A beginners Journal

Seems to be a lot of "stuff" going on lately. Experienced a situation last night in which I saw emotions in a new way. I've heard about how emotions are physical and mental sensations combined, and know it intellectually. Bloody amazing in reality though!
Anger arose as vibrating and tension in my stomach, and tension and warmth across my shoulders. To go along with this the thoughts of "how could she do this to me?" "I deserve better then this" etc, etc. The physical sensations were clearly in my torso, and the thoughts were in my head, and the two never contacted each other to form an emotion. Does this sound similar to how others experience this? When the two contact, is that the creation of the illusion of an emotion? Is that the gloming I've heard about?
I was in bed when this happened and just keeping my attention in my entire body. My concentration has been really good today, though I'm tired. I'm finding it easy to see and turn away from arising thoughts and emotions. It just feels natural and obvious. Not sure where I am on the maps, but I like it!!

Nice, Rev!
I have had those experiences when the two are clearly separated several times. Body/storyline. Very interesting and enlighting.
Glad to hear things are looking up for you!

Good work, Rev!

Thanks meekan, and Antero!
It's funny, At the time I wrote those I was blown away with "my" amazing realizations. Now it seems kind of funny how excited I got. I just used it to feed the ego. "Oh boy! I sure am a good mediator! Look how enlightened I am" Funny, and embarrassing. lol!

Edit:I'm still able to keep from getting tied up in thought and emotions though, feels like a new phase...or something.

I've had an emotional, family related sh!t storm going on, so everything sucks right now, or so it seems. Overwhelmed.
Meditating for longer stretches, I used to set my timer for 45 minutes but it goes off and I don't feel ready to get up. I've changed it to 50 minutes, same thing. I'll try 55 and see what happens.
Everything feels basically the same: Settle, jaw tension, energy surge with light in the visual field, mental chatter. The chatter seems present for a minute or two, then I experience quietness for about the same period. (During the quiet phase I have pressure between my eyes and my attention is drawn there.) Repeat, two extremes changing into each other very quickly. This pattern lasts about 15 minutes, then it just fizzles out and I'm still and quiet. Sometimes I just stay like that, today with 50 minutes on the timer I seemed to just melt back to the beginning of the sit, 10 seconds of subtle change, like a loss of concentration and some relaxation, and I'm at the start of the ride.
Daily life is a struggle with extreme emotions. The struggle is to just be present, without embedding or rejecting them, which is what I usually do with strong emotions. Frustration, self doubt, anger, confusion, doubt, irritability.

Just meditated another 50, peaked and started over again(as mentioned above) after 23 minutes. Looking more closely though, I don't think I'm starting at the beginning. It feels similar because the pressure/tension/tingling in my head releases, and I'm left still, which is common in my daily life, but much less dull(I tend to be experiencing dullness in daily life.
Beats me where I am, I'll just keep at it and drop the speculation.

I give up, surrender, uncle.

Do I read you right in that you are confused because you were thinking you had passed Review, started an new Path, and should not have had the cycling in 304, 305?

That's one of things that I'm currently confused about, yes.
Mostly just confusion about everything practice related. I'm assuming this is Dukkha nana side effects.
I realized after my last post how much I've been trying to manipulate my life(every aspect). Greed/aversion motivated in a huge way.
But, I DON'T KNOW!! I don't know what to do, or what should happen next or what is best, so I'm just going to sit back, put my feet up and watch the crazy show continue knowing that I am perfectly safe regardless of what happens. Everything is perfect right here, I don't need to try to change or improve anything, myself included.
Good Night

Another 45(interrupted at the end). I feel relieved, like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I'm just trying to stay curious about what will arise, "no dog in the fight." My sit was pretty average, less pressure in the head then usual. After about 30 minutes mental chatter stopped mid word on it's own. I felt like I'd just woken up from a dream, then everything was very still and silent.
Edit:Also had a few moments in which I didn't seem to have a centre, it's usually just behind the eyes or middle of my head. But about 4 or 5 times, for about 3-5 seconds each, it seemed gone.

"But, I DON'T KNOW!!
-RevElev"

Me neither! Not knowing is kind of nice, isn't it?

Looks to me like this is real progress!

Steve.

Not knowing is very nice!
For me it seems like knowing, and the need to know(greed), and be right, supports the illusion of self. If I admit I don't know, and have no stake in what happens(give up control), there doesn't seem to be much of "me" left.
My heart and body lighten considerably. The trick will be to maintain the attitude until it becomes natural. It's easy at home, at work it seems a bit more difficult. I think I finally get what Kenneth means by "I don't know" and "no dog" it's a wonderful way to exist.
Edit: Sitting tonight, 55 minutes, nice. After about 40 mins had 2 flashes in the visual field accompanied by slight convulsions and pleasant tingling.

"But, I DON'T KNOW!! I don't know what to do, or what should happen next or what is best, so I'm just going to sit back, put my feet up and watch the crazy show continue knowing that I am perfectly safe regardless of what happens. Everything is perfect right here, I don't need to try to change or improve anything, myself included." -RevElev

This is freedom. We cannot count on enlightenment in some imaginary future. Now is the time to be free. Thank you for expressing it so clearly.

I think I may have actually blown a fuse, or something, at post 306. I really was fed up and done with everything, and had a bit of a break down. I was trying to use my willpower to get through whatever I was experiencing(DN maybe) and I just couldn't do it anymore. I completely failed. And, I'm so glad I did.
It seems like something has changed, I don't seem to have an agenda right now. I usually get annoyed at people at work for doing things "wrong"(not my way is wrong), but not today, it was just fine, it wasn't my concern anymore. Walking home felt incredibly pleasant, no concerns or worries, just taking steps during a nice afternoon. I've been more easy going at home as well. I'm a bit of a control freak, that's taken a break.
I was curious how today would go, Fridays are early mornings(5 am) and exhausting(due to work) and I often find myself irritable as a result. Today I was exhausted, and fine with it. It's just physical sensations today, no emotional component attached. I don't seem to get upset with myself because I don't feel happy, or humble, or "enlightened" enough. In short, I didn't live up to my expectations for how I should feel and behave, but I just didn't care, usually I try to force myself to be more "enlightened". But I've never been enlightened, so how could I possible know how to go about it? By not manipulating I had a great day, and was probably nicer to people as a result.
I don't know if this is a nana, or jhana, or path, or not. I don't know if this is permanent or if it will fade and I'll be the same ol' jerk tomorrow, but, this is the best I've felt in a long time. I wish I'd given up years ago. It feels so freeing to surrender the need to be right or to be anything at all, to set down my agenda and walk away from it.

Rev, I had a rather traumatic experience in a family relationship a couple of years ago, when I found myself saying the exact same thing you did--that's it, I surrender, I give up. It had to do with relinquishing control over a situation; for years I thought if I was just a good enough person things would go the way I wanted, and I ran slam into the brick wall. I have not gone back; oh, there's been a moment or two of backsliding here and there, but I catch myself before it goes very far, and I don't go back. I'm thinking this may be your experience as well. Once you've had enough, you've had enough. Stay well. L

"I don't seem to get upset with myself because I don't feel happy, or humble, or "enlightened" enough. In short, I didn't live up to my expectations for how I should feel and behave, but I just didn't care, usually I try to force myself to be more "enlightened". But I've never been enlightened, so how could I possible know how to go about it? By not manipulating I had a great day, and was probably nicer to people as a result.
I don't know if this is a nana, or jhana, or path, or not. I don't know if this is permanent or if it will fade and I'll be the same ol' jerk tomorrow, but, this is the best I've felt in a long time. I wish I'd given up years ago. It feels so freeing to surrender the need to be right or to be anything at all, to set down my agenda and walk away from it."

This is the best thing I've heard all day, Rev. Giving up is exactly what needs to be done. The macho approach to enlightenment can only take you so far and in fact the reason it works is that you eventually get so tired of beating your head against the wall that you surrender to the fact that none of this is up to you. You are a fiction in any case. And in that moment of surrender, there is awakeness.

Kenneth,
Thanks for the kind words, and, especially, thank you for creating a place for people to come together and become enlightened. I suspect your suggestion to tweak my pre-sit resolution to "surrender to enlightenment" got this ball rolling for me. The thing that continues to amaze me about this practice is how obvious it all seems once you really get it.
Laurel,
Thanks, We seem to pick up these ideas as kids believing the world revolves around us and it can be hard to let them go, even though they don't really work very well.

Sat this am, just curious about what would arise. I didn't try to figure out where I was on the maps or what should come next. Settled quickly, after about 5 minutes had a posture straightening surge and some light in the visual field, some mental chatter arose along with tightness in the back. Began to have pressure at the top of the head about the size of a golf ball. Investigated that, my awareness seemed to relocate back in the head from behind the eyes. Not sure if it moved or my focus opened, instead of just "seeing" the eye area from the back of the head I "zoomed out" and increased my filed of view. I'm not sure which it was, but I'm leaning towards the zoom out idea.
Pleasant tingling developed in my head, it would last 2 or 3 seconds, then just stop. After about 30 minutes I had 5 Very pleasant... shivers. My body convulsed, like a shiver, and highly pleasant tingling would rise up my body. I was left giggling, slightly, after a couple of these. I'm feeling happy and relaxed now. I've also noticed that I'm fascinated by the way light reflects off of surfaces.(I know, weird but there it is). I think I almost hypnotized myself watching light shimmering off the stream of coffee as I poured it into my cup. Happy, relaxed, and curious. Excited to see what happens next. I feel kind of child like, happy for no apparent reason, easily amazed by previously mundane things. This is slightly challenging to my self concept of being a reasonable mature man. Haha!!!
Edit: Currently still experiencing fine tingling on my shoulders and back of my scalp.

Question:
Tried a slightly different take on my meditation this evening and had a new experience. I'm curious if this matches up with anyone's experience or if I may just be delusional, or to tired to be trying something new;)
Basically I just relaxed and watched for tension to arise in the mind, I've done this before but only caught it after thoughts had already arisen. Today I was able to notice the tension just before the thought or image arose. I found that I could begin releasing the tension created by the thought as the thought itself was arising in my mind. The tension was noticed as a shadow of the thought falling across the mind just before the thought became visible. Similar to a person around a corner casting a shadow in front of them(sun behind them) so you know they are there before you can see them. I found this incredibly relaxing and pleasant, though required a lot of concentration.
As far as my giving up project goes, it goes. I'm really tired today so the early morning was rough but I'm definitely more relaxed and free feeling. This new approach doesn't seem to be automatic, but I can remind myself and the agenda and need to be right drops pretty easily. The desire to "know" keeps popping up but I'm catching it and releasing it, like a little fish. I experienced a little giddiness from this "no dog" approach at work and laughed out loud a couple times. Considering how tired I am, I think that's pretty darn good. And now, I sleep.

Well...the joy of giving up hasn't lasted, not really surprised. Seems like the old control freak is back from vacation, I feel like I've gained a bit of understanding from the experience though. I was thinking I was on to something there, I had a week in which I saw thoughts, emotions, and existence in new and very clear ways
Yesterday and today have been strange. I'm feeling really bi-polar, I'm usually just depressed, but this is an extreme up and down. I'm really down for 10-60 minutes, then I feel great, free, and open for about 5-10 minutes, then bam! right back down again.
The coming out of the depression is interesting because I just begin to see through the "I" experiencing the sensations. It's like every hour I go through the process of seeing that the thoughts and feelings are not me/mine, and that I'm completely free and everything is perfect.
When I see through this it's like the post SE honeymoon phase in which I couldn't imagine ever being embedded again. Meditation seems like the easiest thing in the world, just close my eyes and everything is perfect.
And, likewise, when I'm "at the bottom" I can't believe I ever felt happy or free, or ever will again. Meditation seems impossible, I can't even seem to remember how to do it. I sit down and get lost in thought and physical pain, and just want to stop trying.
Just another one of those things...I guess.

Sounds like a rough spot!
It won't last though, right?
Hoping things look up soon!

I agree--things don't stay the same. Take it easy on yourself; backsliding is part of the package.

Hey there, Rev. I'm sorry to hear that things have tougher on you lately. It probably feels like a bit of a rude surprise, coming after your recent openings.

However, I'm not sure I agree that this is backsliding. From what you wrote (and have been writing recently) it sounds instead that you are having entirely new experiences. I'm not sure if my experiences post-SE are similar, but I had times where my emotional sensitivity was turned up to 11 for short periods not only for pleasant and unpleasant experiences, but also for formerly neutral things. This seems to have passed and things smoothed out, but in a way, I miss that heightened sensitivity.

Let us know how this period goes for you.

"Well...the joy of giving up hasn't lasted, not really surprised. Seems like the old control freak is back from vacation, I feel like I've gained a bit of understanding from the experience though."

Hey Rev,
Just a quick suggestion, it might help to notice that all of your impulses for control happen spontaneously. If you do that long enough, you mind find surrender arising.