopped focusing on it, mentally shrugging and looking away, and after a bit it slowly faded. And got replaced by a really big, quiet place.

I don't recall being here before, it was substantially different. Big, like the expansions I have been feeling, but much bigger. Quiet, still. I could continue to note things, but they seemed much further away. Breath barely there. Pain and numbness in leg were registering, but not much beyond just checking in. I felt kind of weightless but, at the same time, I could sense my whole body. I stayed here for a little while, but felt I should get to bed so I tried to unwind "back down", and it took a lot of effort. Even with eyes open, I could still stay in "this place". I assumed I was somewhere higher up in the arc, so I mentally walked myself backwards until I could get up, and even that took time.

For the second time today, I need to use the word: trippy.

45m sit tonight, again focusing on noting well. Noting mostly physical sensations, coupled with different types of thoughts. But for the second session in a row, I was met (eventually) by this profound throat tightening. I was able to explore this a bit more, and it looked as though it was just really intense straining in my neck, but I was definitely not doing it voluntarily. I felt as though I were peering into it, trying to untangle it, and it very slowly started to diminish. Again, it started to get replaced by that "happy place" I mentioned last night, but wouldn't you know it, the bell rang just as I was getting into it. I tried to stop the bell (mindfully) and sit with the sensation a while, but that might have jinxed it because it was not as deep and profound as last night. Nonetheless, I feel as though I was on the edge of something big, cool, cavelike.

To be continued, I hope. Uh, not that I am striving or grasping, of course.

45m last night, 30m this morning. Vipassana. I did not make notes of last night's sit, and now can remember little of it. Noting physical sensations, mind states, and specific thoughts. Some strong rapture as I return from a mind loop. I do recall at one point being back down at the bottom of the arc, feeling very awake and "un-concentrated" as though I had just sat down. By end of sit I was in a spacious state of mind, not as big as those most recently described, but feeling very "in my head". No throat tightening. Oh, and I do recall one fairly large fear episode, prompted by strange, scary visual thing.

This morning, basic noting. Physically comfortable, relaxed. Noting a lot of mental chatter. Anxiety, frustration, disappointment. Tingling, tension, breathing. 30m does not seem long enough for me to get into deeper places.

45m tonight, in a well concentrated state although I was practicing noting as opposed to pure samatha. No strong raptures as I got deeper, and yet eventually arrived at a very spacious strata of mind. Continued noting, although significantly less was "going on", mostly external inputs. Noting pleasure, relaxation, quiet. Expansion sensation in head, light pressure on brow. Then a sudden increase in pressure around the crown. It felt like I was wearing a crown that was pushed on too tight. Noted sensations around that, as it dissipated after a couple of minutes. Tingling in scalp, tingling in arms. Trying to note each tingle, not super successfully but better than just a blurry buzz. Continued in spacious place until the end, easily for 2/3 of the whole sit.

45m tonight. Just sitting. Noting.