Antero's practise journal 3

Yesterday morning a thought occurred to me 'The way how I am experiencing the world is about to change completely'. There was a feeling of letting go as I saw in my mind's eye the world coming to peaces around me.

What happened after that felt a bit spooky. It felt like my body was on an autopilot and there was nothing left for me to do. I was completely unnecessary. It was like watching some kind of robot going through the motions. As I was reflecting on this afterwards, a wave of sadness came over me for a moment.

During these past two days I have experienced very unpleasant sensations in the throat and in the forehead. The sensations in the throat make me gag and they are accompanied by feelings of insecurity and low self-esteem.

Throughout the day I am interested to observe how I am reacting to whatever comes up. When my body reacts with irritation to something someone said to me and I look at it more closely, I see that the reaction is produced out of habit. If I ask myself: 'who is irritated?' I cannot answer the question.

Asking Questions

A worrying thought arises, but who is worried?
Remembering unskilful actions is the past, who felt embarrassed?
Making plans for the future, who thinks he is in charge?

Mind seems to be unable to answer to any of these questions. The questions make no sense to it and the result is similar if I asked something like 'what is the sound of one hand clapping?'
Incomprehension

As a result of this self inquiry:
Feeling of watching myself from the outside
Expansion
Feeling of liberation

Hi Antero, just want to say how much i enjoy you posts for there honesty and clarity.

In earlier posts you have hinted at how you used to keep yourself to yourself, and i can identify with that myself.

Its great to see you moving away from that, as i do too.

Many thanks Stephencoe100

"Hi Antero, just want to say how much i enjoy you posts for there honesty and clarity.

In earlier posts you have hinted at how you used to keep yourself to yourself, and i can identify with that myself.

Its great to see you moving away from that, as i do too.

Many thanks Stephencoe100

"

Thank you Stephen for taking the time to read my journal. I appreciate your feedback.

The changes you mentioned are for me the most important of all the developments this practise has given. It is nice to hear that you are feeling the same.

Antero.

Mind cannot find the sense of self nor the annoying tension in the centre of the head. Nonetheless it is still reacting in many ways like it used to causing body sensations (though not mind states) of irritation. The mind is still holding certain sensations more important than others even though with a closer look it turns out to be a false preconception. During all these years I have conditioned myself to react in certain ways and now I have to do some re-conditioning.

Every time I notice how the body is reacting with aversion or greed to certain sensations or thoughts, I ask 'who is feeling this?' The answer is never found, the mind boggles.

I may compare two sensations with each other to see if in reality there is any difference. At a closer look no difference is found and one more knot is untied.

As a result of this investigation, I have had several nasty attacks of unpleasant body sensations, which sometimes end with an impressive rapture.

30 min sit after asana practise

There were a lot of worrying thoughts present because of the situation at work. Still I could not find anybody being worried, just thoughts emerging.

The mind space was pulsing noticeably and I wondered if it was somehow related. I took the pulsing as an object and the mind locked on to it readily. Very soon rapture shook me and made my eyes roll up. This repeated every time I took the ever fainter pulsing as an object. With every rapture came a feeling of release and expansion and the worrying thoughts became less and less important.

Hi, Antero!
Excuse me if this question is naïve
I am very intrigued reading your descriptions of your new experiences! Thank you!

The thing that I think I am reading in your descriptions is a description of "you" being like the chess board that all this is taking place (emotions, thoughts, etc), but there is no I experiencing this?
Or is it even so that the chess board is gone?

What does this give you more than an interesting new way of relating to this?
Have you got more flexibility when it comes to behavior?
That is, earlier you might have acted in ways because your "I" was threatened or such, but now you ("you"?) are free to chose a different way?
Does this question make sense? And maybe it's hard to explain what the difference is to someone who is even pre-SE?

Anyway, keep on writing, it is great reading!!

Thanks Meekan,

This way of experiencing is still new to me but I will try to answer your question.

To express the feeling of self in technical terms:
If on the one end of the spectrum there is 2nd gear aka the Witness or pure subjectivity and on the other end is 3rd gear perspective aka or non duality, my experience of self is closer to non dual perspective.

The quality of the attention is expansive and light. The mind does not want to get into any state of absorption, but remain present in the moment.

There is much less mental noise happening in the background. Peace and silence is always easily accessible.

There is a mental image of my body present even if I close my eyes, so I can orient myself normally and be aware of my body, but I am unable to identify myself with this image. It is not felt to be 'I'. If I try to think what 'I' is, I cannot come up with anything.

It does not seem to be possible for me to access the Witness the same way as before. I can get into a state of absorption that is focused on the centre of the head, but instead of pure subjectivity, there is just feeling of expansion.

If I think that someone treated me unjustly, the body reacts with unpleasant body sensations that correspond with irritation and a thought comes up 'This is not fair, how irritating'. However, and this is strange even to me, if I note my mind states, there is just: contentment, letting go, peace'¦

(Cont.)

Mind is more accepting; there is no feeling of aversion (although the body may react in that way sometimes). Emotionally I experience only Brahma Viharas. If I look who is feeling the irritation, it is self evident to me that the answer is: nobody. The body sensations of irritation are felt to be clearly weaker than after 4th path to start with and when doing this investigation about the knower of the experience, those sensations diminish very rapidly.

I am speculating that the thoughts of irritation and worry are result of previous conditioning and will grow weaker as the time passes. I have noticed some reduction already.

These developments make it much easier for me to be with people without actively adding the suffering of the persons around me.

Does this satisfy your question?

Antero.

Yes, thanks a lot!
Of course some of it is hard for me to imagine how it is based on my current way of perceiving
So, please keep on writing!

"
There is very little desire to do formal sitting practise and the difference between meditation and everyday mindfulness is quite small.
"

There is still some path for your to walk!
...You are not done yet.....you somehow know this to be true...


...how do you feel you react to this statement? (from your very very first reaction, to the one right after, to the one after....etc)

"There is still some path for your to walk!
...You are not done yet.....you somehow know this to be true...


...how do you feel you react to this statement? (from your very very first reaction, to the one right after, to the one after....etc)
-Jorge"

Subtle unpleasant sensation in the body
Irritation thought ("Is this guy critizising me?")
Investigation thought ("who knows about this")
Feeling of expansion
Evaluation thought ("he is absolutely right. This is still much to be done")
Amusement
Planning thought ("what will I write in response")

Amazing aint' it?
The aggregates do their thing as the sense of "self" still lingers in the background...
Once the attention is centered in the here and now, the self does not arise, and if it does, it comes and goes without "sticking"
...whatever is giving rise to that "self" is still around.

Some say sticking to ALL 8 paths of the noble 8 fold path is the only way to permanently eradicate "self"...
I think we indeed have much more to do still!

oh what a practice this is!

"Amazing aint' it?
The aggregates do their thing as the sense of "self" still lingers in the background...
Once the attention is centered in the here and now, the self does not arise, and if it does, it comes and goes without "sticking"
...whatever is giving rise to that "self" is still around.
-Foolbutnotforlong"

Thanks Jorge!

I can see room for some development there

Antero.

If the sense of sense is gone, why do I still act like I got one? Why are there sometimes thoughts of irritation with some corresponding unpleasant sensations in the body? Who could possibly get irritated?

There is no mind state of irritation present, but still I can act like I was irritated and at the same time watching myself feeling a bit amused. How weird. These observations have revealed for me the limitations of this stage of development, despite the solid mind states of peace and happiness.

Today I talked with Kenneth about these things and he told me that the next stage of development that he is working on himself has to do with disembedding from story telling or discursive thinking. This made perfect sense to me.

Every time I have had a major shift in the baseline of my practise, I have experienced a glimpse of something that I would not master until at the next stage. After my last major development I remember silence with little or no mental chatter that felt very enjoyable. Later this background noise has returned somewhat. If I pay attention to my thoughts and ask 'I wonder what my next thought might be' there is this same silence. It seems to only a question of mindfulness.

So my task is to stay mindful of the discursive thinking and see how unnecessary it is.

Instant Jhanic States

Yesterday I mentioned to Kenneth about my discovery of a rapture that is produced as soon as I place my attention to the third eye. Kenneth pointed out that it is actually a jhanic state with the characteristics of Pure Land Jhana 1 and told me various places in the body bring about instant jhanic states.

I tested this teaching in the train this morning and soon found trigger points for jhanas 1-4, 7 and Pure Land jhanas 1 and 5. The states came on almost instantly and with great clarity.

This might be a funny question, but are they all in the head space or in the body as well? Any correlation with chinese medicine points?

40 min sit in the train

'I wonder what my next thought will be'

This inquiry led to a state of deep absorption through a series of raptures that were felt as letting go of tension; both physically and mentally dropping away everything.

As long as my mindfulness was unwavering, there were no thoughts present. It did waver from time to time though, but most of the time I sat in very relaxing state of deep silence.

"This might be a funny question, but are they all in the head space or in the body as well? Any correlation with chinese medicine points?"

Hi Betawave,

Could you clarify your question? Rephrase it maybe?

Antero.

Sure, sorry for the vagueness. I was wondering if the "trigger points" that you mention in post #65 for the jhanas are locations in/on the head(e.g. third eye, crown, base of skull/top of neck)? ... or are they also located in the torso (e.g. solar plexus, heart center, hara)?

As a follow-up question, do any of those locations seem to overlap with the meridians in traditional chinese medicine? (see upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/f...hinese_meridians.JPG )

Hope the image helps make sense of my previous post, again sorry!

30 min sit after asana practise

Today I tried a different approach.

I imagined a bubble that filled the inside of my skull and started to watch what is happening inside. As long as I kept the watch, there were no thoughts present, nothing happening.

If my mindfulness weakened a bit momentarily, I could see thoughts forming inside the bubble. This produced an interesting effect as the watcher was clearly outside of that bubble observing the story telling happening inside. Seeing this, there was no doubt about the fact that this discursive thinking is separate from the watcher.

This new approach seemed to give better handle for the mind than the more abstract technique of wondering what the next thought will be, which I have found hard to maintain off the cushion.

"Sure, sorry for the vagueness. I was wondering if the "trigger points" that you mention in post #65 for the jhanas are locations in/on the head(e.g. third eye, crown, base of skull/top of neck)? ... or are they also located in the torso (e.g. solar plexus, heart center, hara)?"

I am sorry, but I do not know enough about the subject to comment on meridians. I found the jhanas I mentioned just by checking out the main chakra points. It could be interesting to do some more investigation on this, but I am not very interested in jhanas at this stages of my practise.

Antero.

No worries, Antero. Thanks for your response!

I did the bubble (see previous post) in combination with 'I wonder what my next thought will be' the whole day as much as possible. This made it possible for me to maintain reasonable mindfulness on thoughts throughout the day.

My experience was dominated by growing unpleasant sensations in the throat and head area. In the afternoon when I was sitting in the train there was a sudden jolt of energy and rapture. It felt like the canvas of my mind was swept clean and for a moment thoughts ceased to form regardless of what I did.

There are two main developments since I started this new practise of noticing thoughts.

1.
Noticing thoughts off the cushion has become considerable easier, even though at first it seemed challenging. There is a certain feeling of a slight pressure at the temples and inside my skull which tells me that I am being mindful of the thoughts. It would seem that the amount of discursive thinking has decreased and become more subtle, meaning I am seeing more proto thoughts.

2.
I am much more aware of my head area and the physical sensations there are predominantly negative. There may be a shifting pressure in my throat or unpleasant pressure at the forehead or behind the eyes. I have more thoughts of irritation and worry than before and it is not so easy to stand back and see how these thoughts are separate of me. This is affecting my social skills at work and at home, but seems to have no effect on my mind states.