Ron's Practice Journal

"Something new is starting... for the past week I've been starting out at A&P when I sit, and it was great. I'd sit and boom! Rising energy, light, pleasure and excitement. The past two times that I sat it just didn't happen. It was solid, normal and well... boring. Especially after all the recent fireworks, this is a bit of a let down.-RonCrouch
"

At this point, you can probably decide which fork to take. You can either go into review phase A of 1st Path, or you can go into 1st nana/jhana of the next insight cycle (moving toward 2nd Path). For awhile, both options will be available to you just by making a resolution or decision to go one way or the other. Eventually, the mind will gravitate strongly toward the new insight cycle and by the time you get the new A&P, it won't be easy to review 1st Path until after 2nd Path is complete.

Interesting that you don't seem to be spontaneously going into review phase B before moving on to the next insight cycle. More data points...

This reminds me of why I reached out to a teacher and wanted to keep an online journal in the first place - the accountability keeps me moving forward. I think I rested on my laurels a bit for a few days, so here goes.

For the days following path (about 5-6 days) I would always start out at A&P. I quickly moved up to equanimity (within 10 minutes) and would hang there for some time, up to half an hour perhaps. The experience of equanimity was very blissful, calm, clear, full of a sensation of light and energy or tickling/tingling sensations at my crown and third eye area. Then at some point I would find myself back in A&P. Either I recognized the cessation or could pick up on the bliss wave once in A&P and knew I had a fruition. Then I would move up the arc again, this time much more quickly, and be back in equanimity within 5 minutes or so. Along the way the stages were clear, and the DN stages were very quick in passing.

In addition to this, I would play around with jhanas, usually around bedtime or just after waking up, and would see how "deep" I could get into any of them. What I found was that while I could jump to any of them as quickly as I wanted, cultivating them was a whole other matter, and took more discipline. I don't think I became absorbed, but I was able to get the jhana symptoms to increase in intensity quite a bit. What I found myself focusing on was the slow work of "spreading" the sensation of the jhana, from something that felt localized in the head to something that was more clearly throughout the body. It took me a long time and I had variable success (one day it worked and the next day it didn't).

Then on Tuesday I sat and... nothing. I was expecting A&P, but just felt typical body sensations. I didn't sit for very long. Then on Wednesday the same thing happened.

This morning I sat briefly and found myself back in A&P briefly.

Thanks for the update Ron, very interesting and helpful for the rest of us.

I'll second that. This has been immensely helpful. I was reading your journal yesterday which helped me figure out what was going on here as well. It's amazing to see your progress. Very inspiring!

"I'll second that. This has been immensely helpful. I was reading your journal yesterday which helped me figure out what was going on here as well. It's amazing to see your progress. Very inspiring!"

Ditto. Thanks, Ron!

Hi Ron,

When I discovered that i had access to the jhanas post-path, I tried going deeper into them from their superficial states. I tried just "willing" the mind to go deeper, relaxing the intention and I found the mind would just go deeper automatically. Try just resolving while in the jhana for the mind to go to it's depths and then let go of that intention. See what happens.

Nick

In re deeper into jhanas -- there is a sort of "handle" that every jhana has, and in my experience it is to be found in association with the breath. If you find that handle then merely observing it, not doing anything but observing, will allow the mind to sink deeper and deeper in to that particular state.

Ok - this is a bit confusing. I just sat and it started at A&P and went quickly up to equanimity. I wonder what this is about. It is like I go back and forth between the two "modes."

I've also found that with path the 2nd gear practice is becoming easier. I'm able to shift to it more quickly and it feels more tuned in than before.

"Ok - this is a bit confusing. I just sat and it started at A&P and went quickly up to equanimity. I wonder what this is about. It is like I go back and forth between the two 'modes.'"-RonCrouch

Yes, it's common to oscillate between the current review phase and the upcoming development phase for awhile. It's always confusing. When the new A&P kicks in, you'll get your bearings again. Meanwhile, it can be disorienting and discouraging as you find that you have only sporadic access to your newfound powers of mind. Often, you'll find yourself mired in the 3rd nana again, with everything seeming solid and impenetrable. It's all part of the passing parade and very normal at this stage.

Thanks for inspiring us all, and thanks for your clear reporting.

Kenneth

Thanks Kenneth, it is good to know that this is all normal.

I went to the park this afternoon to meditate outside since it is so nice here in Chicago. I started out at A&P and moved up to equanimity slowly today, caught myself daydreaming more than usual. Once in equanimity I moved slowly from low to high, and am getting a better understanding of what those terms mean. It feels as if I am somehow slowly increasing the "frequency" of some energy that is central to the the stage, as if energy is building and getting more exciting and then- pop! My body shakes and trembles, and I feel a distinct "downshift" and am back in equanimity.

Also working to find the jhana "handles" that Chris describes. I think I stumbled upon the one for 2nd jhana this afternoon and was able to experience a sudden increase in the strength of the jhana, but no absorption yet.

Very cool, Ron. Thanks for the clear updates.

Today I sat three times totaling about 2 hours. The first sit in the morning started at A&P and went up to equanimity, but no fruition. I don't think that I've experienced a fruition in several days. I sat in equanimity for close to half an hour and it became a very powerful state, very blissful, with sensations of light, energy being very "active" at the crown and third eye area, and a high frequency vibratory quality that lasted for some time after the sit.

The second sit I started out at... nothing. I felt solid and heavy, sensations were not clear and there was a lot of daydreaming. I noted the thoughts (planning thought, memory, fantasy, etc) and the body sensations (itching, coolness, aching, expansion, warmth, etc). At some point in the noting, I felt a distinct sensation of "stepping back" and thoughts became more distinct from bodily sensations. Additionally, the felt sensation of "watching" became stronger and the noting became easier. Moments later I felt a pulsing sensation running from my upper chest and into my third eye area, accompanied by a tremor of my upper lip. Then a sensation of light, and rising energy. That is where that sit concluded.

The last sit I experimented with the jhanas, and returned to the good ol' Pa Auk Sayadaw method, where one focuses exclusively on the spot just below the nostrils and next to the upper lip and tries to ignore everything but the passing of the breath across that one spot. I found that I quickly experienced a bright light centered above my head and powerful body sensations that were intensely pleasurable (at one point I was shaking). These sensations were similar to those experienced during A&P but stronger. At no point did I become "absorbed" (which for me means that I'm totally in the jhana and sensations other than the jhana are virtually gone), but the mind felt so bright and clear.

Continued...

By bright I mean literally "bright"; when I closed my eyes it was as if I were looking into a bright space. I remembered somewhere reading about how the "purity of mind" in concentration practice can lead to deeper insight, so after about 20 minutes of concentration, I turned back to vipassana and did the noting practice for another 20 minutes. This time I started out with a sharp distinction between thoughts and bodily sensations, and noted them for five minutes or so (tingling, pleasant, softness, pressure, warmth, questioning thought, wishing thought, boredom, itching, interest, etc.). Very soon I experienced rising energy and a "turbulence" in the bright light, where patches of it faded and became brighter. This was accompanied by a trembling sensation in my facial muscles. After a few minutes of noting a sudden rush of energy went from my abdomen to my head (and out?), a few minutes later, I experienced a slowing of the breath, a change in its cadence, and a sinking, comfortable feeling. It became difficult to note and I felt day-dreamy. I stayed with the practice and the sense of "brightness" increased and I noted pressure at my forehead which built up and then a sudden wave of fear, followed quickly by grimacing and scrunching around my eyes. Then it felt like dozens of little pinpricks occurred all over my body and everything sped up in my field of attention. I kept noting, and soon the activity resolved, I felt lighter and everything was less intense. My initial feeling was relief, and I began congratulating myself, engaged in an internal monologue about where I was and how difficult the path had just been when - I suddenly felt lots of pinpricks again - doh!
I experienced the same sensations again in reverse order, and still felt bright and alert when I got up at the end.
It is just speculation at this point, but it looks like doing some concentration before noting practice really helped.

THANKS

I've been out of the loop for a while due to lots of family stuff going on. Still, I've kept a pretty consistent practice and have a few things to report.

First, Kenneth asked that I see if I can access any of the formless jhanas, and I've been giving them a try. So far, I have to say, yes, I'm accessing something beyond equanimity, but it isn't easy to describe. There is what feels like a bit of a "downshift" in energy, from high vibratory brightness, to something more diffuse. It happens like this: I get into what I recognize is high equanimity and imagine an infinite line or infinite space. Then a clear shift occurs and the "physical" sensations of equanimity virtually dissappear and a big refocus seems to happen where attention goes to a mental experience that is very difficult for me to describe. I'll try to report more on this as I get more experience with it.

Another thing that is happening is that I am starting out at Mind and Body more and more frequently and less at A&P. However, I still experience both, sometimes in the same sit This morning started out at A&P and got up to equanimity, took a brief break (less than five minutes) and came back and started at Mind and Body.

Lastly, the 2nd gear practice has kicked up a few notches in a much more serious way. I have taken to doing this practice while driving, and the past four days we have been on lots of road trips so I've been doing it more. When I do it there is a distinct sensation that comes with it which is pleasurable, and this is what has increased, along with the feeling of being detached from whatever is going on.

Thank you for the consistently fine reporting, Ron. This is really helpful.

Thanks Kenneth.

Today and yesterday I sat once and both times started from the beginning. I just sat for half an hour and went through the insight stages all the way up to equanimity though it was more stable this time. A couple things to note, the insight knowledge of disgust was very difficult this time and included a powerful wave of nausea. However it did not last long (two minutes maybe). Strangely, reobservation was practically a kitten, with few body aches or pains and a swift shift into equanimity.

I'm getting a little of the anticipation I had before first path, but I know not to make a big deal of it and just let everything unfold naturally.

Nice Ron keep up the good work

After a discussion with Kenneth I believe that what I'm currently experiencing is what he calls "review phase B". Right now when I sit, I am always starting out at the "bottom" of the arc and work up to equanimity, occasionally notice a fruition (but probably experience more than I notice), and then go back down the arc in reverse order. Right now it feels like moving up and down the arc is getting easier and smoother. A benefit of this phase is that I'm getting better at recognizing some of the subtleties of the stages, and during each sit it seems as if something new comes up; an unexpectedly strong reaction, a smoother moment when a rougher one is expected and sensations that were always there but went unnoticed. I can see why it is called a "review phase."

I want to sit a lot right now, but at the same time I'm getting kind of bored with sitting. It is a strange feeling. I'm starting to feel unsatisfied more than usual with where I'm at and I'm getting kind of "ancy" during sits.

Nik recommended that I resolve to get into the next cycle and I'm taking that advice starting today. I definitely feel some sort of urge or pull to move on.

Additionally, I've been cultivating the arupa jhanas more lately and they are really wonderful. The first one, infinite space, is different than I expected. What I had thought would happen is that the boundaries of my body would disappear and the sensation of space would become something beyond imagining. I think I've read reports of people who've had that kind of experience. What happens to me is that my body boundaries stay firmly in place, but my attention to them goes much farther to the background of awareness. Attention goes to a new mental experience, which is strangely like a physical experience - but definitely mental. The experience is like... hard to describe, but I can see why it's called "infinite space" though the name can be a little misleading. The experience is one of "space", the mental experience of space becomes prominent, and it starts to expand while also going nowhere at all. I know that makes no sense in words, but it is how it feels. Like some sort of spacial mobius strip that keeps looping back on itself, but the looping back part is out of awareness, only the going out part is there, or some sort of movement of space that seems to be rapidly going outward but goes nowhere, like a cosmic treadmill. It is very difficult to put into words.

From there, the movement to infinite consciousness is almost more grounding, and "looping back" quality of infinite space becomes clear because the witness is where it loops back to.

It has been nearly a week since I posted and that is not typical for me, so I think there is some change going on that is impacting my attitude toward the practice.

As I pointed out in the last posting, there is this dissatisfaction creeping into the practice and it is growing day by day. Each time I sit I find myself hoping, actually hoping, that nothing will happen so I can move on to the next cycle. But then the pulsing and lights and raptures start up and up the arc I go.

I feel a bit like a spoiled brat here. After all, now I have access to wonderful mind-states and have come to a great pit stop on the path where I can rest, but all I'm finding is restlessness!

Either I need to change my attitude or things need to get moving. Funny, once I do the first, then I bet the second will happen.

haha old territory can have a way of feeling old hat... its normal... cue respirator sound from scuba tank... "Everything is proceeding as I have foreseen"

"how man times can you laugh at the same joke?" -- bill hamilton

Hey, Ron, remember what we talked about Saturday? Second path. Confusing. Confounding. Crazy. It's okay, though. What will happen with your practice is probably going to happen no matter how you feel or, frankly, what you do. Relax into this. It's all grist for the mill. And if you want to sit down and talk just PM me. You helped me so maybe now it's my turn

Thanks guys! Chris, I think I'll take you up on that soon. I'm going to talk with Kenneth on Sunday too, so that should help. Jeez, what a goofy and strange part of the path. It's like it want to tease me. Oh well, might as well enjoy the ride and not get too worked up, just like you said Chris - just let it happen and watch the thing work.