Tim11's practice notes

Today there were a couple of moments of slight tenseness early on, then a shift of perspective but it wasn't easy to identify or describe. Generally the depth and stillness of mind felt good, however there weren't any sensations out of the ordinary, again similar to the last two days.

Had some problems with sticky thoughts taking me away early on, but summoned some increased determination to note them and it was no longer an obstacle. About 30mins in noticed a slow-ish shakiness which I followed for the rest of the sit, seemed to take me very deep. Nothing much else happened out of the ordinary, however I felt very close to that shakiness/wobbling and it was quite interesting to follow. Will look for this again.

The first sit was interrupted by the phone, when I resumed I had a bunch of sticky thoughts to note as well as annoyance, frustration, etc - not as much fun as noting body sensations and hard to stay unstuck - failed on a few occasions. After a while I got on top of it, depth and stability felt good but not much in the way of signposts. Found what I think was the slow shakiness from yesterday but it wasn't as vivid, followed it for a while.

Early on there were some unchanging buzzy vibrations primarily from the waist down. After a while, some tingly swirling, a little very subtle tensing, then a moment when I felt relief and effort drop away. Then a period of bubbly vibrations and a good feeling of depth.

At one point I felt I could almost feel the subtle slow shakiness from a couple of days ago, looked for it and after a short time everything went much 'quieter'. It really felt quiet, like during the sit about a week ago (post#22), although it wasn't just sound, everything was very clear but muted. A short time later I clearly felt a perspective shift to a wide view, wider than I have experienced before, it was quite a strange feeling. The primary sensations in the body were for me a new kind of vibration, half-way between bubbling and buzzing, not pleasant or unpleasant. The hour was the fastest I can remember.

"Early on there were some unchanging buzzy vibrations primarily from the waist down. After a while, some tingly swirling, a little very subtle tensing, then a moment when I felt relief and effort drop away. Then a period of bubbly vibrations and a good feeling of depth.

At one point I felt I could almost feel the subtle slow shakiness from a couple of days ago, looked for it and after a short time everything went much 'quieter'. It really felt quiet, like during the sit about a week ago (post#22), although it wasn't just sound, everything was very clear but muted. A short time later I clearly felt a perspective shift to a wide view, wider than I have experienced before, it was quite a strange feeling. The primary sensations in the body were for me a new kind of vibration, half-way between bubbling and buzzing, not pleasant or unpleasant. The hour was the fastest I can remember."

Could be wrong but your description sounds like AP with the buzzy vibrations then going quickly through the dukkha nanas with the subtle tensing and then popping out into that wider perspective which was not pleasant nor unpleasant. That sounds very much like the 11th equanimity nana. Seems like it may be your new cutting edge. And the hour was the fastest you can remember. Nice progress!



Nick

Thanks for taking the time to read and comment Nikolai.
Yesterday was eventful as well, and has a bit more detail which may help clarify things further:

1. As soon as I sat down it felt like I went deep very quickly, too quickly actually because my mind took some time to become stable. A little shock/tensing went through me just a few minutes after closing my eyes, a few moments of bright itching, other body sensations not unusual at this point.

Reaching the 'quiet' stage of yesterday didn't seem to take very long, perhaps 20-25mins. I felt some of the bubbly/buzzing in my foot, but the main body sensation was of shaking, very little swirling and tingling. Hung out with that for a while, perhaps 10 minutes, it wasn't the vivid perspective change of yesterday, however at this time and for the rest of the sit my view seemed to be of my entire body rather than individual spots.

The next thing I felt was my head being pulled upwards, and there was the general feeling of rising high up in the air which stayed with me for most of the rest of the sit. Along with this was a visual change but instead of changing the angle of view it just felt like I went blind. (Note that I don't think there was actually any change to what I saw on the inside of my eyelids, its more a comparison to how it felt before the change, I hope this makes some sort of sense!)

Contd:

This was accompanied by an upwelling of emotion, and it's hard to describe but the best I can think of at present is tense sadness with a slight undercurrent of dread . My chest tightened and the beginnings of tears formed in my eyes. After a some time there was a more vigorous pulling upwards of my head and there was a change in the feeling/emotional aspect to this but I can't describe it accurately.

Shortly afterwards there was a point when the upward pulling stopped, and everything settled down, no more emotions, just a relaxing of the tenseness and quietening accompanied with a slight sinking feeling - opposite to the upward pulling and height of before.

Summary of subsequent sits:
2. Felt like I reached the same territory as before, hung out in the quiet place for a while, then lifting sensation. No emotions or strong sensations after that but there was one instance of a hard ball in the pit of the stomach, and one instance of buzzy itching on the face.

For the rest of the day the mind felt noticeably more stable and under control than usual.

1. Spent the first 20m distracted by thoughts often, along with frustration, etc. Very few signposts, hardly any tingling or swirling, mainly just shaky vibrations. After maybe 25 minutes I know I achieved some sort of concentration because the mind felt very stable, but thoughts were still coming and being very sticky. Then came the lifting sensation, with this it felt like a few hairs were standing on end. The mind calmed down further and I was able to relax in the same buzzy shakiness for a while. At the very end my chest tightened, there was a sinking feeling and a very slight bit of anxiety.

2. The main body sensations during the sit were shaky vibrations over the whole body, however in the first half of the sit there was some tingling and swirling. Few signposts along the first half, but I reached the quiet place after about 30mins. Soon after that there was a clear feeling of the whole body rising up at a constant speed, similar to yesterday. During the feeling of rising there weren't any strong sensations, but I even then I found random thoughts to be very sticky. Then there was a similarly clear feeling of falling, faster than the rising. After the falling stopped, a feeling "everything's OK" came over me - all the troublesome thoughts stopped for a short time , the mind felt nice and stable, and noting seemed completely redundant. This feeling faded somewhat, and some thoughts returned but they were not as sticky, but the feeling of solid stability remained to the end of the sit.

I had a couple of shorter sits later, during one of which I reached the quiet place and had the elevator ride. In the other no elevator, but did feel the hands sort of dissolve into each other, became just vibrations without edges.

I've been writing this journal the morning after the day's sits, but I'm bringing it up to real time now because today's sit #2 was the most full-on experience I've had, I don't really know what to make of it and I'm hoping someone can help me understand it.

1. Sit began with normal body sensations, and while I was settling in I noticed nothing strong or any signposts. After perhaps 15-20mins I reached the quiet place, the mind felt very stable but body sensations were pretty indistinct. Stayed there for a while and during that time the body vibrations became more apparent. After what seemed to be a while the lifting sensation came, followed by the falling sensation, neither of which lasted for long. Then a little tightening of the chest and weird breathing. Then another change and I felt tingly-buzzy vibrations over the body, with a little bubbliness mixed in at the start, and at times a little subtle swirling tingling. This felt to be the same place as yesterday after "everything's OK" but without that particular feeling at the start. It felt completely neutral, at one point I felt a little wave travel along my back - this normally feels very nice but it again only the physical movement was felt, no pleasure. Noting seemed quite redundant. I stayed there for maybe 10-15mins until the end of the sit.

Cont:

2. What happened in the 2nd half of the sit was quite extreme, and as a result my recollection of the first half a bit hazy, although I do know that I reached the quiet place early, after about 20m. Then a short elevator ride up and down, shorter than before and the only new sensation was some subtle pricking over the whole body on and after the descent.

Then a change occurred and the body was all neutral vibrations. I think this point was reached about 30m in, sat there for a while and tried to be very still and paid special attention to sticky thoughts. Upward pressure on the very top of my head became apparent, and gradually increased, to a point where it became concerning.

Then after maybe 10-15min of this increasing pressure, suddenly all hell broke loose - there was violent energy surges, big boiling bubbles, and physical shaking along with very strong upward pressure on the very top of my head. My heart started pounding. There was no emotion or pleasure inherent to the whole experience, but I did feel some intellectual fear related to not knowing what was going on and the physical sensations - particularly the heart pounding - I tried to observe it and not be involved, this required a fair bit of effort as I found it pretty alarming. The intensity of all this increased, and then decreased slightly before dropping away. Afterwards I was left in the same place as before it happened, mind felt quiet and stable, there were subtle, neutral vibrations though the body and the hands felt somewhat merged. Got up maybe 5 minutes later, and as I am writing this my hands still feel shaky.

This is normal, Tim. It happens from time to time to many yogis and seems to be related to the release and ripening of kundalini. It usually happens after a particularly concentrated sitting. Just continue to note now, as usual, and be grateful that these fascinating experiences are coming your way. These extreme moments are a bit like rites of passage, although not necessarily related to any particular attainment.

Kenneth

Thanks for your advice Kenneth, it's very reassuring. I will continue and see what happens next.

1. For the first 20m it was hard to even feel any of the body sensations I am accustomed to watching, there was some subtle movement/vibration but it seemed almost too subtle to see properly. As the sit progressed some vibrations became more noticeable beginning in the hands and feet, then some in the torso, and by the end around the body, but they were all very subtle and there weren't any signposts or clear changes to the experience like usual. There was a bit of pressure at the very top of the head which increased to perhaps medium level at times towards the end of the sit.

A pretty stark contrast to yesterday, not sure if something went wrong, but concentration wasn't too bad at the beginning, and about half-way through there was a noticeable deepening - felt very stable after this.

2. Shorter sit but very similar to the previous one, except that for a time there was a feeling of even better depth and stability, possibly as deep as I have known before, but otherwise a very flat landscape as previously.

I've tried to stick to on-the-cushion stuff but I think this is relevant to what follows so here goes:


Last night when going to sleep I dozed off, then after a period of time (maybe 10 minutes?) became aware of my mind being in the same state as near the crescendo of the experience of a couple days ago - just the mental aspect without the shaking/energetic stuff.

This was quite a shock and I snapped myself out of it, and turned over to go back to sleep. Then to my surprise I heard my mind saying a few notes - with no volition at all on my part. At this point I was a little disturbed so got up, settled myself and read my book a little longer. Several times over the following 2-3 hours each time I tried to drift off to sleep but it was interrupted or woken by a sensation I normally associate with meditation - boiling in the torso, vibrations, strong head pressure, etc. Eventually got to sleep of course but it was quite unsettling.

Now I have just finished this morning's first sit. Started with subtle body vibrations, similar to yesterday and again mind felt very stable. After a while depth increased, and I felt the very beginnings of something similar to what happened two days ago - this was characterized by: head/brain feeling 'flattened', mind becoming extremely still without volition, heart starts to pump harder, a feeling of numbness/energy rising from my legs/bottom up the body is the initial onset, and with this comes a vague feeling of losing control.

The first time this thing happened, I got through it with determination and an extreme sort of surrender - sort of "it's meditation and can't hurt you". This morning I didn't feel able to do this and tried to back off. Maybe it eased off due to this, or maybe it eased off regardless. Sat with slightly more apparent vibrations for a while and then it came back, stronger. This time I let it go further, and it was accompanied by a strong feeling of my whole body being suspended and on a weird angle, but I was feeling un-confident and fearful that I wasn't prepared for it and tried to balance out these feelings and the disorientation by opening my eyes partially. This caused it to stall a bit, and then ease a little; shortly afterwards I got up.

As I'm sitting writing this my hips and legs are shaking, and it feels very much like if I close my eyes it will immediately happen again. I know I should probably welcome this sort of thing, but I think that the feeling of losing control is what I am finding a bit scary, and lack of sleep makes me feel a lot less strong and able to let go.

Despite how the above sounds, I'm happy to say that yesterday marked a new high for me in terms of confidence in the practice and happiness with how it is improving my day-to-day life. So thanks to Kenneth and everyone here for helping that to occur.

This sounds great, Tim. All of this is unfolding right on schedule. Now notice how much fun it is to have these fascinating phenomena arising. You don't have to do anything about it or try to get rid of it, just notice it and/or note it. It's normal and expected. As long as you notice it, your fine and you will continue to move on to whatever is next. If you don't notice it, you can find yourself coming back to the same experiences even when you have already milked the last drop of goodness from them. Keep up the excellent work!

Kenneth

The phenomena certainly are fascinating, however it hasn't seemed like much fun because as you can see they have had me on the run a bit. I will try and turn this around, work up greater determination and courage to get (note) through whatever is there.

Thanks again Kenneth, your advice is making this do-able.

Ding ding round 2:

Since the previous sit all I had to do was stare at something for a second or two and the familiar strong head compression would begin so I knew that this thing was sitting there waiting for me. There were a couple of false starts but it really started to come on perhaps 10-15mins into the sit.

Previously when it came the feeling of strong (too strong) concentration/depth happened by itself, so instead of outright resistance/avoidance as in the earlier sit I tried pouring energy into mindfulness and noting. At the beginning it took a lot of effort and control was challenging, but it seemed that I could manage the pace of the onset in this way, and it allowed me to let the phenomenon come in sort of slow motion. Early on I experimented by letting the brakes off and letting go and it immediately wanted to take off, but I was able to slow it back down.

Being able to hang out with it revealed that it was primarily a feeling of energy in the body, something like being electrocuted but more diffuse and obviously not as intense. There was a fairly uniform vibratory feel to the body of medium intensity, and also a feeling of insubstantiality. The head felt heavily weighted down and the brain had a feeling of solidity which for me has accompanied strong (well, strong for me) concentration. I sat with this for about 30-40 minutes, and over that time my fear and resistance diminished, confidence increased and the brakes gradually came off. At the same time the intensity of the phenomenon eased and by the end the brakes were basically completely off and things were relatively stable.

I don't know if trying to control the situation is the right choice or not, whether it's had its way with me yet or not, but I do feel way more relaxed about the whole thing and confident of my next encounter.

The feeling returned in this sit but the energetic side of things was very toned down. The head/mental feeling was predominant, and it seems to be like runaway depth. I know that sounds like a good problem to have, but it feels like it leads to the abyss rather than somewhere nice.

In any case, I was more confident and felt a little tinge of regret that I didn't find out where this thing really ends up, so I tried controlled surrender combined with extra energy into mindfulness/noting. This seemed to allow the phenomenon to proceed but nothing very dramatic happened. The brain felt like it was being sucked up at times but not too violently. The body sensations were pretty much the same as before but quite subdued. I still think I am resisting a bit, next time I will try to let go further.

Another sit yesterday:

Something I should have mentioned before, today it feels like I can sit as much as I want with no drowsiness, agitation or any other hindrance. This is definitely not normal for me so I expect this is a feature of what is happening right now.

I sat this evening feeling like the same thing has built up energy and needed to be released. The sit started and it didn't take long for it to show up - lots of energy movement in the body, the head squashing effect was pretty strong, but the body seemed to be the most active.

Tried to let go as much and early as I could, didn't let it rip completely but more so than before. Rode it for perhaps 20-25mins and it settled down. A little while later the landscape seemed to change very slightly (yay!) and the head pressure eased up. The mind maintained the effortless depth and stillness, but there was a floor under it rather than a bottomless pit, and I could actually apply a little effort to stilling it further - a pleasant change. There were a couple of very strong itches, but they didn't last long. Otherwise it just felt like everything had eased up, and I could relax and comfortably watch body sensations.

Woke up today with the feeling that things were back to normal, and when the sit began it seemed like that thing has finished. It now required some effort to still the mind and gain depth. Initially sat with very subtle body vibrations and tingling/swirling. The feeling of slowly increasing depth occurred through the whole sit, and at the peak felt as deep as I have been. About half way through there was a feeling like a very, very toned down version of yesterday's phenomenon, easily noticeable but subtle enough that it was comfortable. After that there was slightly more vibrant tingling/swirling, with a very slight tinge of well-being associated with them.

Around this point I considered that I couldn't see anything to be afraid of here, and wondered whether I was still on guard against something happening like yesterday. I had felt neutral towards the experience, but looking closer I saw that I was actually still sort of ready to resist or somehow protect myself, and I suspect this has been the case all along. I applied effort to truly surrendering to whatever happened, and it seemed like there was a little hard place inside that needed to be dissolved. It slowly improved, and over this time some little bliss waves came up my back. I will work on this again next sit and try to go further.

Again started with subtle body vibrations. Gradually gained depth, and worked on completely giving in to whatever was happening. This effort gradually intensified, and the most useful thing I found was calling to mind the trust I have in the process of falling asleep, and applying that trust to this experience. The most prominent body sensations during this time was energy and pressure around the head.

Eventually there was a change, and it seemed like the effort wasn't needed as much, that there was much more acceptance. At the same time the body vibrations became finer, the energy and pressure around the head decreased a bit, and depth-wise it seemed like I had reached a plateau and a comfortable stability. From there to the end of the sit there were a few feelings of gentle energy, pressure and swirling, I continued to work on trust and acceptance.

Making the most of this (probably temporary) ability to sit whenever I want, I sat three more times today, and all were quite similar:

There were subtle body vibrations to begin with, but the most prominent feature throughout was various kinds of head pressure. After 20m or so there would be some sort of energy movements around the body, but with a focal point at the top of the head. The body felt pretty insubstantial later on, particularly from the waist down. Later in the sits the body vibrations would become finer.

Worked hard on complete surrender and felt like I made some progress. I don't know how I would deal with an extreme event like the ones occurring recently, but I was able to spend some time practicing complete acceptance of my head being crushed from the sides. By the end this felt more integrated and didn't need to pay as much attention to it.

The end of the last sit was a little different. There was a point late in the sit where the whole body seemed to become energy for a time, the head pressure made it feel mushroom shaped, there was the slight impression of perspective change, and a slight feeling of increased depth. The time went very quick and when the bell rang it felt like I could have stayed there for as long as I wanted.

1. Began similarly to the last sits yesterday, however took perhaps a little longer to get started. After I felt I had reached the plateau and stabilized, I extended the surrender to 'wanting deeper concentration', 'wanting progress', etc and tried to release all of that, trusting that these would come by themselves.

After maybe 30 minutes the head pressure became mushroom-shaped, and at about 45 mins it felt like I was just getting somewhere so decided to sit through the timer. The last phase of the sit was characterized by a new feeling of depth and peace with very good clarity. My head felt like it was being pulled forward slowly but firmly, then my consciousness was being pulled out just in front of my head. At the time it came on there was a pricking in the bottom of one of my eyes, like a pin was being poked there - this sounds intense but at the time it was only as hard to handle as a strong itch and it only lasted maybe 10 seconds.

It's hard to describe how this part of the sit felt, the feelings/emotions weren't strong as such, and didn't feel inherent to the experience, but I would say it was like peace and well-being, and some detachment. Curiously, when I got up that little feeling of the mind spinning back into normality didn't happen, it was almost seamless.

2. Similar to last sit except felt like it went further. The whole sit felt like it was focussed on the mental aspects, the body sensations were more towards the background. After about 30m reached the 'peace' of before, felt like some obstruction had fallen away, the mind was steady as a rock and I could see everything and note with ridiculous ease; 'smoothness' and 'purity' came to me at the time. At one point there were clouds of tingly/bubbling which began around the bottom and billowed up my back to my head - not pleasant or unpleasant but fairly strong and it caused a little shaking. The 'peace' faded a little and had to take care of some sticky thoughts, but the mind felt very strong, stable and smooth for the remainder of the sit.

The descriptions of these sits are pretty inadequate, when I get up I am in quiet awe of what happened, I just can't imagine how far this can go.