A beginners Journal

A change the last couple days. A very open and relaxed feeling in my chest, very pleasant. Easy to stay with it and the present moment.
Seated, strange...yesterday and, especially, this am feels very different. It's felt like I'm starting part way through a sit(A&P ?) for the last little while. But, today it felt more like I was starting from 1st nana/jhana. A lot of thoughts that I'd follow without even realizing it. Then started experiencing the tension in my jaw I used to have around 2nd or 3rd jhana( just before 4th). Then, it felt like, maybe, a subtle A&P. lights in the visual field and tingling in the body. Nowhere near the first time I hit A&P. Also at this point my thoughts just settled out and I felt very focused again. This all happened with in my 20 minute sit before work. It really felt like I went from 1 to 4th nana, which confuses me. I thought post path I'd be starting at 4th at every sit. Maybe I'm still pre-path, or I'm mis-interpreting whats happening. Who knows? I don't!! Oh well. I'm suffering less.

Hi Rev,
This happened to me as well, maybe 2-3 weeks after SE.
Suddenly I felt like a beginner again after a review period. Nothing happend at all during a sit.
A fun exercise that I did and maybe you can try is to decide for yourself before a sit if you will start at A&P and go "all the way", or to start from the beginning again (M&B in a new cycle).
/Pejn

kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/page/The+...d+and+the+Jhanic+Arc

Thanks PEJN and mu, good advice, and good article.
Today's sit was a little odd. The entire 45 minutes I was bouncing between a very open and focus Eq. like place and something like 1st jhana, a lot of thoughts and images arising, and they were all very attractive. I was able to stay mindful through almost all of it though, and I'm fine with these changes. I seem to be starting a new "phase" and trust this is part of the process towards enlightenment.
Still confused about not having a fruition, that I've noticed. Thought they were supposed to happen automatically. Oh well.
I'm also finding an aversion to reading, writing, and talking about practice. Right now it feels like the practice is simple(not necessarily easy) and I just need to do it. All this other stuff is just a distraction from the real work and real results. I don't mean this as a criticism to anyone else, but it's why I haven't posted much lately. I've had times when posting was vital to my practice, but now it isn't.

I had the same experience with fruitions- didn't really have any noticeable ones except in the first day or so post-SE, although during a guided meditation with Kenneth once, he took me through subtle cycling in Review Phase A where the "bliss wave" following fruition just came along very very subtly. In any case, Kenneth told me that the fruitions don't really kick in that much after first path- more so after second. We'll see!

I seem to be switching between moving through what I've already experienced and starting at the beginning again. Currently my practice is very simple: I try to maintain constant awareness/mindfulness, which is easy lately, and I actively try to surrender to what is, both on and off the cushion. "Surrender" is my current mantra, not formally, but I repeat it to myself throughout the day as a reminder. I seem to have developed adequate trust in this process that I'm comfortable completely taking my hands off the wheel and just keeping my foot on the gas. This car seems to know the way, which is good because "I" don't. lol. The only thing I know for sure is that I'm not in any serious dukkha nanas, and even though my live is often unpleasant right know it really isn't "bad".

45 minutes this morning was like a sit from 2 months ago. Started at what felt like 1st jhana then started having jaw tension that has always gone with 3rd nana. Slight tingling and light in the visual field, like 2nd jhana. This was followed by a lot of thoughts and pain in my back and shoulders, (common in DN in the past). Then the stillness of 4th jhana, and one energy surge. This is exactly what used happen in a sit., so I guess a review.

1/2 hr sit before work. Felt like I began in 1st nana, up to equanimity then back down to 1st. From Eq down to 1 feels strange, I'm used to that being a one way road and all of a sudden it's not. It felt a bit like floating down a river, then the water stopped and started going back the other way.
The wonderful bliss(from my change) is definitely wearing off. Not Dookie bananas by any stretch but more average feeling, like I'm back to work after a holiday. Relaxed, but reality is setting in with it's responsibilities etc.

Really really feel like I'm in the dhukka nanas today. Absolutely miserable. I've been mostly up and down the arc(I think) so not sure how this may have happened. Maybe just one bad day, we'll see.
Everything has been going well, the honeymoon is definitely over, but no big problems. My awareness off the cushion is still very good.
Sitting feels like it's four months ago and working my way through this all, except I'm relaxed about it. I have faith in the process, and know it will all work itself out.

"Everything has been going well, the honeymoon is definitely over, but no big problems. My awareness off the cushion is still very good.
Sitting feels like it's four months ago and working my way through this all, except I'm relaxed about it. I have faith in the process, and know it will all work itself out."

Well said Rev! I'm not in the dark night yet but this describes my practice right now.

Not sure if this is DN or not. One terrible day followed by a few irritable/impatient days. The cool thing though is that the impatience is observable. It's like I'm watching a match being lit in slow motion. I see the flame flash to life, somewhat violently, then settle and slowly just burn out. Anger flashes to life, I watch, and it just fades back to nothing. Or, occasionally I take hold and run with it, being consumed by the flame, this is increasingly rare however.
I'm experiencing pressure/aching in my head, very similar to what I experienced months ago. Off the cushion my mindfulness is weakened, I seem to "space out" regularly, not with thought, just lose touch with the present.
A review? a new cycle? or maybe I'm full of crap! It was the beginning of March when I had a change, and since then it seems like I've followed a course common to those who have experienced stream entry. I'm somewhat doubtful, but yogi's with more experience then I have mentioned this, so I'm uncertain. No matter, either way I'm continuing on with practice.

FYI: a study on the affects of meditation:
mindbrain.ucdavis.edu/labs/Saron/shamatha-project/overview/

Many thanks for sharing your practice experience, Rev!

Kacchapa, your welcome. I think I get more from the experience then anyone else though.
Yesterday I began feeling very open at the chest. Today when I sat I had the experience of "I" moving back from my eyes to the centre/back of my head. This happened pre-change(path?) when I was (maybe) in equanimity. I'm still feeling like "I've" moved back, especially if I close my eyes. Pre-change this was accompanied by a pressure and itch at my third eye. I had the same thing today, but at my upper centre chest. My chest felt like it opened/relaxed n a profound way then I felt this pressure. It was like someone was resting their thumb on my chest, between my collarbones, and it would occasionally get ridiculously itchy. Review, new, no difference. lol.
I'm also finding myself reaching a point, 35-40 minutes into a 45 minute sit, where I just feel done. It's like I can get up and I've accomplished all I can in that sit. Or, more likely I'm sneaking out of work early!!

At least partly because of the mushroom taboos, even old friends with lots of practice experience rarely talk about it. And my encounters with teachers have often been succinct and mostly focusing on some details of my own practice. So a lot of the feedback I've had about the details of daily practice has come from what I think or feel about my own practice. Seems like that gets stale and makes it easy to under and over estimate my practice, leading to stretches of things like sluggishness or complacency.

Compared to that, reading the ongoing details of other yogis' practice journals, and the practical feedback they often give and get, is like a daily dose of fresh air or a jolt. I think it helps my focus and my perspective a lot. But, like you said, the only SE that will do much for me is the one I experience. When I experience it though I won't be mostly clueless, since you're helping to chart the path.

The last two days I've been in a Great mood, people have commented and I definitely feel it. I also seem to be reviewing equanimity, reaching it in each sit after about 30 minutes. Basically the same as the first time around, suddenly I'm silent and still(after a subtle A&P and distracting, uncomfortable DN). "I" moves back in the head and the energy starts buzzing around and the light show begins. Thoughts still arise but just pop up then fade out and leave no residue.
I'm also finding that I keep coming up with questions that I want answers to,"how long does this take? is this review? etc. etc. etc" But the answer that keeps popping into my head is: if I want answers then meditate and find them, don't ask other people, they can't answer them anyway. I have the questions and the answers, I just have to discover the answers.
Note to self: Sit down, shut up, and meditate!! lol

"the answer that keeps popping into my head is: if I want answers then meditate and find them, don't ask other people, they can't answer them anyway. I have the questions and the answers, I just have to discover the answers.
Note to self: Sit down, shut up, and meditate!! lol"

Nice!

Lately practice has been a big struggle. Sitting, the thoughts just don't want to stop, the same in daily life. Feeling sad, discouraged, frustrated, doubting. Much unpleasantness. But, somehow I'm aware of a stillness underneath it all, I know I'm none of these thoughts/feelings(which only helps sometimes). So, a lot of unpleasantness and doubt, but it's not as big a deal as when I experienced these things in the past(~3 months ago). I've also found all this unpleasantness is a great way to do some second gear practice. "Who is frustrated/doubting/sad?" This causes the sense of "I" to collapse within a few seconds and I'm just left with thoughts and physical sensations. "Who am I?" is becoming a larger part of my practice. It never used to really result in anything. "I'm me" used to be the answer, but now the "me" crumbles, only for a short time though. Still practicing, still progressing, even though it doesn't feel like it a lot of the time.
edit: My practice is still an open full body awareness. If it becomes difficult I'll focus on the breath, very difficult and I use buddho to remain present. As mentioned above I'm dabbling with second gear, not forcing it but at times it feels like the "right" practice to be doing. The feeling of what is "right" is what I'm using as a guide, so far so good, I think. lol

Good practice, Rev. No need to focus on the breath if it feels as though you are clamping down when you do it. Just stay open as you described, noting things as they arrise, shifting to 2nd gear as appropriate. Follow your gut and stay present as continuously as possible by whatever means; the important thing is the continuous attention to this moment, rather than the technique used.

Keep on keepin' on.

Kenneth

""Mar 7 2011, 9:47 PM EST | Post edited: Mar 7 2011, 9:57 PM EST (edit my post)
Practice update:
-I'm reaching equanimity(maybe) sooner in my sits, about 25-30min into a 45 min sit.
-The sense of "I" is now regularly moving to the centre of my head from directly behind the eyes. Seems to take place while in equanimity.
-I find myself smiling through any unpleasant experiences(DN). They are still unpleasant but they really aren't troublesome anymore.
-The feeling of "I" seems to be still and silent, similar to the eye of a hurricane. Stillness surrounded by the hurricane of Brian. I'm becoming aware of this more often off the cushion.
-Being tired seems to be less of an obstacle to staying focused.
-I'm losing doubt that this is possible. If I continue my current practice I'll attain SE and eventually much more. Just a matter of when, not if.
Thanks to everyone for your advice and support.""
The above is (obviously) from Mar 7. But it almost perfectly describes my current experiences. I'm having waves of doubt and tension throughout my day however. Not sure what that means, but what the hey, onwards.

Woke up with pressure/tension in my head, but in a great mood. Sitting, the pressure immediately intensified. After about 20 minutes of this it felt like my thoughts just stopped. A thought would occasionally pop up, then disappear quickly, without a trace. In the past I've felt like my body became less solid, but "I" was still there. Today and last night the opposite occurred, it felt like my body was rock solid, but "I" was gone. Awareness of the body and sounds(all sensations) remained, but it seemed like a non-personal awareness.
Playing with second gear lately I've gotten a little freaked out(in a good way). The disappearance of me has been unsettling, which I assume means I'm actually "getting it". It's still rare and only for short periods of time but encouraging.
I've been reading and benefiting from Nik's blog "Down the rabbit hole". Mostly third gear/AF, which is still mostly beyond me right now. But it's very interesting, and a different way to look at things.

I just had an interesting experience sitting. After about 35 minutes of things going normally it felt like my mind reset and a subtle rush of warmth and tingling went up my body. The 'reset' was similar to waking up and not knowing where you are for a second, but I wasn't groggy. There was a fraction of a second where I seemed to forget where I was. I didn't doze off just kind of...something for a fraction of a second, then "oh ya, I'm meditating. What the hell?". The warmth and tingling that followed was relatively subtle but definitely noticeable. The whole thing was very subtle and felt like I could have missed it, but my mind was very still at the time.
My attention prior to this was at a point at the centre of my head, straight back from my nose about 2-3 inches from the back of my skull. There seemed to be a ball of tension at this spot that I was trying to relax. The pressure in my head is still present and has increased to the point of being rather unpleasant.

Finished the day yesterday with a bad headache, it just intensified throughout the day. Slept great though and feel very clear and open today. Sat this morning and just released, as best I could, any tension that I noticed. Didn't have a repeat of yesterday's experience, which is fine because I'm not even sure it was an experience. lol.
This past 3 or 4 days meditating has become fascinating again, much less of a chore to sit until the bell

""What happens when you just do what needs to be done without trying? "Trying" seems to be a filter of sorts. I saw how a sense of "struggle" or "trying too hard" was overlaying what I was doing. Upon seeing that filter. I stopped it and just kept doing the thing that I was trying to do without the trying. Intention doesn't need that "trying" overlaying it. That seems to be just "me" with something at stake.""
nickdowntherabbithole.blogspot.com/2011/...-conversation-8.html

This week has been very relaxed physically and mentally. I feel Very open physically, and this happens as soon as I open my eyes in the morning. By open I mean relaxed and receptive. Tension arises, but I seem able to notice it almost immediately and release it. I've become aware of an underlying tension, that doesn't seem situational, that I can't completely release. I just let it be there and relax with the fact that I'm experiencing tension right now. Feel very content and at ease.
I think I've also experienced several instances of direct perception while walking around and being present. I played along with the video Kenneth did and experienced what he was describing as far as the incredible vibrancy of experience. As I said I've experienced this several times this week, I've tried this before but without results, it seemed like I needed the video to guide me. This week, yesterday and today, I could just flick a switch and there I was/am, actually in the moment. This off the cushion experience seems more important then seated meditation, although I'm still sitting my 60-90 minutes per day.

Cool stuff by the sound of it!