Eddy's practice journal

I have been getting a lot of heat around my diaphragm in little released. followed by the normal tension bouts. not much sitting due to school and socializing. A lot of stuff is starting to be seen in a more mechanistic way such as self incriminating thoughts..

I sat 30 minutes today+ walking meditation for 40 min. I noticed that when I allow myself to tense up the muscles in the chest and the diaphragm (sometimes in spasms) it helps with the tension afterwards. I feel as if the tension that is there throughout the day is that part of the body wanting to move in a certain way but being repressed, if that makes sense. I'm noticing things getting a lot clearer lately when it comes to the senses, its very pleasant but still not satisfactory.

" I'm noticing things getting a lot clearer lately when it comes to the senses, its very pleasant but still not satisfactory."

Oh that's wonderful news.

You can try this when outside and have nothing distracting you: look intently at things, with the remembrance of seeing with as much sensory clarity as you remember you were ever able.

Find glimpses of perfection in the shapes, the light & shade, the textures, and the sense of visual depth. Well-lighted sunny days are particularly appropriate.

Hey bruno I actually tried that today while walking through the park. The only that kept me from staying with that was the pain I always have in the center, its becoming really intense.

Read this thread:

dharmaoverground.org/web/guest/discussio...ards/message/2405128

It answers: "Exactly how much attention should I pay to a difficult area/blockage?" a question both you and me have had for a long time. It also answers "Why?"

Great! Thanks Bruno! Ive been looking for something like this forever.

Today I noted throughout a one hour subway ride. I noticed something really interesting such as the clinging of the mind to trying to not to miss my stop. It manifested as subtle tension, like anticipation. I noted a lot of more thoughts and emotions than usual as well as my reactions.

Yesterday I did 50 minutes of sitting that turned out to be very interesting. After that I was able to see certain things about how my mind tortured itself. I feel like theres a fear of release especially around my diaphragm area and the fear sometimes turns into very energetic mini panic attacks. Lately I have also been questioning very deeply the beliefs that my mind holds on to which are not conducive to living a better life.

I got very sick for two weeks and have been busy with final exams just right after I got better so I haven't been able to update my journal lately. But I must begin again. Lately every time I meditate I easily fall asleep since I am used to laying down. I fear that I must switch to sitting meditation, which drives me insane with pain. Lately the suffocating feeling deep in my solar plexus has been dominating most of experience, as well as my breathing patterns which seem erratic. I notice that when I breathe it never feels like I am getting enough oxygen and it worsens depending on my mind state. I don't really know exactly how to breathe as a lot of the breathing techniques I have read about feel unnatural. I am pretty sure it is all psychological or related to the ñanas themselves as rocketbuddha observed in this post kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/thread/48...ts+through+the+Nanas
My equanimity has definitely become stronger in the past couple of months though my resolve to do formal sitting practice has not been adequate. Another observation I have made is that I progress on the path I am more able to be honest with myself about a lot of things. Almost as if I am integrating different parts of the "self" that were fragmented or blocked off before.

Good to see you post again, Eddy.

" I fear that I must switch to sitting meditation, which drives me insane with pain."

I cannot sit in the traditional posture. I try a cushion every few months, but my upper back always knots up on me. Sitting in a chair, however, with a good lower back support works pretty well. It also seems to change how I experience my body. When I meditate on a bed, I seem to get a lot more physical sensations, but when I sit upright, not so much. Breathing also seems freer for me when I can sit with good posture so my chest and abdomen open up.


"My equanimity has definitely become stronger in the past couple of months though my resolve to do formal sitting practice has not been adequate"

Apparently it's been adequate enough if you're seeing more equanimity. Open acceptance can provide a powerful feedback loop leading to more equanimity, leading to more acceptance.

Thanks for the input Andy. I agree that open acceptance is key to equanimity. Though my formal practice hasn't been rigorous I do practice a lot throughout the day by trying to remember to be mindful, questioning beliefs and assumptions, being fearless towards sensations, and just plain accepting of whatever comes up.

Last couple of meditation sessions in recent days have all dealt with this suffocating existential fear. I feel parts of my body dropping. Kind of like the feeling you get when you drop in a roller coaster. There is this deep feeling in my solar plexus that has recently appeared to me to be correlated with self incrimination and low self esteem. I never thought of my self esteem as a physical disturbance until now, I feel like I am aware of my experience at a more subtle level than before. Focusing on anything has become really difficult and nothing is entertaining or stimulating. I want to read but I get angsty in 10 minutes or less. I try to do anything and this happens. Its this very intense restlessness that makes everything feel pointless.

Oh boy, I'm very familiar with that kind of fear. It's not real, of course, but feels like it. Think about the ground of your being (awareness) and the flow of experience and how, NO MATTER WHAT, it all just keeps going, on and on and on. Can anything else, whether good or bad in this relative realm, really touch that? No, it cannot. So "you" will survive it all. You will live and continue your practice. In fact, consider that this time of year and the tensions that go along with it are exactly WHY you practice!

I've been having the same thing happen, not consistently, and not just in meditation, but during the day I'll experience intense anxiety, fear of death, or fear of making some fatal blunder and being brutally punished for it. I was not abused as a child, but it almost seems as if I'm expecting horrendous verbal abuse. I have nightmares and wake up with this suffocating feeling, compounded by dread and panic. Meditation sessions have been heavy on the flaming itches, shaking, and grimacing in the face. But then out of the blue I'll suddenly feel calm, and have a sense that all is well. I look around me and feel deep joy and gratitude. And I'm looking on the sh*tstorm as a kind of phenomenon that doesn't have anything to do with "me." I'm thinking, okay, this is just part of the path.

Hang in there! I wish this point in the path didn't have to last so long, but I guess part of how long it lasts is up to us, how we practice and how much we practice.

I have had very similar anxiety states, and the only way i dealt with them was to put them through the filters of the 3 c's
Ask - are these states impermanent, empty of self and do they cause suffering if attatched to ? They will lose there power one day!

Glad to see I am not alone on this one. This is all great advice. Its interesting how powerful the mind is in convincing you that something terrible will happen.

The strongest dread I ever experienced happened when I first suspected that my perception was becoming so perfect that there would one day be no more room for "me."

This resulted in about two weeks of daily panic attacks.

I've had my share of "shrieking terrors" and various pains and discomforts, too. What I always found helpful was to do devotional prayer during the hardest times (my practice leaning heavily on Christian mysticism and Western Magick). A friend of mine who has a devotional yoga practice said similarly - in the hardest times she could always know that her inner guru was there for her and find a place of love to rest in amidst the tumult. For someone doing more purely Buddhist practice metta practice can offer some of the same benefits - getting out of your own head, reaching out in love to something larger than yourself (all sentient beings), and generating lovingkindness to poultice your pain. Even hard-driving athletes get massages, eat carefully, and rub liniment on their muscles. The journey is arduous, but we don't need to be masochists.

That is very true. On tuesday I went back home to Miami for christmas break... has been terribly difficult to practice with all the emotional stuff coming up here, too many traumas and crap in my past. I might even have to cut the trip short.

Woke up Christmas morning with some an interesting dream that I can't help but relate to my practice. In the dream I had this terrible unending thirst that would not go away no matter how much water I drank. It was like this desire that could not be put out. I woke up thinking if this had anything to do with the sensations of incessant need and fear that I feel throughout the day. There is something I want to try but don't know if it is harmful, which is breathing into unpleasant sensations and the numbness in certain areas of dread. For example: breathing into my diaphragm which always feels tight and stagnant.

Today I did two 45 min sessions so far and I am planning on doing some more later today. Inmense body pain rose up, I noted: desperation, anger, helplessness, one dissolution of a poignant depressing feeling, hopefulness, wistfulness, fantasizing.... Sometimes the noting noise in my voice becomes to intense and I get attached to it so I just ground myself and feel sensations out without noting and switch back and forth between the two. As I try to be mindful through other activities other things tense up and beceom difficult to do a diaphragmic breath.

Haven't been practicing much past few days. Very difficult to settle down. Restlessness is dominant. When I am concentrated its when Im having serious strong kriyas. Other than that my sits are consist of me being in wonderland. I have a strong aversion to sit accompanying this.

Okay so theres something that Ive been wanting to post but have tried to keep myself from doing so... I always have this terrible feeling I cannot describe in the chest/ solar plexus area. I know I have mentioned it before but not to its full extent. This thing is terrible! Its been there for years, it makes me restless, I can't sit still, read, do activities I enjoy because of this. It consumes me. Noting hasn't done anything for me at all, sometimes it just makes it worse. Im really saying this with brute honesty. I try to be patient, I try to make progress, but I can't even concentrate due to this crap. I've done reiki, seen medical doctors so that rules out any of the physical causes. I find that it is directly correlated to my depression and emotional issues. The worse I feel the worse that sensation gets and vice versa. I can barely meditate because of this and no matter how long I try to sit with it nothing works. When i breathe the air seems to stop there, its like this numb tension. i try to focus on it, i try to focus elsewhere, i ignore it. I don't even know what to do. I am desperate, I know I sound it, it is because I am.

"I can barely meditate because of this and no matter how long I try to sit with it nothing works."

I've said this before but it bears repeating -- mediation cannot cure everything. If what you have going is beyond meditation then doctor visits are necessary.

Eddy, please see your doctors and counselors as soon as you can, okay?

Meantime, I'm going to lock this thread. Eddy needs to see his doctors and doesn't need us suggesting anything further mediation-wise until this more serious issue is addressed.

cmarti
KFDh Admin