MuMuWu's Practice Journal

Personally, I'd be very interested if any of the advanced yogis here (such as telecaster) were interested to read any of B.R.s books, such as the very experiential Path to No Self and then critique them. Her view is pretty developmental and stage-specific. I think you'd find that what she describes there she regards as an interim, practical stage and an approach that is later left behind. (I've always had to keep my interest on the shelf since I'm still working on the novice levels.) There were some remarkable tapes from the 70s or 80s Naropa Buddhist/Christian conferences where this housewife with no credentials seemed to trounce the Christian and Buddhist authorities attending in Dharma combat. She's very provocative, you'd probably get along great, Mike (I almost feel blasphemous, seriously, to even refer to such advanced questions, but she has made the provocative assertion that the skandhas drop entirely and all sense of being ends by the long-term end of the path, for example. Just bringing that up since it's been talked about here. It's too advanced for my interest.)

Thanks to the both of you for such great comments/suggestions. I really think she's worth looking into for the simple fact that she details in great length the process she went through.

Also, the main thing that caught my attention in what she said about getting it done and that it is very attainable.

I should also say that the things mike says she says as well. The part I didn't quote talks about the dropping away of this spiritual self that you would build up by latching onto such an I. I think it's similar to Ramana/Nisargadatta in that they are first latching onto the witness and then later the witness is dissolved leaving emptiness/no-self.

"Hopefully not to be argumentave but, rather, provocative (I make that disclaimer because i know I often come off as argumentative when I don't want to) to me:
there is no "stillpoint"
there is no "eye"
there is no "stabilizing, balanced anchor"
there is no "suffering self" to come to an end
looking for any of that will only bring an attempt to identify with some fiction you've created and thus continuous suffering
disembed from all those ideas, they are the same as the buddha that must be killed upon meeting on the road. "

I think you're right Mike. This eye she talks about was provisional and an earlier realization of hers. She later says that this dropped away from her and the parallel to her experience of this dropping away was in the buddhist notion of no self.

"Thanks to the both of you for such great comments/suggestions. I really think she's worth looking into for the simple fact that she details in great length the process she went through.

Also, the main thing that caught my attention in what she said about getting it done and that it is very attainable.

I should also say that the things mike says she says as well. The part I didn't quote talks about the dropping away of this spiritual self that you would build up by latching onto such an I. I think it's similar to Ramana/Nisargadatta in that they are first latching onto the witness and then later the witness is dissolved leaving emptiness/no-self."

Okay, then.
"never mind."

I think I'm just sentimentally a little attached to BR since her Christian books were ironically the only ones I had come upon during the 80s and 90s with detailed accounts of the progress of insight. When my solitary practice was in the doldrums, I'd read them for the spiritual caffeine. She says she is not a teacher, though, and does not offer much in the way of practical teachings (referring people to the traditional Catholic contemplative materials). She was approachable and Very encouraging by letter at one time. But I got the feeling that she didn't know how to help someone who wasn't already solidly on the escalator. In complete contrast to the immensely practical offerings here.

tingling, itching, rising, falling, looking, pain - negative, clear itch - negative, itching, itching,pulsing, pulsing, twitching, pain, itching, itching, itching, tingling, warmth - positive, tingling on surface of skin, joy

Noting while typing!

Mumuwu, sorry to stick a BR segment into your great practice journal! Tingling, squinching, self-image, appreciating, typing.

I really loved your comments. It's amazing to me that I can post a random quote on this discussion forum and get a very informed and insightful comment from someone who has corresponded with the author of the quote in question. Also thanks for the compliment on the journal. I aim to be able to write as well as some of you guys. I've enjoyed your journal immensely and it has helped me greatly.

Lots of suffering today. Seemingly, life does not want me to have much formal time to practice. Noting a lot today, not much of a choice if I want to remain somewhat functional and not get eaten alive by depression, frustration or anger.

Much work to be done.

Good luck man, I feel you. Keep trying, any little chance you get . I notice that when I'm rushed or stressed out, my practice seems to recognize this and make up for it.

I was feeling really ****** last night after a 10 hour workday with no lunch and no time to sit. I attempted a little 3rd gear on the train ride home only about 10~15 minutes or so. I haven't really been able to get into 3rd Gear for a while, but it worked damn well for me last night. Mellowed me out for the rest of the night. Sometimes life knows when you need a break, and it sounds like you could really use one. Sending some peace and calm your way...

Mu, sorry to hear you're struggling today. I hope things change soon. Sending metta.

Lots of metta coming your way mumuwu. Hope these clouds clear out soon.

Thanks Ian, Mark and Ron it means a lot and helps a lot! You guys are awesome.

20 minutes or so sit.

Started with a few rounds of breath counting

Noted:
tingling, joy, effort, warmth, burning, itching, itching, uncomfortable, itching, change in visual focus, brightness, itching, tingling, vibrating, pulsing, opening, coolness, stillness, edginess, itching, uncomfortable, intense - negative, feel very intense sensations in face, pressure, itching, leveling off, stillness, uncomfortable, intense, sense of relief, wide open still, itching, pleasant, bright, focus on visual, uniformity, sense of space accompanying simplified visuals/change in focus, focus moves in closer, feel like getting more absorbed, strobiness of visual field increasing, eventually focus changes again, focus not on anything in particular, let go of focus, stobing increases, visual field more interesting, anticipation, interuption....

Go back to sitting but mostly just feel peaceful, lower eyes and stay absorbed in the peace for a while and end session.

Had a similar sitting earlier. Similar first half to what is here, think I experienced a fruition by listening to a clock for a while and then following some visual strobing at about where this session was interrupted . Experienced a discontinuity in the strobe that had a weird feeling to it (consistent to other experiences I have taken to be a cessation). Felt very blissful a second or two after the sensation and fet like I was back in A&P. Noted my way back up through the stages from A&P up again with a more detailed feel/view and then topped out at about the same place as I did here again but there wasn't any strobing, just very peaceful end of the session. Jhana of infinite space seems to feel very clear as does the witness stage after it.

Quick update

Typical sittings have me starting out noting at one of the beginning nanas, going through three characteristics and up through the rest of the nanas, including several arupa jhanas and then tuning into flickering or some other neutral sensation until a fruition occurs. I will then work my way up to equanimity again from A&P and then perhaps have another fruition or just remain in equanimity.

I have found that a good practice to start with is as follows

breathing in I am aware I am breathing in a short breath (saying this mentally as I breath)
breathing out I am aware I am breathing out a short breath
breathing in I am aware I am breathing in a long breath
breathing out I am aware I am breathing out a long breath
breathing in I am aware of my whole body
breathing out I am aware of my whole body
breathing in I calm my whole body
breathing out I calm my whole body
breathing in I am aware of my mind
breathing out I am aware of my mind
breathing in I calm my ming
breathing out I calm my mind

with eyes open

there are objects
there are the organs of sight
there is seeing (make myself aware of seeing as an object)
there are sounds
there are the organs of hearing
there is hearing (while still aware of seeing, make myself aware of hearing)
there are points of contact
there is the body
there is the sense of touch
there are tastes
there is the tongue
there is tasting
there are smells
there is the nose
there is smelling (at this point I take up breathing as an object again)

At this point I begin noting (usually am able to take up itching or something else at that point - typically negative sensations.

Mumuwu, taking the luxury of Sunday morning to see how you're practice adventure is going. This sounds really mindblowing!! I've been meaning to ask you for several days since you've been mentioning fruitions, did you reach 1st Path recently? Sorry if I missed it, didn't find an account in your journal when I searched last weekend. Have you had a chance to confirm this with Kenneth? If you have entered the stream, ***CONGRATULATIONS*** and way to go. It's hard to keep track of all the progress being made at KFD right now. In any case you're practice sounds intelligent and very strong. Please keep up the great work, it's an inspiration.

Thanks Mark. What I am taking to be cessations has been occurring for quite some while now.

Post 78 is a good example...

Experienced a lot of cessations yesterday. In the evening it seemed as though I had hit some sort of plateau where things seemed mostly solid. During this period I noted sensations with the occasional itch presenting itself and then starting to get more complex.

Today, feel pretty good despite the fact that there are aches and bouts of gagging today (gagging seems to be brought on by too much cold or any other negative sensation).

Right now there is pressure at the crown as well as the back of the head above the neck.

----
Tried eye flickering at lunch, went directly to A&P.

Since then have gone back to the gagging/solid feelings and aches.

----
Tried Eye flickering again, back in A&P, no more unpleasantness.

hmmmm....

Ok, so I just tried sitting and doing nothing other than following the breath (noting rising and falling early on) and noticing what is going on overall.

The pattern I saw was like this
1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10 (one repeat of 6,7,8,9),11 (went through arupa Jhanas here) then the eyes began to flicker on there own quite heavily. Felt awesome at this point (not in an excited way, in a very content way). I watched the flicker and it required no effort on my part to maintain it. I seemed to sense several discontinuities in the flikcer but did not seem to go back to A&P (so I'm not sure if they were cessations). Felt like my head was moving up and down slightly with the breath. Eventually the flickering died down and I watched the whole thing go in reverse all the way back down to what it feels like when I begin a session (caught the witness on the way down, the uncomfortable sensations of DN, the coolness of dissolution, tingling and such of a&p, itching and discomfort, etc.

Prior to this I had gone on a walk as the witness.

This is the first time I've seen it do that pattern, although up until this point I was too interested in eye flickering/fruitions and I would usually not sit for long after having them or if they weren't occurring.

Kasinas

I'm really interested in this again.

Used this image today. Only did it for 5 minutes.
www.thechucklegang.com/ESW/Images/blue-circle.gif

Just wanted to make note of the fact that focusing on it until I get the mirror image in my eyes which is layed over the original (making it shimmer, blurry, etc.). When I close my eyes I focus on the mirror image which is still there until it fades away. Opening the eyes I return to the Kasina and boom (well, it was slightly gradual but it came on fast)! Tons of rapture, feel very warm, moisture on the skin, laughter, etc. I think cycling through this a few times and turning it into a daily practice would be extremely good at this point. The disc and perhaps the room seemed brighter the second time.

Prior to this I really didn't get what the sign/countersign stuff was and how to use it. I think this is a great way.

This is really interesting. Sounds like its doing good stuff.

And thanks for the link, I think I will try that out myself.

If you do, I'd be really interested in reading a report on your experiences.



Oh also, I zoom it to a good size via ctrl+ and ctrl-

I also printed it out but found it took longer to develop the mental image (I'm assuming this is due to the contrast I'm getting on the monitor).

Just gave this a shot, sat staring at it until it started jumping around, closed my eyes, and realized, this is first jhanna! The subtle effort, the single-pointedness, and the pleasantness were all there. Very nice, I've not been able to tune into it so easily from just breath focus.

I also tried staring at it until I a feeling of the circle kind of in my head, and then focused on that feeling. The feeling shattered, oddly enough, into subtle bliss sensations, and I got a little shock upon opening my eyes. None of this was all that tangible though, and I only spent a few minutes on it. More experimentation is needed...

Good stuff. I think I will keep on with this for a while, before doing my afternoon sits. Thanks Mu!

(edited to clarify the second trail)

Did some Kasina today followed by Noting.

Definitely going up so far then back down then up again. The first two arupa Jhanas seem to be occuring (perhaps the others as well, will need to do more sittings in this style), the second time through the space was very palpable and then the transition to the next one is very noticeable as well as there is such a shift in focus. I wasn't really seeing any pulsing today though I was noting the whole time.

Ended the session with eye-flickering leading to bliss / slightly out of it feeling.

With Kasina's before, Kenneth showed me how to use various eye-positions to bring about each of the 4 Jhanas. I feel like lately I use the Kasina to bring about the factors for 1st Jhana. The rest seem to just do their thing without having to manipulate the eyes (piti / effort fades, focus widens, cool sensations, focus widens further). Also I am alternating between focusing on the object with open eyes and then watching the image with the eyes closed and seeing how it changes, it is made up of many swirly little pixels, etc. Once it is gone I go back to the Kasina.

Last night before bed I did about 10 mins or more of Kasina before starting. It's weird because in this session I had the most intense dukkha nanas thus far in terms of uncomfortable sensations and overall harshness of the experience, and they were accompanied by very vivid dreamlike images that were really odd, disgusting, intense, scary, etc. They definitely went along with the stages. Very strange images of people doing gross things, throwing blood in my face, I even remember maybe tasting blood at one point. They were clearly just ephemeral images though, and I was able to remain calm knowing what it was. I stayed with it until I got to equanimity but after that point things are a bit hazy.

I also recall that when I got to equanimity I stared at the kasina briefly again, the after image seemed to take on the form of a rotating 3d cube. It was really weird. I think somewhere along the way drowsiness got the best of me in equanimity and I don't recall a lot of the end of the sitting other than there was some brief strobing.

I'm thinking it may have been the combination of sleepiness and the deeper concentration via the kasina that brought these images out. I remember similar yet less clear images from previous sittings and they tended to be when I was somewhat sleepy.

Ok, this is weird.

Me and the dog went and picked up my girlfriend from work around 10. She was hungry so on the way home we stopped into a mary brown's (chicken place) and I waited in the parking lot with the dog while she went in to order.

As I was sitting in the parking lot I was contemplating the images from the night before and thinking about the nature of dreams and of waking consciousness. It dawned on me that since my grandmother could see people walking around her house and thought it was real, and since in a dream everything appears real, but while thinking things are sort of vague then all of these are happening in the same space or medium. Thoughts are dimmer than waking consciousness for some reason, and dreams, while awake, seem to be invisible, but under the right conditions that power (weird word for what I'm trying to say) i.e. dreaming/active imagination, can become visible while waking even to the point that people mistake waking hallucinations for reality (say schizophrenics, or old people on weird medication).

Then I was looking at the space in my vision and thinking that all these years I thought that the darkness behind the eyes was my eyelids, but you can't see your eyelids without light. I could see the lights of cars moving in the parking lot through the eyelids at this point. I got the sensation of a medium of some sort that just changed in response to conditions. Like the mind itself gets brighter if the eyes/brain are registering brightness. Then I began to feel the sensations of contact and pressure in the body. They seem to occur in the same space as vision. In the same plane even. It's as if there is a field of particles where each particle has properties such as:

pressure,
color,
brightness,
temperature
taste
etc.

And each of these particles in this field changes in response to what the matter in the brain is doing.