Eddy's practice journal

So I have decided to start a journal to report my meditation experiences. Anyone is free to post their input as I will openly accept it.

Yesterday I meditated for about half an hour before bed. I noted as much as I could. I don't really remember much in detail but I do remember for a moment I felt euphoric pulses throughout my body. There was another moment where sound just dissipated and blocked out and everything just flickered out for a second and seemed to come back softly. Everything was very light and pulsing afterwards. A couple of minutes later my usual anxiety and emotional distress came back. The lump in my throat and pain in my heart I always have returned.

Today I did 20 minutes of walking meditation while counting the breath to ten. I noted a bit in between the counting. Nothing strange happened I just felt very zoned out a couple of times were I forgot what I was doing. I will probably meditate a little more later on tonight.

Excellent Eddy!

Keep it up.

The euphoric pulses in the body remind me of the AP. Light and pulsing sensations sound APish. Could be wrong. It will become clearer over a number of your reports.

A couple of minutes later anxiety and emotional distress...up she comes..sounds like dukkha nanas; fear and misery. The lump in the throat and the pain in the heart sound sound extremely familiar. I have experineced them since my very first vipassana course 10 years ago. I always thought they were related to the dark night when they popped up out of nowhere with no real "object". The best way to deal with them, is to note them like there is no tomorrow. Note the sensation-type coupled with the tone of the sensation and if you can, triple the note with the mind state you are experiencing...for example:

heaviness (sensations at the heart)- negative (tone)- sadness
vibrations -bitter-negative-worry
burning-negative-anger

You will overload the brain with so much to note that you wont have time to get embedded and thus suffer that phenomena. It is a very conducive way to disembed quickly from that rough stuff. Give it a go!

Check this link for more details on this way to note:
kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/page/Detailed+Noting+is+Better

Looking forward to the next report.

Mudita,

Nick

Thanks! Is it possible for you to cycle from dark night to AP and back?

Yes!!! It is. Well, it was in my experience.

Do you think thats what happened to me?

Hi Eddy,

Keep posting your sits, explaining the bare bones of your experience, the phenomenology of it, and it will be easier to say if that is what is happening to you. Patterns may emerge. Keep reporting!

Mudita,

Nick

Okay today was a completely different experience. I did as Nikolai told me with the detailed noting. Really helped a lot with the emotional pain. It kind of dissipates when I note it in a detailed way. I had a few moments of my vision shaking while not meditating but I was in a trance. I'm getting a lot of closed eye visuals like mandala, waves, pulses, rotor vibes. I meditated for 20 minutes where I really focused on the vibes and I got into a euphoric state with excitement. I noted the excitement and desire for me to reach SE or progress. I even noted when it began to disappear or slow down and it came back every time I noted it. Then it just went away when I got distracted. I also forgot to mention the other day that I have been having very vivid dreams at night lately. I don't know if the meditation does that but I notice that the days I meditate most I have the most vivid dreams. Another thing I've noticed for months now but haven't mentioned is that when I meditate old childhood memories and forgotten dreams(even from over 10 years back which is a lot since I'm 17) begin to surface.

I get those memory/image things happening too. I figure it's actually going on all the time in everyone, like a river underground. We're dipping into it by noting it. It's really cool. Try not to get tangled up in it (remember, that isn't you, it's and object you can note, anatta). Meditation does this, it brings up a lot of stuff that we block out and such, it can be wonderful, fun, sad, or scary. Make sure to keep on top of it with noting.

You've got some interesting stuff going on eddy. It'd be great if you could try and give a record of your notes in a way that gives us a picture of your sit.

Have a look at Nadav's notes (especially after the first few pages).

kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/thread/40...dav's+practice+notes

Vibes/euphoria/dreams, etc. are all pretty characteristic of A&P, but this meditation game can be tricky so it would be helpful to see what's leading up to that in your sitting (hence the noting suggestion).

Okay so I meditated for a bit here and there today. I felt a lot of pain and anxiety. I noted it but I still went back to a sense of self. I had a lot of loathing for this sense of self. Everytime I noted it, it seemed to elude me. It just kept moving and I still felt like there was a self. Then I just relaxed a little and stopped noting. Just saw what would happen. Some pain arose and then went away. I felt a bit more relaxed but still that unrest inside. I really noted a lot of dissatisfaction. I had a lot of desire for the end of all this or just to not exist. I noted that too. A lot of pulsing and strange feelings around my head, throat, and chest

Yesterday I decided to change things up. When I noted with words I didn't feel very concentrated and felt like I was reinforcing the sense of self by constantly labeling things as not me. I felt like they were separate since I was labeling the. This caused me a lot of pain and frustration. I felt like I was in a loop. I read Kenneth's info about concentrating after A&P instead of noting. So I tried it and within 15 minutes I believe I reached equanimity. A lot of the pain left. I began to see beautiful patterns and very heavy strobing. I saw(and felt) these triangular kaleidoscopic movements through my whole field of vision. I felt a lot of energetic movements. I don't know if that was progress but it sure felt a lot better than the noting. When I concentrated I made sure to just be aware of sensations so I lightly made contact with them effortlessly. The sense of self still feels elusive. Everytime I become aware of it and it disappears it appears in another spot or way. I've been having heavy pressure around the third eye region that goes down to the roof of my mouth sometimes. I read on another thread someone mentioning they had the same thing while in equanimity.

Keep noting diligently. You sound like you are getting close.

BTW, you might be getting sidetracked digging around in the sense of self. It's just another sensation. Be sure to note "looking for self" when you start looking for a self. What you note is not important, that you note is critical. Good luck!

Today was very difficult. Very painful. Solid depression, anxiety, chest and throat pain. Noting wasnt getting me anywhere so i just decided to make continual contact with the pain. Basically facing it (had to get into a masochistic approach to do it which I will admit was interesting. Eventually I felt extremely strong energetic movements... Extreme pain and pressure around the third eye chakra. I literally felt the energy carving through. After I stopped meditating I felt very at ease and relaxed which I havent felt in a very long time. I still feel a slight sense of unrest and discomfort but a lot less than before.

Very odd today. Woke with a sense of openness and yet annoyance with with everything. I have the feeling of not knowing what to do. Im having really strong energetic discomforts in various places. I lied on a couch to note and practice but I ended up falling asleep. I was in a lot of pain so i changed position and fell fast asleep. In the short amount of time I was asleep I had the most vivid dream I have ever had. It was like a bad trip. Lately I've been having a lot of crazy (sometimes) traumatizing dreams and I've noticed the more I practice the weirder they get and increase in frequency. I really don't know what to do now. I feel a sense that things are not me. Far more than before but I am still in pain. I note even the subtlest things.

Hi Eddy,

All of what you describe sounds like progress to me. I went through the same phenomena. Energetic upheavels galore, weird dreams, pain in the chakra spots. You don't want to fight it because that will only make "you" suffer. Keep noting when you can, and keep improving your concentration when you can. If the energetic stuff gets too much, I would do some exercise or do one of your hobbys. That is what I would do. Long walks help too. When i was suffering a lot of crap like that, I would go for a walk and note all that phenomena, For some reason it was easy to dis-embed from it and not react and suffer while I was walking more so than when I was sitting. Also, if you need to slepp, sleep. Don't knock yourself for getting some shut eye. Sometimes its the best remedy.

It may seem like a lot of pain, but from what you describe it sounds like good progress. You are coming up against soem energy blockages which happens to a lot of yogis. Eventually they will subside. Just surrender to the process and keep noting and developing your concentration.

Awesome!

PS. Just one thing, don't overdo it. If you feel like you can't handle it and feel strung out becasue of all the pain. Take a break and do seomthing different. Play video games, talk to a friend or family member. Or just come on here and rant. THat can help too. Take a break when it feels too much.

Metta and mudita,

Nick

Thanks nikolai. I feel like im in a manic state... I feel like just dying. I dont want to do this anymore. Noting just makes thigns worse. But i just cant stop the noise in myhead... I dont understand surrender. I try to surrender and nothign happens. doing hobbies and distracting myself doesnt work anymore like it used to. I used to be able to reduce the pain with distraction now it just comes back and gets stronger. I cant even do my favorite activites for 5 minutes without stopping in frustration. I ******* hate noting. IM tired of this. Nothing works. I just feel like I cant do aythign in my life.

(4) Yes, none of your previous hobbies will give you even the slightest satisfaction when you are in this condition. In fact, trying to do stuff you used to like might have unexpected negative consequences (you might lose the taste for it).

You are undergoing severe mental pain. Accept this as a temporary fact. You will recover.

(5) Just on a previous post you wrote: "Noting wasn't getting me anywhere so i just decided to make continual contact with the pain. Basically facing it (had to get into a masochistic approach to do it which I will admit was interesting. Eventually I felt extremely strong energetic movements... Extreme pain and pressure around the third eye chakra. I literally felt the energy carving through."

This kind of "bearing down on it," in the sense of "pushing through," will likely get you into trouble. Rather than a mechanical drill forcing rock to break into pieces, successful noting practice is more like a stone skipping over the water repeatedly, gently, lightly, precisely and persistently over and over and over again. If you drill yourself, you will hurt yourself.

(contd.)

"(1) I feel like just dying. I dont want to do this anymore. Noting just makes thigns worse.

(2) But i just cant stop the noise in myhead...

(3) I dont understand surrender. I try to surrender and nothign happens.

(4) doing hobbies and distracting myself doesnt work anymore like it used to. I used to be able to reduce the pain with distraction now it just comes back and gets stronger. I cant even do my favorite activites for 5 minutes without stopping in frustration.

(5) I ******* hate noting. IM tired of this. Nothing works. I just feel like I cant do aythign in my life."

hmm... Let me just start by replying point by point to your post, and then I'll give you some suggestions.

(1) 2009 was a complete nightmare for me. There was a time during a 10-day vipassana retreat, that it got so bad that I fantasized about my own lifeless body laying in a ditch somewhere, and asked god (in which I didn't really believe) to kill me --- I thought the words "kill me" in my mind, in the fashion of the popular "alien" movie.

And this was just an episode in a long string of day after day after day of miserable anguish and relentless suffering, which lasted for a summed total of about 8 months. The remaining four months of that year, about 1 and a half was A&P (euphoria), and 2 and a half were just feeling "somewhat-bad."

It gets better. In fact it can get pretty damn good

(2) You don't have to stop the noise in your head, as in something you "do." Bearing down some tremendous force to block the noise is a REALLY REALLY BAD IDEA. If you're doing that, don't.

(3) Indeed that is the annoying point about surrender, you can not really do something to surrender, it is not something you "do," it's more like learning not to tense up.

(contd.)

I found that out the hard way, maybe you won't have to. Basically I also felt that the "quick way out" was to make "continual contact with the pain," bringing my awareness to bear on it at full force. There are some tricks and some things you can do using a kind of continuous attention, but it is never with force. If you push, what you are likely doing is creating a second point from which to push "from," sticking a lever in between the two points inside your mind, and pressing on that lever really hard; this is what I mean by "drilling a hole." Don't do that. Furthermore, what is causing you to do that is essentially the same phenomena that is giving you trouble --- it is called "aversion", or "hate," one in the triple of craving/aversion/ignorance or greed/hate/dullness; basically you want the pain to go away, so you make it seem like it's "over there" and then "push". In the end of the path (if you take it that far) you won't have aversion at all, so why not start now?

---

During Dark Night, one thing should be very very present in your mind at all times:
----> you are undergoing severe mental pain. When under such pain your perception is very distorted; things will seem bad or horrible, life will seem like it sucks, you will feel trapped and in a dead end. Always remember this: you are not seeing clearly. Beware of judgements you make of others, yourself, your life, etc; they will be biased by your pain. I could tell you quite a few stories of stuff I have done wrong because of this distortion (hurting close friends, engaging in paranoia, thinking other people are idiots; all just in one year's time). Nowadays, I am practically immune to it --- I don't blame others or the world for the mental pain that happens inside me. Those were great lessons right there.

(contd. massive post heh

Eddy, so far things have happened as announced: you've had your A&P, now you're getting your dark night. And yes, it really sucks [1]. Good news is, that's not the end of the path: Dark Night goes away, and things get better. If everything so far checks up, why would this be any different? So rationally you should conclude that the meditative path likely works. And that you will get out of this mess.

And that your "feeling like you can't do anything with your life" (and boy I had that one a lot) is just a feeling, arising in a perception distorted by pain, and that it has no actual bearing to what you actually can or can not do with your life.

Eddy I've been right were you are. It will be over and the light on the other side shines brighter than it did before you got yourself into this dark night mess (metaphorically but also literally, your visual perception will change).

Now; things you can actually do:
- If you are feeling pain in the chakras or wherever, then don't force it, but meditate differently instead; rather than bearing down on pain, try to just relax; keep your attention present, but completely loose; don't get angry when it goes away. You can try the following instructions:
'Don't recall. Don't imagine. Don't think. Don't examine. Don't control. Don't fall asleep. Don't fight. Don't try. Don't (etc). Just rest. '
- When your pain improves, return to noting practice; this time note elegantly and lightly and precisely and persistently, like a fairy jumping over water lilies.
- Walk in nature. Go out in sunny days walk in a pretty park. You might be surprised at how that can be nice, even in the dark night. For me this the only thing which was always nice --- although during the dark night I was frequently too lazy to go, and would rather idle miserably alone!

(contd.)

- Learn something you can do with your hands - I got a saxophone repair kit, it was a really nice and soothing activity.
- Read about meditation (have you read Mastering the Core Teachings of the Buddha by Daniel Ingram? The attention revolution by B. Allan Wallace?)
- Give yourself a break: this is the hardest thing you will ever go through, even if you decide to be an astronaut and get to fly to jupiter, that will be peanuts compared to being a psychonaut and navigating to the source of suffering itself.
- Taking precautions not to let it get out of control (too much), indulge in no-brainer activities at will. During 2009 I watched every episode of Family Guy, American Dad, The office, Colbert Report, The Daily Show, etc. Real pain killers right there.
- Be with your friends if and when you can handle it. Sometimes you will find it really difficult, but sometimes this is really good.

If you want to b1tch and complain, or meditate together, or whatever, my skype name is bruno.loff , feel free to call.

Take care,
bruno

[1] Really really really really --- how can I emphasize that enough for you? DARK NIGHT REALLY SUCKS, and sucked as bad for me and for a lot of people as it does for you. Check out this guy: , he hallucinated being eaten by wild animals... can't suck much more than that can it?

Hey Eddy,
Sounds like some serious dark night stuff going on for you. If I can offer my experience I've found that there are a couple of ways through this.

1. Relax your practice. Take a break and reconnect with things that are a source of comfort. I know most gung-ho yogis don't want to hear this, but intense vipassana can be destabilizing as you move your sense of identity from one layer of mind to the next - we don't always have the ability to deal with it skillfully. If it is getting to be too much, it's often helpful to take a breather. Remind yourself that this is a temporary phase in practice that will (like everything else) change. Disconnect from the drama of it for a while and enjoy your life.

2. Push through it. Do as much noting as you can, accepting that a certain amount of instability is inevitable. Once you get SE there is a natural relaxation and joy that comes, so if you can hold on for a while, it will get better by the very nature of the (noting) practice.

I'll leave it up to you to decide which is right, but please do take care of yourself. Ideally, we do this practice because we love ourselves and want to be free. It is hard at times, but it will get better.

Take care and much love,
-o

Thanks a lot Bruno and Owen. Ill take those tips into consideration. I usually feel guilt in purely idle pleasures... But lately Ive been finding myself droning away hours playing video games just to numb the pain. I find that I can meditate a bit easier afterwards. Im just afraid of regression because of it. Strangely enough I get kind of imprinted by the video game's images and they mix into my meditation. I'll be meditating and they will mix into the visual hallucinations.

Happy to help. Remember that one of the classic 7 factors of enlightenment is actually relaxation. I was a hard core Rinzai practitioner and I spent a ton of time not making progress because I was way too rigid. But it was when I started being kind to myself and taking it easy that my efforts took off.

Check it out:
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seven_factors_of_enlightenment

I'm back from my thanksgiving trip. Some interesting things happened regarding my practice. For a couple of days I was having a lot of mental pain and anxiety. At some points I almost broke down. I persisted my noting practice a bit and focused on the painful regions of my body. I was having a lot of random pulsations and strange sensations throughout the day. Then I began to feel less pain the next day (around sunday night). Since monday I've had less and less pain. There were two moments while meditating that I believed I got stream entry because of this weird feeling of everything changing. A lot of rapture moments. Those two moments were strange because everything seemed to pulse really violently once and my energy changed. I dont think it was stream entry because everything just came back as it was before and I had no different perceptions or realizations. Im still pretty disatisfied and in pain but I have been a lot better at dealing with it since yesterday. It is still there but does not bother me as much since this morning actually.Ive been picking up my noting frequency and am noting more subtle sensations