A beginners Journal

Yesterday and today I've had an odd heavy feeling in the body. I feel more present in this body then I ever have, almost strangely so. It's sort of like being aware of how much weight there is to the body. I'm used to dwelling in my thoughts, which are physically weightless, and lately I seem much more aware of the heaviness of being a 200 lb body. That doesn't exactly describe it, but kind of. "I" feel more physically present in this bag o' bones then ever before.
I can drop into this way of perceiving at will, or I can "be my thoughts". This is a really poor description, I can't quite figure it out. Does this sound familiar to anyone? or just of those momentary changes of little to no significance.
Just noticed how much "I" want this to be a big deal so that "I' can be a big deal.
Seem able to be almost constantly attentive/aware/mindful of my body/sensations/thoughts, I've noticed a significant increase yesterday and today, even at work. Had what I'd describe as a pressure wave move top to bottom through my head(brain) during both sits yesterday, not today though. My sits today where shorter though. That was new for me.
My attention seems often focused at the third eye, whenever I pay attention to now, on or off the cushion

Thursday night woke up screaming. Scared the hell out of my girlfriend, and cat. No memory of a dream, no feeling of being emotionally upset. I was very calm afterwards.
Yesterday felt like I was doing this wrong, everything felt off, practice wise.
Today drowning in anxiety, no reason for it that I can find.
Still 2 X 45 minutes/day. Recently my mindfulness has been very good all day. Lately , while sitting, I've had a lot of thoughts arising which I seem powerless to not follow. Feel like I'm striving like crazy, having trouble letting go of it.
Sounds like DN to me, oh joy!!

Heavy anxiety yesterday. I found myself turning towards it though. Usually I avoid unpleasant emotions, out of habit, a life time of aversion.
I've been feeling emotions as part physical sensation and part thought for a few months, but still find them forming an "emotion" unless I'm very diligent about maintaining awareness of the components. Yesterday it seemed much more natural to see them as separate components.
Turning towards the physical sensation of tension in my lower chest the feeling changed to almost an ache, similar to a muscle worked a little to hard. I also experienced a feeling of compassion and sadness directed towards myself. I feel compassion for others, but almost never feel it directed at me. It changed from a feeling of tense/nervous/anxiety to one of tender caring.
I don't know if this is indicative of any progress(paths) but it was a welcome change to how I have been dealing with unpleasant emotions, and my feelings toward myself.
I'm curious now to see if this is something that remains, and if I can use it when I feel unpleasant emotions towards others. It would be a great step for me if I could transform anger into compassion on a regular basis.
Today I'm feeling much happier then yesterday, even after a pretty poor sleep. My morning sit was quite distracted though. A lot of thoughts arising, and weak focus.

Hi, Rev!
Glad to see you are hanging in there with alk the ups and downs!
Keep up the travelling onwards!

You too! Glad that you're still around.
Hope your practice is paying off!

Evaluating my practice, I've come to the conclusion I need to simplify. Cut it to the bone, stop distracting myself with things like posting to websites, trying to learn every practice that works for someone else, validate my time by getting positive feedback from people I don't know. It's just another thing to cling to, which only causes more suffering. This practice is easy, Let Go of everything. Time to try. Maybe I'll be back, maybe not.
"So Long...and thanks for all the fish!'