Emptiness Almost Within Reach

Hello,

I'm going to start a thread here that records my practice, such as it is, from day to day. I'm going to start this off with a report on my experience of a ten-day retreat at Bhavana Society in mid-March. From then on, it'll be a report on the more current comings and goings, haha.

Warning, this report is a highly personal one, by which I mean it's not meant to sound "spiritually advanced," I suppose. It has material that some may find confusing or uncomfortable or off-putting or offensive or tedious. In other words, it's a rough draft and most valuable, I hope, as just that, a rough draft. (Otherwise, I'd have edited it.) Enjoy! Or...Cringe! Whichever. : )

So, here's the report, written a few days after I returned:

So, I'm back from retreat, and boy am I confused - but at the moment I'm delighting in the space around that confusion. Wha?! Well, you see, the retreat technique was all fairly strict Theravada (led by Bhante Rahula, in case you know him...in fact, I could write a whole report just on the many facets of my relationship with him over the ten days, but I'll save that for later. Importantly, we clicked on some level useful for practice and I could relate to his instructions well). But, anyways, I've returned seeing it all from something more like a Zen perspective. I've never been more convinced that mind states like confusion are impermanent, dissatisfactory, and not self. Ignorance is clearly concocted by this so-called thing 'the personal mind'; it'snot inherent in reality. So, while I'm discovering an impersonal awareness transcends that mind and its self-delusion, 'I' could never express that in any permanent, satisfactory, or personal way. And yet...there's no other way to express it! I can only be awake as Ryan, so Ryan is as good an awakeness as any other. Make sense?

I thought I was going through some 3 Char. stuff heading into the retreat, and then A&P and then I seemed to encounter the Dark Night on Day One, with bizzare feelings of horror arising when I glimsed mundane things like a fellow retreatant sitting down. I talked with Bhante Rahula about this, and he was distinctly unimpressed, saying that all these knowledges of suffering and the A&P, etc. didn't involve superficial mind-states. So,on days one and two I became increasingly frustrated with his style (particularly Bhante Rahula's bizzare unidentifiable 'accent'), and unhappy with the setting, and pissed off by Theravada culture, and beating myself up about mentioning any of that to him...

Report continued...


...and then things mellowed out on days three and four.

Days five and six and seven were definitely the best practice days. Days 8 and 9 not much good practice, because I was getting really wound up about the future (making wondrously exciting plans for positive changes in my daily life, and simultaneously quite paranoid and convinced, for some reason, that I was going to die in a car crash on the ride home).

There was one time, however, on the night of day 9, when I got really stuck in thought and lost in stuff and totally foggy, and was trying to do a "floating awareness" practice that had worked wonders earlier, and then at some point I just gave up the struggle, left the hall and walked back to my kuti 'resting as awareness' of whatever I encountered all the way until I lay down and fell asleep. I had been paying attention to no-self in a session the day before, with a simple note of "not it," like that old tag game from childhood. Sounds a little cheesy, but it worked pretty darn well as a way to be aware of any mind and body sensations arising and passing away, and thus clearly not being self. So, during that restful walk home, I created a sort of mantra of "not object, not observer," "not sound, not hearer," "not thought, not thinker," "not sight, not seer." It sounds irritatingly forced and imitative and contrived when I describe it now, but felt more natural and spontaneous and very profound at the time. Does that make sense?

Continued more...


My best practice sessions involved the 'floating awareness' practice where I began with breath as the object and then dropped that and just began noting as many sensations as I could, until there was clearly little distinction between those from "out there" and those from "in here", and then a sense of awareness would often arise, (in the sense of the Watcher, or the Witness), and for a little while there was a sense of a greater awareness knowing that awareness. Very much like the PoC levels, although oddly enough I wasn't aiming for that, in the least, just aiming to see impermanence clearly. Ha!

A few other good sessions involved bare attention noting, some of it finely tuned to detail, but actually one of the most successful was simply a gradual walking meditation that led into very general but rapid noting of basic sense contact, "seeing, touching, hearing." It was like a game of musical chairs, where attention moved from one sense door to another so fast that a basic sense of self was repeatedly the odd one out enough times that it 'lost the game' for a little while, so to speak.

Lots of images arising of eyes, lots of Buddha images, lots of pinwheel galaxies spinning, and images associated with breathing rhythms. The eyeball fluttering, squinting, spinal twisting and a little bit of shaking from before continued throughout the retreat.

And still more...

There were a few intense sessions where there was such a strange intuitive feeling of Emptiness that it almost seemed within reach (Ha! Emptiness almost within reach...now, there's a great phrase!), but for all my efforts and non-efforts, I didn't attain stream entry. There were plenty of moments that I convinced myself might have been fruitions, but weren't. At one point there was this weird holographic image that arose, as though the realm of conditioned phenomena were like one of those 3-D topographical diagrams on top of a blank background. And the thought arose that the unconditioned was the "flip side" of that diagram image. This led to a strong conviction that nothing can cause the unconditioned; it can only be realized by ceasing causes (thus ceasing impermanence, dissatisfaction, and self-delusion).

A few physical things were prevalent, too, especially a LOT of pain in my knees. On Daniel's advice from MCTB, I decided not to play the hero and be nice to my poor knees. So, I would endure within reason and then mix it up among sitting and walking and standing, or between half-lotus, sitting on my calves/feet, and sitting on a bench beside the skeleton outside the hall. I also tried reclining once, but fell asleep, as usual. I also developed a sore irritation involving my tongue, throat tissue and uvula, feeling as though there was a small piece of apple perpetually stuck in the back of my throat. That became really annoying, especially when I was noticing subtle sensations and then this big irresistible swallowing would arise. Crazy thoughts began to flow about tracheal problems and throat cancer and forever losing all ability to speak. It's actually just some soreness and inflammation that should go away quickly. And it's already been less of an issue since I arrived home. But boy, my mind in the meditation environment was happy to make it seem like a really big deal. I mentioned it toa fellow retreatant who's a doctorand described the details. He said it may have been some irritation on the tip of the my epiglottis, and recommended gargling to soothe it. Speaking of soothing, the yoga part of the days was generally really excellent and necessary for me.

And lastly...

Right now I feel pretty exhausted from all the exertion. The main leftover sensation I'm aware of is a throbbing, pulsing, shifting, sliding tension in my upper eyes, bridge of my nose, and forehead. It's persisted for about two days now. Never happened before. Sometimes it it starts to clear my eyebrow, and consolidate/apparently resolve moving up towards my hairline, before fallling back down, and then often swinging to the right, or teasing me with two waves moving in from opposite directions, before resuming the regular position. Another thing: earlier this morning, if I was unmindful of the present moment, I felt unhappy - almost depressed, but then if I was mindful, I felt a burden lifting and a sense of happiness and calm arising within seconds. That's never been so stark a contrast before. I also felt some clearing up of the forehead tension, not like it's going away, but spreading out along the surface of my forehead. Right now, though, it's back in a tight formation around the bridge of my nose and what I suppose is the third-eye region, though I've never been very familiar with all of that.

In addition to the retreat report, I also wanted to share a dream that I had recently.


I had a very unusual dream last night. In the dream I was standing with my Mom in the kitchen at her house, and we're facing each other, as though something is about to happen, and she asks me, "Are you ready?" to which I reply, "Yes" and then I die, or rather, the whole thing (me and the world around me) dissolves or explodes into white light, and then I notice that I'm reciting the refuge chant (buddham saranam gachami, etc.) within a fading second stage of that realm, and then I'm back in the kitchen. Later on in the night, I feel the tension sensations in my forehead I mentioned in my last email, and then they start expanding into the rest of my body, feeling like heavy liquid like mercury, as though I'm T-1000 in the Terminator movies. I'm a little unnerved and resistant, but then I think to just let it expand, and the same thing happens, like an exploding or dissolving into white light. Now, my sense is that this is A&P territory, but there was something different about this than any A&P experience I'd had before.

After all that voluminous stuff, here's a very brief note on where I'm at now:

There's no problem to be solved, merely a present moment that is either clear or unclear.

What this means in plain speak is being aware that I'm opening the mailbox this afternoon, or being aware that I'm irritated by someone getting on the train as I'm getting off, being aware of imagining the imaginary person reading this thread as I type...knowing whatever's going on now.

It's just mindfulness and the happiness that arises with simple knowing of this moment, how suffering does not exist when this sort of knowledge exists.

And as I look back on my day at work and at home, I can see how all this is all prefigured by intentions, thoughts and actions. It's true that clarity demands virtue (however one's circumstances define that), so that knowledge of the present is well-greased by concentration, which naturally arises in that restful moment enabled by virtue.

I'm talking about a sense of fulfillment that comes about naturally with the most basic mindfulness now.

"Comfort is not a goal worthy of your sincerest efforts.'

- Steve Armstrong

wow, thanks, I loved all that
keep it coming!

"And as I look back on my day at work and at home, I can see how all this is all prefigured by intentions, thoughts and actions. It's true that clarity demands virtue (however one's circumstances define that), so that knowledge of the present is well-greased by concentration, which naturally arises in that restful moment enabled by virtue.

I'm talking about a sense of fulfillment that comes about naturally with the most basic mindfulness now."

Really like that bit. Thank you for sharing your experiences.

Thanks, Mike and livinlite! (sorry, don't know your offline name). Glad my contributions were valuable to you both in some way. I recommend reading my practical companion to this thread, as well.

tiny.cc/5mnjv

'No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.' '“Albert Einstein

This quote gave me a lot of hope today, because it's so plain to see that with good practice I can't help but operate at a higher level of consciousness than the one that creates the problems in my life. And - done correctly - it takes SO LITTLE TIME to get there, it's just a matter of keeping my commitment to doing the practice and getting better at it.


Edit: omitted a word

In the moment now I become of the opinion that enlightenment is just another snare, and then I become of the opinion that not-believing in enlightenment is yet another snare. Then I become of the feeling of tension, heat, tingling, contraction, expansion, touching, tickling, itching, heat, coolness, windiness, judging thought, imaging thought, remembering thought, imaging thought, judging thought, investigating thought, curiosity, impatience, suspicion, uncertainty, assurance, aching, neutral, pleasant, unpleasant, unpleasant, neutral, pleasant, pleasant, unpleasant, pleasant, neutral, fatigue, excitement, sadness, amusement, confidence, worry, apprehension, speculation, investigation, doubt, irritation, contentment, restlessness, fatigue, interest, amusement, confusion, remembering thought, pleasant, remembering thought, pleasant, planning thought, unpleasant, grasping, attraction, boredom, irritation, amusement, fatigue, pride, shame, amusement, irritation, contentment, long in breath, dullness, distraction, remembering thought, unpleasant, short in breath, short out breath, pressure, seeing, unpleasant, evaluating thought, planning thought, intention, movement, evaluating thought, unpleasant, pleasant, amusement, pride, doubt, fatigue, irritation, contentment....

continued below

I'm beginning to understand grudgingly how preference for any one kind of experience over another is foolish, and how non-preference for any kind of experience is really much more wise. And I'm beginning to understand how the noting practice facilitates non-preference -- which I suppose is just another word for equanimity.

I still don't get how this leads to enlightenment, though, and how mastery of this is all that is required for arahantship. I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere, and in fact I'm feeling less and less sure that there's anywhere to get to, then relief, then despair, then appreciation for how being dis-embedded is valuable. I mean, who would want to be embedded in despair if they didn't have to be???!!!! Same with the pleasant sensations of appreciation; they just become unpleasant if clung to / embedded in.

This seems like the middle way, and it's also not very glamorous, which reveals one of my sneaky assumptions about enlightenment and the path leading there (that it's glamorous). *chuckles* *sighs*

"The Great Way is not difficult, if only there is no picking or choosing."

Xin Xin Ming

Develop an appreciation for paradox and apparent contradiction, sit back, relax and take the ride for its own sake and life will be marvelous

Thanks, Matt and Chris. I appreciate your encouragement.

This podcast from Vince Horn with Ken Wilber has been a good listen today. I recommend it.

personallifemedia.com/podcasts/236-buddh...zontal-vertical/play

Sat for 30 minutes today. Began with tension, twisting, warmth, pressure, irritation, softness, contraction, expansion, rapid breathing, twisting, arms flailing, eyeballs fluttering, face contorting, teeth clenching, remembering thought, irritation, planning thought, pleasant, imagining thought, flailing, wretching, rapid breathing, long inhale, calm, pleasant, twitching, tickling, irritation, pleasant, unpleasant, remembering thought, more flailing, more teeth clenching and so on...the most predominant sensation was energy collecting at my root chakra and my arms and legs flailing to compensate for the fact that I wanted nothing more than to fly out of my seat, with a big upward bolt, and a few times I did jolt upright or up out of my seat a half inch or so, and once or twice I was sprung out of my seat (in a chair) and had to catch myself with my hands, as to not land on my head on the floor (as if I were doing a somersault out of my chair and then stopped mid-way and sat back down). Lots of energy and it was all ok. Sometimes the teeth clenching was met with aversion, and there was plenty of irritation and agitation, but very little mental agitation, very little thought going on, except for a few predominant planning thoughts of writing this report, remembering thoughts of previous sits like this one, and imagining thoughts of how the energy might travel up through my body and get out like it so desperately longed to. Some amusement, as well. Not much frustration, actually, and a good bit of happiness at learning to make friends with this stuff. It really wasn't a big problem, only occasionally a source of irritation like going through a rehearsal and starting back over again, "Ok, guys, take two....now take eight.....not take eleven," etc. It as tiring, but I felt patient with it. Like I was finally willing to just go through as many takes as we'd need, me and these energy players, these not bad, just mildly disorganized pals of mine.

Just wanted to briefly give a shout-out to the practice of noting thought, as well as the bystander practice ("see how it thinks").

Amazing how much energy I save when I'm able to do this alertly. (And how much energy I waste getting lost in thought.) Thought is definitely my area of highest 'embeddedness', and conversely the realm of experience where the most relief occurs when I succeed at dis-embedding.

Also, I'm noticing how the bystander can be a way to arouse gratitude for the ability to think, at times when thoughts turn to negative judgments of the thinking process (which I do notice, however absurd it may sound). Metta practice is really good, too, of course, for consciously directing thought in a positive direction, but sometimes "see how it thinks," can be a simpler way to just reflect appreciatively on how cool it is that we can think at all.

I listened to part 1 of the Hurricane Ranch podcast today. I found it to be really worthwhile in a few specific ways:

* Helpful in clarifying a number of practical points, for instance the tradeoffs of samatha-heavy versus and vipassana-heavy practice,

* Inspiring to me, as a young practitioner who is seriously into practice - but not yet skilled at a high level

* and just plain fun to listen to - a bunch of knowledgeable, good-natured and down-to-earth people enjoying each others' company.

I recommend giving it a listen. I'm looking forward to the next 2 parts.

www.interactivebuddha.com/podcasts.shtml

Whoa. The third part in this series blew my socks off. This series of podcasts has now been upgraded to HIGHLY recommended.

Apologies to Daniel for stealing his metaphor, but consider this:

Imagine wanting to become a really good chef, and then finding a cookbook with recipes by five really excellent chefs, and then finding that you can actually cook while you read the book they've written, and then reading later on in this book words like, "Hey, give yourself permission to make really seriously delicious food," and then really cooking and getting to eat that delicious food AS YOU READ THE EFFIN BOOK!!!

That's a decent description of what listening to this podcast has been like.

Now, there's a big caveat here, to bring this back down to earth a little bit. Just because I can cook while reading their book doesn't mean that the food I make tastes as good as what they're making. I'm learning to cook like them, not cooking like them. But there's actually no reason why I can't learn to make food that tastes just as good. After all, the kitchen couldn't be any bigger. ; )

So, if you can practice while listening to this podcast, I can't stress enough the power of doing THAT, rather than just listening.

IMHO, denigrate the "fake it until you make it" method at your own peril...if you're working from a heavenly, mouth-watering prototype, that fake cake is going to taste pretty damn good, and not only will that teach you how to make the real thing, it's also going to motivate you to keep at it, because you're getting results every step of the way.

A friend of mine posted this quote as his gchat status today, and while I'm not really familiar with Kafka, I found it rather compelling - especially from a Dharma standpoint.

"truth produces no success; truth only shatters what is shattered" --Kafka

Dear reader, please bear with this rambling spew, I think it might be really valid somehow.

So, I had an interesting little moment of reflection today at work, where upon doing some basic four foundations mindfulness while weeding, paying attention to sensations of body, mind-states, thoughts, as well as the phenomenon of 'paying attention' itself, there arose a peculiar realization:

I've been assuming all along that 'enlightenment' or whatever we wish to call this "thing I am seeking," is OTHER than me.

Why? Now that I understand (to some degree) that the sensations making up this sense of "I" are in fact empty and inconstant, what in the world could possibly be a barrier or obstacle? What's trying to get somewhere?

That's the whole point, really: that whatever's going on all the time is the appearance and disappearance of sensations that are making up -- in other words, fabricating -- a sense of a Self that is some of experience but not all of it, along with all the other assumptions that arise from that basic one.

Well, then, if this sense of self is an illusion, then what in the world am "I" seeking? And what in the world produces that illusion - one some level - but the seeking?

Continued below...