MuMuWu's Practice Journal

So as you move around, the brain is registering all these changes in response to what's happening at the sense organs. So the eyes are constantly changing and the brain is constantly changing and then the mind is constantly changing in an analogue way. This field I was picturing is two dimensional like a tv, but it is interpreted as being this 3d space when it really isn't (though the body, brain and eyes are in a 3d space). Each part of the space can have all kinds of sensations as components (it can be bright, cool, tingling, the sound of a guitar, and red). As it changes it is interpreted in some way in some kind of feedback loop (because the interpretation is part of the experience).

It's sort of weird because it was a more visceral experience, not really a big conversation in my head. It gave me a vivid sensation of openness. This isn't something I am taking to be my current view on anything, I am trying to convey the meaning I kind of experienced in the moment.

Also, I don't think particles is the right word at all, its just amorphous shiftingness. Bubbling changing coming going etc. And it's changing in response to the body and my experience of the body is always through the medium of the mind, I have never experienced my head, for example, I have only experienced an interpretation of my head that exists in my head and is then represented in my mind as my actual experience of my head.

I feel very excited quite a while later, very happy, somewhat shakey.

Cool times.

Just sat for about 45 minutes.

Upon sitting mind was spacious and bright and I felt quite good. Became aware of tingling and pulsing, noted the pulsing. Eventually felt things dying down a bit and the focus changing. Unpleasant sensations of tension and pressure began to appear all over the body. I felt intense pressure in my head and then my back and neck straightened out and it was very intense. It was almost like someone was pulling my head off. This would get very intense, the face would be full of pressure and then it would eventually peak and quickly drop off and the head would fall foward. I would get a sense of relief and then my back and neck would straighten out and the sensations of pressure and tension would quickly come back. At certain points I would notice a very constant somewhat fast pulse in different parts of the body (the same at each place) that would occasionally become faster (perhaps twice as fast). This repeated a good number of times possibly ten or more with the cycle peaking at some point and then tapering off with the last sense of relief portion opening into a bright wide space. I was aware of some sounds I hadn't been aware of, noticed some unpleasant sensations which were steady or fading (not increasing any more) and a sense or relief and then contentment.

The visuals got more and more interesting in terms of blobs moving around and then subtle strobing followed by grosser strobing accompanied by clear pulses at certain parts of the body. At one point it felt like there was a very brief flash of light and then a sensation of coolness on the skin (I think it was descending top to bottom, though not sure). This was followed by a brightness and warmth and happiness.

I began to note tingling and other sensations again, and then eventually found myself back in the same suffering cycle which repeated a number of times again. My timer eventually went off
This was a very intense session. Very clear.

Still feeling quite good and blissful 15 minutes since ending the sitting. It is 2 AM, very energized and feeling great.

Excited to meditate tomorrow!

Took me a good long while to get to sleep. Mind was bright, happy, energized, still, while lying in bed. Don't feel too tired this morning. Feels pretty normal.

Interesting couple of days. Fun times.

Did the discomfort only arise during the seated meditation, or also before or after?

omni,

It arose during the seated meditation, though similar sensations of pressure are felt from time to time throughout the day. It also isn't your typical pain which comes from sitting weird or something like that, or the aches and pains that show up near the beginning of a sitting around the time I get a lot of itching. It wasn't pain, it was intensity that was too much, or say pressure and tension. These are the same sensations that were accompanied by disturbing images the previous night. Also it's hard to convey how negative it is.

After meditation there was no discomfort and beforehand I was feeling quite nice and happy.

For the past few days and again today, there is spontaneous nausea throughout the day, usually in response to something negative (too cold, too hungry, etc.). It usually begins with having to get up early in the morning to go to work, so there's some nausea that passes usually on the way in.

Scratch that.

These sensations are occuring right now and have been in full effect similar in intensity to last night for more than an hour. It started while out driving around and just persisted through supper. The bleed-through thread is very relevant to me right now.

Although it is very harsh I seem to be handling it ok.

"All things must pass"

----

Harsh sensations still occuring (several hours later), starting to get old now and am wanting it to stop. Tends to taper off for a while and mostly fade to the background but eventually becomes intense again. Haven't been able to sit formally with it yet.

Good luck! Keep us posted.

The sensations went on for hours.

Last night sat for 40 minutes before bed (around 1 AM or so).

Beginning of session was sitting with the same sensations of pressure/tension which would start out as nervous energy, then shift to harsh sensations in the face with twitching, gradually get worse with a sudden shift up in intensity followed by a sense of being overwhelmed then a sense of relief for a moment then it would repeat.

Eventually it broke into a mostly visual space that was somewhat bright. A good amount of flickering began developing and I started paying attention to it. Eventually my eyes/face muscles began twitching / fluttering and I watched that. As I paid attention to this I felt a brief discontinuity which felt almost like a window shade being drawn from the bottom up over my consciousness. This had a subtle joltiness / tripping quality.Then a quick return to the flickering accompanied by a wave of bliss and I felt tingling and warmth and contentedness but along with this I felt a bit out of it.

I went to bed feeling good and upon waking this morning I feel better than I have in a few mornings.

Glad to read you're getting some relief from it.

Today something feels different. Yesterday it felt like some of the Jhanas I was passing through were getting very hard if I focused on the handles for them. I also noticed that I wasn't really passing through the dukkha nanas anymore.

Today I am noticing that the witness is very clear and that by holding it like a kasina, the Jhanas seem to be presenting themselves one after another very clear and very fast. Not only that, it feels like there's something different at the end.

So, after Jhana 4 I feel a transition to the outer edges of what I am experiencing along with a sense of space, a sense of the container of what was perceived in Jhana 4.

Next, I feel a significant increase in concentration followed by sensations of pressure in and around the face / back of head and the focus shifting hard to where I am holding the witness in focus. Feels like the witness I had been holding is becoming predominant.

Eventually the sensations associated with the witness loosen up and then I am feeling focused, but on nothing.

The sense of focusing on nothing eventually drops away and the state experienced is hard to describe. Whenever you try to grasp it to see what it's like it kind of lessens and so you let go again and because of that it has this somewhat loose flickery quality. It is hard to define.

Eventually I feel an increase in energy/pressure inside my head just behind and slighty above my eyes. The neck feels straighter and the body is felt more. It feels very nice, there is a nice pressure in the head. It feels very solid, there is brightness in the visual. Feels amazing coming out of meditation at this point.

Eventually the pressure slackens off and it feels like a more relaxed, less intense version of what was before it.

The pressure behind the eyes comes back along with the other sensations that accompany it and the whole thing goes back in reverse.

I feel like I've got a much better handle on 2nd/3rd gear lately and I think it's related to the new territory I am hitting on the arc.

When the pressure/pleasantness associated with the third eye is present, my awareness is huge, inclusive, etc. It feels like I am very present yet also very wide open and clear. It's quite wonderful. It's almost like all the way up the focus is widening but at the same time I am becoming less and less embodied. Prior to the new stuff, when I am at 8th Jhana off the cushion, I am aware of a lot going on but I am not engaging it at all. It's a wide focus but I seem apart from it in some way. When it transitions to the third-eye state, it feels like I am coming back into the body with the huge wide awareness and I also feel very happy and content. I would like to live like this all the time (attachment, I know....)

"Today I am noticing that the witness is very clear and that by holding it like a kasina, the Jhanas seem to be presenting themselves one after another very clear and very fast. "

Hi mumu, what do you mean by "holding it like a kasina". Do you experience the witness visually? Or do I misunderstand?

Sounds like you're on a roll.
No clue what it all means though, I'm totally new to the maps .

Sort of, it's hard to express.

Let say I am looking at the visual field and I take that as an object like the kasina, then the whole visual field is there doing whatever and I am not engaging in particulars. I can do the same for sound, just lay the attention there and leave it there. Now if you do both, you can sort of hold both and nothing is being picked out from there, but there is awareness of things. You can even drive like this. Now extending this out and taking in more and more into awareness (feeling, smelling, tasting, thinking). At this point you have a nice wide focus of everything but aren't engaging it at all (or at least very little). Next I'll ask who is witnessing this (or what is witnessing this, as this sometimes works better) (I often don't take it this far and just jump in from the visual level) and there is a sense, almost tactile that comes as a response. Theres also a shift of focus back (centered around the eyes but back more toward the back of the head). Now If I allow this to be there and just hold the same type of attention I use with a kasina it can stick. I may need to ask the question from time to time and probably a lot at the beginning until it sort of takes.

Last night I found it helpful to look around and allow an interest to develop in what was around (the tress, the lights, sounds,). This seems to help stabilize it.

Hope that makes a bit of sense

As an addendum
The sensation from that point is almost like being pulled up through the Jhanas (they are somewhat soft, though clear) and zooming up to meet the 6th Jhana which is experienced as very hard (almost like it was where you were trying to get and you had to drive through the other Jhanas to get there).

I'm thinking now that the maps have had two main functions for me

1. Instilling hope - both in getting started and keeping going. Especially with the testimony of others and the ability to check my experiences against their's and the map. Also this is hugely beneficial when getting into rough terrain. When you hit the dukkha nanas for example, having the map is a godsend (you know there's a light at the end of the tunnel).

2. Orienting my practice - Now that I am somewhat up on what's going on I can adjust my practice depending on where I think I might be (noting fast and hard on itches to get into A&P, focusing on strobing in equanimity, maintaining good noting practice during dukkha nanas, etc.).


That being said, they have had their shadow side as well in terms of misjudging progress, thinking I understood things I didn't, scripting mind states, etc. You might also start wanting to hide things in case you might not actually be getting the results you are thinking, i.e. you don't want someone to tell you you could be wrong because you are attached to this sort of meditator ego thing.

At some point you'll have a breakthrough where you'll know exactly where you are. That's why you want to keep the journaling to very specific sensations. And you also want to maybe have some idea of the maps in terms of that because with the journaling you should begin to see some patterns, at that point you may want to form a hypothesis about where you are at (but don't be too attached to it if it may be wrong). This helped me orient my practice around making progress and helped get rid of a lot of doubt and anticipatory thought in my sittings.

Right now I can tell you what Nana I'm on, but I'm not sure where I'm at on the 4 paths.

That all makes sense. Thanks for sharing!

Some quotes:

Nisargadatta Maharaj

"The mind craves for formulations and definitions, always eager to squeeze reality into a verbal shape.
The mind covers up reality, without knowing it."

"You have to be very alert, or else your mind will play false with you.
It is like watching a thief - not that you expect anything from a thief, but you do not want to be robbed.
In the same way you give a lot of attention to the mind without expecting anything from it."

"If you continue in the realm of intellect, you will become entangled and lost in more and more concepts.
The riddle of spirituality cannot be solved by your intellect."

"Do not try to know the truth, for knowledge by the mind is not true knowledge.
But you can know what is not true'”which is enough to liberate you from the false.
The idea that you know what is true is dangerous, for it keeps you imprisoned in the mind."

"To expound and propagate concepts is simple, to drop all concepts is difficult and rare."

Jean Klein
Truth, being knowledge, is not a part of ordinary thinking which depends on the subject/object relationship.
Ordinary thinking stems from the known, but being knowledge is outside of the realm of having knowledge.
It cannot be 'had', 'got', it can only be.

"All that we can do is become clear that we can never find enlightenment in the realm of thought and concepts.
Our true nature is not objectifiable."

These are from a site I used to visit frequently while practicing and studying along the lines of advaita for a couple of years:
www.theendofseeking.net/ET%20-%20Liberat...rough%20Thought.html

Awoke this morning feeling with occasional waves of nausea / overall icky feeling, though strangely far more manageable than more routine of waking up anxious and then feeling that on the way to work (around 8 AM).

While at work things got very A&P ish with tingling, noticed flow in the visual field, felt warm and happy (around 11 AM perhaps).

Some while later noticed it had transitioned to a more cooled out state where my skin felt cool and focus was wide. Felt sort of out of it at this point, was nice. (12 PM)

In the afternoon I got a very clear sense of anxiety and now I am feeling some uncomfortable pressure in the back of the head and various other places in the body. (2-3 PM-ish)

I feel very content with all of this going on and I am sort of not really doing anything other than watching this unfold (and doing work of course).

Spending a good bit of time in the witness.

Edit:
Things seemed to have a negative tone for most of the evening. Went for a walk around 7 with my Mother. Had a wonderful discussion about life and things. She's pretty deep. Anyhoo, by 9:00 or so it looks like I may be out of the rough patch. Will see how it goes.

doubt
sadness
worthlessness
stupidity
bad meditator
weeping
tension/pressure in face, head, neck
crappy journal
bad writer
want to go to bed / be unconscious

"doubt
sadness
worthlessness
stupidity
bad meditator
weeping
tension/pressure in face, head, neck
crappy journal
bad writer
want to go to bed / be unconscious

"

Wonderful! The fact that you can see all of this is serious progress. The hard places are at first the invisible places, where we don't want to look, where we don't want to acknowledge. When they get objectified, they will loose the sense of being a problem. They just are. Then you are really on your way to being free.

thanks owen, I feel like a helpless little child. It feels like every time I've ever felt different from everyone else (not in a good way). You know, like how could anyone ever like this guy, he's such a piece of ****. Like all the girls who I've never approached because they wouldn't like me anyway (though they probably would have). I was the King of the Prom but still didn't believe anyone could actually like me. As if everyone's life would be better without me influencing it. Like I'm some sort of shadow or plague that just brings others down.

MEH!

"thanks owen, I feel like a helpless little child. It feels like every time I've ever felt different from everyone else (not in a good way). You know, like how could anyone ever like this guy, he's such a piece of ****. Like all the girls who I've never approached because they wouldn't like me anyway (though they probably would have). I was the King of the Prom but still didn't believe anyone could actually like me. As if everyone's life would be better without me influencing it. Like I'm some sort of shadow or plague that just brings others down.

MEH!


"

I like you.

"thanks owen, I feel like a helpless little child. It feels like every time I've ever felt different from everyone else (not in a good way). You know, like how could anyone ever like this guy, he's such a piece of ****. Like all the girls who I've never approached because they wouldn't like me anyway (though they probably would have). I was the King of the Prom but still didn't believe anyone could actually like me. As if everyone's life would be better without me influencing it. Like I'm some sort of shadow or plague that just brings others down.

MEH!
"

This is very good news. I sat with basically the same stuff you are talking about and cried like a baby for a week. It was what I needed at the time. That was what the retreat was about for me.

Be gentle with yourself. Cry if you need to. The only stuff that can hurt you is the hidden stuff. It is coming to the surface now and you will soon be able to deal with it with compassion and awareness.

Just a tip, try doing metta practice directed at you. It doesn't matter that it won't feel natural at first. Just keep doing it. It will help. Feeling like you are worthy of waking up and finishing this thing is a requirement for getting it.

I like you too mumuwu! Head up! Even though it is counter intuitive and the self is pretty illusory and it sucks to be "me" or whoever, (well, not anymore as "me' ...well...it's hard to put a finger on what it is anymore) but man, you have done something that not many people have done. I wish more people would do what you have done, but I have my doubts. There is so much bollox out there that people identify with and attach importance to, but man, we might not be nothing special, but we sure DID something special.

Head up! According to the dogma, you are set! Hehehe!

Nick