Eddy's practice journal

Ha! A few hours later and I'm laughing at my diatribe... Please feel free to ignore it. Best wishes!

I love it, betawave. Great advice. I second everything betawave said. Eddy, it is NOT looking for it's looking at......at whatever is arising.

Try what betawave has explained. It should help.

Nick

Thanks betawave. Those are all great tips. The metta advice seems like it will be indispensable to me since I tend to feel frustration during practice. I also just thought of using gratitude as a form of metta like "I am grateful that I have gotten better at noting" or that I developed the will power to sit, as that is very difficult for me.

Anyways, for today's notes. I haven't done any formal sitting since the first half of the day is school. However, I have been increasingly sustaining more and more mindfulness. Since a lot of my negative sensations and usual attention are usually focused in my upper body (they can get pretty nasty) and focusing on the doesn't help much, I have been trying to be more mindful of my lower body, which I'm rarely even able to focus on. It's like a dead spot for awareness for some reason, like numb. I figured maybe this will help clear some blockages and get energies moving. I once went to an acupuncturist last year and he said I have a serious irritation in my whole upper body (from liver up). Also the legs are an odd spot for me. On my left leg I have a really painful tightness sometimes but since I rarely pay attention to legs its basically nonexistent most of the time yet still there. Lately my general emotional background undertone has changed from irritating and anxious as in last week to melancholy, despair, deep sadness, some fear and dread. Maybe I'm getting into deeper layers of the mind?

"(1) Since a lot of my negative sensations and usual attention are usually focused in my upper body (they can get pretty nasty) and focusing on the doesn't help much, I have been trying to be more mindful of my lower body, which I'm rarely even able to focus on. It's like a dead spot for awareness for some reason, like numb. I figured maybe this will help clear some blockages and get energies moving. I once went to an acupuncturist last year and he said I have a serious irritation in my whole upper body (from liver up).

(2) Also the legs are an odd spot for me. On my left leg I have a really painful tightness sometimes but since I rarely pay attention to legs its basically nonexistent most of the time yet still there. Lately my general emotional background undertone has changed from irritating and anxious as in last week to melancholy, despair, deep sadness, some fear and dread. Maybe I'm getting into deeper layers of the mind?
"

(1) This is great. There is a spot which might be worth focusing on, which is in the front of the body just above the genitals but still bellow the waistline. You won't find any block there, but you can use it as a way to funnel down unpleasant energy, and this often results that blockages will be cleared, in a bottom up fashion (first the navel, then the solar plexus, then the chest, then the neck, and so on).

(2) Maybe you are, but try to enjoy life as much as you can, I mean, if you have to investigate sadness etc, do it thoroughly, but remember that your only medal for doing it is when they go away and you can enjoy life once again.

Thanks Bruno I will try the focusing spot suggestion. Some days I am way too aversive to noting (since its really hell for me) but I am more open and motivated to do some body scanning/ energetic stuff... which somehow has a chain reaction that causes me to be more relaxed /concentrated. For some reason when my energies move a lot the impermanence aspect really shows itself... Pulsing of sensations come up everywhere.

In regards to (2) I have been a bit stressed since I'm making decisions for undergrad school. I have definitely been going out with friends sometimes (even against my own will) in order to distract myself and just have some stupid fun. Being with the girlfriend also really helps (feels like one big metta practice in a way). It takes a lot out of my practice time but helps me. I love weekends because I can both practice and do these things.

"I also just thought of using gratitude as a form of metta like ... that I developed the will power to sit, as that is very difficult for me.

Anyways, for today's notes. I haven't done any formal sitting since the first half of the day is school. However, I have been increasingly sustaining more and more mindfulness.

...

Lately my general emotional background undertone has changed from irritating and anxious as in last week to melancholy, despair, deep sadness, some fear and dread. Maybe I'm getting into deeper layers of the mind?
"

The gold standard for determining whether there is access to deeper layers of mind is really through several sits and consistent practice. Then a real trend becomes clear. It can be a little sloppy to apply the meditation stages to normal life because there is are so many different situations/contexts -- it isn't quite the clean laboratory of sitting.

It's okay to focus on other priorities, including getting ready for undergrad and having fun. Meditation sits on top of a foundation of a good life. The eight fold path has Right understanding, Right intention, Ethical conduct, Right speech, Right action, >>>Right livelihood<<< and then there is mental discipline of meditation: Right effort, Right mindfulness, Right concentration.

You have to address the weakest link in the chain, so to speak, whatever it is. For someone your age, thinking about school and future employment (and having some fun) seems to make sense. The meditation practice is there for you when it's time to start up again. You'll know when. Just start with a resolution to sit just 10 minutes a day... and watch your practice grow.

Did the 30 minutes today and will probably do another later on. The pain of sitting was too painful for me so I ended up having to lay down 5 minutes into the sit. All day I have had a lot of depression and strangely it has been accompanied with a lot of visual phenomena. A lot of frame by frame pulsating of the visual field. My periphery is very intense with these flickering frames. A lot of tv snow. When I close my eyes a lot of pattern, movement, mandala/geometric patterns. Some of the visual stuff (especially the when objects in the visual field move in one direction) makes me get a sucking feeling to one side in my whole body. Sometimes its downwards. Sometimes its upwards as if theres a tunnel above my head. I've noticed that the intensity of this visual activity correlates with the depressive feelings. After my sit they reduced a bit and I become more calm and relaxed with the side effect of losing a lot of my concentration and my mind getting lost in thought (which can be pleasant yet bothersome). As the minutes pass by after the sit though things are slightly more how they were before except less intense and painfully depressing.

I did 40 minutes earlier at noon. A lot of spacing out and impatience. I have noticed a couple of new things such as a stronger sense of space and location, shifting of awareness, odd centrifugal forces, dissociating. I have tried Bruno's advice of focusing on the spot above genital area but I only feel movement around there (only about 10 minutes or less at a time, with many distractions and attention lapses, maybe I should do more?). I have run into a dilemma though. I know in vipassana the point is to just observe what arises and note it. Thing is my mind always moves towards my upper body irritation. It's extremely painful and it is all my mind can focus on, it ignores a lot of other things and is like a magnet towards it. It gets painful to the point that tears come out or extreme anger and hatred. Terrible things come from that. Then I have heard that I should lower my awareness to my lower body and legs. However when I try this I know that "I' am trying to only focus on there (therefore interfering and trying to change things), I am dissociating from the top, and also even if I do try to focus on the bottom after a couple of seconds theres these little lapses or snaps back up into my upper body (like I said the irritation is like a magnet to the mind). So I pull it back down, wait a bit, SNAP back to the top.

I've been experimenting with trying to sustain full awareness and mindfulness in daily actions (as a compromise since I have a hard time getting myself to actually sit). The last 4 hours of yesterday I was able to do this. Today it has been on and off. I keep noticing how the mind has the tendency to wander. Go elsewhere. I keep wondering where it goes and why it wouldn't just be able to stay with the moment. I am getting very sick of my emotions and current situation. I've been having a lot of energetic movement going on and a hell of a lot of depression. Tears well up very often throughout the day way more often that they used to (as this would rarely ever happen). I feel a general despair about how terrible things will be without any actual thoughts to why. I really want to feel better because this is no way to live. This has been giving me motivation for more practicing and mindfulness. I notice that as I practice more and get some dissolutions in the body however that they can be somewhat cathartic or overwhelming with emotion. I feel as if past depressions and angers have been released. However I will say some moments feel good and ticklish inside. These lead to reflex-like reactions of smiling, twitching, or zoning out. Today I had some weird changes within my upper body during school after some pops here and there (noting in a class where we didn't have any work left). This left me very spaced out... almost to the point where I had to remind myself I exist. Reality had a strange silky smooth yet irritating undertone to it. The only time I've felt something similar to this was when I took a recreational dose of DXM (dissociative cough medicine). I have never done it since so no worries about me getting addicted to any of these drugs. I am just using it as a reference point.

"(1) I've been experimenting with trying to sustain full awareness and mindfulness in daily actions (as a compromise since I have a hard time getting myself to actually sit). (...)

(2) Today I had some weird changes within my upper body during school after some pops here and there (noting in a class where we didn't have any work left).

(3) This left me very spaced out... almost to the point where I had to remind myself I exist. Reality had a strange silky smooth yet irritating undertone to it.

(4) The only time I've felt something similar to this was when I took a recreational dose of DXM (dissociative cough medicine)."

(1) This is great practice. Learn to enjoy doing it: it's really nice to pay attention to what's actually happening around you.

(2) It's great you're having shifts and movements and so on, for me these are always a sign of progress.

(3) I'm not sure this will be helpful for you at this point, but my understanding of this is as follows: the sensation of existing arises through a process similar to dreaming/imagination, and it is the cause of any "undertone" you perceive to reality. You are, in a way, imagining you exist, and imagining all these undertones, which is not to say this doesn't cause actual pain, as you well know, nor does it imply you can simply stop doing it. Dissociation and detachment is then caused when this imaginative process becomes very intense (your own "existence" becomes so vivid that sensory input becomes dim by comparison, this is dissociation).

So next time you are dissociating, rather than reminding yourself you exist, you can try to notice how the dissociation has a similar quality to imagination and dreaming, and try to "wake up" by doing fun and engaging sensory-stimulating activities (such as walking in nature, cooking, having a massage or sex, and so on).

Sorry to jump in on your thread, but it seems like some gems from Betawave here!
Thanks!

I've been doing the usual. Same thing. Trying to keep that mindfulness all day, noting as I do things. One thing thats really pronounced to me is how I want to jump on to the next moment. Very strong dissatisfaction with the current moment. I want the next one and the next one and the next one. Every sensation makes me want to jump. I feel like noting doesnt help with this at all and I've noticed that when I note it might make things worse and work me up a bit with anxiety. I want to develop more tranquility and equanimity from now on and will make this more of a focus since this is something I am lacking in. Have any of you had similar experiences?

Ive been Noting consistently throughout the day with fewer and fewer lapses in attention. I get into these depressive/angry/hateful periods that i am staying mindful about. I notice that the more i note throughout these the shorter they become. They are followed by periods of calm/ comfort/dreaminess. The latest one today also came with a lotof pressure or headache in forehead area. I notice that inthe bad periods it drops down to throat andchest. These are accompanied by moments of tensing up in arms legs and abdomen. When i am in the better periods those parts feel dull yet warm and in place. The more mindful i am the quicker thesecycles go.

"I get into these depressive/angry/hateful periods that i am staying mindful about. I notice that the more i note throughout these the shorter they become. They are followed by periods of calm/ comfort/dreaminess. "

Dark night -> Equanimity.

Notice how while in equanimity it is super-OK to just be here with things as they are. This is what equanimity teaches. This OKness with things as they are will soon spread-out to even the unpleasant (depressive/angry/painful) sensations, which for some seemingly mysterious reason are suddenly not so difficult to be with.

And then you might ask yourself: if it is OK to just be here, what is there left to do? The answer is, of course, nothing. This is the territory just before fruition.

Let's hope so Bruno. A couple hours later I dropped back into DN, except I was returning from my spring break trip on a flight, and it doesn't help that I have a lot of anger and resentment towards my family. I started getting claustrophobic and panicked the whole way. Noting didn't do much to help and I was in pain the whole way. We got back and I couldnt even sit at breakfast with them and had to go outside. At this point I was in so much pain that I started losing it. Then somehow I got this pressure in the center of my head(maybe witness?) and focused entirely on it (I got to dissociate from the rest I get). I got very tranced out on it and kind of just droned on until I got home to bed. The pain in the center of my body is getting very overwhelming. I notice that it perfectly corresponds with anger and hate. When I get into these moods I try to do metta. It works when its a very weak pain, but when it gets bad, noting or metta make me more tense and worse. Another thing is when I bring the focus up into my head I get these weird feelings as if high pressure water was running through me under my skin, as well as heavy tingling. I note this and it intensifies or might turn into a gravitational force feeling (like when you are on a roller coaster and its turning). On the flight I also had this great tension on the right side of my ribcage. When I followed it worked itself up, carving like some worm through dirt, to my right upper back. This was very painful but continued for a while, I was hoping for it to dissolve but eventually it just stopped moving and stayed. It only went away when I stopped focusing on it.

Just to clarify: the territory before fruition happens (happens to me) when even unpleasant sensations are dealt with equanimously.

Good luck dissolving that anger.

Something new I tried today: witness noting. This is the one where you say "watch how it feels","watch how it is aversive", etc. It did help with a lot of the central tension that I have in my upper body. I decided to face my aversion and go down below my solar plexus area (its very difficult for me to go down there). So I felt numbness, aversion, tingling. Now I'm starting to feel it and I am shaking intensely. Feeling very very jittery. Almost explosive. Excitement, annoyance, not knowing what to do. Its almost hard to type this right now. I did15 minutes of focusing on my abdomen on a recliner. During that moment I felt strong gravitational forces everywhere. A lot of flickering, to the point where my eyelids flickered with the heavy pulsing. This is the most intense thing I have felt in a while.

I sat for 25 minutes today (so far, I will do more). This sit was very visual for some reason, I havent had that in the past couple of weeks. I noted visual patterns, light, shaking, excitement, pain, aversion, intrigue. I also noted tingling near my crown chakra area. In response to this I noted excitement, curiosity, thinking. I guess since I never get activity there I made up all these narratives and excitement due to the novelty of the changes lately. After the whole incident with the abdomen area I wrote about in the previous post I have been able to feel my stomach slightly more throughout the day though most of the numbness remains. My breath feels a bit fuller but I still feel short of breath all day. Another recent development is that around my usual knot in the throat area I have been feeling very subtle sensations around it. They tend to move more towards the back of the neck which is usually one of the numbest parts of my body.

Ah the tension in the abdomen giving lack of breath... I have had several periods when that tension played a prominent role. When I focus on it, the breath starts struggling with itself, it really feels as though I'm not taking enough air, and the abdomen tenses up trying to pull more air.

I somehow had the impression that I had to sustain this shortness of breath for as long as I could in order to get rid of the blockage. So during these periods (when abdomen was prominent), I would often engage in that practice: focus on the spot until breath struggles with itself, and effortfully maintain a slow breath despite the blockage making me feel that I need more air; until finally I can't take it anymore and I breath a few big gulfs of air, and then repeat the exercise as many times as appropriate.

Eventually stuff moves there, the blockage pops, or at least revolves around itself, and the shortness of breath is much less, and some other area of the body becomes prominent. As a result, my breathing becomes more slow (I breathe more slowly today than I did two years ago).

Interesting idea Bruno. I'll try it out if it gets overwhelming enough. So I just got up from a 30 minutes sit. I must say I am very proud of myself. I usually end my sits prematurely but lately I have been able to sit them through. The sit, like most I've had the last week was very high energy. A lot of shaking, pulsing, rocking. I've been doing this things with my arms that kind of looks like I have parkinson's disease, its a tension in my forearm that makes me shake. I have been having a lot of core shaking, especially near the diaphragm. I have been tensing up a lot in my back, especially my mid back around the diaphragm once again. I suffered a lot this sit but in a weird way I am glad that this is happening because I was able to note so much more and I am becoming aware of areas that used to be completely numb to me before. I am having some good feelings arising from this as well as terrible. I feel more grounded after these bad moments once there is a little release. Right now I feel gratitude. There were moments were my mind felt like it wanted to go somewhere else but something inside me would tense up, thinking it was "me" being sucked away. In those moments the visuals might come up, I actually saw an eye this time rather than the usual geometric patterns. I was a bit torn about approaching them wiht equanimity or enjoying them. I realized that enjoying them would help me create metta towards my practice as long as I am mindful of it and not caught up in the content of the fireworks.

For most of the summer I've been practicing on average about 1 hour a day in 2 30 minute sits though some days I have done 2 hours. My noting practice tends to start off with noting the central pain sensations near my throat, lower skull. Sometimes tightness in the ribcage. I note breathlessness, anxiety, anticipation, coolness, heat, panic, pain, flowing. My attention tends to drift 95% of the time towards that thing in the center of my body. When I stay with it feels deeper and deeper and as if I cant breathe. I feel like theres some great big thing there that I dont want to let go of. Sometimes I try to breathe into it but my body locks up. 5% of the time though i get little euphoric pulses near the front of my face and trachea which I note.

Today I did two 30 minute sessions and one 20 minute session in between (it was timed for 30 minutes but I ended it out desperation). Two were in the morning and one at night. I've been noticing a lot of fear lately, especially coming from the chest, abdominal area. I'll note pain, stuffiness, entrancement gravitational force pulling down, dissatisfaction, obsessing, locking on with my attention (i just use the word "locking"),then fear, panic, relaxing, stuffiness, force, etc. This is usually accompanied by spasms and twitches in the ribcage and diaphragm, sometimes occurring the abdomen as quick spurts of tensing up where my breath goes out quickly and makes a sniffing noise (like sniffing but outwards). I've been having a lot of sexual energy rushes in my lower body while doing my usual practice lately. It'll be a lot of tingling, muscles spasms and tensing up in the lower body. Of course I note this but something about it has got me wanting to ask about it here on the forum. I notice that I'll have a disturbing or inappropiate visual image hit me and I'll react to it with fear. I find that when I try to block them (due to some of them being extremely immoral, or repulsive) I experience very bad suffering. When I accept them I may fall into more visual imagery or even fantasizing which I am drawn to due to a powerful feeling of attraction (whether its sexual, emotional, lustful, hunger attraction). Then I might get a feeling of being torn between the aversion and the attraction. I am able to note the attraction and fantasies however they greatly disturb me. I get a complex reaction where I wonder what is wrong with me and why that would come about. I believe that maybe its something my mind has to face to progress and it'll stop doing it once I just let it play out and it will stop. However there is the fear that maybe I will get stuck with it and like it, as if I'm afraid of liking something I dont want to.

I felt very uncomfortable posting what I just did due to the nature of it but I feel that it must be expressed in order for me to receive some advice.

Here's my best shot, FWIW: Noting something over and over with the hope or agenda of getting it to go away isn't necessarily going to help. Simply deciding to accept it doesn't necessarily help either. Just see it for what it is: a phenomenon in the mind. Judging it as immoral or inappropriate is another phenomenon; note that as "judging thought."

I am wondering whether what you need at this point is some metta practice, aimed at yourself. Not everyone can do this, but metta, or "lovingkindness," is a way of allowing yourself simply to be whatever you are, without trying to change yourself. Noting in and of itself is not a magic bullet, but investigating your thoughts and your responses in openness and kindness toward yourself will help you to see that "you" ultimately are not the source or the object of them, these things just are. What makes them threatening is the way they get caught in a storyline about "you" and how they reflect on you, or what they may bode for "your" future.

That's my input. May you be safe and protected, may you be peaceful, may you live with ease and with kindness.

IMHO excellent advice by Laurel. Sometimes vipassana can bring up a lot of tension that results from the resistance of the mind. Any practise that helps you to relax and let go could useful to balance things a bit.

Metta