turtle log

When my brains and nervous system feel fried for several days, it starts
to feel like my self as I've known it is threatened with physical
disintegration. It helps to objectify anything that seems to be
coming apart. It's been this severe several times now and so far
I've come back to about normal. But now when the energy and enthusiasm
of normal healthy me comes back, I can't quite buy into it. Keeping
up the objectifying feels safer than latching back onto what's proven
unreliable.

I've always recoiled from the idea of "who am I?" practice, preferring the
Zen version, "what is this?". After Kenneth suggested it again 2 or 3 weeks
ago I waded into it and hit the aversion, but this time decided to jump in
the imagined cess pool of I and just experience and question as much of the
whole mess as I could. After the initial shock it just felt like I was
learning yet again how to welcome more of what's already happening to, uh,
happen.

This coincided with maybe a couple of weeks where I just felt raw and coming
into touch with my basic stance of fearfulness. And excruciatingly
aware of the self-absorbed survival strategizing I spend most of my energy
on and how this leaves little direct sensitivity and responsiveness left
for the reality of other people. Settling some into the seeming facts of
that (and not immediately escaping into how I will no longer be like that
someday when I'm enlightened) was harder than "Who am I?" but again didn't
kill me.

I went thru several days absolutely convinced that I had terribly offended
several people and went to the effort to make ammends with most of them,
only to find that it was partly imaginary. But the effort seemed good.
I'm on vacation and visiting some family with whom I've had some difficulty.
I've been moved to do some uncharacteristically creative things to reach
out to them with apparently healing effect.

During the winter it seemed like my hara area was waking up more while
sitting, but my chest seemed flat and lifeless. The last couple of weeks
it feels like there is some activity going on the chest area. Yesterday
it felt similar to when the hara was waking up. Today it was very
uncomfortable and intensely constricted with nausea. I think I cut it short
by getting worried and taking my pulse etc to scope out whether I was
having a heart attack.

I've been having this thing where I feel completely weak and vulnerable
and isolated, and like my socially identity is coming apart. It feels
so convincing. A few hours later it can feel real different, that kind
of urge-fully oblivious self-confidence comes back. So, I've been
getting some patience with it.

Meditation-wise it seems difficult to zero-in and try to get granular
with specific sensations. Just going with a general approach to the
body and trying to keep detailed noting of particular presenting
sensations going, even though not concentrating on them.

I know I have more noticing off the cushion lately but a lot of
ambition that I should try to be present all the time, so a fair amount
of disatisfaction about it. I'll try to start catching that for noting.

Back to vacationing.

The past week I've been sticking with just noting practice,
on and off the cushion (when I can remember), out loud or
whispered when it won't disturb anyone, or I won't be caught
and look crazy. Noting out loud while walking, though,
can get absorbing enough that getting caught does
happen. Is that what they mean when they say
you have to be a fool to become enlightened?

Heavy on 1st F: almost always starting with
tension, pressure, tightness, pain in head, face, neck
& shoulders then some releasing there. Eventually,
different body energies that tend to become more pleasant.
I tend to go lite on 2nd F, have to prioritize that more.

With enough time sights, mental images, eventually volitions
and sounds. Sometimes thoughts come much more into view,
especially when I had 2 days of flying last week, which
were like all day sittings.

I've been noticing a connection between a thought getting going
and my face tensing up. Noting the tension for awhile until
it usually releases, discovered that the releasing of facial/head
tension can be kind of like "paying the toll" and letting go
of the held thought. Particularly interesting to play with
this while having opinion-stirring discussions with my parents last
week.

Vacation gave me a chance to focus on off the mat practice. Noticed
that with a thought train running, my body would be off balance and
some joint or limb would be contracted or contorted. Coming back to
the moment with the body-noting would allow the body to loosen and
line up naturally again, momentarilly.

Remembered the Pali word papanca, "mental proliferation". A few times
I was struck the last couple of weeks how allowing the mind
to start a "harmeless" little thought train can pretty quickly
escalate into a complex mental-physical-emotional-identification mess.
Experiencing the hassle of this was a big motivation at those times
to keep up the noting.

Tues a.m. 45 mins. Usual range of tension, tightness, pain, releasing. Not much itching.
Some pleasant energies. A few times the focusing sensation in the forehead or hara.
Most of the sitting felt Off. Like I was catching all the sensations slightly after
they had actually happened. I thought that while I was on vacation I was more often
being with sensations as they came up and right with them as they happened. (And jumping
to the next one coming up, rather than seeing endings, which I'm not sure if ever see.)
Had dissatisfied and comparing thoughts. Managed to note some of them.
Gave up fighting it toward the end.

During the night it occurred to me to appreciate some of the efforts this person makes.

Wed a.m. 65 mins. Surprised at the start by lack of tension and tightness feelings.
Enjoyed feelings of softness and ease but unsure if I was really noting something.
Played with the line between relaxing/allowing and hyper-vigilance. Noting out loud.
Felt kind of compassionate toward myself and soft with the body.

I really like the way you report, your honesty is inspiring and your descriptions of what goes on at a personal level are really cool.

+1

"+1

"

You beat me to it, Mu...

+1

Wow, thanks guys! Your enthusiasm inspires me to practice more!

"During the night it occurred to me to appreciate some of the efforts this person makes."

I think this attitude is probably very helpful to your practice. Every time I do metta, which isn't often enough, I see very clearly how unkind I am to myself on a regular basis--so much judgment, etc. The more of this friendly and empathetic attitude, the better, methinks...

Thanks, Joel. I bet that's very good advice. I always think metta isn't going to get me to 1st path, and when I get paths I'll start to experience the real Brahma Viharas. But my actual experience is that limited forays into metta have uncovered blocks and blind spots that I don't usually get in touch with otherwise.

Thurs & Fri: one of those weeks where, what had been starting to feel like new
practice doors opening, felt like the door getting closed by the press of
busy circumstances. One difference, I'm trying not to settle back
into my favorite story line that believes my circumstantial
commitments always keep letting the steam out of my practice.
I got a glimpse of that story line, recently, for how it functions as a
self perpetuating physio-energetic loop. The thoughts still present in a
solid seeming way, so I'm trying to cutlivate the memory that they're penetrable
by seriously applying noting to them more often when they come up.

Sat a.m. and p.m. 1 hour each. Out loud noting. Lots of buzzy energy. Continuity
was only fair. Nothing subtle. Just putting in the time and effort.

During the day, though, went with my daughters to the packed mall and almost
enjoyed it. Garish sensations felt kind of soft and insulated by noting. While
standing around for a long time outside changing rooms, did "out loud" style
noting internally. (Seems like routine noting out loud starts to power assist the
internal noting sometimes.) Got very settled into my body overall, so that I
could expand sense of awareness to the area of the busy department store,
and then started catching some of my mental movements as people walked by etc.
Very fun to get a practice-edge state while standing eyes-open in the busy-ness.

Sun a.m.: bargained with impatient family to wait while I got my a.m. sitting in
before jumping out on extra early errands. Compromised on 45 mins. Had an hour drive
alone, so did out loud noting, trying to catch all the flexes and presses on peddles,
arm and hand changes with steering, contact pressures with the seat, tightning and
releasing in the face and head, difference between self image and facial sensations.
Trying to catch instances of seeing, and noting images of what might come around
the next bend. At one point experience of the road seemed a little uncomfortably
discontinous, like maybe the mind usually imposes a smooth flow that, I don't know,
can be experienced as coming in more choppy visual pieces?

(edit: Which makes sense if you think about how it would look to jerk a camera around the
way we put our head through quick, reactionary motions all the time. And add to that the way
the eyes flit around. This is probably totally obvious to most here, but if you're noting, I think you
just start to see that sometimes.)

I've been doing driving meditation for years and been freaked by that kind
of thing before, but this time I felt more relaxed and thought "it's the same familiar
road and my body must know how to drive it either way". Traffic was light and I
think it wasn't too unsafe. (Maybe I should add that, although I'm still a confused,
pre-path meditator, I've had over-the-road driving jobs and fair amount of practice with
seeing the body while also seeing the road. Maybe experienced yogis can give wiser
meditating-while-driving cautions.)

It's encouraging that these meditative states can come up sometimes in my otherwise
embedded thought loops. But reporting only the brief high points of the practice day feels
like over-dramatizing sometimes.

Sometimes it hits me how baby-steps my practice is compared to the attainments
of many people here, and then I don't feel like public journaling much at all.
But everytime I ease off on the logging, I notice the heat isn't as high
and steady under my practice either. Seems childish, but I guess it's
accountability 101. So, just for my own sake, back to trying to fit in
daily journaling again.

Work and family schedules have been heavy the last week or so and my practice
feels like it's lost the momentum I've had, despite continuing to sit everyday.

It's actually encouraging in a left handed way to see my concentration and
mindfulness hit the skids because then I realize how much I had managed to
get going. It always seems 1/2 empty while I'm doing it, except during the
brief overt A&P phases. So, back to the routine of ramping it up to the best
level I can pull off under the circumstances, and keep it as steady as I can
until I'm knocked on my butt again.

This has been my routine for years, but it's way better during the last year+
that I've been working with Kenneth. So I'm a little bit hopeful things
could change.

Thurs a.m. 50 mins sitting, 10 standing. Spent most of the hour noticing my
posture (1/2 lotus) and trying to understand how it hangs together, or fails
to. What might be causing tension, stress etc. Looking for clues on how to
do the posture better. I always sit with right leg up but need to work on
being able to go either way, and maybe even work toward full lotus. I'm
guessing it's harder to settle in with 1/2 because of the imbalance, which
I'm feeling more with age.

Candle kasina practice was derailed by a bunch of migraines last month.
(Can't do that practice with migraines.) But I think the concentration
was helping my practice. Migraines have been more subdued, so trying
again.

Thurs pm: 20 mins candle kasina. Poor to fair concentration.
Fri am: 40 mins candle kasina. 15 mins. Noting. Remarkably bad
concentration. Can't remember any time in several months I've been
this lost in thought. Does not feel at all like DK instability.
Just rampant thought trains.

Fri p.m. - Since it was late and to head off drowsies, exercised
energetically for 45 mins then sat doing noting as usual but with
loud rock classics in ear phones. Didn't focus on the music, just
treated it as incidental background sensations.

Did try to intently and rapidly note any evocative images, nostalgia
feelings, energy rushes or other standard reactions stirred up by the
background music, mainly returning to physical sensations. Awareness
felt very energized and seemed to become minute to fine, changing
sensations, including emotions and images, even sometimes thoughts.
Sat for 90 mins. Didn't go to bed until midnight, but could have
gone longer.

Sat pm - didn't get an a.m. sit, and pretty late before getting a p.m.
sit break. So, reprised the exercise, then sitting with rock classics.
This time alternated silent periods, until drowsy, then some
cranked music. This kept me quite alert for 80 mins or so. Both
nights felt like I could sit 1/2 lotus indefinitely, without stretches
of posture disatisfaction. Noting aloud, again awareness seemed
relatively acute, precise, energetic much of the time. Sensations
seemed fine, vibratory, energetic. Focused on noting visual field,
self imaging, and head sensations for awhile, since when not objectified
I seem to default identify with that combination.

Sun am - 50 mins. Interuptions, agitation, unsettled. But tried sticking
with it, even with interruptions, just noting the parts of what felt like
a meditation failure until I couldn't take it any longer.

Sun mid-day. 1/2 hour. Everyone gone briefly. A chance to not out loud, Loud,
not just whispering. No posture anxiety. Lots of itches, some appealingly
bright. Spent more time than usual hanging with particular areas, watching
what came next after a presenting sensation. Tension and pressure in the
head. Got the usual sudden drawing of energy to the lower center forehead
that forces the eyes to focus toward the tip of the nose. (I used to label
this "intensity" until Kenneth suggested "concentration", which wouldn't
have occurred to me since I'm regarding it as just another changing
sensation.) Had some mildly pleasant energy across my trunk, and also
the less common, and briefer, but more pleasurable focusing "intensity" in
the hara area. Feels like an area not much bigger than a quarter.

Different this time was some pleasurable energy intensities in the
perineum. Tried to just note and objectify all these. Noted some states
and thoughts, anticipating, remembering, planning.

Taking my daughters to zoo, tried to note physical sensations, especially
difference between self image and head sensations, and note the changes
of the head sensations (tensing, relaxing).

Man, just read Antero's moving advice to Meekan! Will keep that in mind.
Doesn't seem to be where I'm at right this minute, might be entering
into the more shallow, fun of an onset A&P (or A&P-like) phase.
Presumably DKs will at least try to follow.

Sun p.m. Despite looming Monday a.m. sat for an hour late after exercise
again. 1st 1/2 listened to loud rock music (head phones) that I like.
Noted out loud, trying to focus on body sensations without particularly
getting carried away by the music. Had the realistic feeling that
there were other beings bumping around in the room. This happened
Friday and Saturday too, that I could here and feel their vibrations.
This time had images of them attacking me and felt vividly one of my
chronic fears of being eaten alive. Just noted the sensations, without
opening my eyes this time to confirm what was in the room or not.

That passed and felt like my body was very energized and awareness
was detailed at vibratory level. Became gradually more aware of my
body as a whole until got a strong sense of it as an energy body.
Turned the music off and noticed my usual habits of low energy picking
out sensations to notice. Tried bringing the awareness up to the energy
level again to notice the energy body and was possible to do so by
applying some effort and energy. Made me wonder about the difference
between rousing energy and my version of passive quiet choiceless
awareness.

Mon a.m. 35 mins. Spent most of it examing my posture and looking for
more clues about how to sit with proper balance and alignment. But then
tried to evoke the energy body again and was briefly, mildly successful.

"Had the realistic feeling that
there were other beings bumping around in the room. This happened
Friday and Saturday too, that I could here and feel their vibrations.
This time had images of them attacking me and felt vividly one of my
chronic fears of being eaten alive. Just noted the sensations, without
opening my eyes this time to confirm what was in the room or not." -Kacchapa

This is good practice, Kacchapa. Another variation on the theme is to invite the imaginary beings to eat their fill. After all, it doesn't hurt you a bit! The imaginary body that is being eaten by imaginary beings is invulnerable, so let them have their fun. You can radiate metta to them while they are chowing down and also feel sympathetic joy at their good fortune at having such a delicious meal.

I used to do this a lot and I found it quite freeing. If anything, the beasties are eating away your tension and pain.

Best,

Kenneth

Wow, that's radical. Never would have thought of that. Thanks, Kenneth!

haha, I thought this guy () was a little crazy when he talked about this, but it seems like it might be common. enjoy it, kacchapa!

-John

Thanks, John! That was interesting.

Mon pm 50 mins. mostly candle kasina followed by some noting. Had to make an effort to get any concentration, but not drowsy.

Tues am 40 mins. candle kasina. A lot of effort but very scattered. Frequently felt pretty concentrated for moments at a time, but couldn't connect the dots.
Switching 1/2 lotus to the unfamiliar side worked fine. Almost no worrying or fidgeting about posture.

At work: frequently remembered to be mindful and then couldn't do it. Like I couldn't remember how.

PM: 30 mins. Candle kasina. Right off felt lucid, calm and happy, and then started falling asleep for a few seconds,
awake for 5 seconds, alternating the whole time.