turtle log

I'm getting latently very frustrated about the years, now
decades, of rarely being able to go to retreats. If I'd
been able jump into 1/2 of the ones I craved I bet I'd have
path(s) by now. Maybe this year I'll get to
work out a week of retreat. If so, I'll bust my butt,
even more than last time, year & 1/2 a ago, when I got
a pretty strong A&P. My vipassana teachers were pleased,
and even my Zen teacher said "sounds promising". Then
back to the rat race, just trying to keep my head
above water. O' woe art me . Wasn't working
with Kenneth yet then so didn't have a good
strategy for going forward.

Kenneth's teaching is the only way I've found that might
work for householder wanna be sages. Got to find ways
to start noting regularly out loud, definitely seems more effecitve.

Friday p.m. 30+ mins. Had insomnia most of Thurs night, but
didn't feel tired Friday when everyone went to bed, so
stayed up and sat fairly alertly. Not expected.

Sat a.m. about an hour. Interrupted by household getting active.
Would like to have sat twice as long. Just noting, mostly
physical sensations, some feeling tone and a little bit on
thoughts. A lot of unpleasant sensations and some neutral.
I wondered about Kenneth's comment that neutral sensations
might be from just not paying enough attention. Then it
turned to a wave of pleasant sensations that stuck around
for a bit. Compared to that it seemed clearer that my
unpleasant sensations were likely more unpleasant than
I wanted to let on. Maybe unconsciously defensive.

Recently there's been a change where I don't feel like
I'm looking at sensations with my (closed) eyes. I
think it's like relaxing into the fact that sensations
are already all there. So it's more a matter, I guess,
of being present rather than going looking for them.
But "being present" (not how I've been thinking of it)
isn't feeling like something to do but more like
settling in. Another way to describe might be that
instead of trying to shine a bright narrow flashlight,
noticing that sensations are already emanating infrared
in the dark.

When I only got to sit 25 mins one day recently, I noticed
that this sense got weaker and that's when I became aware
that it's become kind of normal lately even sometmes when
not sitting. Don't know if it's worth writing home about,
but it's different. I probably get too interested in states.

Very interesting insight. It sounds quite familiar.

Keep it up. Your journal is really interesting!

At one point noticed that my forehead and hara area were
briefly pulsing pleasurably at the same time, seemingly
sympathectically. Then noticed pleasurable "chi" waking
up in the pelvic floor and through the juncture of each
leg. It seemed kind of funny how obvious the abdomen and
pelvis were, like just plainly there without having to
search for them. Kind of a "doh!" at the time. (Won't
remember what I was dohing about later.)

The pelvic chi reminded me of my last retreat where I felt
very conscious of my whole posture and body at once. I
went with the temptation to deliberately see if I could
do that but then lay back and see what would happen.

Didn't feel at all deep or especially concentrated. Had
a chance to note out loud for a few minutes and had
trouble matching words with details.

Thanks mumuwu! Glad to hear it sounds like not a wrong direction.

Sunday: helping a family member with a programming project,
ended up taking 15 hours from 7:30am to 1:30am. Did however
get a much-appreciated 1/2 hour to sit. Similar as before,
where it felt like bodily sensations, seeing, hearing,
and somewhat mental images and volitions, but not usually
thoughts, were fairly discernable in overview; but it helped
prevent the constant tendency to space out to note from
among the sensations anyway. Didn't feel like a deep or
concentrated state, very ordinary except for the recent
laid back, overview sense of sensations.

Monday: just 5 hours sleep and no a.m. sitting. Oddly felt more
present than usual at work. Had an after hours standing
meditation in the office where the body and mental activity
seemed unusually objectified and witnessable. It was so
interesting to be able briefly to observe mental activity
behaving naturally in the wild, so to speak, that I didn't want
to miss its next move, and stayed still so as not to interfere.
Maybe my usual rules about how things are supposed to be
(decent sleep, enough time for a semi-long a.m. sitting etc)
being blown out of the water loosened things up in some way.

Tuesday a.m., 1 hr. Tensions, pressures, tingling, itching,
mild energy waves, 3:1 unpleasant to pleasant ratio. The
sitting felt mostly like a chance to practice noting in
3rd nana.

Wed thru Fri, days of insomnia, increasing fatigue.
Concentration seems low so used abbreviated sitting
time for candle gazing.
Wednesday a.m. I was amazed by inability to
concentrate. I forgot how bad it can get.
Could rarely count to 3. Seemed like I
was returning pretty quickly but keeping it
for only a breath or 2.
Also not able to force concentration.
Only made it to 10 2 or 3 times.

Thursday & Friday a.m.s not a lot better,
though I was more relaxed about it.
Better concentration during the evening
sits each of those days, except Friday
when I tried sitting through a migraine.

I was alert and had good attention, so
tried to open to the unusual range of
migraine symptoms for 1/2 hour of noting,
but eventually couldn't take that much
unpleasantness.

Around 2am-ish the ghosts of karma past
showed up to roast me with my increasing
shortcomings and accumulating bad karma.
Though their arguments seemded pretty
solid, tried objectifying the thoughts
with noting. Felt kind of guilty that
it worked somewhat, like I ought to be
squirming in my shame rather than
escaping into sensations.

Woke up and noted the habitual silly
enthusiasm of morning, and noted
its competitor, the image of sick me,
suffering from waning migraine. I love
the way sticky stuff like that breaks
up some with noting.

"When the yogi attains to the crest of the wave in the fourth ñana, he believes that he has arrived at his destination. From here on in, he reasons, life should be a breeze. Even if he has been warned, he does not believe the warnings. He is completely unprepared for what is to come and is blindsided by the fury of the tenth ñana, which consists of the four previous ñanas of fear, misery, disgust, and desire for deliverance repeating themselves in a seemingly endless loop, and worse with each iteration. In addition, the strong concentration of the fourth ñana seems to have disappeared; there is no respite from the unpleasantness and negative mind states that flood the body and mind.

Actually, the yogi is even more concentrated than before, but he is accessing unstable strata of mind that are not conducive to restful mind states or happy thoughts. The yogi obsesses about his progress, is sure that he is back-sliding, and devises all manner of strategies to "get back" what he has lost. The meditation teacher does his best to reassure the yogi that he is still on track, but to no avail. The best approach at this point is to come clean with the yogi, lay the map on the table, and say "You are here. I know it isn't easy, but it does not last forever. If you continue to practice, you will see through these unpleasant phenomena, just as you have seen through every phenomenon that has presented itself so far. You are here because you are a successful yogi, not because you are a failure. Let the momentum of your practice carry you as you continue to sit and walk and apply the vipassana technique."
kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/page/The+...sight+%28Part+Two%29

Thanks mumuwu, I've been considering this for a few days. I always thought of my practice as a tea kettle that warms up, maybe even starts to steam, but always cools off before it gets a chance to boil. The idea that I'm a "chronic achiever" (or under achiever by KFD standards) hadn't occurred to me, but it seems plausible. " ... he hits a wall at the tenth, and can easily spend years there." I can think of things that support that idea. Understanding that may be what's going on could make a difference. Thank you.

Sat am, about an hour. Noting tail end of migraine. Felt spacey and drifty, almost pleasantly drugged,
but didn't do horribly bad with continuity of noting. An unfamiliar state.

Sunday am, really felt like doing candle concentration (while counting my breath for feedback as usual).
Even though I had a really hard time getting to 10, and only got to 20 once, felt like it was useful,
so did it for the whole hour. Would have been happy to keep going, but household started getting up.


Sunday pm, nasty little cold and renewed migraine, couldn't sleep.
Such a panoply of energetically unpleasant symptoms that I was pretty aversively wakeful
so sat for a pretty long time. Felt like accepting the strong sensations and noting them
took me fairly below the idea of how bad this was and gave me some respite in the detail layer,
as long as I could keep letting go of the resistance.

Monday slept late and when I felt a bit better spent hours learning a new programming language
before I sat for 1st time, so my energy felt dissipated, and sickly symtoms setting back in.
But rare situation where I had a room to myself, so noted out load sick sensations,
which were strong and unpleasant. A lot of tightness, pain, tension, painful pressures, stretching,
releasing, relaxing, centering, waves of sickly tingling, itches, several instances of intensely pleasurable energy
in an area about the size of walnut about 4 finger below the navel. This only started a couple of months ago,
this kind of thing always used to happen only in my forehead.

Sights, sounds, mental images, memories, intensions. Noting intension to relax,
and intension to try to just allow without focusing.
Eventually it was challenging to note out loud because I was in a bit of
overall-view mode, not sure how to note that, and then sensations became pretty fast
and granular or vibratory. I was really impressed that I could get from scattered to that speed and level of detail
in only 50 minutes with noting aloud. Looking forward to warmer weather so I can sit in the attic.
It would be incredible to have a week of self retreat to note out loud.

I could only take 50 minutes of such aversive feelings. After I got up the dissipation and hanging
out in the conceptual layer reasserted itself pretty much.

Tuesday only 10 mins a.m. and a few minutes p.m. Despite no chance to sit,
unusually mindful at work today. Occassionally I just note "feeling"
when moving around, focusing on body feelings. It's interesting to
apply "feeling" to mental images. "Seeing" can sometimes
accentuate a sense of looking out. "Feeling" can put the
images, like self image, on same level as body feelings
and feel more like they're being passively observed.

Wed & Thurs a.m. nearly an hour I think of candle gazing,
anchored in breath counting. Concentration not so
good Wed, but better on Thurs.

Friday a.m. 50 mins. Candle gazing/breath counting.
Concentration was best it's been in awhile. Usually
I'll count in & out breath "1,2" then say "now let's
get to 4", and try to keep up my resolve with
each breath. Today I got up to 20 or 30 breaths
a few times without losing it.
No special feelings or states, just pretty good
concentration. Maybe just that I've been
devoting full sittings to it for 4 days.

This week it's been feeling more like time
off the mat is more workable as a practice
opportunity than it usually feels.

Sat a.m. 1 hour candle gazing with breath counting as feedback.
I still had some lingering resistance to applying active
cognitive activity to meditation, but I experienced some
of it's value today. In the past I've found that just
counting 1 to 10 & starting over didn't keep me from
drifting. Same with just staring at a candle.

Combining staring with background breath counting as far
as I high as I can count has really helped boost my concentration.
This time I added making a resolve with each breath like "I will
experience the candle completely with this breath", without
losing count, and varying wording of the resolve.
Cognitive overload! There was almost nothing left to do but
concentrate. Once, I got up to 189 breaths before being
uncertain if I was on 190 or 191!

Too me this seemed very worth writing home about, but
my state was not mind blowing. No bliss or rapture.
Felt like usual 3rd to 4th nana transition in the
background. I did get more relaxed while still
concentrated. Toward the end my focus expanded on
its own to include the whole round candle top
rather than just the flame. That's about it.
Did feel more mindful than usual during the day.

Sunday am 1 hour candle gazing, and 1 hour of privacy to note out loud.
Experienced some resistence to concentrating today. Initially had
some unpleasant feelings, but managed to summon the cognitive
overload trick from Saturday to get fair concentration.

Followed with noting aloud. Can't remember many details, except
that continuity was comparitively very good. I found it
enjoyable to have pretty good vipassana but couldn't help
comparing it to ones that felt sharper recently. I do get a
kick out of being able to pretty clearly discern the
details of the drowsy state while noting out load.

Mon a.m. Didn't get a chance to sit this a.m. but did get a
45 min walk to work mostly alone thru a park and a cemetary.
Noted out loud the whole away and amazed at the continuity
possible. It's usually disappointing how much of a mindfulness
opportunity is lost in thought while walking.

Noting aloud the walk felt as meditative or more than a lot
of sits. Noted pressure, strain, tension, pains, itches,
cold, warm, soft, flexing, stretching, releasing, more
itches. 2/3's thru pleasant waves of energy and all the
sensations that had been tension & strain kind of melted
into release and ease. Felt calm and unusually happy
(my baseline is morose and anxious). Everything internal
seemed relaxed, peaceful, light and at ease. The start
of any tension was seen and relaxed. Toward the end
it became less overtly happy and more peaceful.

Had some trouble on how to note when view included
sensations around the body, or when sensations were
granular or rapid. Ended up with "searching for a word"
or "investigating" a fair amount.

Walking into work it was interesting to watch my usual
neuroses come up and falter some in the peacefulness.
For a few minutes anyway.

Mon PM: 45 min walk after work, attempted continuous detailed noting
like Monday morning. Waiting at a busy, rush hour intersection, I felt
highly relaxed and inward, absorbed in detailed noting, while waiting
to cross the street. Resumed fast, continuous noting of pressure,
flexing, relaxing, pressure, itching, tension. Thought that it
wasn't feeling as precise or strong as a.m. Then I realized I had
forgotten to not out loud, though the internal noting felt almost
as loud. On reaching my car, continued noting minute movements and
continuous sensations while driving. Too absorbed to feel
competitive or any urge to race with the other cars.

Tues a.m. 1 hour, half candle gazing, half noting. My eyes wanted
to close and watch the after image that always turns into about
a 5 millimeter bordered circle with a luminous inner space on which
geometric, neon-electric shapes continuosly move around and change
shape, like a screen saver, very detailed but very small. Takes
awhile to describe so I don't usually mention it. I don't get
as concentrated watching that as the flame, but it rests the
eyes and interesting to try to notice all of the changes. Nick
suggested trying to notice when a shape ends before replaced by
the next one. Couldn't catch that this time. Usually can't.

Noting was mostly pulsing today. The "hara" region was pretty
pronounced for longer than usually, so felt the pulsing and
pendulum body rocking from there. Sometimes the hara and forehead
pleasurable feelings seemed to resonate with each other at the
same time. Noting out loud "pulse, pulse" sent vibrations into
my chest and abdomen. Can't remember if I noted those, or just
enjoyed them.

I wonder if I managed somehow to get myself back down into
A&P zone after kind of unwittingly flirting with DK zone
2 and 3 weeks ago. I've been suspicious for a long time
that I've developed mostly unconscious defense strategies
for avoiding unpleasant states. I wonder if I could
be in a "chronic achiever" pattern, maybe for a long time.

I've been continuing with some candle-kasina followed by
noting, out loud when possible. Trying to extend this
more into off the cushion.

On Kenneth's suggestion, I've also been trying to observe
the self-image like a kasina, since it's always hanging around.
Also questioning Who am I?, utilizing more of the 3 speeds.

The past several days, health issues have provided new
material, maybe even contributed to some new direction,
for practice.

Since meeting with Kenneth a few days ago, often questioning
"who am I?" unless I feel too scattered, then drop down to
noting. That's when off the cushion.

While sitting, I usually just do noting, and have become addicted to
out loud noting, even if it's just a whisper.

Last week, had to suddenly stop antiseizure meds (side-effect false alarm)
for a migraine disorder I have. It's been a rough week.
Mix of cold-turkey and revenge of the migraines (combined
with deadlines at work). Mostly this puts a damper on journaling.
Seems almost like a good thing for awareness practice. It's easier
to not suffer when you're being present (like they always say!).

Noting has worked throughout the 10 days of this though. Daily mindfulness has had
more presence and continuity than usual. Might be from outloud noting. Woke up
Friday night with intensely aversive sensations. Lots of painful electrical activity
at the top of my heart. Totally bad energies in chest and throat. Neck and head
killing me. Lovely noting meditation on cushions. It simplifies the activity, settles
down the reactivity and lets the body work out kinks. After an hour I could sleep.

An hour this morning of out loud noting. Just trying to keep continuous with all the
stiffness, tension, pain, stretching, flexing, stressing, releasing, fear, anxiety,
anticipation, regret. Gratitude for this practice.

I guess my brain does something weird called CSD. Here's a one-liner from PubMed:
"Cortical spreading depression (CSD) and depolarization waves are associated with dramatic
failure of brain ion homeostasis, efflux of excitatory amino acids from nerve cells,
increased energy metabolism and changes in cerebral blood flow." My neurologist
says the neurons at the cusp of the wave do an energy-spike short circuit and then
go flat line (hence depression) for a few minutes as the wave takes 20 minutes or so
to spread over the cortex. This results in some migraine symptoms, including ones
that are similar to stroke or heart attack. But it's not life threatening. I'm
finding that you can stumble thru work and householder things with this going on.
Sucks,but it's possible. And even keep practicing. But it makes things seem
pretty different and trying to figure out how to journal about my practice lately
usually needs more creative energy than I've got. (The meds I just started, that have
worked pretty well previously, take a month to titrate up to effective doses.
So, it could be some slow going.)

During past 10 days of this, candle kasina makes me want to barf within seconds.
As it got worse Thur & Fri, also had trouble with "Who am I?" practice. I felt
lots of aversion to feeling so dispersed and ungrounded, and evidently not yet
up to facing that en masse. Got slammed yesterday with no-self-worth and every
thing falling apart attack. A hard time finding a mindfulness stance. But I was
able to partly not buy into the content of the intense emotional feelings,
except to acknowledge and settle into the need to simplify and purify.

Sorry to hear about the difficulty you're experiencing. Hopefully with medical help you'll get a handle on it.
As far as practice, sounds like you're doing very well, so don't buy into the BS about no-self worth. This process seems difficult, at best, let alone with migraines. Be gentle with yourself, and do what you can when you can.
All the best.

I'm really sorry to hear about this!
Hope that you get some relief soon!

Thanks Rev and Meekan!! Your practice has been inspiring to me.

Thanks for inspiring us all with your dedication, Kacchapa, even as you struggle with these health issues. The ideal of this practice, as I understand it, is to find peace in any situation and you are showing us how this can be done. Slow and steady wins the race.

Thank you Kenneth. Thank goodness I'm starting to use a few more of the tools you've been patiently offering. I don't know why it's been hard to believe they'll work for me the way they work for all the other people here who actually use them. It feels like maybe a tipping point. Instead of mostly a desperately motivating idea/wish, I think I'm starting to feel some confidence in the practice in my body, which has a lot of tension, some pain, prickling tingles, poignant feeling, dull numbness, thoughts about to-do list, gratitude, resolve.