Antero's practise journal 3

After some reflection, talking a couple of times with Kenneth and comparing my experiences with other people's accounts, I have come to the conclusion that the major shift in perception and reduction in suffering that happened to me two weeks ago may have really been 4th path moment. Time will tell.

During the last two weeks I have observed some major positive changes, especially in relationships with other people, unstickiness of arising phenomena and the feeling of being off the ride. What I do not recognize from my experience is the feeling of 'being done'. I feel that I have completed one preliminary phase of development and I am now better equipped to start the real work.

There was a phase of re-wiring and purging after the Event and now I am feeling that the ball is rolling again and a new phase has started in my practise.

Anyway, this feels like an appropriate moment to start a new thread. I owe everything that I have learned to Kenneth and this incredible Sangha, I thank you all!

Here are links to my previous practise threads.

In this thread I was working my way toward the Stream Entry (1st path):

kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/thread/39...B4s+practise+journal

This thread describes my practise through the paths:

kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/thread/41...7s+pactise+journal+2

(It's funny that I have never before noticed that typo on the title )

How happy can one be? Pretty happy, it seems to me and getting happier all the time .

My practise has recently been just being present in this body, whatever is arising. I continuously direct my attention to my body's reactions to different mind states. This can be done practically all through the waking hours. Whenever I have some extra processor time available, I will use it to note mind states.

This noting of mind states has been most helpful for me and now I think I have the right tools to really get the full benefit from doing it. This noticing and Being with the Body has become almost automatic, so that even if I am not consciously observing the sensations, the attention gets pulled to the body whenever some grosser emotions arise.

When I am coming in contact with difficult emotions, I try to let them all in. I try to savour the body sensations and note the mind states as they change rapidly. Usually after riding the sensations for a while, I get a sense of relief. Another bag of garbage is thrown out of the house.

A couple of days ago I was sitting in a tram and suddenly a thought occurred to me 'I am not cycling through the nanas.' I have not really been paying any attention to the jhanic arc lately, but sometimes the cycling has been more apparent when I have been going through some mini dark night episode.

I observed the quality of attention more closely and came to the conclusion that this was not a jhanic state. I had been paying attention to the body the whole time and the mind state felt perfectly ordinary (as opposed to a non-dual state).

I switched to first jhana and observed as the jhanic arc made its way up to Arupa Jhanas. The progression was smoother than ever before and I could observe the phenomena without taking any active part in it. I noted something that I have not felt so clearly before. There was unpleasant tension behind the eyeballs in all the nanas and jhanas. These jhanic states certainly were different from the state that I had a moment ago. As I switched back to the state with no cycling, I noticed the tension in my head getting softer and disappearing completely.

When in this state I am more alert and energetic than ever before. I am more present in the moment and acting more spontaneously and in sync with my surroundings. There is a certain energy activity in my upper arms and back that I often notice when in that state. Yesterday Kenneth confirmed that this is Direct Mode practise that he himself discovered last September.

(cont.)

I am not actively trying to get to that state. It happens on its own when I am paying close attention to my body. It seems that for the time being it is becoming my default mode. I recognize that it is just a mind state and a means to an end, nothing more.

There seems to be a certain pattern in my practise. I have always systematically tried to integrate the cutting edge of my practise with my daily life. When the cutting edge has moved on, the mind grows tired of the state and it is replaced by something else. So far this has happened with all the gears and now Being with the Body and observing mind states seems to be my cutting edge.

Congratulations! You did it!

I'm inspired when I read your descriptions of what it is like. Hopefully I'll be there soon.

Ron

"Congratulations! You did it!
- Ron"

Thanks Ron!

That is my working assumption at the moment

Antero.

45 min sit after asana practise

Noting mind states and being with the body sensations as a whole.

Calm, peace, worry, joy, calm, happiness, absorption, discomfort, aversion, regret, worry, observing, doubt, equanimity, contentment, enjoyment, fear, happiness, bliss, determination, irritation, discomfort, low self-esteem, insecurity, worry, discomfort, aversion, triumph, curiosity.

At some point feelings of worry for my kids became quite strong. I wished to be open to all negative sensations in this moment. Worry and fear became stronger and I was quickly getting images from my childhood, feelings of insecurity, fear, worry, aversion etc. I stayed with the body sensations, accepted them and watched the sensations / mind states diminish.

Nowadays the mind states are easily observed at least once a second thanks to the recently developed transparency of the mind. When the absorption deepens I may be able to see up to ten mind states go by in one second. It feels like I am watching some mysterious generator that has an unknown purpose of its own.

Experiencing Direct Mode

I am experiencing Direct Mode in two ways. When sitting I am doing Being with the Body and noting mind states at the same time as they arise. It is clear to me that these mind states appear out of nowhere and have nothing to do with the preceding states of mind, so it is possible to note aversion, irritation, bliss and equanimity in less than two seconds.

Off the cushion when I have to attend to different tasks during the day, I am just keeping my attention in my body cultivating Direct Mode. Since my practise conditions are far from ideal situation, sometimes my mindfulness is strong and sometimes not. So far the momentum of my practise has carried me over the tricky parts. This way I am not getting all ever changing states of mind, but only the average state, which is usually calm, peaceful or content. When some strong mind state that is very far from the average occurs, the mind is pulled to it automatically and the grounding occurs.

The feeling of Direct Mode has become more mundane during the past two weeks. This is a process that I have observed with all the mind states. Once I start to cultivate them, they soon start to lose their appeal.

Yesterday I got kicked out of DM a couple of times because of a strong feeling of disappointment that was causing snowball effect in my body. It took me some time before I had accepted those feelings and found the equilibrium again. Every time I have been back in cycling mode, I have experienced a clearly unpleasant tension behind the eyeballs.

Congratulations!!

Thanks RevElev!

Antero.

Evening out

Direct Mode has continued to be my default mode. Although the fluctuations of body sensations / mind states has become more even, I have been getting frequent mini Dark Nights as well. Three days ago there were 3-4 episodes of cycling through dukkha nanas that lasted for 5-10 minutes each. There were feelings of anger, irritation, doubt, low self-esteem etc. present and I welcomed them all. As those feelings were accepted and dealt with, the attention moved back to its resting place in DM.

When the attention is staying put in Direct Mode and not cycling, it seems to be 'located' somewhere in a territory between 1st and 2nd jhana. The attention is not one pointed like in first jhana, nor is it somewhat diffused like in 2nd jhana. When I check the quality of my attention and I see that it is resting in the area between those two jhanas, I know that I am locked in Direct Mode.

The process seems to be unfolding on its own. All I am doing is keeping my attention in the body and accepting whatever comes up. The rest is automatic. Dark nights became shorter and more frequent. Yesterday I could notice shifts between dukkha nanas and DM at least half a dozen times or more in one hour, each phase lasting only 1-2 minutes. The intensity of dukkha nanas is also considerable less, so that I may experience just unpleasant body sensations instead of strong negative mind states. Sometimes there is a feeling of relief or a fruition at the end of such phase.

Direct Mode itself has also become more mundane to the point that the contrast between cycling through dukkha nanas and being back in DM is not so noticeable. When my mindfulness is strong, I may still get the exhilarating quality of the state and feel the tingling of energy at the arms and the back, but it has become rare.

Very nice!
Fast and good going! Inspirational!
Congratz!!

Very cool, thanks again for posting all of this. Congratulations and best wishes for the future!

Thank you guys, your encouragement is much appreciated!

Antero.

40 min sit

I sit and watch as my attention is switching between Direct Mode and Dukkha Nanas. All the time I am noting mind states as they go by. When in DM I may note: calm, peace, investigation, discomfort, aversion, enjoyment, calm, contentment, peace etc. Then soon I am in DN and noting goes: anxiety, restlessness, discomfort, bliss, fear, aversion, calm, letting go, discomfort, irritation, aversion, excitement etc.

Some Dukkha Nana phases end with a fruition. At some point I am in a particular fearful stratum with feelings of danger, fear and some horror images. Despite feeling a bit uneasy and timid, I accept those feelings and it results in a major fruition.

A short relief is soon cut by another mini Dukkha Nana session. As I feel that it is nearing to an end, I expect to get another major fruition. The vibrations get stronger and visual field brightens. I feel the light starting to climb up the spinal column. The column rises to the top of the head and the body disappears in light. For a while there is just light as the mind rests in Mahamudra. I enjoy the feeling for the rest of the sit.

There seems to be more bumps on the road. This morning I was dark nighting most of the time. Although these sessions were longer in duration (5-30 min) and were quite intense and unpleasant, strangely it is hard for me say if I was suffering or not. Every time the sessions ended, my attention returned immediately to Direct Mode.

There is considerable amount of energy activity during my sits and sometimes I get very noticeable fruitions or jolts of energy.

Collecting Rare Species

Like a collector of insects and butterflies I am collecting negative and positive mind states. All the species has their own peculiar characteristics. A couple of days ago I was fascinated by a creature called Disappointment. It had many interesting features as I observed it mature, grow old and then disappear in my body.

Some of the species are more common than others and some I would call rare or even endangered. I am not sure how long ago it was the last time I really felt hate or envy. Some of them are present almost all the time if I observe my mind states; like aversion, peace, irritation, bliss. Some I catch only every once in a while. For some reason I have not observed sadness or compassion for a long time and I really felt like a lucky collector when yesterday I accidentally came by the two of them side by side.

Nice thing about collecting mind states is that when the states that are hanging around all the time do not satisfy, it is always possible to try to cultivate those rare ones. How do I feel if I think about this person? How about this unpleasant situation a year ago? I am just fooling myself; I will never get enlightened, how is that making me feel?

"Collecting Rare Species

Like a collector of insects and butterflies I am collecting negative and positive mind states."

Great simile!
Thanks for that one!

Nowadays I am cycling through dukkha nanas more than ever before. At the same time I am suffering considerably less than I used to even though these dips into dark night territory are sometimes quite intense. It is even debatable if I am suffering at all. It no longer matters which state I am in, Direct Mode has lost its appeal. Sensations are arising and passing and I am learning to observe how they make me feel and accept it. Accepting has become the central theme of my practise.

40 min sit after asana practise this morning

I noted mind states at the usual rate once a second. As I started to get into the rhythm, I was seeing so many mind states that I couldn't label them all and I had to change to noticing them. As I was observing them more closely, suddenly I realized that I am looking at the very same vibration I have grown used to even before first path. It was the same fast pulse / flickering that I have observed at the third eye using The Wheel technique countless times.

Only this time I could see / feel it anywhere in the body I happened to focus on. This vibration consisted of mind states changing in apparently random order and there was always a certain reaction in the body. The states were arising and passing so fast that I could not name them, but judging from the body's reaction I could see that it was the usual bunch: aversion, joy, peace, irritation, discomfort, calm, contentment, greed'¦

There is not much variation in mind states nowadays. I still occasionally cycle through dukkha nanas, which have calmed down, so I hardly notice them anymore. It does not seem to make much difference to me which state I am in.

Most of the time noting seems to be too slow and cumbersome compared to just paying attention to the rapidly changing subtle mind states and noticing them. Recently all mind states have been grounded in the body automatically.

There is very little desire to do formal sitting practise and the difference between meditation and everyday mindfulness is quite small.

I had an argument with my wife last night
and was prepared for irritation, anger and resentment

Instead: equanimity,
no position to defend.

My cheeks were wet,
feeling her pain and sadness.
Shadow emotions.

"I had an argument with my wife last night
and was prepared for irritation, anger and resentment

Instead: equanimity,
no position to defend.

My cheeks were wet,
feeling her pain and sadness.
Shadow emotions.
"

Antero, this is lovely. This is why we practice: for moments like the one you've just described. You are describing sanity. To be present with another's pain, with our own pain, without need to attack or defend: this is emotional and spiritual maturity. All the work we do, all these practices, all the frustration of returning again and again to this moment finally bears fruit as these little gusts of sanity blow more and more often and become, little by little, perfumed into the very fabric of our lives.

Antero,
Thanks for this post. It's exactly my motivation for practice now, to lessen the suffering of those around me, beautifully written.

Thank you guys, much appreciated. I wouldn't mind if these "little gusts of sanity" became more prevalent in the future.

My current practise consists of two ways of experiencing Direct Mode, as instructed by Kenneth. I have been continuously in state #1 for some weeks now (not counting occasional cycling through dukkha nanas). Since yesterday I have preferred state #2 on Kenneth's advice.

1. Riding the Sensations.
In this state, I observe body sensations as a whole and note or notice mind states one by one as they arise. I see how each mind state corresponds to certain sensations in the body.

2. For lack of better term I call this one Being the Sensations.
Everything is experienced as a rapid vibration of different sensations (see post #18). The sensations and mind states are felt to be one and the same. This seems to change the way how I experience emotions, but further investigation is necessary before more can be said.