Emptiness Almost Within Reach

"There has been a great deal of openness in my body, but I think this was all a joke about the details of fruition and such that I've read about lately on Nikolai's guide on Facebook. It's a little sad, but quite a good joke, nonetheless, to be honest. I feel confident that I can get this done, and also still blissful, and also encouraged by my own ability to spot the dummy (of a fake path moment).

Ok. Back to sleep. "
"

Hi Ryguy,

I had an interesting chat with Owen and Clayton last night and we compared fruition experiences. There are quite a lot of individual differences. It seems that it depends on what your focus is, what you're interested in experiencing,perhaps what technique you've been practicing. In other words, don't take my descriptions as the gospel cause they ain't. Hehe!. I really know very little. Looks like you are getting close though. Awesome!

"Eyes glued to this thread! "


*notes excitement*

LOL

"Hi Ryguy,

I had an interesting chat with Owen and Clayton last night and we compared fruition experiences. There are quite a lot of individual differences. It seems that it depends on what your focus is, what you're interested in experiencing,perhaps what technique you've been practicing. In other words, don't take my descriptions as the gospel cause they ain't. Hehe!. I really know very little. Looks like you are getting close though. Awesome! "


Thanks, Nikolai.

And, yeah, right on about the gospel. Where is the gospel? In this tension, this shivering, this coolness. Nowhere else.

A formal-practice-related life-decisions note:

I just learned that I've been accepted as a resident at Bhavana Society (Bhante Gunuratana's place in West Virginia). I've been looking for something like this for years now -- being a professional yogi for a while without ordaining, and now I'm finally on my way.

It's funny, I expected to feel elation, but rather I actually feel deeply relieved.

Edit: Adjusting for less buy-in to the practice-life dichotomy. ; )

On a more immediate note, sat yesterday for thirty minutes, and today for 45 - followed by 15 minutes walking. Lots of drowsiness yesterday and some knee pain today.

But the more successful periods were very strong and steady. Watching gross and subtle sensations flow in and out at intervals. Noting, dropping noting, and picking it up again, accordingly.

Congratulations on being accepted to Bhavana Society, Ryan!

Mudita,

Kenneth

"Congratulations on being accepted to Bhavana Society, Ryan!

Mudita,

Kenneth"


Thanks, Kenneth!

I hope to stay in touch.

And I've got lots of time for practice before I depart, so it's a fun situation. Like aiming to have a super-strong Spring Training before Opening Day....But in this scenario, I could even win the World Series in Spring Training and then go for another championship title in the regular season, if you catch my drift. ; )

That would be awesome....So, I'm gonna aim for that.

Sat for an hour this morning. I'd like to report something more detailed and specific, but practice lately appears very simple, like a variety of kinds of ebb and flow: subtle and gross, effort and surrender, knowing and not-knowing, presence and absence, tight and loose, embedded and dis-embedded, clear and unclear, etc.

Did deep yogic breathing interspersed with more natural anapanasati for 10 minutes.

Then sat noting four foundations for 60 minutes. Sitting, fifty minutes, walking the final ten minutes.

Ugh. Whew. Very unpleasant sit. TONS of restlessness. Lots of frustration, irritation, impatience, but also a great deal of amusement and compassion and confidence and restraint along with all that. Didn't get into anything much subtle for very long. Some pulses and visual strobes and flutters. Some movement in head and mouth and eyes (diagnonal, front to back of head, inside to outside, and up and down). There were also periods where I was totally exhausted, noted into letting myself fall asleep, and then continued upon waking up.

Lots of practice thoughts and some progress thoughts. Thoughts of reporting. Lots of remembering thoughts. Some imagining thoughts. Plenty of future thoughts. Doubt, dullness, interest, boredom, also in large supply.

A few really inspiring moments where what was noted was forcefully NOT identified with. Big difference between the phenomena going on and a feeling of "that which is present with" phenomena - to put it in my own words (I'm sure there's a more concise term that applies). Those moments provide great relief, and they also BUST my f'in balls about all the ideas and notions and assumptions and fantasies I have about all of this. Thank God, so to speak, to start seeing that! Brings this all down to earth, big time. We may be noting to disembed and move beyond a purely personal perspective, but - as I see it - the most BASIC everyday state is not a problem in the least, not something to try and get away from.

"We may be noting to disembed and move beyond a purely personal perspective, but - as I see it - the most BASIC everyday state is not a problem in the least, not something to try and get away from."-Ryguy

That's right, Ryan, but I confess that I feel a bit of a failure if you got the impression from me that the goal was to try to get away from anything.

The point of disembedding isn't to escape your life or the personal perspective. It is to be able to see that there is nothing wrong with your life or the personal perspective. It's to be free in whatever arises, whether personal, transpersonal, transcendent, or none of the above.

I think your new insight is wonderful.

Metta,

Kenneth

"
That's right, Ryan, but I confess that I feel a bit of a failure if you got the impression from me that the goal was to try to get away from anything.
"


Oh, man, that impression comes from so many different sources I won't even begin to list them all! Sadly, IMO, this particular delusion is very rampant and unexamined within too many Western Buddhist circles.

In fact, my own escapism was part of what led me to practice, as is probably the case with many people. But thanks to practice it gets discredited on a daily basis. Unfortunately, that wasn't always the case over the years, depending on my circumstances. I don't think much of blame, though, on myself or anyone or anything else. It's really about numerous factors coming together.

And, in fact, that escapism comes from both suffering and compassion (albeit deeply misguided). Noting and other practices create space for the crucial element of wisdom....meaning more effective compassion and truly less suffering not more, moment to moment.

"I think your new insight is wonderful.

Metta,

Kenneth"


Thanks, Kenneth. : )

It's not exactly new, to be honest, but newly convincing the more I practice.

And, yes, living it IS wonderful!!! I agree!!!!

: )

Sat for an hour today. Very sleepy, and hard a very hard time staying awake, dropping my recording device a few times. So, at one point I just let myself sleep. I haven't had this kind of trouble with drowsiness before while sitting, but I'm probably just not getting enough sleep....Ahem, why am I up at 3 AM?....Anyways, I noted four foundations, as usual, and then dropped noting when subtle flutters or pulses or other slight sensations arose and became predominant.

Not much to say about the pulses, lately they really don't stick around long enough to investigate them. Some movement sensations in my head and throat, hoola-hoops and the like.

The most notable observation was how the sensations of fluttering (that I'd previously felt as happening in or around the eyes and eye-sockets themselves) also seem to extend back in to my head, and also down around my upper jaw. Feels like there's something stimulating eyes, facial muscles, and brain all at once.

Is this making sense to anyone?

I've also worked on practicing the "sweet spot" lately. Today not much luck, but I'm getting a much better hand of the vipassana and samatha postures, and the contrast is pretty stark. Today there was some success resting in a zone where there was a lot of the pleasant calm and steadiness of samatha, interspersed with moments where the eyes would jerk back and forth rhythmically, like a pendulum. Does that sound at all like the "sweet spot"? I'm still seriously unsure (lacking in confidence) about recognizing that.

Thanks.

As Chris said recently: "The key to the universe, it seems, is not to hold anything too tightly."

I would add to this that it's also important not to hold anything too lightly.

For a long time I was learning about "letting go", learning about "dropping". Now I'm beginning to understand "picking up".

Much more to learn. Type, type goes the bag of bones.

Amidst all the hectic business of moving out of my apartment, preparing to leave NYC, getting lots of little logistics in order, etc. there have been some new levels, new layers. new encounters.

The other day it was all about intimacy, just have the feeling of the deepest intimacy with any little odd sensation. Like, I was walking home from work, and got a whiff of a runner's BO, and it was just so....THERE. So clear and present, it was like the BO smell and 'my' awareness of it were wrapped in a loving embrace, like there was nothing else. And this was the case on and off at other seemingly random moments. This kind of thing leaves me tickled pink.

And, to temper that, lest 'BO smell' become a fad in my mind or anyone else's:

(Owen Becker wrote): "There are no important sensations."

God damn! To apply that for even an instant is such a relief!!

(Thank you, Owen)

Sat today for ten minutes noting aloud. Planned to sit for 20 minutes, but was interrupted. Mostly gross sensations. Some subtle eye-flickering. Felt like mostly 3rd nyana. Planning to sit again for longer later today. Done with all my selling and packing and moving out of my apartment, so now I'll get back into a regular sitting schedule.

Sat for 20 minutes today. Working myself back in the groove. Again, mostly gross sensations, drowsiness, itching, tension, release of tension. Able to note all four foundations, but not strong on mind states or thoughts. Especially thoughts, as usual.

Continued from above...

There's no person here trying to get enlightened. Meaning, there's no effort to get enlightened outside of the mere knowing of sensations, one after another. It's not like there's something else that is the process of awakening. As though noting or awareness or meditation is only a part of the project. As though "life" isn't that which isn't awake or is awake, depending. Surrendering to acceptance of what is. Accepting that surrender is arising. : ) What can be done? And who is it that wants to do something about what's happening, anyways? Who is it that just let's the happening happen?

Sat for 15 minutes on a break at work yesterday, noting aloud I think, but can't recall for sure. Also sat for 40 minutes noting silently in a group yesterday, followed by 15 minutes walking and silently noting with same group. Some of the time dropped noting. Listened to a fantastic talk by Adyashanti and also did metta with the group as well. Sat today for 60 minutes, noting aloud, with a standing break in the middle. Lots of writhing, wretching, restlessness, and amusement, also really unpleasant sensations in torso and stomach and chest and throat, often leading to writhing or wretching. Also awareness of awareness of those things. At some point in the yuck switched to "see how it" and continued with that for last 20 minutes or so. Ended with ten minutes or so of dropped noting and "see how it" noting, instead noting "feeling of I" whenever that arose, which was just about with every sensation or every other sensation, and this really brought home an understanding that these are all sensations that have another name (softness, sharpness, hearing, seeing, smelling, tension, tensing, twisting, thinking, imagining, feeling, etc.) and none of them are any more "I" than any others. Strong sense of missing sensations, too, unknowing moments (?), bringing home the sense of an effort to know and the presence of absence, if that makes any sense. Clear objectification of the desire for enlightenment.

Continued below...

The Adyashanti talk I heard yesterday was "Achieving Total Failure", found by scrolling down on this webpage:

www.adyashanti.org/index.php?file=listenonline

Sat yesterday at Rest Stop Rejuvenate with Kenneth, Beth, Ian (IanReclus), and Ian's friend Kathryn (who had come to Dover, NJ all the way from north-western Connecticut! Wow!).

I suppose I could say a bit about the details of the sit, but the whole thing is just so damn well summarized by this quote from Jackson (on Stages Part the Third):

"We apply the noting technique, realize that we're doing it well, and our mood elevates way beyond what's appropriate. Then the progress is not sustainable, and we get disappointed, and the quality of mind states tend to plummet. Upon continued application of the technique, we again become proud of ourselves for doing it right, or for simply continuing to try, and thus our mood elevates, and so on and so forth, ad infinitum."

On a related note, I strongly recommend giving a listen to the talk from Adyashanti I linked to above.

On another related note, my new practice mantra is this, from Samuel Beckett:

"Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better."

Authenticity.

Ask yourself, how authentic is your spiritual journey?

Are you looking to feel comforted by pleasure? Are you looking to feel comforted by pain? Are you looking to feel comforted by looking? Anything that will distract you from whatever is happening now? Anything at all, because that's better than whatever is actually happening (or NOT happening) now? Are you looking for "reality" or "truth" or "enlightenment" or "awakening" because that might (please, dear GOD!) lead away from whatever it is that is staring you in the face?

I don't ask these questions because I suspect that you are, rather I'm asking these questions because this is what I see when I look at my own spiritual search. I mean, christ almighty, it's called a spiritual SEARCH. What did I expect?

I don't know anything, and I'm beginning to suspect that it might always be that way. There are all kinds of facts, statistics, thoughts, memories, ideas, beliefs I could spout out as things I know. But that's not the point. Authenticity could involve any of those things, or any other thing for that matter, but none of them is authentic. Even authenticity is not authentic. It's just a concept, a well that wants to be water.

"I suppose I could say a bit about the details of the sit, but the whole thing is just so damn well summarized by this quote..." -Ryguy

Erm, actually, I'd rather hear about the details of the sit.

Your analysis after-the-fact is state and stage specific; it is skewed by whatever mind state happens to be predominant as you write. What actually happened? Better yet, what is happening now?

I wouldn't be too quick to plant the flag of hopelessness or even resignation. Someday you may realize that you have indeed accomplished exactly what you set out to do. I did. I expect you to do it too, just as I expect this of all my students. This practice performs as advertised.

Note your discouragement and your triumph and carry on. That's all you have to do.