turtle log

P.M. during a 40 min drive I was noticing relaxing from focus or organizing and expecting continuity from sensations. Sensations of thought, mental image and intent tended to be most apparent. Just letting that be and then space in my trunk, feeling of hands and feet might present on their own, not looking for them. Judging and worrying thoughts, am I really being mindfull, it was possible to let them go and just come back without expecting the relaxing out of the thoughts, or trying to make it, last. This is new and not yet familiar -- letting go of deciding if I'm doing it right and how it can keep it going or do better in the future.

A.M. 50 mins. Reading betawave's journal, I realized he was talking about unintential day dream drifting, not drowsiness. Pleasant drowsiness waves this time happening in my limbs rather than accross the trunk. Tried to make minimum effort to avoid spinning off into thought trains but not to direct what was going on. I noticed not having a sense of purpose. Notably unfamiliar but felt ok. Afterwards I was thinking that investigation has been unusually prominant over tranquility lately. It was tempting to judge that insight states were weak and transient or imaginary, noted it and tried to see if I could let the judgements go.

A.M. 50mins outside on my porch following sounds and occasionally noting predominant body sensations. But mostly focusing on catching changes, and beginnings and endings of as many sounds as I could notice. I felt like emphasizing concentration, also noting from the constant supply of image production from the sounds. I dedicated the merit of the sitting to the earnest, continuous practice and realization of all beings, may we all support each other in attaining enlightment. (no kidding) When I entered the house a family member said something I regarded as rude and instantly tense angry energy shot up and filled my head and arms. I managed to keep my mouth shut but not without dripping some passive aggressive. Tried to direct metta toward the angry energy and images in my head, which worked well in traffic yesterday. But noticed that I didn't actually want to let the anger go completely. As I was tugging back and forth with that, intellect kicked in and realized that the way my family member experienced and pictured the situation was very different than how I did. She couldn't know the rules she had violated in my personal universe, just that I was responding to her rightful request by emanating coldly prickly a**hole energy. It's been 20 mins and the anger vibrations are still settling down. *Maybe* the sitting helped subdue my inner reptile, hard to say.

Updating the log so I don't lose track of the chronology. Sitting around 1.5 hours daily but my practice has been getting a beating this month. A few years ago my neurologist told me I have an over-reactive brain and nervous system. When it's bad, (at least this is the way I remember the explanation), cortext neurons over-react and blow their electrolytes out of whack and become inactive for a couple of minutes, and this may even cause some oxygen deprivation before a big blood surge tries to return things to normal, which tends to cause a migraine and a lot of wierd neurological symptoms. Even with meds this has been spriraling out of control until my brain felt fried all the time. Fortunately a week of prednisone chilled things back down this week. I've been trying to find ways to find some practice space around unpleasant and frightening states. Many of the practice resources I've developed don't seem to be available when my brain is in trouble. Some new apparently unrelated metabolic problems are also aggravating this to the point where I realize how precious it is to have the physical capability to practice. The last couple of days have been coming back more to normal, and it feels great to be able to concentrate and investigate again.

I've been drawn to more metta and even devotional kind of practice. Like when I wake up anxious instead of trying to note the sensations, I've been mentally chanting om mani padme hum (just because I could remember that one) in the heart space and that's been replacing the anxiety with a positive state. I'd like to do more of this, brahma viharas and that kind of thing. Also I've been trying to notice which practice is more appropriate to what's goin on. If my concentration is shot then switch from listening to sounds to noting unpleasant states, mind states, feeling tone, sensations.

So sorry to hear about your problems, man...
And with all of this, you persist in practicing!
Wishing that things ease up on you!!
Lots of metta,
-meek

Much appreciated meekan, thank you. Things have eased up! Apologies for posting so much at once but I want to keep track of some things for any cycles and practice themes later.

When my brains were fried and perceptions and awareness felt scrambled, I focused on feet or heart area to get out of chaotic head states. I could get a settled concentration listening to the Gelugpa monks chanting on youtube. And this made me feel less alone and plugged into a deeper practice than just my own.

Up to 30% of the population globally have at least an infrequent form of this that can show up for a few years before going away. 5 to 10% may have a chronic and/or long duration, and more debilitating form. Since that's a lot and it impacts practice here's a little more content to relate how I've dealt with it. Google on "complex migraine" and "neuronal spreading depression". Sorry if the stuff about brain damage is scarey but it might be best to know and see a neurologist and maybe take meds etc. When I found out I fit the worse profile for brain lesions and ischemia that stirred up a lot of fear and intense aversion to opening attention to it, but I remembered Kenneth often saying "There are no exceptions; anything you note fuels your awakening. And any experience can be noted". So I shifted from trying to do listening, which was almost impossible when I felt so contracted, more to noting so I could objectify aversive states. I figured if I can still think that my brain and sometimes consciousness itself are being scrambled, then it's still possible to note the fearful thoughts and feelings and fearsome sensations. This has been more possible since the sensations have been less unpleasant. Chris has advised that "biology trumps practice" so I think it's good to consider meds because a big dose of cortisone (shudders to us natural health nuts) really helped me, as well as the maintenance meds.

Last week in a meditation, chanting and prayer service at a Kriya/Christian yoga center I found myself not as able to resist and contain strange Christian energies I bottled up years ago with Buddhist practice after my 1st, explicitly Christian, A&P around age 15. They've never made sense to me and have always felt threatening. I figured once I was grounded in emptiness I'd let them do their thing and not get caught in them, which hasn't happened. I felt that suppressing them could be an impediment so didn't resist some of it coming out and noticed that my heart felt more open and I felt more relaxed the next day. My next 2 or 3 sittings were about heart space and surrender. A close friend is a Christian minister who had a deep awakening thru the heart 3 years ago, that has continued to where he is losing his sense of agency and will, surrendering to "God's will". We were talking and I started feeling gravitationally pulled from the heart. His patient presence and his occassionally bringing me back to the experience when I'd start spinning out into thinking helped me let go of my attempt to hang onto to control by weighing and judging my experience and let go of my resistance to allowing the unknown.

2 hours sitting yesterday. I went to a prayer service my friend was leading yesterday to give any opening a chance to continue and had continual drowsiness. No big heart openings, but there was an unusual objectification of drowsiness, that seemed naturally part of letting go, that tenuously reappered when I'd come back up for a few seconds between dips of sleepiness.

This a.m. 1 hour. Chris suggested more concentration so I've been directing attention to my toes. 1st I use the image of the toe to find it and then feel into specific tactile sensations, then the inner energy sensations. Once I did the whole foot, but today I felt relaxed and patient and took an hour to get through the 1st 3 pairs of toes, starting with the big ones. 1st the left ones, feeling the tip, under the toenail, sides, underside and meticulously up the toe to the joint where it meets the foot. I do this with left side of my brain then switch to the right side and do the right toe. Eventually alternated with the meditation pulse between right and left brain/toe, then try to keep both at the same time from the center of my body, sometimes using the hara sensation to pull to the center. I noticed some background energetic sensations that are in the foreground when I'm trying to do investigation from the head, but returned to the toe. My thoughts about journaling were running most of the time and mostly didn't bother me, but when they did I switched more from a lightly concentrated focus to detailed noting focus. It felt like nice and low-key fun today.

Man, so tough stuff to deal with... I am so glad to hear about things easing up!
Sounds like you have a good thing going with Chris too!

Rooting for ya

Thank you meekan. It's funny how after a week of being "back to normal" I'm already feeling like this is normal and getting a little complacent about the last round of bad stuff, which is likely to cycle around again. And when it does, it's hard to remember that it will pass! Yeah, very fortunate to be working with Chris!

a.m. 1hr10mins. Started to think about how to begin the sit but my mind took off on its own focusing on train sounds. I noted among 4 fluctuating tones in the sound, and noticed second-to-second changes but couldn't note them at that speed.

I had a thought to surrender my efforts to something bigger, and started noting my impulses to make an effort or change the experience, judgement thoughts and feelings of disatisfaction. I felt a need for a light touch, following the sensations as they came to me rather than going out hunting for them. It was difficult to find a balance between spacing on parts of what was going on, and manipulating with heavy handed noting.

I started feeling and seeing an image of sensuously smooth pleasant energy that seemed to be be in both body and mind. Habitual anxiety bursts caused ripples in it but didn't displace it. Somehow I ended up investigating the image of mental space in the energy and that felt cutting edge. Can't quite remember what that was actually like. This sense of things stayed with me for up to 1/2 hour getting ready for work but back to normal trying to remember some 5% while working.