turtle log

Tried several times to zoom in on itches but couldn't seem to focus well. Investigated that some to see how it can be that you can't focus very well even if you try. Was it really happening, or did I just read something about that. Seemed to really be happening. There were some energy movements that caused my body to straighten out and semi-pleasurable forehead rush, but these familiar sensations seemed in a different context. Several times I felt distracted by trying to figure out where I might be on the map. Kept wondering if I was just failing to get solidly past 3rd nana or had slipped fast past 4th & early 5th into some unstable territory. Glad the weekend is here; hopefully, time for extra sitting.

Thurs pm: skipped supper and sat early to avoid PM drowsiness. 30 mins mostly sleeping anyway. Got up and had a snack. 30 more minutes of mostly sleeping.

Friday am, 75 mins: 45 mins concentrating on candle flame with feedback of counting in & out breaths as high as I can get until losing focus on the flame, then start over. Continuing to have trouble concentrating with as much steady focus as a couple of weeks ago, but decided to really try today before trying broader concentration. Remained difficult, but even intense trying involves much less physical strain now. Seem to in some ways be getting the hang of this. I noticed that if I could reach the mid 20s (staying with the breath), I would break out in itches, until I lost the concentration for some moments. Got up to 35 consecutive breaths a couple of times, and the energy felt a little brighter and broader.

Noticed a point where it settled in and felt a little more relaxed and smooth. (So far I never have outright joy, rapture, bliss etc.) Finally on reaching 40 once, energy felt like it was shifting some, so switched over to noting for 30 mins.

Noted frequent restlessness, as well as defensiveness and irritation. Noticed, but failed to note, that there was some underlying quiet, interest and patience despite the restlessness. Frequent pin-prick itches and other pricking or tingling sensations around the body, including an itch outbreak over most of the head and face at once.

Sat a.m. 1hr 40 mins. Started with candle gazing but got distracted right off by vibrations in both hands, so switched to noting. Detailed vibratory sensations throughout the body. Seemed unusually easy to take them in either multiply or investigating details. The energy rising, head-neck and sholder loosening, pleasant sensations that often originate from the forehead and then go down and limber up the pelvis happend after only 5 mins. This and the experiencing sensations granularly or as vibrations usually don't happen until 40 mins to an hour.

10 minutes into the sitting, sensations, when noticed had a smooth, pleasurable, warm, softly melting quality. It was fun to aim at whatever presented and experience this. The ski-cap of pricky itches came over my head and face again, briefly, like yesterday. Then some waves of refreshing coolness in my face and arms, like a cool summer breeze. It was tempting to stop noting and notice quietly. But noticed that I was slipping into grooving on the sensations and resumed noting. Often I felt distracted by thinking about where things fit on the map. I was pretty sure it was 5th nana, different aspects of which I'm thinking I've been experiencing more lately.

Something I've been wondering about, seems lately like if I start to get lost in thought I start to drop back down the nanas some and on resuming noting go back up to where I was again, sometimes. Not sure I've heard that mentioned. At 70 mins I was suprised that much time had gone by and wanted to keep going to see if it might go into unstable nanas, but mostly I just seemed to get lost in thought trains about how my learning disorder likely would make it hard for me to grasp a complex model and map its details to my experience. And could be why it's so compelling to me when I actually start to get a bit of a gestalt on something like that. I guess this will run its course.

Saturday. 25 mins. Sat again briefly. Within 10 mins the energy rising up and lifting my body like a sail,or a string attached to my head, into balanced posture started, with the intense, kind of pleasurable pulling-in feeling in the low center of the forehead, and involuntary shaking and loosening of the neck, head, shoulders, trunk and pelvis, with better energy flow. I tried to note this from a bystander-like vantage, remembering that the reason to go to nanas is to be able to disembed from them.

Within 15 minutes of starting, I noticed a settling down, pleasant tingles in my arms, gaze somewhat down and steady, a pleasant quiet and stillness, blackness coming into the visual field and a little sense of space. Because of the sequence and my recent familiarity with some of the descriptions, I figured this could be 5th nana.

Sun a.m. 1.5 hrs. My fledgling diagnostic pretensions are defeated by this one.
40 mins of candle gazing. Difficult to concentrate.
Noticed thought trains about challenging relationships and my self-centeredness.
Tried to increase concentration and soon noticed itching.
Thought that was cool until this waffled repeatedly.
Got frustrated & increased effort to concentrate again.
Felt energy heighten and vibrate in my body. Anticipated start of a good concentration groove.
Instead continuing failure to concentrate. Kept trying, getting really angry.
Decided to get fierce about it. No luck.
Started to resign myself to how it was actually going.
After 40 mins, switched to noting.

Felt spacey and like my forehead was packed in cotton. Continued thoughts.
Remembered Kenneth's pointer that the state is not the goal, just note.
Noted spaciness, dullness, uncertainty. Physical sensations came into view.
A big range: a mix of kind of pleasurable energies sometimes,
with more persistent pain, itches and discomfort.

At times it felt difficult to focus,
as well as difficult to gain a spacious perspective.
I thought mischievously, OK if nothing wants to persist, how about self image?
And focused on that. Energy rushed up to my forhead, and my face froze tightly
in a big repulsive smirk. I thought fine, stay there & I'll examine the fine
sensations of the smirk. Shortlythe rigid expression started to collapse and
the face became very relaxed.

At one point my hip became tight and very painful, and
I decided to focus on the pain. At first I could detect the granularity
of the pain. But the more I investigated, it was as if my gaze was like
an eraser. I knew it must still hurt, but there was nothing detectable
in my focal point where the pain had been.

Started feeling like I needed to just let it all go and/or note the best I could,
and not try to make anything of it. And spent some extra time sitting with it.

After awhile, an angry, nearly violent, and very upsetting argument erupted nearby between
my young adult children. I thought wryly, now I can take my meditation wisdom and figure
out how to intervene in this.

Later feeling pretty spacey and raw. My wife asked for help with her programming studies,
as she often does on weekends, and it was very difficult to think analytically. Like
my head was in a block. This is a familiar state, just not recently.
Don't know what this is, but I've been here before enough to summon some patience
and just try to find some noting or noticing. After awhile I tried smiling and not
taking it so seriously and that worked. Maybe I was making too much of it
from the get go.

Your practice continues to improve, Kacchapa. Your self-chosen totem, the turtle, is right on target; slow and steady wins the race. As long as your goal is to find out what is happening *now* rather than to create a pleasant or interesting experience, you can always achieve your goal. The more you do this, the better you get at it. When you can achieve your goal in any moment by simply remembering to do so, you are free.

Thank you for your evidently infinite patience, Kenneth! Such a simple principle. So easy to forget.

Monday a.m. 60 mins
No interesting states.
Just a chance to practice my noting skills,
which are rusty after doing mostly other practices for awhile until recently.
Seemed like I might not have got past 3rd nana for this one.
Lots of obvious, normal physical sensations.

Tuesday a.m. 70 mins.
Started with noting but after 5 mins felt like my center shifted from my head into my chest,
which happens sometimes but not usually.
Then quickly dropped into my hara, which almost never happens.
I might feel energy in my hara down there, but this was like the locus of attention
dropped and settled there.

When thoughts or intentions happened it seemed that I could relax from them and
settle back in the non-cognitive, unfamiliar hara space.
I had to stay alert to brain activity to avoid drifting back into thought,
but couldn't look right at it, only peripherally as part of the overall picture,
because deliberately focusing also took me back into my brain and out of the lower abdomen.
After some time this started getting harder to maintain,
checked the time and was amazed to find that nearly an hour had gone by.

Wed a.m. 85 mins.
1/2 hour candle gazing. An unusually relaxed and open session. Eventually pleasurable, and
including the body and sounds.

When I switched to intending to note, found that the activity of the visual field, sounds,
mental images, and body sensations could be discerned as distinct fields, but at the
same time. No verbal noting seemed necessary or desirable. Before long some instability
in my posture seemed to throw off the balance of maintaining this capacity, but a hint
of it persisted as more normal separation of the senses came back into the noting. So,
I kept trying to lay back and not get too pointed with the noting, feeling like I might
regain that equilibrium. But with the effort to regain balance I was always wobbling a
little one direction or another. The ability to observe what was happening felt good
enough, though, that I didn't feel like verbally noting.

Thurs a.m. 1.5 hrs: 40 mins. candle gazing followed by attempted noting.
Candle concentration had an effortless quality that made whether I was
getting very far with the anchoring breath counting seem irrelevant.
The current breath with the flame felt entirely sufficient.
It felt unusually pleasurable and laid back.
Background critic worried that it was too lackadaisical.

Noting was much the same. Very pleasant, not very concentrated.
Afterwards I wondered if the nice long sitting had been a pleasant,
partial space out. Did get some noting in.

Fri a.m. 60 mins. Feeling a need to get my noting back up to the
sharper levels it has been in previous months,
so noted all sitting using classic Kenneth style
but with emphasis on body sensations.
A lot of stiffness and some pain and itching for 15 mins or so
that made easy noting targets, mostly doubled with "unpleasant".

Pleasant intense, inward pressure in the forehead,
followed by successive pleasurable waves across the lower chest.
The same stiffness started to seem pleasurable.
Body sensations became fine and granular or vibratory.
Became pretty settled, quiet and noticed that I could discern
mental imagery and self-images with a more objectified sense,
so included them in the noting more.
Would have happily continued, but checked the watch & found
my hour was exactly up. Mindfulness followed me into work
prep more than usual. Kenneth's noting style is good stuff.

Sat a.m. 1.5 hours. Quite affected by seeing the 1st 1/2 of Hamlet last night.
Felt revulsion toward samasara but more toward being stuck to my body and mind.
Physical problems keeping me awake during the night,
mind gnashing about my advancing age, it was my 57th birthday,
and wondering if I will have the stamina for awakening.
Eventually, in bed just let go of my brain and settled into my trunk and abdomen.

During sitting this continued. Hands off attitude toward body and mind. Seeing it,
not being it, attitude; feeling too revulsed to want to mess with them.
So, settled into a quiet and still seeing, with an attitude.
Watched the body as a whole and could discriminate the retinal-light
& seeing field (that mental images usually blend in with to create
kind of default mental movie set that I usually identify with).

Then there is an alert, passive stillness from which, not sure how to remember this
or if I can see it some right now, it's like the glow of the brain and its
activity can be seen as a discrete limited field, like seeing or hearing.

Yesterday I didn't find that fascinating but just "who wants it". Didn't
want to be stuck to any of it, so just watching all it almost warily.

Another 1.5 hours sitting during the day & p.m. that didn't repeat the
clarity of the a.m. sitting, but did seem to strengthen a sense of inner
stillness.

Sun a.m. 80 mins. A lot like yesterday but without the attitude.
After a couple of hours it's already a little hard to remember.
Intended to start with noting but felt failry quiet and still
and decided to try minduflness of the body as a whole.
Before long noticed that I could also observe mental activity with
unusual sense of objectivity or detachment.
And tried included that in the overall mindfulness.
When I try to put the brain and the body on a level playing field,
the brain will romp all over the body.
This was noteworthy because it seemed to work for quite awhile to observe
body and mind together without brain activity getting much special status.
The space for this required little or no movement to intervene.

It's unusual for this state to happen twice in a row like this.
Recently, I've been remembering previous times when this kind of state
happened, and wondered where on the map it would go, because it seems
deeper than what I think of us as 5th nana. I've actually wondered
if it could be an equanimity. If so though, where are all the dukkha
nanas? Since I feel certain that my sittings have included 4th nana
for so long that's become a little boring, I've been kind of expecting
a chance to consciously investigate and maybe learn to identify the
DK nanas. I'm such an anxious pessimist seems like they'd be like
second nature.

Sun p.m. 2+ hours. Sat for nearly 2 hrs with a sitting group.
After an early sitting that I thought was kind of deep,
I think I was looking forward to being a somewhat deep yogi
at the group. But my sitting didn't cooperate.

It wasn't sleepy or terribly distracted, just normal. In
retrospect I think I tried to urge into something better
the whole time, resorting to using pain from not moving
for a strong concentraion object.

Afterwards I felt super hyper and excitable. Kenneth's
advice that trying to forceful control the mind results
in blowback seemed likely here.

Monday a.m. Could only sleep for about 4 hours from
physical problems, so got up to sit for an hour & 1/2
or more.
Kenneth's advise about noting out loud in his
recent talk finally got to me. I can't note aloud while
everyone is sleeping, but found I can whisper pretty
loud.
This was the 1st time I tried it for a long sit
and had beginners luck. Noted aloud for 1.5 hours and
was very impressed. The continuity, at least this 1st
honeymoon time, was awesome.

When I started to fall asleep I could just enjoy
experiencing what it's like to fall asleep while
awake to see it. Very fun. Even got to consciously
examine cool initial dreamy imagery.
One time when I did start to actually go to sleep
at the start of a dream I was looking at a road sign and
noted the 1st word on the sign aloud which woke me
right up! Something just like that happened another
time where just one funny spoken noting word
from a dream woke me right up.

Don't know if it's connected to noting aloud, but during
the 1st 1/2 of this sitting, started getting the usual
strong pulling-in sensations (usually pleasurable) in the low center
of the forehead. But this time the pleasure was the 1st
time I'd use rapturous in my sitting experience. It just
kept coming in waves and extended down into my torso &
arms. I was thinking it could nearly compete with sex,
especially since it lasted longer.

After 35 mins, started having resistance to noting
so steadily out loud. But stuck with it and the tedium
faded pretty fast.
2nd 1/2 of the sitting settled into just straight ahead
noting. No special states, except that the fine and
vibratory detail of sensations became especially
pronounced. It took me maybe a full minute to reach for
a nearby cup of tea because the minute sensations of
reaching were kind of exquisite to watch and I was
in no hurry. No doubt soon I'll eagerly sit down to
note out loud and hit a wall. That seems OK thinking
about it right now. When you go up you come
down and vice versa.

Tues a.m. 55 mins. of outloud (whispered) noting. The coninuity of spoken noting
is really impressive (big new discovery ). It's almost like when I 1st got
turned on to noting. Started with itches, stiffness, tension, pain, some mildly
pleasurable rushes, unpleasant, some neutral and pleasant, seeing, hearing.

Amazing how much more often, today at least, I could catch planning & remembering
thoughts, and earlier. Started to get more relaxed and quieter, had to remember
to keep up the deliberate volume of the whispering. Energy came up and my head
did the rapid whipping back and forth while my neck and trunk were limp and relaxed.

I noticed that my consciousness was not in my flailing skull but watching restfully
as if just behind my upper neck. I was inclined to let it shift down into the
chest and then into the lower abdomen, which seems to be the fulcrum of the side to
side body rocking-pulsing that always happens for the duration of my sits.

For the 2nd 1/2 of the sitting noted this as "centering" and "pulsing" every 4hz,
which was enough to keep things oriented from the presumed hara.
If I had thoughts the view started to shift to the head, so I didn't note those;
just noticed them and went back to "centering" and "pulsing".

When I've tried to do explicitly do hara before, it's generally been with a focusing
approach. This time it was possible to find an expansive view that was anchored
unfamiliarly from the hara rather than the head. It was a big surprise to find that
I could briefly be aware of body sensations from the hara rather than focusing
on them from the head.

Interesting!
Keep going, kacchapa!

Thanks Meekan! I found time to read another month of your journal
last night. (Mid Nov thru Mid Dec) It's inspiring and kind of
touching to see how other yogis keep on applying themselves to
the sometimes thankless path of developmental enlightenment.
(I hope to find time to read more these journals.)

And very interesting to see the development of your practive over
time. For some reason after reading your journal from that time,
I was reminded of a Trungpa quote that made a big impression on
me early in sitting where he said meditation is not so much
"spiritual" as "manual labor". Thanks for your efforts and
sharing them in your journal.

I am just happy that my scribblings are useful. I never thought of it before...
One cool thing is that since I am only looking at it from a micro perspective, sort of one post at a time, your posts make me realize there is a continuity to it.
So, thanks!

Yeah, that's what I'm finding, Meekan. Reading a month's
worth is a real different way to take in a journal. I
read some of mine from a year ago and found that interesting
too. But maybe more eye opening to read others. Like
other good things, it's a little tough finding time for it,


Wed a.m. 50 mins: started noting aloud physical sensations.
Unexpected change from past several days, instead of pain,
stiffness and tension, whole body felt relaxed and few
sensations.

Searched around and found some soft sensations. The body
everywhere felt soft, pleasant and relaxed. Rapid head
back and forth happened again, so tried to see if focus
would settle into the abdomen again, but things weren't
going that way.

Noticed pulses seemed viewable over much of the body,
tried focusing on pulses in the abdomen. When that
felt forced, expanded the view to take in body as
a whole, but I felt a little too scattered for that.

So, just settled on noting anything, mostly physical,
which turned out to be the way to go. In my humble
opinion felt like mostly just 3rd, some 4th & a little
5th nana.

The horse power of out loud noting has increased my
noting confidence. So I was disappointed when a family
got up & I had to go quiet again. Noticably more drifty.

Very busy lately. Can't remember the details.
Wed & Thurs a.m: about 55 mins of noting each morning
Fri: 25 mins
Sat & Sun: 60 mins of noting each morning.
PM sittings mostly involve dozing.

Monday: 1hr 25 mins: 45 mins candle gazing. 40 mins noting.
Candle gazing: tried not to force it or manipulate, just
to keep returning. Seemed like I was fairly present, but
didn't feel acutely concentrated.

Noting: continued trying to be careful not to manipulate,
seeing how much I could just be present.
Felt like there was a corse, loudness overlaying a finer,
quiet sensitivity. I would have preferred for the quietness
to prevail, but tried to allow both; remaining sensitive
to the quieter level while trying not to push away from
the loud layer. I think they coexisted much of the sitting.

It was possible to notice discrete arising and passing of
mental images fairly more than usual. When the household started
waking up and getting loud, started to call it quits. But
just then there was briefly something that for the 1st time
really struck me as mental strobing. Never actually
known what others meant by that before. It was very brief though.

Tues a.m. 55 mins. Spent the time noting
but can't remember a single thing about it today.

Wed a.m. 65 mins. Started with perseverating about a confrontation
I had at work and the likelihood that it would figure in a meeting
with my boss today.

Played minor variations on the same theme over and over.
Once when I came to, briefly, checked the time, and stunned
to find I had spent 40 mins in formal meditation posture
looping the same thought in auto-replay.

Instead of pulling some heavy weapons out of the yogi belt,
just sat back and opened to how the situation was presenting
in that moment.

Surprisingly there was an intensely uncomfortable and unfamiliar
tension and pressure in my head with ancillary yucky sensations
spreading from there.

It was amazing that I could have been so distracted by the
thought content to totally miss such loudly aversive
sensations. I guess the distraction serves the function
of preserving me from having to feel such unwanted
sensations. I thought "this will be pretty interesting to
investigate" and started noting details of the intense
sensations. But shortly the household became active
around me and the distraction of the loop started to capture me again.

The meeting with my boss turned out nothing like I anticipated,
so the loop was complete fantasy.

I love it when my practice actually makes a difference in my daily life. I find it to be the best motivation!

I hear you, RevElev. I haven't done much with the progress of insight,
but sitting has helped me big time in daily life. I'm sure that's been
60 to 70% of my motivation, especially for keeping up a daily practice.
Suffering level goes up noticably within a couple of days of not sitting.
I've been hoping to read your journal soon, looks interesting.
Still working on Meekan's. Thanks for your contributions to the site.

Thur & Fri about an hour of noting each a.m., 1/2 hour each p.m.
Usually morning sitting is the one I look forward to since I'm
usually conscious if not semi-lucid.

Can't remember details of these 2. Just trying to keep up my
noting. Disappointed about not being able to not aloud
since family memebers have taken to getting up early, and
I don't have a private place to sit.

Very busy week, long work hours extending into weekends.
Even with the hour a.m. sittings, the momentum I had for
a couple of weeks or so seems broken. That always happens.
Often momentum coincides with a couple of weeks of getting
to sit more and maybe an all day sitting.

Fizzling momentum seems associated with long hours of work
and ancillary busyness. The rare times I get to go to a
retreat things really pick up for a longer while.