Eddy's practice journal

"Thanks gira! Ill keep going at it. I also forgot to mention that I've been on antidepressant SSRI's for a week now so it should be hitting me within the next month. I've heard that could affect practice and progress so I'll definitely post up any changes I notice."

I've taken those in the past (though it was before I had a meditation practice). It helped me get my feet back under me during a time when I needed help. All the best.

I think it's great to have the benefit of SSRI's. No need to make things more difficult than they need to be! Sometimes we think we get "bonus points" from taking a hard path, but I think that's b.s. ... Athletes used to think that getting injured made you "tougher" -- but now we know the really good athletes make progress and continue to build thieir skills by staying injury free. Being good to oneself is the foundation, everything else is secondary -- otherwise short term gains just get lost.

I keep switching between the bare sensation noticing and noting practices. Im getting this terrible itch deep within me. It makes my body twitch and spasm when I get to close to it and my body reacts with great aversion. It seems to control my breathing in a weird way. Makes me unable to do it and makes it painful when I force it (and yes I have gone to doctors about it). I note aversion, thoughts spinning, lack of focus, dreaminess, sadness, desperation, bliss, tingling, tickle,pressure, panic, lack of breathe. I notice sometimes that my mind when confronted with a lot of negativity or having to focus likes to spin off into tangents of remembering something funny that happened or something having to do with a movie I saw. Sometimes it manifests as thinking about things in the past and what I should've done and the what ifs. A lot of times its fantasies about my past girlfriend. It seems like as soon as I get down to work on meditation the mind feels like distracting me with all that is possible. By the time I able to note it, it is after I have focused again and the thought has past.

It's common to have twitching and tingling that can affect your breathing. Try not to make that central, but just let it be. It will do its own thing. All these sensations in the body (and thoughts in the mind) just come and go by themselves, flowing by like streams. Just let them flow by, and try to keep a gentle broad awareness. Do you meditate with your eyes open? I found that was helpful at a point, to just let my eyes rest vaguely in the space ahead, not looking at anything in particular (facing a blank wall is helpful). Again, these are just suggestions based on my own practice. Do what seems right for you.

I will try that gira as it definitely seems like a powerful idea. When you said not to make those certain sensations central thats something that I have really noticed I do. Its like this sticky obsessiveness that won't let go of its grasp.

Today I sat for an hour. very painful hour indeed. I had a lot of spasms and crazy twitches. Luckily my roommate wasn't in the room during the sit. He would've thought I'd be having a seizure or getting possessed by demons Other than that I was able to notice subtle feelings of "selfhood" or location. I felt little moments where I saw that I thought suffering was "Me" and when I saw that I felt no suffering in relation to that sensations. I guess Im peeling through some deeper layers of identification. I heeded gira's advice of opening my eyes in the moments things got too intense. I was very tempted to get up multiple times during the sit due to overwhelming pain but I didn't. I did move my body a lot though towards the end.

When you say painful in this particular sit, do you mean discomfort from sitting for a whole hour, physical pain associated with the twitching, or emotional/mental pain? Myself when I had that kind of twitching there was sometimes a lot of shooting pains or tensions associated with it, but the twitching stuff in my experience tended to only last a few days at a time (it would recur every few months) before subsiding into quieter sits again. It seemed to eventually work itself out and very rarely now do I have any kind of uncomfortable twitching (I'd say never, but I can think of one time in the last 8 months, so who knows).

Gira, its a combination of all except the pain from sitting for a whole hour since I lay down. The pain would be too much if I sat. You're lucky that its so short for you, it lasts a lot longer for me.

"Gira, its a combination of all except the pain from sitting for a whole hour since I lay down. The pain would be too much if I sat. You're lucky that its so short for you, it lasts a lot longer for me."

The physical stuff (tremors, etc.) does tend to come and go in cycles - for me it tended to last a few days at a time, then return again a few weeks later, but eventually after many months it didn't resurface so strongly. I actually had a mild bout of it this morning, which is quite unusual. I had to chuckle at being glad your roommate wasn't there - I often thought the same thing - someone seeing me would have thought I was having some kind of medical problem! Softening your attention, making it broad and gentle, can help make it a bit milder; but i understand how it tends to draw you in, it did the same for me. Now when it happens I am more able to just let it flow and do its thing, keeping a broader gentle attention that includes the rest of the body and space around me.

Hey Ill be softening my attention. I notice that when I try to hard to be mindful and attentive it can make the tension worse.

"Hey Ill be softening my attention. I notice that when I try to hard to be mindful and attentive it can make the tension worse."

It's worth experimenting. You can be totally mindful and attentive in a broad way, gently including all the senses at the same time; or you can have a sort of laser-like attention that's more narrow. The broader softer attention isn't the same as being "lazy" about practice or anything like that, it's just like zooming out with the camera to include the whole picture rather than zooming in to focus on just part of the picture. Take care.

So I believe the SSRI is beginning to kick in. I am finding that I am feeling a lot less depression but the tension and dissatisfaction stays in a lighter yet still irritating way. I am more prone to be able to be distracted and sitting has become very difficult due to this lightness of feeling that distracts me into thought. Its almost as if the monkey mind has become more powerful now that I feel less heavy. I have also become very talkative

Give it some time, Eddy. The SSRI effects change rapidly and can wobble back and forth at first, then finally settle in in a more permanent way.

"So I believe the SSRI is beginning to kick in. I am finding that I am feeling a lot less depression but the tension and dissatisfaction stays in a lighter yet still irritating way. I am more prone to be able to be distracted and sitting has become very difficult due to this lightness of feeling that distracts me into thought. Its almost as if the monkey mind has become more powerful now that I feel less heavy. I have also become very talkative"

Feeling lazy, less depressed, more prone daydreaming, slippery attention.

Signs of equanimity nana.

Power up PANORAMIC attention, don't slack off. DON'T SLACK OFF. Let big parts of it melt at once.

The trick to avoid daydreaming is to make attention panoramic and subtle. Pay attention to subtle flickers and wide vibrations happening in a widespread way. Notice the apparent background of the mind, it's subtle whispers, like a very light spasmic breeze. Things might get very pleasant. Don't slack off.

very interesting Bruno! I know exactly what you're talking about with the little subtle flickers and stuff. I feel as if all the grosser stuff from before didn't let me sense that and now I can. Yesterday was the first time I noticed it a bit but today I really got into it. Im getting a lot of moments today were reality seems so different, even visually. Like everything is beautiful. In the middle of the day I slipped back into my usually stuff but then in the late afternoon I came back into this state. It might be possible that the SSRI is helping with the depression, and the depression was a major blockage for progress. Interestingly enough when the usual stuff came back earlier it didn't manifest as the depression but more like the usual aversion and tension that comes with it. It was more manageable so I guess it was easier to get into equanimity. I guess you need less equanimity for less pain... Maybe this is why its been so difficult for me to get to equanimity for the past couple of months, I have a little too much on my plate to be equinanimous to.

No need to speculate. All the pain and **** is really just a bad dream, and it'll very likely come back. So make the most of it.

Keep it steady. Tweak attention: make it steady and subtle and panoramic. Notice in particular the sensations that seem to be self. Be aware of anticipation and intention and expectation. Be aware of the sensation of time and space. When you think you are as panoramic as you can get, notice that you are thinking about it, which is not the point and get back to the business of noticing everything at once until it happens automatically.

All you need is one moment when "you" quit the scene for a little bit, and you have stream entry.

Wide, relaxed, awake, precise...

Thanks Bruno. I haven't been practicing as much this week due to school related things. This weekend I've been able to catch up a bit though. I returned to how I usually feel and theres this really intense sense that I am stuck and can't give up a part of myself.

"Thanks Bruno. I haven't been practicing as much this week due to school related things. This weekend I've been able to catch up a bit though. I returned to how I usually feel and theres this really intense sense that I am stuck and can't give up a part of myself. "

I'm back in the dukkhas too--I can relate! But it doesn't last. The feeling that you're stuck is just part of the feeling; it doesn't mean it's true. At least that's what people keep telling me. We both need to get our behinds back on the cushion, my friend! This misery is our motivation.

p.s.: I think the self doesn't give up without a fight; that's what's going on.

I completely agree Laurel. It literally does feel like a fight or internal battle. It's almost as if it tries every possible means to save itself. I've discovered so many new defense mechanisms in the past few months. The feeling of stuckness doesn't go away but I can definitely logically see that I have become aware of certain mechanisms that I wasn't aware of before.

Sat a couple of times in the past couple of days for some short sessions. Ive been lacking willpower and been busy as well lately. I'm really starting to notice the mechanism of craving. Its like this fiery yearning that never leaves. The mind always wants something. Once to eat this, and do that. I feel almost like an addict to everything. What disturbs me the most is that I feel like I can't stop it. All I can do is note it. Its as if something is trying to distract itself from something.

Wanting it to stop is, alas, part of it.

Notice the subtle details of the feeling of craving. Notice how it is tiresome. Notice how craving for it to stop is just more of it, and also tiresome. Notice whatever "you" do to stop it is just more of it, and also tiresome. Now turn to the senses (seeing, hearing, touching, smelling, tasting). Notice how the pure sensory input is delightful and not tiresome. If this causes "you" to be irritated; figure out why.

Good suggestions, Bruno!

It does cause irritation Bruno. Its because the attention is being turned away from the center that usually sucks in attention. Its very interesting... Almost as if it doesn't want me leaving.

What is it that "you" find irritating about the periphery and/or the senses?

i.e. What is it that "you" seek by obsessively looking at "the center"?

What is it about the outside that irritates you, and makes "you" compulsively create your inner world (your delusional escape)?

I'm trying to answer the same question by the way

I don't know if this counts as progress, but this week I've been discovering underlying emotions to the pain I usually feel. The theme surfacing this week is hatred, anger, resentment. Most of it is associated to my past and certain connections with people in my past. For example I noticed that there are stuck emotions that I won't let myself feel out of shame, like hatred and resentment towards my family. I feel it underlying but I deny it and don't let myself feel them because I feel they are wrong or immoral. My mind spins off in fantasies such as: if you hate your parents, they will stop paying for college and disown you, or something bad will happen to you, or they'll die. Its interesting how long this has been lingering but how it wasn't brought into direct awareness. It was just the subtle tension without any source. Now I see that theres a psychological component to it. I want to let go of it, I want to accept it, but I don't know where to begin. I see how hatred and the holding on is painful. IT really hurts me as much as it hurts others.