Eddy's practice journal

Just got up from an hour of sitting (laying down actually, its more bearable). I gotta say, I suffered like a dog on this one. I felt as if I was getting more and more into my body which proved to be very painful and difficult. The beginning was the usual aversion and tension stuff but I was able to note well. Then I had a couple little dissolutions and pops here and there and ended up with a lot of pulses and some relaxation. I got some visual effects too. Then came this drunkenness or sluggishness were I feel a loss of location and its hard to note or even find anything to note. I felt like I was just floating blackness. Then...halfway through the sit came the real hard part. I was able to note better of course at this point. A lot of pain, some fear as around the time where i started feeling my usually numb chest/ribcage area. I did note anticipation, desire to run away, anger, frustration, desire for deliverance. Some things were nice but very short and unsatisfying. I had many little movements and pops of energy though out the body, usually either comfortable warmth or coolness. Nice stuff But the unsatisfactoriness aspect pops up usually within a second. I am able to notice my reactions to these things and my disappointment. I also noticed a strange feeling that a part of me literally fell away for a brief instant. I didn't get anything from that again but it was an interesting moment.

I remember one phase of my practice that I call "the bubbling up" phase. Didn't have to do anything, emotions and thoughts and moods (probably 85% negative ones) and body tension and pain and fear --- but also space and joy and release -- would just arise and do its thing. It's a great feeling to be present in the midst of all of this. It let's you feel and know that all these events are within and the real you is much more expansive than any one thing. It's almost like lifting weights or some other workout with a lot of different kinds of motions. You get used to all of these different energies/experiences and they don't control or "own you" as much.

Thanks betawave. Thats a good way to put.

Just got up from a 48 minute sit. It was supposed to be an hour but towards the end I just had to jump out of were I was lying due to aversion. Today was very different in that its the first prematurely ended sit I've had and the way everything went was very different. I did something that I usually don't do. Pay attention to breathe and consciously make myself breathe. I usually forget to breathe or take very shallow breaths. I get a lot of suffocating feelings and when I try to breathe deep I get this huge tension and awful vague feeling. So today in this sit I breathed in and out abdominally . I noticed a strange hollowness coming along. Its a bit cool and pleasant in the upper body. However then came this huge sense of aversion that seems to be location less and directionless. Sometimes its a very dull but painful irritation emanating from somewhere in mid torso. I felt a couple of sharp things here and there around diaphragm and heart. My mind was spinning out of control most of the sit and was one of the most unfocused sits Ive had in the past couple weeks. I would always return to the breathe and other sensations of course but I my mind had a high propensity to wander. I notice that I wander more when theres the worst sensations. When theres less suffering I wander less. Right now, and most of today I have felt quite relaxed though. Its an odd combination...I rarely feel this relaxed and my usual heaviness is slightly diminished.

I've noticed that link (more discomfort = more thought-spinning) pretty commonly. Seems like a bit of a natural reaction - like the mind is going "hmm, body not comfortable, let me run through the database and see if I can find a reason... how bout this? no? hmmm this? no? that?"

Though it's sort of tangential and not a "fix" for anything, having noticed you tend to be tense, you could also start each meditation with a few stretches and deep breaths, to get the kinks out. The body tension is, in a way, related to the mental tension: when the mind is worried, the body becomes tense. Then the mind notices the body and tense and looks for reasons. Then the body notices the mind fussing and worrying and figures "better stay tense." So it's a bit circular. Loosening up the body at least feels nicer, even if it doesn't necessarily sort out the worry and such.

Perhaps most usefully (perhaps) is not to be frustrated with that and layer on more tension - you seem to be doing a good job in general of just noticing what's going on. I still have some sits where there's the most amazing level of mind-spew and/or body tension sometimes - it's just what's happening.

Some great advice girasol. I'll try that before my next sit. I feel like I'm getting closer and closer to something.

"... I feel like I'm getting closer and closer to something."

You are. Sticking with the practice even when it is hard and making sure to reach out for support as you need it is totally the way to go. Things are rough now, but hang in there!

Ive been thinking of starting to do more paying attention to bare sensations rather than noting. It feels as if noting is starting to create more resistance for me and I am using it to get "rid" of sensation. At least thats what it feels like in my mind.

The past few days have been dominated by a suffocating heavy feeling that I generally feel deep inside my body. This has made it quite difficult to sit for prolonged periods of time. This morning I did two 15 minute sessions and one 20 minute. I would do an hour but it is far too difficult with this sensation. I will be sitting an hour later today however. So far I am noticing little moments of clarity where my field of vision becomes really sharp and objects look slightly more vibrant and pleasant. I'm thinking this is what a PCE is? I don't have path yet and most people that talk about them are post path so Im not sure. Anyways, I'm thinking that since Im an art student I should incorporate direct perception practice while I draw. Its kind of difficult though since for some reason when I draw my mind goes erratic with thoughts and its hard to keep mindfulness over things. Anyone or any artists have any suggestions? I want to integrate some parts of my life with practice.

Right now I am drifting throughout the day between being in a lot of pain but somehow feeling calm and with slight resistance/some suffering and falling into full-blown suffering of that pain. Its back and forth and mostly suffering but the calm moments seem very interesting as the pain isn't gone but the feel to it is different.

I remember this experience very well. You got here through investigation and being open to the suffering, a sense of acceptance without fatalism (I don't think there is any other means to what you are describing).

As you continue to develop it is really important not to let go of any positive ways you had of coping with the pain. It might be tempting because it will lessen, but keep up with the things that keep you healthy and well. There is a danger of relying entirely on the meditation to fix all suffering at this point, because you are getting a glimpse of liberation. Stick with what you are doing already - it's working.

Thanks Ron. Ill be continuing to do what Im doing.

Just got up from what was supposed to be a 1 hour sit. Ended up being only 30 minutes because It got too painful. I noticed a strong desire for the mind to just keep doing things.. I feel like theres some strange desire that my mind won't let go of no matter what I do. Its like it wants to stop existing but it can't.

I had an interesting chat with a new acquaintance the other day. I asked why he started meditating. He said he was at such a crappy spot in his life, he figured meditating would give him a trick for going around all the crappy stuff and just being happy all the time. Then, to his shock, he realized what was really going to happen was he was going to have to walk right through all the hard stuff as well as the nice stuff, both the things he didn't like about himself, the things he was afraid to look at, and the things that were pleasant and nice, and see how his mind wanted or didn't want certain feelings or thoughts to be there, and then realize that was just all right for all that stuff to be in his mind. And to his surprise, by being with all the stuff in his mind, he came to peace with it. He hadn't expected that at all. I can honestly say I've had meditations where my little mantra to myself was "I'm ******* terrified" as I just let a fear be there and didn't try to avoid it or send it away or anything. I sat there literally sweating with fear, just letting it be there. It was hard. And in time I saw the fear was just fear, and the "stuff" I was afraid of wasn't nearly as powerful as the being afraid of it made it seem. Peace!

Thanks girasol. My issue so far is that I never surrender to the pain. for some reason the practices make it worse and worse when I just stay with them. I very rarely hit points of peace, when I do its usually a second or two. However I must say I am definitely improving in picking up some of the subtle mechanisms the mind uses as well as sense of self and identity stuff.

"Thanks girasol. My issue so far is that I never surrender to the pain. for some reason the practices make it worse and worse when I just stay with them. I very rarely hit points of peace, when I do its usually a second or two. However I must say I am definitely improving in picking up some of the subtle mechanisms the mind uses as well as sense of self and identity stuff."

Yeah. And it can be too much sometimes to "jump in with both feet" when something's really really tough to be with. Have you ever tried paying attention to something more peripheral? Like say the worst part of the pain tends to be in the chest area (which I think you mentioned once). What happens if you let your focus get bigger, not zeroing in on that area of discomfort, but letting it just be a small part of a much bigger area of attention, as if your mind is as big as the whole room? Then you aren't ignoring the painful stuff, but it's just 10% or 20% of your whole field of attention, which also includes sounds, the movement of air on your skin, the sensation of being in the room, sight (if you keep your eyes open) etc. I don't want to mess with your method of practice, because you know what's right for you, but just an idea.

Interesting. I've tried that before but I usually end up zeroing back in to the pain and being aversive towards that. I always get a sense that that practice won't solve anything or help, its just a temporary relief. But maybe that might just be my mind playing tricks My mind tends to be very obsessive of the pain and tends to either zero in on it or just block it completely. Ill try to get that 10% type of thing you described. Its a very tricky middle road to find between no attention and full that I have failed to get many times.

"Interesting. I've tried that before but I usually end up zeroing back in to the pain and being aversive towards that. I always get a sense that that practice won't solve anything or help, its just a temporary relief. But maybe that might just be my mind playing tricks My mind tends to be very obsessive of the pain and tends to either zero in on it or just block it completely. Ill try to get that 10% type of thing you described. Its a very tricky middle road to find between no attention and full that I have failed to get many times."

I'm not sure practice will "solve" anything, in a sense. But that's great to notice how much your mind keeps zeroing in there - that's something to notice. It's all about noticing how the mind plays. The interesting thing about the broad attention is that the reality is there is a lot of stuff going on around you. A certain pain can really draw our attention to it strongly. But the fact is it is not actually the whole of our experience in the moment. It's just the part that's jumping up and down saying "look at meeeee!" Sort of like if you look at a crowd of people, and one of them is jumping around in a funny costume, you might not even notice the other hundred people - but they are there too!

Thats a great way to put it! Thats exactly what I feel. I guess I'm just trying to do what feels more natural.. which in the end feels like neither. its as if my mind can't settle on anything. Reminds me of something that I read in MCTB.

It is good to try going for panoramic attention, and do it frequently, as that is where this is heading anyway.

Alright Bruno. Should this panoramic attention include noting or just bare sensate experience?

Well, I dont really find it possible to note anything specific when my attention is wide enough. So I would answer "the latter".

So I just got up from 40 minutes of meditation. I took your advice and kept bare attention for most of it. I felt like I was a lot closer to the sensations than when I note. I feel as if when I note I get a veil between me and the sensations and the noting feels as its part of my mind spinning into worrying, intellectualizing, usual monkey mind stuff. Anyways this sit had a more peaceful quality to it than the usual noting sits. I did space out a lot but found it easy to get back on track after a while. I am noticing a lot more pulsing in the visual field and little spots in the body this time.

"So I just got up from 40 minutes of meditation. I took your advice and kept bare attention for most of it. I felt like I was a lot closer to the sensations than when I note. I feel as if when I note I get a veil between me and the sensations and the noting feels as its part of my mind spinning into worrying, intellectualizing, usual monkey mind stuff. Anyways this sit had a more peaceful quality to it than the usual noting sits. I did space out a lot but found it easy to get back on track after a while. I am noticing a lot more pulsing in the visual field and little spots in the body this time."

Eddy, that sounds like a productive change. If you just remind yourself to come back to the moment when you realize you've wandered, keeping the broad attention might be a good strategy for a while. Maybe see how it goes for a few weeks? Cheers!

Thanks gira! Ill keep going at it. I also forgot to mention that I've been on antidepressant SSRI's for a week now so it should be hitting me within the next month. I've heard that could affect practice and progress so I'll definitely post up any changes I notice.