MuMuWu's Practice Journal

Sorry to hear about your aunt, Mumuwu. Metta to you and yours. Thanks for the inspiring updates!

Thanks Jgroove. She's in her 30's so it's pretty crazy.

Weezer concert tonight, so today is somewhat shot. Holiday tomorrow though!

So woke this morning feeling a bit Nauseous. Got to work, soon began to feel A&P type stuff. Around lunch I noticed that there was some sort of emphasis at the throat that as I noted it made me feel a bit queasy at first. Now I've got some expanding pressure in my head, feel like it's in the middle, also noticing some twitching occasionally on the sides of my head towards the back. I feel if I focus on the pressure I notice a slow pulse and the visual field tends to very slightly pulse with it.

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Edit - it just relocated to the top/back of the head after noting the pulses

Edit - Shortly after that I felt the energy or tingling from the same area go down my face and then arms. I felt tingling like early stages of meditation and some pleasant light headedness.

Had been lying down for a while, felt pretty good decided to do some vipassana (nobody awake/home).

Sat for 20 Minutes.

Upon sitting, visual field was fairly bright and eyes were fairly relaxed. Noticed a fairly slow (like a heartbeat) pulsing in the visual field. Noted the pulsing for a while, felt tingling arise around the body along with joy and rapture. Noted the tingling, and good feelings for a while. Noticed some planning/evaluating thoughts. Began to feel some itches around the body, noted these. Noted some uncomfortable sensations as well. Began to feel joyful and bright. Noticed a more spread out awareness of tingling and rapture (is this the right term?) around the body. Eventually began to feel coolness on the skin along with a more spaced out, numb, nice feeling. Eventually the tone changed, noticed some thoughts here. Don't recall much, but they had a somewhat creepy overtone - bits and pieces of music, movies, etc. there was a shift to more physical sensations at this point. Intense patches of uncomfortable sensations along with some itches and twitching in the face, this got more intense and then I thought it was over as it broke into a more open state, eventually the pressure returned although in a lesser form, eventually breaking into a bright, calm open very very ok state. Felt very content.

At this point I rolled my eyes up and the eyelids began to flutter. This happened fairly rapidly and I tried to stay with the pattern. They seemed to have a series of pulses followed by a brief break. One of the breaks was particularly pronounced. I began to feel raptures all over the body, very warm almost burning extremely pleasant sensations all over. Fast heart beat, bright visual field.

I noted the tingling sensations in the body for a while, then noticed a drop off followed by uncomfortable intensity. Felt like I had gone back through A&P and working my way back up through dukkha nanas.
Time up.

Having some trouble with the eye flickering method. Earlier in the week it seemed easier to get the eyes to flicker, wondering if there's too much attachment at this point to this method or if I am attempting it too soon. It does seem to get me into a fairly concentrated state, but I'm not getting the really automatic flickering that I can easily follow.

Yesterday seemed to run into maybe a very intense cause and effect type state. One particular moment got stuck on replay in my mind, along with all the consequences. It was very intense and emotional.

Today spent more time noting / doing concentration practice. Playing with Jhanas leads to a lot of energy type sensations after a couple of rounds. Formless jhanas seem to be pretty clear at this point. First 4 accessible via a widening/narrowing of the focus of concentration.

Seem to be getting up into equanimity but at that point I try the eye-flickering and it doesn't really seem to work.

Looking forward to chatting with Kenneth tomorrow.

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Experienced a gap in the stream of consciousness followed by a wave of bliss while driving home again. This was after having done some 2nd gear practice (who am I) for a while (while driving). I began thinking about fruitions and noticed that right as I ended the thought I was having there was a missing segment of time. I was just further down the road. I then got a wave of bliss and felt like I was back in a&p. I went home and practiced moving around the jhanas which worked well, I noticed some strobing in the visual field after 4th jhana and stayed with it. Noticed a discontinuity in the pattern followed by a wave of bliss. Felt like previous discontinuity/bliss.

This morning counted a few rounds of breathing, noticed some itching. Have been using this as an object this morning.

I am not starting in A&P and it's taking a bit of noting to get into it.

"Having some trouble with the eye flickering method. Earlier in the week it seemed easier to get the eyes to flicker, wondering if there's too much attachment at this point to this method or if I am attempting it too soon. It does seem to get me into a fairly concentrated state, but I'm not getting the really automatic flickering that I can easily follow."

Hi Mumuwu,
Some things that I have found to be helpful with the flickering method (I wonder is there an official name for that technique?):

To get it started sometimes I have push my eyes forcefully towards the third eye. This will leave the eyelids somewhat open. This results in the gross fluttering of the eyelids and facial muscles. Then I will slowly drop the attention down to reduce the effort needed. For me the optimal point is just slightly above the line of horizon. Normally I go there very slowly moving all the time from grosser fluttering (muscles and visual field) to the more subtle (mind). The problem for me with this technique is to remain relaxed in order to go deeper into meditation. At first I had to stop the flickering and just steep in a jhana. Then I realized that I can drop the attention just below the horizon for a while to get the same effect. Better yet, by finding the thin line at the horizon it is possible to relax and deepen the concentration and maintain very subtle flickering of the mind at the same time. At least for me the flickering is then felt both at the third eye and in the nose.

Antero.

Thanks Antero. In the past there is usually some stuff going on at the eyes already when the flickering has worked well for me. I had tried what you said somewhere in one of your posts actually, about placing attention at the third eye area and that seemed to generate some flickering as well.

I'll definitely give what you've written a try. It makes a lot of sense. Hopefully it'll be a good heads up for others as well.

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Edit - Just met with Kenneth. Antero's instructions are dead on. The trick, I think is to put the attention at the third eye rather than at the eyeballs. This is what I was doing wrong - rolling eyes up, attention at eyes = still eyes.

Noticed the eyes flickering just now. Had taken a bath and been doing the eye flickers in there.

Sat down at the computer, noticed the eyes were flickering slightly on their own (something must be up hehe) so I practiced what Kenneth and I had gone over today. Noticed a particular flicker that seemed out of place, like it was longer or something, not exactly sure how to describe the difference. It almost felt like a harder dip into the negative sensation, the darker end of the pulse or as if the expected lighter end of the flicker got skipped and that was noticed.

Shortly after felt the characteristic bliss wave I have felt several times. Feel really mellow afterward. Some slight pressure remains in the face and head afterward.

P.S.
I Read this poem in the bath prior to this:

The bud
stands for all things,
even those things that don't flower,
for everything flowers, from within, of self-blessing;
though sometimes it is necessary
to reteach a thing its loveliness,
to put a hand on the brow
of the flower
and retell it in words and in touch
it is lovely
until it flowers again from within, of self-blessing;
as St. Francis
put his hand on the creased forehead
of the sow, and told her in words and in touch
blessings of earth on the sow, and the sow
began remembering all down her thick length,
from the earthen snout all the way
through the fodder and slops to the spiritual curl of
the tail,
from the hard spininess spiked out from the spine
down through the great broken heart
to the blue milken dreaminess spurting and shuddering
from the fourteen teats into the fourteen mouths sucking
and blowing beneath them:
the long, perfect loveliness of sow.

Who wrote the poem, Mu? I love it.

Galway Kinnell wrote that poem.

Thanks cmarti, it's called St. Francis and the Sow. I found it in this book:
Insight Meditation - Joseph Goldstein : www.amazon.com/Insight-Meditation-Shambh...itions/dp/1570620253


Small update.

Feeling great today. Eye flickering technique is much more successful now. Feeling great at work. Noticed the last couple of mornings that when I wake there isn't much going on, I count the breath a few times and get some itching. I stay with the itches on the drive into work and fairly shortly after that I am in A&P.

I've always had trouble with morning anxiety since I was a little kid. It really hasn't been an issue for a couple of weeks or more now.

Find myself taking breaks throughout the day doing some Jhana jumping - gets pleasant energy moving around, doing the occasional eye flickering which occasionally results in a blip/bliss wave, etc.

just putting this here:

www.jiddu-krishnamurti.net/en/core-of-krishnamurtis-teaching

"just putting this here:

www.jiddu-krishnamurti.net/en/core-of-krishnamurtis-teaching "

Nice, can't go wrong with a little Krishnamurti!

Nice, I love that link.

"The content of his consciousness is his entire existence. This content is common to all humanity. The individuality is the name, the form and superficial culture he acquires from tradition and environment. The uniqueness of man does not lie in the superficial but in complete freedom from the content of his consciousness, which is common to all mankind."

So much in just 5 little paragraphs. Reminds me dead-on of the heart sutra. "Form is not other than emptiness, emptiness not other than form". and then "so in emptiness, there is no form, no sensation, conception, discrimination".

K is quite the dude. Reading him via Sam Harris' site really opened up a lot of possibilities for me.
Now, unto a new sitting report

20 mins - roughly, not sure didn't use a timer

Upon initial sitting stared at Kasina for about 30 seconds until I felt pleasant pressure, rising warmth, tingling, etc.
Noticed some thoughts, noted them, mind seemed to open up a little
Began to feel itches and other unpleasant sensations, noted these for a while
Noticed a change in the focus and brighter visual field, return of pleasant sensations, tingling, raptures, noted these
Noticed a simplification, a dying down of the fireworks and a cool stillness
Noted some stray thoughts, rising intensity
Intensity/pressure becoming more uncomfortable
Another step up in the intensity/uncomfortableness followed by a brief respite
Intensity increases but not to previous level
Notice a shift, some of the uncomfortable sensations linger but seem to be dying down
Open calm state
Notice some drowsiness at this point
Noting thoughts as they come
Notice several shifts, I think I catch the witness as it feels like the focus moves closer and harder
Notice another shift at some point which is accompanied by rising warmth and tingling
Feel very still and settled, not noting much, notice the visual field get more interesting
Move the eyes down to get more absorbed/settled
Move eyes up begin flickering
Think I notice a fruition / bliss wave but unsure
Notice strong pulsing in visual field and eyes wanting to flicker on their own
Let go and allow the flickering to go on it's own
Notice a much more pronounced blip as per before
Bliss wave - tingles moving down the body, feels cool and refreshing
Notice tingling and vibrations which I associate with A&P around face/body

On exiting the session mind feels clean, very bright and refreshed

Note to self: get enough sleep

"Note to self: get enough sleep"

I second that, with both hand and both feet...

Reading this today, wanted to keep it here:

Stephan: You mention in The Path to No-Self that the unitive state is the "true state in which God intended every person to live his mature years." Yet so few of us ever achieve this unitive state. What is it about the way we live right now that prevents us from doing so? Do you think it is our preoccupation with material success, technology, and personal accomplishment?

Bernadette: First of all, I think there are more people in the state of oneness than we realize. For everyone we hear about there are thousands we will never hear about. Believing this state to be a rare achievement can be an impediment in itself. Unfortunately, those who write about it have a way of making it sound more extraordinary and blissful that it commonly is, and so false expectations are another impediment - we keep waiting and looking for an experience or state that never comes. But if I had to put my finger on the primary obstacle, I would say it is having wrong views of the journey.

Paradoxical though it may seem, the passage through consciousness or self moves contrary to self, rubs it the wrong way - and in the end, will even rub it out. Because this passage goes against the grain of self, it is, therefore, a path of suffering. Both Christ and Buddha saw the passage as one of suffering, and basically found identical ways out. What they discovered and revealed to us was that each of us has within himself or herself a "stillpoint" - comparable, perhaps to the eye of a cyclone, a spot or center of calm, imperturbability, and non-movement. Buddha articulated this central eye in negative terms as "emptiness" or "void", a refuge from the swirling cyclone of endless suffering. Christ articulated the eye in more positive terms as the "Kingdom of God" or the "Spirit within", a place of refuge and salvation from a suffering self.

For both of them, the easy out was first to find that stillpoint and then, by attaching ourselves to it, by becoming one with it, to find a stabilizing, balanced anchor in our lives. After that, the cyclone is gradually drawn into the eye, and the suffering self comes to an end. And when there is no longer a cyclone, there is also no longer an eye. So the storms, crises, and sufferings of life are a way of finding the eye. When everything is going our way, we do not see the eye, and we feel no need to find it. But when everything is going against us, then we find the eye. So the avoidance of suffering and the desire to have everything go our own way runs contrary to the whole movement of our journey; it is all a wrong view. With the right view, however, one should be able to come to the state of oneness in six or seven years - years not merely of suffering, but years of enlightenment, for right suffering is the essence of enlightenment. Because self is everyone's experience underlying all culture. I do not regard cultural wrong views as an excuse for not searching out right views. After all, each person's passage is his or her own; there is no such thing as a collective passage.

awakeningtoreality.blogspot.com/2007/07/...berts-interview.html

Wow, thank you for that. Will read the interview in full later, but that is some beautiful stuff...

Saturday night had a formal sit. Moved up into equanimity and hung out there for some time. Eventually noticed an itch that came up, very bright and clear. Noted the point and it eventually became a pulse. It seemed to pulse three times (though the number could be off) and then I felt what seemed like a cessation (similar to before) but this one had a buzziness to it. It had a more negative feel. Followed by typical blissful sensations. Happened right at the end of the sitting.

Was finding the eye-flicker method a bit hit or miss. Found that it was a good way to get some strobing going and some muscles twitching and that which I could tune into and it would sometimes produce a cessation.

I remembered that I am supposed to be watching for the end of the last flicker. That's the ticket! Seem to be much more successful with this now. The three doors is starting to make sense after what occurred during the last post.

Mumuwu, glad to see Bernadette Roberts noted here. Her several books are pretty amazing and worth reading. Especially the 1st 2 are are very explicit practice journals of a living Christian contemplative's path on what seems remarkably similar to the progression of insight up to quite advanced stages. She regards her path as having reaching the end. She had no exposure to Buddhist models but later appreciated them. (She had mystical experiences throughout childhood and became as an adolescent a contemplative nun for 10 years devoting full time to silence and meditation. Then she took the "unitive state" to the marketplace and raised a family of 4. Much later she says she reached the final end of the self.) 2 or 3 decades ago she critiqued most Buddhists as not reaching the end of their own path. Her detailed, experiential exploration of what the end of the path is would likely be of interest here.

(A word of warning, now days she speaks disparagingly of western interest in Advaita evidently regarding Americans as looking for an easy philosophical out and avoiding the discipline and sacrifice of commitment to a traditional path. Back in the 80s she was openly appreciative of Buddhism and Advaita. When I told her an experience of Jesus had started me on a Buddhist path, she said that's not uncommon and if Jesus accompanies you on your Buddhist path so much the better. Later she mentioned her irritation at people who shop around and don't pick a path and stick with it. By now she can come across as an intolerant, partisan Catholic, but she's made it very clear that she only wants to mentor people devoted to the Christian mystical path, as she says she has no authority in any other, and doesn't want Buddhists and Advaitists to waste time coming to her retreats.)

"
For both of them, the easy out was first to find that stillpoint and then, by attaching ourselves to it, by becoming one with it, to find a stabilizing, balanced anchor in our lives. After that, the cyclone is gradually drawn into the eye, and the suffering self comes to an end. And when there is no longer a cyclone, there is also no longer an eye. So the storms, crises, and sufferings of life are a way of finding the eye. When everything is going our way, we do not see the eye, and we feel no need to find it. But when everything is going against us, then we find the eye. So the avoidance of suffering and the desire to have everything go our own way runs contrary to the whole movement of our journey; it is all a wrong view. With the right view, however, one should be able to come to the state of oneness in six or seven years - years not merely of suffering, but years of enlightenment, for right suffering is the essence of enlightenment. Because self is everyone's experience underlying all culture. I do not regard cultural wrong views as an excuse for not searching out right views. After all, each person's passage is his or her own; there is no such thing as a collective passage.

awakeningtoreality.blogspot.com/2007/07/...berts-interview.html "

Hopefully not to be argumentave but, rather, provocative (I make that disclaimer because i know I often come off as argumentative when I don't want to) to me:
there is no "stillpoint"
there is no "eye"
there is no "stabilizing, balanced anchor"
there is no "suffering self" to come to an end
looking for any of that will only bring an attempt to identify with some fiction you've created and thus continuous suffering
disembed from all those ideas, they are the same as the buddha that must be killed upon meeting on the road.