A beginners Journal

More practice less posting, or as Elvis said "A little less conversation, a little more action."
Sat 90 minutes (2X45) today. Pressure moving around my head from the top to my forehead and back again.
Noticed I can't keep my awareness on the entire body. It seems to be split between head and body, the "I" in the head looking at itself or other(body). The "I" looking at itself switches from internal feeling to external visualization of the head. Within the body, focus moving from chest to arms to lower back, to legs... Sometimes it feels like it encompasses the whole body. I can feel the tingling sensation on the surface of my skin all at once, or so it seems.
Awareness off the cushion weak today, noting mostly physical sensations. Coming back to the body again and again.

Nice reporting Rev. and congrats on putting in the cushion time.
Just curious did you sit the 2x45 back to back or morning and evening? I'm currently
struggling to make the 2nd sit in the evening.

Cheers

Thanks, one morning, one mid afternoon. If I'm lucky I'll get in another this evening. I'm not working much right now, good(time to practice) and bad(Broke) aspects of this. I'd strongly suggest part time work for your practice, if you don't enjoy talking to bill collectors though it may not be for you. lol
I've been doing this much sitting for a couple months, but I get too caught up in the "goal" and end up frustrated, I need to keep it very simple and relaxed.

Yesterday: 1h 50m seated. 2X 45 min + 20 min
3X10 breaths to settle. Experienced pain in centre of back, it slowly moved up to between shoulder blades. The pain was a hot pinching.
Ringing in my ears fluctuated in volume for about 10-15 seconds, 30 minutes into second sit.
Energy surges towards end of both longer sits, resulted in rocking forward and back. Created a fair amount of pleasant physical sensations on the surface of my body.
After the pleasant sensations early in sit decreased I became aware of a large black solid object in visual field, but not from the eyes. This seemed more like what the visual field was projected onto. This also seemed somehow related to pressure in my forehead, pressure increased as I became more aware of this "screen". Not sure how to explain this any better.
Second sit I felt a lot of distance from my physical sensations/body for 5-10 minutes. They were all perceived as pleasant, even a shooting pain in my left knee. It just seemed pleasant to be having any sensations, the pain aspect was very muted.
Have felt pressure in the forehead for all sits, this morning it appeared in my second 10 breath count and is still present, but is much more subtle. I was distracted this morning during my sit.

75 min seated today.
I'm babysitting a puppy who isn't housebroken yet, so I haven't sat for long or been very concentrated at all. I am getting the pressure in my forehead almost immediately. All day if I stop and watch my breath for one inhale/exhale cycle the pressure is back immediately, just as strong as sitting. It's neutral, so no big deal.
Won't have much time to sit Friday either.

Noted today at work, it was great. I was very aware throughout the day and am finding that very mundane things are pleasurable, breathing, walking, whatever I pay attention to seems pleasurable.
45 min seated. I think I fed off the noting from my day. 3x10 breathing. Very pleasant tingling on the skin quickly. After about 15 min experienced the "screen" feeling again, it feels like I'm looking around the edge of the visual input from my eyes at the screen behind them. I also tried the imaginary nose pinch, and couldn't do it, felt like I wasn't able to focus at the nose. 2nd Jhana? Strongly suspect so. The pleasant tingling was gone and my mind was very stable and calm, breathing very subtle. The pain in my legs stopped or I didn't notice it anymore.
After about 30 min I began feeling energy pulsing around my body, like balls of energy moving along my bones. This lasted for 2-3 min. then turned into a Very strong energy surge through the whole body. Eyes moving a great deal, eyelids twitching, body shaking It seemed to build up in my head, felt like it was going to pop, a little scary. I also noticed the ringing in my ears to be louder, also changing in pitch like a siren, this lasted 3-5 minutes then returned to a constant sound. Over the next five minutes I came back to a normal level, I felt the same as when I first sit down. I've been giddy since, laughing easily and hard, things that would bother me don't. Feeling very motivated to practice.
The pressure in my forehead was less during the sit and the day, I can increase it if I focus on it, but don't see the point. Really feels like things are building up this week. Still noting, finding two levels to my mind, one in the background watching and one living my life.
I've been dedicating my practice, daily and formal, to others and it has really changed the feeling for the better. My practice seems more open, less stressful, and more meaningful

I've been averaging about 90 mins a day seated, with some 15-20 min walks thrown in. Pretty standard, energy surges, eye movement/strain, physical sensations muted, ringing in the ears, expansion of awareness/space, and all the other things I've already written about. I've noticed more tension/pain in my jaw and neck lately while sitting though. Also had the pain in my back(along the spine) move another couple of inches up. It's now between my shoulder blades. I t has become hot and radiates the heat and a pleasant relaxation out and down from the central location.

QUESTION: I'm experiencing a split in "me", I seem to take a step back from the sensations I'm noting and watching from outside. I'm watching the experiences happen. This has occurred while sitting, but has started happening in my daily life. "I" watch the body do and experience things.
Should I focus on this feeling? Is it a part of normal progression or just a side effect of no importance? Thanks

45 minutes seated. physically agitated. Couldn't get comfortable, clearing my throat, swallowing a lot. I didn't settle into the usual "states" I experience, something very different happened. I began falling asleep, but part of "me" was still alert and aware that I was getting sleepy. I usually just get groggy and slip into unconsciousness, head bobs waking me up. Tonight I saw myself get groggy and begin falling asleep, the part of watching this was unaffected by the tiredness the rest of me experienced. The last several nights I've resolved to maintain awareness while I was asleep, hasn't happened, maybe it's related.
The last few days I've also noticed a large change in my daily life. The difference between on and off the cushion has shrunk. My level of awareness throughout my day is heightened, similar to what I used to experience meditating. It takes some effort to maintain but feels very natural. I've been in a good mood since I've re-focused my practice and feel more dedicated to seeing this to the end.

Self doubt, Frustration. Am I doing this right, or is this just delusional scripting?
1h 35m seated.
3x10 to settle, again a lot of agitation. Noticed that I have tension in my throat, between my Adam's apple and top of sternum, that is causing the throat clearing and swallowing. My focus seems to end up(15-20 mins in) at the forehead with a lot of pressure. My eyes are changing focus/crossing and moving up and down often, more chaotic then it has been recently. This morning I felt separated from the body, less so this afternoon. By separated I mean the physical experience is muted and distant. The pressure in my forehead settled between my eyebrows. I had a lot of trouble staying focused this afternoon, instead of the large gaps between thoughts it felt like I was having tiny mental "eruptions" every 1/2 second. Literally that often, no rest or silence, just lots of minor distractions. They weren't even fully formed thoughts, just a lot of pointless noise. It's like my mind went from being a calm lake to a pot of boiling water, but the bubbles are nothing. White noise where I hear every separate pop and click.
I've noticed in my daily life that when I'm most clearly focused on the present I'm having very slight pressure at the temples just within the skin. I'm having more difficulty staying focused though, I'm more settled but less present. Overall very content but less able to concentrate.

RevElev, I spend a lot of time worrying about if I'm "really" experiencing something, or just scripting based on hopes. The fact is, while I still have these kinds of doubts, I've generally found out later that my instincts were good all along, and when they weren't, no real harm was done!

I don't know what your practice history was prior to this thread, but what you're describing sounds a bit like my recent experience of what I THINK was A&P followed by Dissolution and its nastier sequels. The disorientation- and loss of a sense that there are repeatable measures of "success" in practice- only got worse. On the other hand, the opportunity to learn to just sit back and ride some pretty rapid and frequent changes was a lesson all by itself! I would just say, don't bear down too hard, a lot of this seems to take care of itself.

Again, I don't know what your practice history is- you may be somewhere way past me. I just wanted to join in the discussion, 'cause I find that a lot of the pre-4th-path mutual-support discussions are drying up lately (possibly due to site problems- WetPaint seems to be going through its won dukkha nyanas!)

Rob, Thanks for the reply! I've been reading your thread and it does sound like we are in a similar place. I definitely am not way past you, or anyone else around here, hence the name of this thread. I don't post on any other threads for this very reason, I have nothing of use to add. I totally agree that the site seems to be post 4th path based lately, which is inspirational, but also frustrating. It sometimes feels like I'm the youngest kid at the playground, I wish!
I've been at this about 5 months, started posting here in early Sept. Samatha seated meditation with noting during my days. It's been a great experience, as long as I don't push too hard, which is a bad habit of mine. Good Luck in your practice!

"QUESTION: I'm experiencing a split in "me", I seem to take a step back from the sensations I'm noting and watching from outside. I'm watching the experiences happen. This has occurred while sitting, but has started happening in my daily life. "I" watch the body do and experience things.
Should I focus on this feeling? Is it a part of normal progression or just a side effect of no importance? Thanks"

Hi RevElev.

Definitely this is a feeling/stance to cultivate. When you have the experience of watching what is happening mentally and physically that is "the witness," or 2nd gear. Sometimes it will arise in meditation or after noting, or at other times it may pop up during daily activities. It can also be cultivated consciously, though that takes a little practice in how to shift attention. The witness seems important a) because it takes concentration to hold, so it helps energetic development and b) it allows heightened detachment from psychological and emotional content. It is, in a sense, like a state of noting without noting, if that makes sense.

You may notice the witness is associated with a slightly head-achey feeling; tension in the middle of the head and the back of the head. Don't sweat, that it good. It is also--as Kenneth mentions--slightly dissociated, you may feel spaced and reality may be get "unreal." Don't sweat that either. I like to walk and do witness practice because I don't have to interact with people during a walk.

Yours,
Mark

PS Your comment about being "the youngest kid at the playground" is one I definitely relate to, and I am came here with a lot of practice history under the belt. Feeling like a slow poke was both motivating and maddening too. I think the upside is if you can see this happening and accept it compassionately it can aid practice. Of course we want to be father ahead, totally normal. I know I did and still do. Also, this feeling of being "behind" burns the ego--or it did to mine--in an important way, a kind of serious interpersonal pressure that was playing out in my own stuff.

There's this Rumi poem where he talks about his teacher putting him in a pot to cook and not taking the lid off. And Rumi having to bascially sit there and cook. Something like that. I think of this place as being a pressure cooker in that vein.

Mark,
Thanks for the comments, they are very much appreciated!
This is definitely a great place to watch the ego. I have a "good" meditation session and feel great about myself and my practice, then I stumble onto a direct mode conversation and I feel like a hillbilly in the big city. I'm starting to be able to watch it, and it's actually pretty damn funny. How I feel can completely change in minutes just by doing a little reading, it's very strong motivation to practice and better understand the three characteristics.
I've read about the 2nd gear practice here and always thought it would be a more profound shift, my experience has been subtle. Although my daily life has shifted a fair bit in the last couple weeks, it feels like a snowball rolling down hill that's too big for me to stop. Sorry for all the metaphors but I find myself having experiences that I can't describe, all the time.
I'm also glad that I was unaware of the symptoms before I experienced them, I'm very concerned about scripting. I've had the headache and the spaced out feeling. I'm finding that I'm pushing myself to be in this 'state' most of the time because it feels the like the leading edge of my practice, good to know I can just access it occasionally, that spaced out feeling can be annoying. Hopefully this detachment will be of use when I start into the dark knight, assuming I haven't already been there. I'm basically lost with regards to the maps but I'm enjoying the journey so much I really don't care as long as I'm progressing.

Yesterday: 90 mins seated. This morning 45 minutes.
I used to follow the breath 3x10 to settle at the start of my sessions. It feels completely unnecessary lately. I experienced a lot of lights in the visual field. I felt like I was jumping around a lot, I usually feel like I go through different 'states/stages/whatever' and then back out and end up at the beginning. Not like that at all. A lot of pressure in the head, on and off the cushion, especially between the eyebrows.
For the first time I feel like I don't know what I should be doing on the cushion. I've always felt like I had a goal and a way to get their, even though I couldn't express it. Now I feel lost when I sit, I can do the same old stuff, but it doesn't feel like I can make progress doing that anymore.
Something profound seems to have happened, that's how it feels. I feel Very different in my daily life, like I see clearly what is, instead of through the filter of "me". It feels like my daily life needs to be the focus of my practice right now. I feel clear, but can access a different method of perception(witness ?) but it's not yet stable. One focused breath and I'm their, but sometimes it lasts 10 seconds, sometimes an hour. This is probably just some phase. I'll keep on with my regular practice and see where I go next.
Giddy-up!

Just wondering- do you have the sense that stuff that used to happen confined to your sittings is now stretching out over long periods of time? It's something I went through a couple of weeks ago- the notion that I was passing through "stages/states/whatever" (how perfectly put!) in a sitting faded away, but then I got the idea that those same "whatevers" were playing out over longer time scales, in daily life- minutes or hours. Now I don't even feel that- there's no pronounced anything, either on or off the cushion, and I kinda miss the drama!

Rob
hhhmmmm....... I'm not really sure. Hadn't thought about it like that before. "no pronounced anything" seems to be describing things for me this morning though. I feel like I'm used to the drama, and now that it's subsided I'm a little lost without it. I feel tense because the source of tension is gone, damn weird. It's like being lost without my wheelchair, even though I can walk now.
I've always experienced on and off the cushion as very different, now they're becoming much more similar, and I'm still get used to the change.

Sounds good, Rev. You really have built up some momentum now and it's paying off. Interesting, boring, good, bad, indifferent--note it all! You are making progress, so keep up the excellent work.

90 mi. yesterday, 2h 15m today.
Experiencing a lot of pressure in the head. Pressure in the forehead is almost always present, on and off the cushion. Slightly unpleasant, but not too bad. I feel unbelievably present in each moment and I'm more aware of everything it seems.
Today while sitting I had an intense energy surge that rushed up into my head, it felt like it almost lifted me off the ground. Intense strobing, and eyelid twitching, followed by squinting and contraction of all my facial muscles. The energy was very light and seemed to collect in the top of my head and some pushed through my skull and out, some seemed to be reabsorbed by my body.
The feeling of being separate from "Brian" is solidifying. It seems Brian is the result of Kamma, and this new feeling of "I" is independent of cause and effect with little interest in daily life.

90 min seated /day since last post. 2 -15 min walking.
Any terms I use are my best guess as to the experience, I'm not claiming to be, for instance, at 4th jhana, it's just my best guess/interpretation.
I've been experiencing continued pressure in the head, but have started feeling it in the back of the head, and top more often. When I'm experiencing the witness sensation I have a fair amount of pressure at the top of my spine/base of my skull. During sits the pressure has begun moving from my forehead/third eye to the top of my skull. It feels like it's pooling above my brain.
Yesterday I think I reached 4th Jhana, I'm confident that I reach 2nd on a regular basis. 3rd felt more like a half way point between 2 &4. 4th was very mellow calm and quiet, my connection to the body became distant and muted. At the end of my sit I experienced a huge build up of pressure at the top of my head and a very gross energy on the skin. I felt tension, exactly the way I feel waiting for a loud noise(fireworks, gun) to go off. My timer went off as this feeling was building and I started thinking about maintaining this feeling and, of course, lost it. Not sure if this was the infamous "Pop" or just more energy running around.
To answer Rod #15 above, I am starting to notice the experiences stretching out, I've been focusing on the present and not really look at larger time frames.
I've felt very clear headed the last couple of days, but easily frustrated. I'm noting these as they come up, usually with little delay. Hopefully progressing.

Keep hanging out there!!! 4th jhana/11th nana is the place to be. Just resolve to get there in every sit and patiently wait and dis-embed from all those subtle mind states that can interrupt the process.

Let it mature!

Life's gotten intrusive lately. Very little time to practice...frustration. It feels like all the momentum I had is gone and I'm back at square one. Still sitting every day 30-45 minutes but my off the cushion time is filled with a lack of focus. Everything seems foggy lately, well I seem foggy lately. Still determined but disappointed and frustrated.

30-45 minutes a day is awesome!!! Progress is progress, even if it's through fog. I won't say "don't despair", but if you do, note every bit of what despair feels like! Where do you feel it? How foggy? Are you more, or less, foggy that 30 seconds ago? Don't try to look for something hiding behind the disappointment.

That's my first attempt at a pep talk Thanks for your good wishes on my thread. I know nothing really helps at this point, but... when the turnaround comes, it comes quickly, and at the moment it happens, you don't get to know that it was a turnaround til later. It's an annoying and badly-designed system!

Rob:
"It's an annoying and badly-designed system!" Love that! Hilarious. Thanks for the Pep talk.

Got 2h 30m seated today. Felt like I got the momentum back, Very glad to see it wasn't all lost. My daily practice is still less focused then a couple weeks ago though...oh well, onwards and upwards.
My last (of 3) sits today I experienced a relief of the pressure that has been building in my forehead, it occurred in 1-2 seconds and was accompanied by a feeling of expansive peace and stillness. The boundary between me and everything else felt ...imaginary and unnecessary, I seemed to be larger then my body. The pressure is still present, but it had been becoming fairly unpleasant and that aspect of it is gone , for now at least. I'm still feeling very peaceful, but this is the first day I've had time to myself in a while, so that could be it. I had also been experiencing a lot of itchiness and pulsing with the third eye pressure.
The last couple weeks it seems like I'm able to slip into an unknown nana/jhana at will, during my daily life. I get the pressure in the forehead and a slight change in my perception. I'm unsure which Jhana this may be.
I've also realized that over the last month or so I haven't become drowsy while meditating. I seem to be aware of a part of me that doesn't get tired(?), and can access it. When I'm trying to go to sleep I have to let go of this way of being aware so that I can fall asleep. I'm curious to see what happens if I just stay with it, I'm worried I'll be up all night though. Feel good tonight.

Just because I mentioned it yesterday, I starting dozing off today while sitting. I still maintained an alert awareness throughout. I watched myself get tired and started falling asleep, but was somehow completely aware and alert. Thoughts increased around this time somewhat. I was able to rouse myself by changing my eye focus, this resulted in some slight energy surges which woke me up physically and mentally. I don't know what part of me is awake when I'm asleep(?), the witness maybe? It's an interesting experience but it doesn't seem to have a practical application, maybe to become more aware of the witness? or a deeper level of awareness?
I feel great today, much lighter then over the past couple weeks. Maybe a result of yesterdays release of pressure.