Tim11's practice notes

1:35 today

Same scenery as yesterday but not as deep. Spent a little time at the beginning watching a recurring thought concerning something I am doing today which makes me anxious. It repeatedly appeared, noted 'future thought', 'fear', 'anxiety', felt a ball in the pit of my stomach, lightness and shakiness of lower arms, and the mental contraction and stress. Over time it became weaker and weaker, eventually the scene replayed and there was no anxiety.

After that things oscillated between two groups of sensations 1) calm, tranquil mind, light head pressure moving around the top/front of the head, light tingling in the body with slow swirly movement of particles, eyes relaxed, watching thoughts 2) increased and more solid pressure in the same part of the head, tingling more powerful, a little stiffness and tension especially in the upper back, neck and head, mild sensation of eyes being locked in place.

Sometimes when the first group of sensations occurred it was very relaxed and the mind wanted to slip off, the second group was very focussing but didn't last as long.

3:00 today

1. Began with a subtle pleasant tingling around the back of the head, then mostly soft pressure downwards over the whole of the top of the head. Thoughts were coming thick and fast, noted them but it took quite a while for it to settle down. When it did it seemed to come in two distinct moments - one when the loud, blatantly grabbing thoughts subsided - this felt like I had stopped pedalling the bike and was coasting. The second when the subtle, quiet thoughts released their hold somewhat. Of course plenty of thoughts after that but it was easier at each stage. Later on things were different than before, the head pressure seemed slightly pleasant and the body tingling and vibrations were smoothed out a bit. For a short time thoughts were irritating whispers in the background. Was fairly comfortable but it was like everything was a bit blurry and hard to sharpen up.

The rest:

Continued with the focus on sharpening up. Very soon after sitting down there was quite a strong tension buildup centred on the inside of the forehead, there was feeling of particles flowing around the body, pressure on the back of the head, numbness on the skin and hairs sticking up. Also a sense of flickering that was too fast for me to see, also centred on the inside of the forehead. All this was fairly strong, it built up for a while then eased off and repeated.

After a while there were more intense buildups consisting of sharp tingling and swirling movement in the body, hairs sticking up everywhere, strong head pressure which seems to be centred behind the forehead, and a little muscular tension. In-between the buildups were calm patches, everything seemed to be very under control. The buildups were really quite intense, sometimes it seemed to be too much.

Later on the on and off again nature mellowed out, as did the tension. The other effects were present but not as extreme.

2:20 yesterday and 2:05 today

Both days very similar:

Continued to have buildups of tension, strong pressure at the top/front of the head, and intensifying body vibrations; however things were milder and slower. They gradually built up, peaked for a while, then slowly eased, and the tension was only slight. Later on things smoothed out even further, the fluctuations stopped, the sensations eased to mild and everything became quiet and very slow-motion. Breathing was very slow and shallow.

Today there was less tension than yesterday, the body was quieter, and things had a more relaxed. The stronger head pressure early on sometimes affected just a small part of the top of the head. Thoughts were more sticky today.

2:25 today

Felt quite different from yesterday, no buildups or strong fluctuations, no strong tension, and head pressure was much reduced. Thoughts were easy to manage early on but more sticky later. Mind felt clear and bright. Each sit had most of the same characteristics, but the last seemed very clear:

Settling in felt solid, gaining depth quickly. Some flowing sensations and at one point some bubbles moving up the back. Head pressure mild and moving around, like pillows. Then some slightly uncomfortable disorientation and sense of blindness. Then a feeling of centredness - consciousness very steady and sensations moving all around. The mind seemed aware of the (black) background and felt still in relation to it. Sensations were spread out in front but I wasn't looking at them directly, saw them through peripheral vision but was focussed on the background. Body felt soft-edged and light, tingling mostly and sometimes it became quite sharp.

3:45 today

1. Settling in was a bit indistinct, but soon reached a place similar to later on yesterday but without the focus on the background. Head pressure was mild today and moving around a bit. Stayed there for a little watching thoughts and going deeper. There were a couple of distinct changes - one was about halfway through the sit when thoughts became very quiet and much easier to manage, at this time the mind seemed to notice and focus on the background like yesterday. The mind seemed to get closer and closer to sensations, but still not looking at them directly. The second change occurred and it was like I couldn't actually look at anything directly any longer, only at everything and the background. Late in the sit the body felt like it was densely filled with tingly particles flowing around randomly.

The rest:

Reached a similar place quickly, worked on thoughts and things deepened slowly. Around halfway through there was an increase in depth that I find hard to describe, but it was *way* beyond anything I have experienced before. Very close to sensations but still not really looking at anything directly, not even the background any more. Things deepened in plateaus, often some full-body tingling which drew attention before going deeper.

Felt present and able to watch/note easily but unhooked from everything, no longer tied to sensations. Had an urge to open my eyes because I expected everything to look different. Things continued to deepen and there regular instances where the body tingling grew to be very strong, like bright particles moving around. Normal light leak through the eyelids seemed to have gone, at one point I opened my eyes a crack to check I could still see. Right at the end of the 2nd sit I noticed a little discomfort in my legs/feet, once I took notice of it I realized they were really sore but I hadn't felt it until then.

Things continued in the same way for the rest of the time, continuing increases in depth, tranquility, quiet. Often seemed incredibly quiet even though the normal noises could be heard outside, like listening to the background silence. Head pressure mostly soft and varied, sometimes stronger but not uncomfortable. At times the body was just a mass of different vibrations, but mostly just light tingling and an indistinct blob.

Struggling to describe this adequately but it felt like a big step forward.

2:00 yesterday

Similar place to the previous day but the body was quieter and less plateaus. Spent most of the time working with thoughts, they were wispy and transparent but still grabby at a subtle level. Deepening continues slowly, after a while a few weird sensations came at once - all the hair sticking up on the back of my head combined with medium downward pressure on the bridge of my nose. Then a lifting sensation and a feeling of openness. For the rest of the time the body was quieter, the odd flowing sensation from time to time but occasionally some sharp tingling as well. Head pressure varied and moved around.

2:10 today

Felt like the same place again but thoughts were more sticky and less transparent today. Stayed in the same place for quite some time just letting go of thoughts, trying to keep noting and not be taken away. After quite a while things settled a little and suddenly the body was thick with tingly particles moving around, this sensation eased a little and the body felt dissolved more or less completely from the shoulders down and partially from there up. There seemed to be no difference between the blob where my body should be and the air nearby. This was a little freaky but very interesting. This sensation faded somewhat and things quietened down. The body dissolving didn't repeat, but there were several instances whole body tingliness, less strong each time.

2:55 today

Quickly reached a place similar to later on yesterday, and worked with thoughts for a while. Things deepened and there was a change - suddenly thoughts were no longer visible. It was like they were put out of sight, I knew they were there and could pick something up and think about it if I wanted to, but if I didn't they would leave me alone. For a little while my attention felt 99% undistracted and very free to note. There was a slight external interruption at this time, and continuing things weren't the same but thoughts had much reduced stickiness.

From then on the body had less substantiality, not gone like yesterday but half-way there. Some little buildups of fine shaking for a while, then some strong head pressure which stayed in place for a time. After that there was a little wave of relaxation which came over my face, my brain/mind also relaxed but it felt like there was a little piece of tension deep inside, it felt like resistance or holding on to something, and I could only consciously relax it so far. Concentrated on the head pressure (which was milder now) and body sensations, gradually the little knot began to relax.

Things deepened gradually from then on. Thoughts weren't sticky, and oddly were mostly silent, i.e. verbal thoughts had no sound, but still needed to note and let go a lot of them. Body sensations primarily mild to medium head pressure which shifted around a bit but was particularly evident at the very top of the head. Also the feeling of particles moving around the body.

2:05 today

1. Much less head pressure today, and for the first little while there was a ringing in my ears which was interesting to watch. Thoughts were pretty transparent. Came to what I think was the place of relaxation from yesterday but this time it wasn't a wave and I relaxed all over more easily, except for the feeling of a tiny little holding in the middle of the brain. Spent some time there relaxing and noting, searching for things to let go of. The body was quiet and things gradually deepened. Eventually a little fine shaking came over me, intensity increased, eyelids were fluttering slightly, and then there was a super-bright flash of light followed by nice buzzy vibrations over the whole body. After the buzzyness settled the body had a little shaking and the mind wasn't as deep, and I got up.

The rest:

Sitting down again the mind seemed to be much shallower than recently, things deepened more slowly and everything was a bit further away. A bit like all sensations were behind a bit of glass, and I wasn't immersed in things like before. A bit later things seemed closer and more intense but still not quite the same as previously.

Eventually reached a place similar to before the flash of the first sit, but the intensity faded after a little while and was left with everything very quiet and peaceful. The mind then was drawn like a magnet towards a subtle whole body vibration. Watched it for a little while and most other things including thoughts faded to the background, the head felt a little solid and it was hard to note anything other than the body vibration.

1:25 yesterday

Mind felt a bit burnt out, meditation seemed to go OK but it really felt like some rest was needed

Found thoughts much easier to manage than recently, they didn't seem to be sticky at all. Not much in the way of phases to this sit, things gradually deepened, there were a range of subtle sensations in the body - vibrating a little then tingling and a little insubstantiality later. Light to medium fluctuating head pressure. Didn't recognize any of the places from yesterday but it did feel as deep and things were no longer behind glass.

After a while attention seemed stronger, head pressure too. For a time the body 95% disappeared, it came back slightly but very insubstantial, a bit freaky when it happened.

2:40 today

Progressed slowly, body went from light tingling to flowing particles to slight insubstantiality. Mind felt OK and gradually came together but felt a little hesitant after how frazzled I was yesterday. Thoughts not sticky as such but distracting.

Seemed to reach the relaxation place of a couple of days ago, then eased back. Returned there after a break and intensity grew for a time got closer to sensations and then eased off again. Then was gripped by intense body vibrations a couple of times, intensity grew strongly and there was a change. Still looking at everything but very peripherally, in the centre was an emptiness - it seemed like I was watching myself watch myself. This closed in on itself for a little while, then everything opened up very wide, now sensations seemed closer, more vivid and detailed.

2:55 yesterday

Immediately felt like the mind was going deep quickly, medium head pressure and a little ringing in the ears. Reached a similar territory to recent sits however thoughts were quite tough to let go of. Seemed to hang around the same place for quite a while just working on thoughts.

Eventually got on top of them, then things became more intense and head pressure got stronger. After a while it was like leaving an area of turbulence into clear air. Thoughts were no longer the issue they were, and it felt like 100% of attention was now available. From then on there weren't any dramatic body sensations - mostly light to medium tingling in the body, some insubstantiality, and light to medium head pressure which shifted around. There were however some significant changes in perception, and they are hard to describe. The whole experience seemed more deep and subtle over the time. The angle of view often seemed wide, but at times it also seemed like a microscope at the same time. Perception also seemed to be warped, perhaps like viewing things through a thick lens.

Right near the end of the time it was like the mute button was hit, sound was quieter, body sensations smoothed out - still vibrating a little but very subtle. Mind seemed smooth and steady, and almost like walking around consciousness except for the quiet, lack of distraction and stability.

2:05 today

Began pretty much the same as yesterday - head pressure, ringing in the ears, seemed to go deep quickly and with very little distraction. Then hit the same place and thoughts came thick and fast and were very sticky. Again spent time in the same place working on thoughts.

Eventually things progressed, and for a little while thoughts became seemingly random images and quiet words, like they were only partially formed, and they became easier to manage. Then the mind seemed to become a big cloud, and from then on thoughts would come and there was plenty of space for them as well as other sensations without taking me away. The mind earlier on seemed comically small and tight by comparison. There was a little insubstantiality in the body, but mostly just a very fine and fast vibration, almost like white noise. Sat through the timer for quite a while just because it was so easy being there, almost easier than getting up.

After a break the same process repeated, however the mind didn't seem as open in the end, a little tighter and slightly more distracted.

1:55 yesterday

A bit different than the previous day, no ringing or fast depth, but no major problems with thoughts either, seemed a lot easier to watch and let go of them. Slowly gained depth and I think reached the same place of space but it was much more 'normal' feeling and not as vast.

After a while reached somewhere new - the body felt more like an indistinct ball of sensation, everything seemed to be coming from directly in front instead of all around, everything had soft blurry edges. Felt comfortable and stable.

Later the mind became focussed inwards. Everything would slowly become very quiet - both body and mind - then out of nowhere strong body vibrations would arrive in a wave. This repeated several times, the final time was different, the wave was more electrical and there was a little electric zap around my heart. From that time on the mind seemed sharper and thoughts easier to handle that before.

2:00 today

Continued from the same places as yesterday, the most distinct being the point when everything focussed inwards, the outside world was still there but very much in the background compared to the body. No major problems with thoughts today, they were easy to see and let go of.

A lot of the time I was watching a flickery pulsing in the body, also shifting head pressure that fluctuated in intensity quite a bit. Things deepened and after a little while the attention was brought to front and centre, and the mind seemed somewhat stuck to the pulsing in the body. The stuckness eased, but after that it was like I no longer needed to mentally look at sensations in order to examine them as closely as I wanted.

Later there was firm and steady head pressure. Sensations became closer and more intense, hard to articulate how but it's getting pretty detailed, it feels deeper than ever before, it's getting easier too.

2:50 today

Similar experience today as yesterday - inwardly focussed, mostly watched flickery pulsing in the body - but felt deeper again. Thoughts were sticky for the first few minutes, after a short time they were under control, a bit later very few had any chance of getting attention.

Tried the "sweet spot" technique (as per post 136 in Keith Strand's topic) when things stabilized or smoothed out and it seemed to have an effect - after a few seconds there would often be a little flowing sensation in the body, more flickery pulsing and the feeling of deepening.

Right at the end of the first sit, while using the sweet spot there was a little jerk - things felt less deep and there was a little release of tension. The body felt light and tingly, and there was the feeling of nowhere to go, like the sit was over.

The same thing repeated another two times in following sits but it seemed different each time: the 2nd felt like the earth moved about 2mm, the 3rd an instantaneous flash of tension. The same feeling followed each time - tingliness, a little floatiness, relaxed and don't need to go anywhere or do anything.

The final time I sat again, got about 98% of the way there and the mind seemed to have enough of vibrations and flickering, the sweet spot worked to an extent, but every time I stopped the mind just wanted to relax, stabilize and smooth things out.

There were a couple of days when sitting times were short - about an hour a day, the notes were minimal and I will move forward to the last two days:

2:05 yesterday

Similar to previous sits however the tension buildup was only minor and no release, just went deeper. Constantly fluid experience, changing head pressure, body vibrations. Thoughts became very objective at the peak, had a tune running in my head and it could be looked at like it was an itch. What helped a lot was thinking "it doesn't need to be like anything", releasing any wanting things to be different.

2:50 today

1. First part of this was like recent sits - strong sense of deepening, subtle body vibrations and tingling, fluctuating head pressure, minds eye still and centred. Second part was mostly watching thoughts, most often to do with meditation itself. Sensations feel very direct, mind feels solidly in the present, but not undistractable. After a while managed to free myself, felt out of the reach of most thoughts unless I wanted to think them. From this time on the mind felt very 'clean'. Then went further - the body started to dematerialize, mind felt very sharp, seeing intensely and great detail, quite restful.

2. Same again but fast forward. Watched thoughts as they arose as usual but after a while they became very quiet and the watching grew more automatic. Felt like I could effortlessly plunge deeper. Went a bit further than when thoughts arose it didn't really affect me, even thinking them only seemed to consume a small part of the mind and didn't move me from the present. Silly visualisation but it appeared in my mind several times: felt like a tent peg which had been driven so only the very top was visible, no longer wobbly or easily loosened. Deeper still and just felt very quiet and still, lots of vibrations, head twiching, static in the ears, etc.

2:10 today

Began in a similar way to recent sits - no recognizable stages, just deepening. Worked with thoughts for quite a while, they were stickier than yesterday but it didn't seem matter as much, because mostly they could only take a small part of the mind away, the rest would stay present.

Throughout the sit lots of activity at the top/back of the head - hair sticking up, flowing vibrations, a ball of pressure just below the surface. Felt very deep after a while, but different than yesterday - like I was a ghost occupying this body, the body/mind was deeply meditating but I was just sitting there inside the body watching it, the only thoughts were the ghost's.

Later on the body became very light, easy and comfortable, not insubstantial as such, but it felt like the wind could blow through it. There were some tension buildups, mainly in the head, some shaking in the arms, neck/head twitching, eyes fluttering a little. After that there was some strong downward pressure for a short time, then very fine, fast vibrations through the whole body.

3:05 yesterday

Again began similarly, worked on thoughts, eventually got on top of them and immediately the ghost feeling came. After that thoughts were easier but worked on them further, trying to relax the muscle inside which grabs them before I note them. Made further progress with them and from then on was relatively undistracted. Next was a feeling of weightlessness, the body was light and tingling. After that everything closed in around me and consciousness felt tight. Later on things became much deeper, and I'm a bit lost for words as to how to describe it - felt like a long way further down than even yesterday.

2:00 today

1. Today didn't seem crazy deep like yesterday but things appeared much sharper. Lots of tingling in the body, most of the time the lower part was an indistinct blob. Head pressure was medium and fluctuating. Worked with thoughts which were fairly sticky but not a big deal.

After some time there was a bright itch on my eyebrow which was interesting to watch for a while, then things changed and there was a flowing sensation in the body, the head pressure also seemed to flow. After that things became less distinct, darker and clouder, more like yesterday.

2. Began similarly - after a few minutes there was itching on the face, a bit more than last time, then a change to slow flowing in the body - magma came to mind. Then things became a little murky, and I was distracted by thoughts for a little while so worked with that.

Got on top of the thoughts and the body was light tingling, fluctuating head pressure, stayed there for a while, clarity was very high. Then a very peculiar sensation came over me, it started with a vibration in my whole head. I was noting verbally but the muscles sort of stopped working, I could probably have forced it but just continued mentally as I wanted to see what was going to happen. The vibration became stronger, and there was the strong feeling of consciousness moving back from my head/brain/eyes, the mind was extremely quiet and focussed on all this, but it felt very weird. My heart was beating a little initially, and there was lots of flickering and eyelid fluttering. This settled a bit but the very weird feeling of consciousness continued. The body was quite indistinct, mostly light tingling. Stayed there for perhaps 5-10 minutes.

2:00 yesterday

Sort of a combo of the last two days, felt pretty crazy deep but clearer than two days ago. Sensations changed very slowly, early there was some tingling and flowing, in the middle the body seemed to mostly disappear (a bit freaky), after that a very fast, subtle and fine vibration. The mind was distracted at times, but mostly very easy to keep on track. By the end it felt deeper than I had been before, and unlike yesterday feel very comfortable afterwards, not spun out and weird.

2:20 today

1. Just before sitting down I read an email which caused a little ruckus in my mind, so spent the first part of the time trying to settle down and let it go, it proved quite difficult. After a while got on top of it, and the whole body felt sort of soft and squishy, something like a very soft cushion. Head pressure was also soft. Then there was the ghost feeling previously noted, I was distracted with the thought for a short time and things went back to soft and squishy. Next was a strong relaxing of the whole body, the whole body felt very tranquil. Mind didn't feel particularly sharp and had to continue to watch thoughts. Stable for the rest of the sit.

2. Began immediately with very strong clarity and very unusual sensations in the head. It was like the back of my head was open and sort of numb, the hair was sticking up, and there was some sort of movement back there. Uncomfortable because it was quite strong and weird. After a while pressure moved to the eyebrows and forehead, it was stronger. Then the clarity disappeared and a kind of darkness came, there was a little shaking and also the ghost feeling. Later everything was soft tingling, a little weightlessness, a little frozen in place at times, mostly detached but had to watch thoughts.

Ctd

3. Clearer progression this time. Began with flickering, then particles flowing around the body, things were very sharp. The flowing grew stronger and reached a peak. Then the clarity faded, there was a little shaking in the body and the ghost sensation. Then lightness, a little tingling and weightlessness. Things seemed somewhat easy up to this point, I wasn't undistracted, but it didn't seem hard to keep the mind on the job and it didn't feel super deep like some recent sits. But then the mind wanted to skip off with thoughts now, so worked with them for a while. Things started to get pretty deep, the body grew insubstantial, and there was the feeling of the entire of me was just inside my head. Things were mostly stable from this time to the end of the sit.

2:55 today

1. Pretty indistinct to begin with, a little faint pulsing. Things moved slowly, but eventually reached some medium vibrations in the body, and the mind felt a little separated from it, I think this was the same place as the shaking and ghost sensation last sit yesterday but less distinct. Then changed to the same lightness, tingling, fine vibrations.

There were a couple of distractions, and I moved back and forth between these two places for a little while. Got on top of thoughts and watched the vibrations carefully, and moved into the fine vibrations solidly. Continued to watch the vibrations and after a while my neck felt like it was lengthened and my head/mind was further from the body. Also the fine vibrations changed to a smoothness and almost-normality in the body. Looking closer, there was a vibration but just extremely fine and fast, eventually got closer and closer to it, as I did there was some coarse shaking and eyelid fluttering, had to look past these to see it.

2. Bit of a crazy start to this, all sorts of things were happening but I didn't really know what was happening, I seemed to be a second or so behind everything. After a few minutes it felt like I caught up and recognized the fine vibrations from later in the last sit. Watched them closely, several times they slowly became chunkier and then I would move to something finer underneath it. Became amazingly fast and fine by the end, no longer looking at things directly, just vibrations coming in to me.

Contd:

3. This time an indistinct start but loud ringing in my ears, followed this through to the same place as later on last sit. Over the sit things became more and more intense, the fine fast vibrations became stronger and stronger. At times there were little swirls and flows in various parts of the body. For a short time had a perspective from behind my head, could see that thoughts and everything else were contained in the head. Later the fine fast vibration seemed to grip me all over, quite an intense feeling. Everything eased off slightly before the end.

4:15 today

Really tough start - distracted, uncomfortable, tired, unfocussed - everything. Worked through it but it took quite a bit of time, more than 30 minutes. There was some faint swirling in the body, when I started to get on top of things there was strong, steady head pressure for a short time, and then recognized the lightness, tingling and fine vibrations from recent sits. However, distractions were still an issue. At times there were little wavelets of pleasure in various places around the body.

Tried to create the same perspective as yesterday when I was behind my head and watching things from there. After a while this began to work, I had glimpses of being separated from my thoughts as well as the body. A couple of times I intentionally initiated a (benign) thought and watched it come and go. I only felt really separated for a short time, but it was enough to drive a little wedge in and nothing touched me the same way again for the rest of the time.

Watched the body vibrations for a while, felt very restful and the mind felt quite expansive. A few times I sensed an amazing sort of rest, so complete that it made sleep seem agitated and hard work by comparison. I was only near this rest and not touching it, but I could tell what it was like. After that felt very tall and weightless, the body was a tingling, insubstantial blob.

The rest of the time was mostly similar, however at one point the expansiveness took off by itself, head felt like it was in the clouds, 360 degree perception and things far away were just as clear as the body.

3:00 yesterday

Quickly through the preliminaries, and no tough start this morning, but upon getting to the lightness and fine vibrations things went very slowly. Basically the same territory as the day before, however less full-on and very little 'wow' about it, and a lot of the time it seemed like manual labour. Expansiveness was there but it came and went.

3:55 today

An unusually clear beginning, and took about 10 minutes to get to the start of the region of recent sits. From there it was similar to yesterday for a little while. Worked with thoughts, tried to "set down the load" of paying attention to thoughts, wanting/aversion, etc. After a while (to my surprise) it actually seemed to work! Thoughts arose, then almost immediately lost momentum and dissipated, I wasn't being pulled away from the present by pretty much anything. Felt quite amazing. Eventually things got darker and deeper, the mind became more stable, there was a little coarse shaking and eyelid fluttering.

During the rest of the time thoughts weren't as unsticky as in the first sit, but a degree of magnitude easier to handle, it really feels possible to leave them be and to stay present whatever comes up. Over time it seemed the tingling particles in the body became finer and finer. Spent some time finding little mental and physical holdings/tensions and releasing them. Got very subtle towards the end, more relaxed and stable.