Eddy's practice journal

Hi Eddy,

Whether or not whatever you experienced was 1st path, you sound like you are progressing. Hold off on calling anything stream entry. Just describe in your own words without speculating, what you experienced. The bare nitty gritty details. Keep doing what you are doing because as we spoke before, it sounds like you are doing ok. Keeping honing your noting skills!



Mudita,

Nick

What Nick said... Keep up the good work

Today I did a bit of practice during school after i waited for the class to finish a test we just took. i got into equanimity i think because i felt a lot better. i still felt a slight bit of pain and impatience with everything but felt really relieved. then i slipped back into dark night two hours later, felt like crap, fell asleep, had terrible dreams within dreams. Now I just feel like dying. I keep noting but I have this tension that wont go away.

Eddy, see if you can notice that even during the most painful moments there is some part of the mind that seems to stand aside and watch as a dispassionate observer. If you can identify for now as that observer as opposed to that which is being observed, you may be able to get some relief from the pain.

Then notice that the painful experience is not just one thing. It is a composite of body sensations, mental impressions, and thoughts. Try to keep these separate; feel the body just as the body. Then just look at the thoughts and notice that they don't actually hurt; it's the body that hurts. Now look at the interaction between thoughts and the body. See how they move in lockstep even though they are distinct phenomena. The thoughts drive the body sensations and vice versa.

Now go back to the observer and notice that it (the observer) is not in pain. It is just observing without any stake in the outcome. You don't have to draw any conclusions at this point. Just experiment with these various ways of observing your own experience without assuming anything. Let us know if this brings you any relief.

Above all, try to take the long view; your experience, no matter how unpleasant, will not last forever. In fact, it won't last very long at all. It is changing all the time even now and the more clearly you can see these changes as they occur, the closer you are to enlightenment and abiding freedom from suffering. Try not to be discouraged; this gets better.

Kenneth

Thank you Kenneth. Sometimes while im in the observer I feel like im creating a separate self which increases the pain but I will keep trying I guess. Today I was in equanimity for quite a few hours after a bunch of small 10-15 min practice sessions during school (we dont do much,really). I was there a lot longer than yesterday. As a matter of fact this week is the first time I even reach equanimity. I had a lot of body pressure that I really didnt mind as much. I experienced the panoramic sense of things. For some reason things within my visual field felt kinda open though they were the same as before, kinda like when you look into a wide empty room. I had a lot of anticipation which I noted.. I thought I would pop any second. When I got home I got really sleepy and went to bed for 20 minutes or so... Had more intense dreams than my last post about dreams. Really weird stuff with a lot pulsations and extreme pain. Really crazy stuff. I woke up really sad and depressed. I guess I slipped back into dark night. I have a lot of self hate and I feel like its keeping me from reaching SE. Theres a part of me that tells me I will never do it and I cant. Its like a sticky little string that wont let go. I almost feel like im bullying myself in a sense.

Been practicing in 30 minute sessions lately. I have two a day. Makes things a lot easier for me. However, I do not restrict my practice to only meditation. I note throughout the day, especially when I suffer or am impatient, those are the moments that I feel a strong urge towards it. I've been noting a desire to disembed. Its like I just cant be. I want to JUST BE but i somehow end up averting the moment. Im guessing this is fundamental aversion. it feels very sticky. When I note it moves around. Ive been noting the sense of self a lot. A lot of energetic sensations in chest and third eye have arisen. Ive noticed theyre also getting higher and deeper in my head. My practice isnt as strict as before in the sense that its not pure noting. For example ill note for a bit, Then focus on a spot with strobing or intense sensations. Then note again. Ill get swallowed in these trances that Im deeply absorbed in. I get very very peaceful in them. Ive read about more concentration in these stages to get subtle things noted, problem is the more concentrated I get the harder it is to note. I just get absorbed in the sensations and observe them. I feel dismebedded from them but yet again I am enjoying the peacefulness so I dont know if I should keep doing that or not. If i begin noting it disturbs that state and I revert to my normal noting which is only slightly more concentrated than my throughout the day noting. I feel progress one moment, then stagnation, then discourage, thoughts telling me to give up, its pointless, then keep going, flashes of encouragement. I note all of it. I get caught up in very sexual reveries sometimes which sidetrack me while noting... Very Very intense. Takes me a while to realize it and then note it and get back to normal. I feel a lot more able to breathe today than usual after meditation. The whole day I just had a nauseating **** feeling that I felt closer to than ever.

Havent posted in a while due to well, my own laziness. However I have been practicing. I felt like the noting practice wasnt taking me anywhere so I spoke to Nik about it. He recommended I try body sweeping. I really like this technique a lot better than pure noting. While I noted the pain in my throat or above my jaw would get worse (since I felt like there was a "me" saying it or noting it in that location. It was difficult and I just tensed up more while noting. I still mix in some noting for some things such as mind states,wandering, space. Ive been having physical pains in places I didnt before with the body sweeping. I believe I have hit low equanimity a few times this week though I tend to slip back into dark night. Very very intense activitiy in my head around third eye and crown area. Also lower head/upper neck area. I find that I am noticing more and more subtle activity. One thing I tried was expanding my periphery of sensations. For some reason things feel slightly wider but I hit an uncomfortable point. I keep wondering where does perception end and where does it begin. Another thing i noticed is when I get little insights I tend to feel giggly or laugh a bit. Another time I got a strange insight relating to impermanence and suffering which gave me a little dip feeling. I dont think it was a cessation because I still feel dark night pain but it was interesting. I think it couldve been a near miss moment or something like that.

Steady as she goes my friend. Keep doing the practice, try not to to get to theoretical with exactly where you are, just keep plugging away... You got this...

So ive been meditating for an hour a day the past couple of days and Im trying to ramp up the mindfulness throughout the day. Im finding a stronger and stronger sense of aversion to everything (including writing this journal). I never feel right in place able to do anything for long periods of time. Just very general dissatisfaction with everything, even the best sensations. During my sits Ive been getting a lot of moments where I feel like I must get up, sometimes giving into it and sometimes continuing. The sits are very very painful. I have been getting better at noting. Ive been able to note subtle things image thoughts, mind states, very subtle thoughts and stuff. Also Ive been noticing a lot of my mind trying to push away sensations and just get through them. No matter how hard I try to just note, it seems like as I note I try to get rid of sensations, which causes me further pain, which i note. and its just this cycle over and over

Are you including some metta practice, Eddy?

Your continued noting practice appears to be getting better. It will only improve more if you continue. Focus your next few sits on metta practice and tell us how it goes for you. It may help with the pain.



Nick

Well I've been neglecting my journal posts for over a month now. I greatly apologize. I have been doing more daily life noting and being more mindful throughout the day. I haven't been sitting much due to aversion and distractions (senior year in high school doesnt help much). Ive been noticing a lot more pains lately in the chest and back area and a lot of anger. My greatest accomplishment so lately has been noticing subtle sensations such as recognizing things and more mental reactions to things rather than just the objects themselves. The suffering and impermanence aspects are very pronounced. I havent been noticing much no self things but I have had some moments where i begin to wonder where "I" am.

I have finally been getting back into my noting and sitting routine. Trying to get at least an hour in a day. So far this weekend my sits have been very similar. Most i set my mind to doing one hour but i end up getting up prematurely at around 40 minutes due to this huge nag to get up I have as soon as I start... I do sit again later in the day complete the hours (or more). I've noted a lot of pressure in sinus area on the forehead. Irritation, aversion, panicking. Thinking about escaping. Wanting to run away. Pushing myself. Aversion to noting ( this one is due to the fact that as I note I tense up and feel pain and the more I note the more this increases at times. The tension is mostly in my upper throat lower sinus area). I've had some dissolutions and pulling feelings that can be really overwhelming. There was one in my chest last night that I felt pulling me in then I panicked and it stopped. The most eventful thing to happen was out of practice. Lately I have been more mindful and aware of the body throughout the day, therefore where before I would mostly focus on emotions and mental phenomena and upper body sensations now I am focusing on the whole body. This is creating a lot of movement and I have (at least I speculate) dissolved blockages in my body. Yesterday while socializing and eating lunch with some friends I just got this huge nausea and shivering throughout the body. I felt like I was being pulled in a million directions and feelings rushed through. I was pretty afraid since I felt myself almost passing out (my consciousness would kind of weaken and come back and as I felt these sucking feelings down my chest). I had some difficulty understanding what was being said around me and keeping contact with the people around me as I was very ungrounded.I didn't panic because I knew what I was experience since I had twice a couple of months ago. It eventually cleared up and went away, though I kept twitching for the next 30 minutes..

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> I've noted a lot of pressure in sinus area on the forehead. Irritation, aversion, panicking. Thinking about escaping. Wanting to run away. Pushing myself. Aversion to noting

The sinuses play a crucial role in all of this, it isn't quite clear to me why, or what that role is exactly, but there is an undeniable correlation between my well being and how "unblocked and relaxed" my sinuses feel. This is also true for the intestines and other key areas. In either case, they seem to be used as a connection from the brain downwards into the throat, then chest, solar plexus and guts.

If this connection is opening up, or if it is out of balance somehow (overstimulated, overstressed, or whatever, if it feels uncomfortable), then a typical symptom is this cyclic darkening and brightening of consciousness (the vision actually gets less bright, and then bright again) which you mention.

> ( this one is due to the fact that as I note I tense up and feel pain and the more I note the more this increases at times. The tension is mostly in my upper throat lower sinus area).


Try not to tense up. I think I know exactly, experientially what you are describing, and I know it is hard not to tense up (although this doesn't happen to everyone it seems). But I have repeatedly found that progress comes from being able to stay with the vipassana while relaxing the tension that tends to form and build up. I find that this tension is a form of aversion, I want to "push" the pain away, and it is this (sometimes inevitable) pushing which causes me to tense. I found it to be an obsessive form of trying to feel in control.

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I still didn't quite figure out how to get rid of this tension, but I have collected a few small tricks.

1. If the tensing gets too bad and I'm just in pain, and making it worst by tensing up, then I switch from vipassana to a more physical practice. I usually do joint rotations and a few squats, but sometimes I do my poor-man's version of chi kung. After 20m of this, I just lay back and just relax.

2. Usually the big tension builds up when I insist on focusing on the most hardcore blockages. So if the levels of tension are reasonable, but there is a pull towards tensing up by doing this, then I can often keep it in check by focusing on less problematic areas, and mentally relaxing. This can mean focusing on the belly and intestines, or on the body as a whole, both are very nice to do. I only go for the more problematic areas when it seems that I can work on them without forcing anything.

3. Doing relaxing things, such as walking in nature, or playing in the pool, is great. I recently discovered that sauna time has an incredible effect in this tension, you could try that. If you are relaxed in general, day-to-day living, you will also be in relaxed during meditation.

I welcome any tips you have on this matter.

>I've had some dissolutions and pulling feelings that can be really overwhelming. There was one in my chest last night that I felt pulling me in then I panicked and it stopped. The most eventful thing to happen was out of practice. Lately I have been more mindful and aware of the body throughout the day, therefore where before I would mostly focus on emotions and mental phenomena and upper body sensations now I am focusing on the whole body.

Great Whenever whatever you think is "you" gets pulled in, or blinks out, or whatever, if you let it happen, you might have a chance to find out it wasn't "you" after all.

In recent months I found that focusing on the whole body is excellent practice.

>This is creating a lot of movement and I have (at least I speculate) dissolved blockages in my body. Yesterday while socializing and eating lunch with some friends I just got this huge nausea and shivering throughout the body. I felt like I was being pulled in a million directions and feelings rushed through. I was pretty afraid since I felt myself almost passing out (my consciousness would kind of weaken and come back and as I felt these sucking feelings down my chest).

Over the last year or so, I've had blink outs, fade outs, orgasmic ecstasy, rushes of blood to the head, heart racing, extreme body heat/cold, pressure/pain in the chest, low blood pressure, feeling invisible, feeling dumb, explosions of light in the brain, etc, etc, etc '¦ Whenever some weird meditation phenomenon would happen, I would usually react with fear, or apprehension of some sort. After having so many of these happen, without me ever dying or having any permanent consequence, I kind of stopped giving them any credibility, and nowadays I don't get scared or disturbed by them at all. Maybe you can profit from knowing that this will eventually happen to you, and make it happen sooner.

Have fun,
Bruno

Thanks a lot for the feedback Bruno! Greatly appreciated. I'll make sure to apply your tips, and I am really glad that my experiences with meditation phenomena are experienced by others who can give me guidance.

Today was a very interesting day with practice. I did two sessions of thirty minutes early in the day and noontime. These were very painful and frustrating. I just had another 40 minute session late in the afternoon. This was after reading on the hamiltonproject.blogspot.com (Nik's site) different entries on noting. I have read before about detailed noting but never took it seriously since I always had a difficult time just doing couplet pairs. So I decided to give it a try. A lot of frustration at first... but wow! I have never been able to note thoughts and mental phenomena like this before. I feel like I have been missing out all this time. There were moments were I would forget to do pairs altogether or where it was difficult to find a thought or mental state. With the pleasant and neutral sometimes things went so fast that I didnt want to stay noting the tones and just wanted to move onto the next sensation to note. I think I may have reached equanimity for a couple of seconds.... All my tension dissolved and I became had a very panoramic awareness. Full body awareness and very cool pleasant vibes with a lot of serenity in the mind. Then I somehow got pulled back into the tension. There were a few brief periods afterwards where I experienced the same thing. I found this very delighting since I have not experienced this before.

On the weekdays I barely practiced. This was due to a combination of a lot of aversion and little time. I have been practicing being in the body and mindfulness as much I can. I notice my pains (especially my throat)can get worse or more pronounced when I do this and my aversion levels shoot up. However I continue to do this in hopes of gaining momentum when I cannot practice or am not up for it. The weekend has been a little different since I have time to practice. I usually lay down for meditation sessions and realized that I was getting drowsy to easily and I have heard that posture can effect the energetic movement. So I decided to sit... It was extremely painful and unpleasant the whole sit, mostly in my abdomen. I was barely able to do 30 minutes. Maybe it'll get better with time? Today I woke up and went running for a good 25 minutes. The whole time I noted everything and noticed I was able to keep decent focus. I did get sidetracked in thought but I was able get back after a few seconds. One thing I have been having difficulty with is noting certain things (especially mental, like though) without interfering with them and tensing up. For example a fantasy or reverie of thought will come up then i catch myself, then i note, and then it stop right away and I feel a pulling tension inside of me. Its the same tension I get from my throat as I note (and sometimes throughout the day out of practice). As for things I have began to notice is the layers of mental phenomena like reactions to sensations. For example where as I would notice aversion. I now notice aversion with a tinge of fear and/or hatred towards the sensation. I notice how those interplay with each other and the physical sensations they invoke... Sort of like a chain sensation->reaction aversion-> reaction sensation.

"As for things I have began to notice is the layers of mental phenomena like reactions to sensations. For example where as I would notice aversion. I now notice aversion with a tinge of fear and/or hatred towards the sensation. I notice how those interplay with each other and the physical sensations they invoke... Sort of like a chain sensation->reaction aversion-> reaction sensation."

I was amazed to conclude that my brain has been doing this incessant struggle, almost every waking minute, for most if not all of my life. And although I can remember back and realize this was the case, I never noticed it before I started doing meditation.

So I have been doing more of the sitting. Trying to maintain a straight back and good posture throughout the day (which im not used to doing). I will say this has to be one of the most painful things ever. In my sit today I quit after going 29 minutes with 1 minute left because of the pain! It moves a long my back, sometimes it bubbles around. I just want to jump out of my chair sometimes. Earlier in the day in school I was focusing on my irritation from chest to throat area and I began to get very very sad and teary eyed as I focused. All day in school I maintained very high mindfulness. This is probably because I just started taking some ADD medication my psychiatrist prescribed me. I was able to concentrate a lot more... A lot of my body pains and irritations were more pronounced and a feeling of inescapability overcame(usually I just dissociate somehow with a distraction). Great sadness and nausea overcame me. By noon I was feeling some despair and depression and some dizzy moments. In spite of all this there were some moments with a strange serenity underlying all of it. In my last sit (the 30 minute one) I experienced great tension and pain everywhere. I had a lot of spasms and twitches. I am trying to note feeling tones and mind states but I feel very unmotivated towards that and every time I attempt to i drop it because it becomes too difficult to sustain. It is also difficult for me to slow down since I get confused on how to note feeling tones for something that already passed (by the time im at mind state it was a second or two ago and it may have disappeared). One thing that has been peeving me yet creating a lot of curiosity is subtle interpretations/evaluations/ and thoughts. I notice them when they happen, mostly after they do, and I just can't seem to note them! When I try to note a thought it instantly stops and I feel tension as if I am trying to change something. I wish I could just note without my mind interfering with the object.

Today I gave the candle kasina a shot. I did a 30 minute session. I began by staring at the candle and contemplating the colors. At round 5 minutes I began to note. I noted a lot of aversion. The whole time all I wanted to do is get up and stop meditating. I would be constantly thinking about it and desiring it. I would note all of this. It was very very painful as every second that passed by I just hated and wanted to disappear or do something else. I would also think a lot about what I was going to post here on my practice notes ( i noted the planning thought and the occasional mental image of me doing it). I would close my eyes and there was that steady pulsing that was always there. I kind of tried to follow it and kind tapped it with a dit dit dit every bright pulse. Sometimes it would subside a little or i would get lost in it. The whole sit (and like most of my sits, and throughout the day) I had this nasty feeling in my throat and sharp tension in my chest. It is there right now as I type this. I noted all of these phenomena of course. Noted a lot of doubt, thinking about practice, thinking about where this is taking me, why isnt working, frustration, anger, annoyance. My phone received a couple of texts which caused me startling, annoyance, thinking about it, and anger about forgetting to set it on airplane mode. I noted some involuntary swaying, slightly pleasant moments and sensations. A huge centrifugal force pushing one way, then the other. Something that really got to me was my mind singing little songs in my head. I noted the singing itself, trying to stop it, difficulty in trying to stop it, tension and frustration as a result, loss of concentration, the enjoyment of the song itself, the mental sound, trying to shift attention from it, dissociating and trying to ignore it when it wouldnt go away.
(continued)

(continued from above)

I have noticed that my mind is always trying to get away from something that just exists, no matter how hard i try I cannot get rid of this suffering, but somehow my mind keeps attempting to escape from it. This caused me a lot of annoyance and thinking.

Eddy, make sure you're not trying to achieve perfection in your sits. Everything you are describing is fairly normal. There can be subtle interpretations/thoughts that change when you "look at" or note them. There will be songs that are enjoyable, annoying, or somewhere in between. There will almost always be a drifting away from what just exists. Sadness and pain arise, and believe it or not pleasure and bliss will also arise. Sometimes there will be so much pleasure it is annoying!

It took me a looong time to realize that none of these states -- even the so-call positive states of mindfullness or attention or "being present" -- is what you are shooting for. I'll say it again: none of the states are what you are shooting for. Whatever _seems_ like a perfect meditation is not what you are shooting for.

The goal is allowing whatever comes up during your dedicate sitting time... to come up. Whatever comes up.

It helped me to say to myself: For the next 30 minutes I allow myself to watch the sensations of my breath (or watch the image of a candle flame). For the next 30 minutes I allow myself to do that, there is nothing else I need to do. I will watch the sensations and if at some point I realize I'm not watching the sensations, I give myself to relax and start again. I give myself permission not to feel guilty about starting again. I'll be like a mother chicken that notices that an egg is sticking out in the cold, and I'll gently nuzzle it back under me and keep it warm. I give myself permission to start over an infinite number of times. I know that what happens during the sit is supposed to happen and that is just part of noting practice.

cont.

In fact Eddy, you can turn it into a more positive mental game, combining noting with metta for oneself.

You can say to yourself: Every time I start over, I'll feel good about myself. Every time I can feel the sensation of my breath I'll feel good about myself. Everytime I notice that I feel negative, I'll note it and feel good about noting it. For this sit, I allow myself to do the practice and feel good about doing it. May I be happy regardless of conditions.

If you feel like you have spiralled into a bad space, stop the noting and repeat the Metta: Every time I start over, I'll feel good about myself. Every time I can feel the sensation of my breath I'll feel good about myself. Everytime I notice that I feel negative, I'll note it and feel good about noting it. For this sit, I allow myself to do the practice and feel good about doing it. May I be happy regardless of conditions.

Remember perfection isn't the goal. Doing the practice with a light touch is the both the path and the goal!

Hope this helps -- feel free to change it or disregard, you'll know what makes sense for you.

And one last set of tricks I just remembered!

Before starting, wash your hands and your face. Feel clean.

Feel free to use good smells, like a small amount of incense or use the soap that smells good to wash your face or put on a clean t-shirt that still smells like the laundry.

Feel free to know that there are probably millions of people like you meditating right now, also doing this practice that is easy and hard at the same time, all of us sitting together.

Feel free to clap your hands to start: clap, clap! Feel free to clap your hands when you stop: clap, clap! Or if you have a twenty foot gong, feel free to hit that instead -- or imagine it!

You can do nice things and have fun, you know? It's legal.